Older kids

LEGALLYblonde86 · June 2015

A quick little back story.

My 6 year old daughter has a sad excuse for a biological father. Over a year ago, he took her across the country without mine or the courts permission and was found in Tennessee when he got pulled over by the police. He had numerous drugs in the car. Luckily, she made it home safe and after he missed court and missed all of the recommended rehab sessions, visitation is now non existent. Thank God I married an amazing man who not only stepped up as an incredible father to her, but has supported her in every way she could possibly need with everything she has gone through. Not long after the visitation stopped, she came to me one night and asked if she could call him Daddy, because she knew that he loves her, she loves him and that's how Dads are supposed to be. (As much as it broke my heart that my then 4 year old even had to think about that, I am so happy that he instilled that trust and bond with her )We have her in counseling so that she can work through any left over feelings or new feelings that she has.

Now, with us expecting another baby, we have taken a lot of time to make sure that she feels secure in her relationship with my husband, so that she doesn't feel like she is having her daddy taken away again. We have been very careful not to use the word change ("there will be a lot of changes when the baby comes") and instead saying things like "our family will be growing". We have made sure to keep her involved by going to appointments, helping us pick out the middle name, picking out nursery décor. My husband has been taking her out for "Daddy Daughter Date Night" when they get time together for a movie and ice cream or sometimes just getting up early on a Saturday to go to the local diner for breakfast. Her and I have "Girls Day" when we garden together, or get pedicures, or go to the bookstore together and read. We still have "Family Movie Night" once a week where we watch a family movie and have popcorn at home. We talk about the ways she will be such a big help, like getting me a glass of water when I am breast feeding, or turning on the swing. I think you guys get the point.

Last night, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked if she is going to be left out. Now, I know it is hard to explain things sometimes and that once the baby comes, she will actually be able to see how even though there are some things that are different, she will still be a huge part of it. Do any of you have any suggestions on how to help her through this some more than we already are? Wondering what you have done with your older children to get ready for new siblings, especially if they are the children of partners other than their own mom or dad?

jadetree1080 · June 2015

Sounds like your already doing everything right. Not sure there is much more to suggest. I'm sure she is just scared, and that is okay. Validate her feelings, tell her it's okay that she is scared, but once baby comes she will see that this is not going to take away from her life, but add to it and bring everyone closer. Its not her "half anything" it's going to just brother or sister. Sounds like there is enough love in your home to go around.

kettlekitten · June 2015

TheRe is a thread about this a few down 'older siblings having hard time accepting new baby' or something similar. Sorry I couldn't work out how to link it.

carriebelle77 · June 2015

For us, babysitting a new-ish baby for a friend for a couple of hours has helped. They get to see a new baby and it helps them understand that new brother or sister will not be up for stealing toys or dates with Mommy & Daddy just yet. They get to hold the baby and help with changing...it's really a good experience for them and they talk about it for weeks afterward.

jenandbrett · June 2015

I think you're doing an awesome job. Just keep reassuring her of your love. Acknowledge that the adjustment will be hard on everyone, but so worth it to have a beautiful new part of your family. You're doing great

Saratiff · June 2015

I was going to say like OP it sounds like you and hubs are doing an amazing job and your hubby sounds amazing btw. Maybe do the gift thing where baby buys her a present. But other than that validate her feelings of feAr but that really only time will show her that everything will be okay :-) great job momma and hang in there.

That kind of relationship is exactly what I look forward to witnessing with my daughter and husband.

SashaDenn25 · June 2015

You all are amazing. I think reaasurance is the best thing. My stepdaughter was thrilled about getting a little sister, but came to me one night and asked if I would still be her baby. (I have always called her baby since our relationship grew and she always said I was her baby since I didnt have my own.) We split 50/50 custody and her mom is very great to her so that part isnt an issue, but I think she realized her mommy had her from her belly when she saw this baby growing in mine and grew concerned. Now, I just reassure her all the time that she was my first baby whether she grew inside me or not and that she will always be my little baby no matter how big she gets. She gets so tickled from this. I also tell her she and I will still get alone time without the baby to have special big girl time while daddy keeps the baby. She has never said another word about this again, but I still make reassuring comments from time to time.

LEGALLYblonde86 · June 2015

Thank you! I hate seeing her hurt and I know it will change when her sister gets here. My sister and I were telling her that when they get older, it's like always having a best friend. My sister even talked to her and told her some stories about how we were as kids and how she used to annoy me because she wanted to play with my toys and wear my clothes, but that it was really just because she looked up to me so much that she wanted to be just like me. She told her that's how it will be with this baby and her.

That seemed to help...made her laugh at least. Ugh, my heart just hurts for her when I see her so upset!

heath3er · June 2015

LEGALLYblonde86 said:
A quick little back story.
My 6 year old daughter has a sad excuse for a biological father. Over a year ago, he took her across the country without mine or the courts permission and was found in Tennessee when he got pulled over by the police. He had numerous drugs in the car. Luckily, she made it home safe and after he missed court and missed all of the recommended rehab sessions, visitation is now non existent. Thank God I married an amazing man who not only stepped up as an incredible father to her, but has supported her in every way she could possibly need with everything she has gone through. Not long after the visitation stopped, she came to me one night and asked if she could call him Daddy, because she knew that he loves her, she loves him and that's how Dads are supposed to be. (As much as it broke my heart that my then 4 year old even had to think about that, I am so happy that he instilled that trust and bond with her )We have her in counseling so that she can work through any left over feelings or new feelings that she has.
Now, with us expecting another baby, we have taken a lot of time to make sure that she feels secure in her relationship with my husband, so that she doesn't feel like she is having her daddy taken away again. We have been very careful not to use the word change ("there will be a lot of changes when the baby comes") and instead saying things like "our family will be growing". We have made sure to keep her involved by going to appointments, helping us pick out the middle name, picking out nursery décor. My husband has been taking her out for "Daddy Daughter Date Night" when they get time together for a movie and ice cream or sometimes just getting up early on a Saturday to go to the local diner for breakfast. Her and I have "Girls Day" when we garden together, or get pedicures, or go to the bookstore together and read. We still have "Family Movie Night" once a week where we watch a family movie and have popcorn at home. We talk about the ways she will be such a big help, like getting me a glass of water when I am breast feeding, or turning on the swing. I think you guys get the point.
Last night, she looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked if she is going to be left out. Now, I know it is hard to explain things sometimes and that once the baby comes, she will actually be able to see how even though there are some things that are different, she will still be a huge part of it. Do any of you have any suggestions on how to help her through this some more than we already are? Wondering what you have done with your older children to get ready for new siblings, especially if they are the children of partners other than their own mom or dad?

We are going through the same thing. My son adores my husband. My ex is finally letting my husband adopt our son. It has been a long road. We have told Our son hat he has a big role and needs to help and remember he is the big brother.

He has said the same things, and cries, has been acting out at school. Things are so tough right now.

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