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August 2015 Moms
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Lots of change :-/ very anxious

nakoppelnakoppel member
in August 2015 Moms
I'll be 29 weeks tomorrow (Friday) and other than a new baby there is about to be a lot of change in our house. We recently decided to move my 18 year old brother in law from his moms house in Michigan to our house in North Carolina. We are driving him down tonight with us. He's been in a really bad situation with his mom, he's functionally autistic and just graduated high school. His mom wants to take away his inhaler and doesn't want him to work just collect social security. He wants to work and eventually start school. He's also grossly overweight (close to 300 pounds) and his mom will not buy healthy food for him to eat. He wants to change his life for the better which is why we offered for him to move in with us. I'm happy to help him and give him this opportunity. But I've recently become very stressed out about it. Having another person to feed and care for. While he is an adult his mom has always done everything for him and there are a lot of basic things he doesn't know how to do (like laundry). Obviously we plan to teach him these things. I got let go in her beginning of May so money is already tight. I know we are doing the right thing but I just can't seem to get my anxiety and stress under control. My mom keeps telling me if I don't I'll put myself in pre-term labor but I really can't seem to calm down. Amy suggestions on how to destress? Plus I have a 13 hour car ride tonight :(.
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Re: Lots of change :-/ very anxious

  • aseajackaseajack member
    Maybe talk with your husband on your long car ride and discuss any boundaries or expectations... Such as will you expect him to clean up after himself or take his turn doing dishes after dinner or your bedroom is your space etc. and make sure your on the same page and if your BIL intends to work there is nothing wrong with talking about him putting a little toward groceries but if he is going to school then mom should be chipping in on the grocery expense. Having an extra person in your home especially when your getting ready to adjust to a new baby is very stressful and I have been there and to me the best way to deal with it and adjust to the new situation is to have some control over what's going on instead of feeling like your being thrown into complete chaos.
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    aseajack said:
    Maybe talk with your husband on your long car ride and discuss any boundaries or expectations... Such as will you expect him to clean up after himself or take his turn doing dishes after dinner or your bedroom is your space etc. and make sure your on the same page and if your BIL intends to work there is nothing wrong with talking about him putting a little toward groceries but if he is going to school then mom should be chipping in on the grocery expense. Having an extra person in your home especially when your getting ready to adjust to a new baby is very stressful and I have been there and to me the best way to deal with it and adjust to the new situation is to have some control over what's going on instead of feeling like your being thrown into complete chaos.

    I do feel like I was thrown into chaos :-/. Normally I would talk to him on the long car ride but I feel bad because my BIL will be in the car and I feel like that makes it a little awkward. I don't want him to think he is unwelcome :-/.
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  • blovemamablovemama member
    That is horrible that she wants to take away his inhaler! I would think that depending on the size of your town, there might be some free/subsidized resources available. Maybe try to see if there's support group you could get connected to?
    Together since '07
    Married since '12
    Off the pill since 5/14
    BFP: 8/10/14 -- CP 8/22/14
    BFP: 12/10/15 -- Prayers requested

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  • JNOVA2015JNOVA2015 member
    First of all, I just wanted to say that this is such an amazing thing that you're doing for your BIL. Not everyone would step up to the plate like that, and he is incredibly lucky to have you in his life looking out for him. You and your husband are obviously good peoples.

    I think the best thing to do is set rules and boundaries when he is there. It will help you stay sane, and honestly it's also the best thing for his autism. You can start with small rules and assign him a few minor chores (keeping his room neat, washing dishes after dinner, etc.) and build up over time as he gets more comfortable and you can better assess his capabilities.

    Is there a plan in place for school? Signing him up for a couple community college classes might be a good place to start.
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    BritJonathan said:
    That is horrible that she wants to take away his inhaler! I would think that depending on the size of your town, there might be some free/subsidized resources available. Maybe try to see if there's support group you could get connected to?

    We are a military family so we have resources on base we plan to utilize for him.
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    JNOVA2015 said:
    First of all, I just wanted to say that this is such an amazing thing that you're doing for your BIL. Not everyone would step up to the plate like that, and he is incredibly lucky to have you in his life looking out for him. You and your husband are obviously good peoples. I think the best thing to do is set rules and boundaries when he is there. It will help you stay sane, and honestly it's also the best thing for his autism. You can start with small rules and assign him a few minor chores (keeping his room neat, washing dishes after dinner, etc.) and build up over time as he gets more comfortable and you can better assess his capabilities. Is there a plan in place for school? Signing him up for a couple community college classes might be a good place to start.

    Thanks you :). I know you're right, I want to set rules but I also don't want to sound like his mom so I guess it's just figuring out how to phrase them. I want him to start at the community college but I think it will take awhile to get him social comfortable enough to socially to want him to attend. Our first priority is to get his weight down and get him healthy.
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  • Kimk1616Kimk1616 member
    I don't have any advice for you but I think what you are doing for your BIL is amazing. He's lucky to have you and your husband.
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    Thanks @Kimk1616 :) I appreciate your kind words
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  • Miz_LizMiz_Liz member
    First, I want to echo that I think what you are doing is an amazing thing and you sound like a great person! His mother is clearly not fit to be a mother and the poor thing has probably had it pretty rough for awhile. Who knows, maybe once you get him in and situated and he starts to see the promise of a better life, he may surprise you and turn out to be a big help!! After all, you said he wants to lose weight and get healthy, so clearly he wants a better life for himself - that is a good sign that he won't just be some slug taking up space on your couch. Sure there will be an adjustment period, but things have a funny way of working out. Once he sees how much you two truly care and what you are doing for him, he may very well want to do stuff for you to return the favor. Don't stress, be proud of the person you are and the mother that you will be - you are already setting a great example for your unborn child. Good luck!!
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    Miz_Liz said:
    First, I want to echo that I think what you are doing is an amazing thing and you sound like a great person! His mother is clearly not fit to be a mother and the poor thing has probably had it pretty rough for awhile. Who knows, maybe once you get him in and situated and he starts to see the promise of a better life, he may surprise you and turn out to be a big help!! After all, you said he wants to lose weight and get healthy, so clearly he wants a better life for himself - that is a good sign that he won't just be some slug taking up space on your couch. Sure there will be an adjustment period, but things have a funny way of working out. Once he sees how much you two truly care and what you are doing for him, he may very well want to do stuff for you to return the favor. Don't stress, be proud of the person you are and the mother that you will be - you are already setting a great example for your unborn child. Good luck!!

