IVF Fundraising - Yes or No??!!

ShelbyK84 · January 2015

My husband and I are wracking our brains as to how to go forward with IFV and still be able to put our kids through college one day. I know there are grants and loans out there but someone suggested doing a fundraiser at a little bowling alley that my hubby are on a league at. My question is: Is this tacky? It's not like we're dying or have cancer or anything...we just want to start our family!! We've already spent so much money on all of our treatments and the big stuff hasn't even started. Opinions?? Thanks!

Bleebebebebe · January 2015

I personally don't think it's tacky but I'm sure some people who haven't dealt firsthand with IF might feel it is. I think if money was the biggest hurdle standing between me and having a family I'd do almost ANYTHING and try not to care one bit about what anyone thought. No one has to donate! Is there anyone else who could host the fundraiser? A close friend or family member? I'm thinking in terms of etiquette for things like baby showers or wedding showers it's tacky to plan it yourself....

MagicMikki · January 2015

While I can completely understand the point behind the fundraising and I'm sure you have the very best intentions, I do think it is a little tacky, but I don't know that tacky is the right word. These types of benefits and fundraisers are usually in response for those who have been afflicted with a terrible life circumstance (trust me, I, too, believe that IF is a terrible life circumstance!). However, while EVERYONE has known someone who has, for example, died of cancer, few people know someone who has been given the diagnosis of IF. Furthermore, even your close friends and family may know that you have this diagnosis, but most people won't understand the emotional and physical pain it can cause a person.

So, while IF is very tragic for those who have gone through it, very few people will see it that way, and most others will fail to relate, or understand the consequences of IF, and will struggle to understand why a fundraiser might be important to you.

Recently, I had watched an acquaintance on Facebook go through several years' worth of expensive treatment, only to run out of money with no success. She and her husband turned to a Go Fund Me fundraiser, and she was met with some serious comments and feedback. Though DH and I are also TTC and I understand where she's coming from, her approach still came off in such a "weird" way, I couldn't stand to watch this anymore and de friended her, even though I know what she's going through.

Of course, I'm sure there are great ways to raise money with a sensitive approach, I just think one should tread carefully when raising money for oneself in this type of situation. I totally agree with PP about having a close friend or family member setting one up!

vpine · January 2015

I personally would have gotten a loan over doing fundraising. It's not about being tacky or not - infertility is not a life or death situation

jnissa · January 2015

Ask yourself this, and of course everybody here hopes that this will not be the case: How will you feel if your IVF cycle is a BFN and then all of these people who contributed ask you how it turned out?

Aside from being tacky, which it is, there is no way you're going to want to have to rehash a BFN off an IVF cycle to a huge group of people whom you'll feel somewhat like you owe the information too. It will be emotionally awful.

GoBucksOH · January 2015

No. Just NO. Don't do it. Off the charts tacky and just a bad idea. If people (family) want to help, they will offer without you asking. Otherwise, save your money until you can afford it.

KatieBride06 · January 2015

lurker suggestion, so take it or leave it....

personally, i would not 'fundraise' per say.

But what I would be comfortable is hubby and i talking to our immediate families about the dilema. your family might be able to help. you could pool together and do a group yard sale or something to raise money.

christid0521 · January 2015

I did a "deposit a gift" account, which is similar to go fund me. I created a facebook event, attached the link to the website, invited only family and few close friends, and we decided to share our story and ask for help (whether it was monetary or emotional). It was the first time many of my family members heard about my situation, and we were fortunate enough to have some money raised to assist with the cost. It's not tacky to ask for help by all means. It's the execution in how you do it that may give off the wrong impression to some.

rioslove · January 2015

I feel like there are a lot of opinions out there and please don't take them too personal.......having said that I did have a friend surprise me with a gofundme account. I collected almost half the money I needed. It was weird at first thinking of asking for money for something that was my problem but was shocked and grateful for all the support. It was an amazing feeling to think that these people wanted to help my dream of having a family.
Good luck with what ever you decide.

samantha5110 · January 2015

Tacky..... Tacky??!! Is being infertile TACKY? Is your dreams shattering into a million pieces TACKY?!?! I don't think so! People who know you and what you're going through would totally understand and be willing to help you!! My aunt did a fundraiser for me and my husband selling subs. She took order form to her work and so did my ENTIRE family!! We got like $400 out of it. Would I do it again? Yes, yes and YES!!! The people who know you and love you don't thing your struggle is "tacky". As far as what these other women are saying, I would just totally disregard them. They obviously haven't struggled in ways that we have. I wish you the best!

vpine · January 2015

@samantha5110‌- everyone's IF struggle is unique. Just because your opinion isn't the same on this fundraising question, doesn't mean you should think your or OP struggle is any harder or more special than others.

MagicMikki · January 2015

@samantha5110‌, I am certain the question was whether fundraising was tacky, NOT whether infertility was tacky! That's great that your family set up that kind of fundraiser for you, and I'm sorry that you're offended that other women on here have said that fundraising is tacky. It sounds like your family did the fundraising in a tactful way, but I really think you misunderstood the OP's concern and PP's answers. That being said, your reaction was quite aggressive. I know there is a very good chance that you're long gone and will never see this message to you (after all, people who drop such ignorant statements as yours tend to run fast and far from here), but I still feel the need to say that I think your piece about others on here not having struggled like you is quite possibly the most ridiculous statement I have ever read on this board (and there's A LOT of ridiculous stuff). Not only is your statement completely uncalled for and offensive, as I'm sure you meant it to be, but it's also so very untrue. I can see you were trying to NOT answer OP's question, but rather defend yourself and your previous choices to the world. Good job, you really made a worthy contribution here!! *eye roll*

GoBucksOH · January 2015

@samantha5110 either you are a troll or just ignorant. On an open message board people are entitled to their opinions and that's exactly what the OP asked for. If you don't like it, move on. Your statements are not only totally rude, but incredibly insensitive and have no place on this board. And they are a clear indication of your maturity level. My DH and I are 100% OOP for IF treatments and are wrapping up our first IVF with ICSI. Family helped us, but as a surprise without us asking. You do not have to agree with me, but you do have to respect my, and others, opinions, and my opinion remains that it IS in fact tacky.

mem387 · June 2015

I'm so torn on the funding subject. My husband and I were TTC for a year and the sought out help from a fertility clinic. We went over the options and made a logical plan of how to proceed. We were told Clomid most likely would not work but it was worth a try so we did a cycle and failed. We tried an IUI which had a very low probability of success but we tried as it was no were near as invasive or costly as IVF. It failed. Maybe I'm just dumb but my first instinct wasn't to fundraise or create gofund me accounts. It was to tighten up the budget and save as much as we could to reduce the loan amount needed. The loans don't have great interest rates but we wanted a child. My husband and I didn't eat out or spend extra money on anything for 8 months . We then applied for the loan and had payments. The first ivf transfer didn't happen and my husband was placed on a medicine costing $250 a month while I had to fight with the insurance company to cover any of the second round mess for a FET needless to say that failed and once again we need more money out of pocket for the 2nd FET which I was only told about after starting medications. I thought I was going to have to stop medications because we didn't have another 4 grand. But instead of stopping my husband called and demand a payment plan for not informing us ahead of time . On top of all that there were countless procedures, surgeries, and testing that were out of pocket. But never once did I think to ask others. I did think about a second job and so did my husband .

So today I'm on FB and see a friends post who has struggled for years to have a child and adopted one last year and is now asking for money. By all means I like to help a friend in need but she boast in her post how they haven't had to take out a loan!!! After spending $35k on treatments and having to figure out with Gods help how to pay them off should this bother me or am I being heartless and feeling guilty for not donating?

Cin2014 · June 2015

@ Shelbyk84 I think is a personal choice between you and your husband.. Infertility comes with emotional stress, financial stress and many different types of stress. My husband and I decided to save our money, It was important for us not to get into any kind of debt. We wanted to eliminate some stress during our IFV cycle. So, we decided to save it all!!!!! We stopped eating out, I stopped getting my nails done. I started taking my lunch to work everyday, I stopped shopping for shoes, handbags, clothes. After we paid for all the bills, anything extra went straight to savings.... And we did it, we saved all the money we needed for IVF! Once we realize we had all the money for our little baby we both got so emotional because at one point we thought we would never get there. I really Hope that our story helps you!!!

Good Luck with everything!

jnissa · June 2015

Oh, goodness. @samantha5110‌.

I looked at your post history, and certainly you have been through the IF ringer. My heart goes out to you. But I suspect that if I did the same with many of the women who replied on this thread that the same statement would be true. People wouldn't be on this forum if their dreams weren't being jeopardized.

OP specifically asked if people thought fundraising was tacky, presumably because she too felt a level of discomfort with it. She had her big girl panties on when she asked and was prepared for any and all opinions, which were given. Aside from *possibly* one response (which may just be sounding insensitive because the internet doesn't show personality), everybody who commented that they thought it was tacky either said that it was ultimately up to OP, that they understood the need or gave viable alternatives. Everybody here struggles with the financial realities of IF. And the emotional ones.

StaceNola1023 · June 2015

My husband and I thought it over as well, but as @jnissa has said, I did not want to then have to keep explaining and sharing every milestone of our experience with all of the donators. Also, if we got a BFN, then would these people then expect their money back? (I know you say "No way", but people can be weird with this kind of thing.)
We saved up for almost 2 years before beginning our first cycle this month, with my husband working overtime and taking on side work. I know the delay may have aged my eggs, but that was the option we felt most comfortable with and was right for OUR situation. It's your journey, and only you can ultimately decide how comfortable you will be.

przemosbabe · June 2015

This thread is 6 months old.

pregnancydiscussion · June 2015

With IVF (In Vitro Fertilization), is a method of assisted reproduction, a man's sperm and the woman's egg are combined in a laboratory dish, where fertilization occurs. Yet, it sometimes goes wrong. See how severe IVF towards pregnancy here: https://tinyurl.com/getpregnants .

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