    Your kind words made me want to cry! Thank you so much. You're absolutely right in that he does want a better life so once he gets to our home he maybe super motivated. I guess I should wait and see before I start worrying about problems that don't exists yet. It's just very hard not to stress with all the unknowns coming my way and wanting to make my BIL feel welcome but then also having a new baby :-/
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  • jenandbrettjenandbrett member
    You are doing an awesome thing, great job! It's totally normal to be stressed at the prospect of all of this change, but when it gets overwhelming, try to keep your mind on the big goal and why you are doing this. It will help you calm down to become big picture focused rather than bogged down in the details, at least for a few minutes.
    Trigger Warning (LC and loss) -- 
    Married May 2008 
    Beautiful daughter Alyssa born April 23, 2011 
    Precious son Isaac born at 34 weeks in April 27, 2014 with Potters Syndrome Type 4 and Down Syndrome - trusted into the arms of Jesus after 3 hours.
    Pregnant again! Due August 8, 2015 please be healthy, little one!

      (results on 2/4/15 showed no Down's and it's a girl!) Lilypie Maternity tickers
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  • gmd88gmd88 member
    I think what you are doing is wonderful. I also don't have a lot of advice but I admire you and your husband. Only advice I have is to take things one day at a time. Things have a funny way of working out! Best of luck
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  • chewie5990chewie5990 member
    edited June 2015
    I'm lurking from another birth month but I wanted to offer some advice! I am a teacher at a residential school for young adults with high functioning disabilities and about 80% of my students are on the autism spectrum. I think what you are doing is amazing because I see so many of my students in this same situation ( parents want them around just so they can collect disability and don't want them to work or be independent) trying to help him get a volunteer job once or twice a week would be very beneficial. Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter what - if it's your turn to do dishes it doesn't matter what your day was like you do the dishes! You have to follow through on rules and boundaries every time or it will not make sense. A lot of my students tried college and were not successful even though they are intellectually very smart. They generally have a hard time with self motivation, discipline, and control so things like turning in assignments, going to class, and studying were more difficult. You may want to check and see what kind of disability services your state has. In Texas we have DARS and they fund our the students at my school. DARS pays 100% for them to come either as a day student or residential student for 18 months. We help them learn social skills, life skills, and work skills. We also help them get a job and offer 3 months of job coaching and will help them find and apartment if they are capable of living independently. You may want to research something like this in your area. I hope everything works out for you! please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    chewie5990 said:
    I'm lurking from another birth month but I wanted to offer some advice! I am a teacher at a residential school for young adults with high functioning disabilities and about 80% of my students are on the autism spectrum. I think what you are doing is amazing because I see so many of my students in this same situation ( parents want them around just so they can collect disability and don't want them to work or be independent) trying to help him get a volunteer job once or twice a week would be very beneficial. Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter what - if it's your turn to do dishes it doesn't matter what your day was like you do the dishes! You have to follow through on rules and boundaries every time or it will not make sense. A lot of my students tried college and were not successful even though they are intellectually very smart. They generally have a hard time with self motivation, discipline, and control so things like turning in assignments, going to class, and studying were more difficult. You may want to check and see what kind of disability services your state has. In Texas we have DARS and they fund our the students at my school. DARS pays 100% for them to come either as a day student or residential student for 18 months. We help them learn social skills, life skills, and work skills. We also help them get a job and offer 3 months of job coaching and will help them find and apartment if they are capable of living independently. You may want to research something like this in your area. I hope everything works out for you! please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

    Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. We already started setting some boundaries on the car ride here. I know some stuff I'll have to teach him (like laundry and cleaning his room) but I told him as long as he wants to learn I'll show him. We live on a military base and have a variety of great resources on base. There is something called the exceptional family member program which is for dependents who have anything from asthma to autism. He told me today he doesn't want to go to college even community college. He would be content working a minimum wage job for the rest of his life :-/. His lack of motivation greatly concerns me. I'm not sure if being around DH and I and a new more positive environment will change it or not.
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  • Miz_LizMiz_Liz member
    nakoppel said:
    chewie5990 said:
    I'm lurking from another birth month but I wanted to offer some advice! I am a teacher at a residential school for young adults with high functioning disabilities and about 80% of my students are on the autism spectrum. I think what you are doing is amazing because I see so many of my students in this same situation ( parents want them around just so they can collect disability and don't want them to work or be independent) trying to help him get a volunteer job once or twice a week would be very beneficial. Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter what - if it's your turn to do dishes it doesn't matter what your day was like you do the dishes! You have to follow through on rules and boundaries every time or it will not make sense. A lot of my students tried college and were not successful even though they are intellectually very smart. They generally have a hard time with self motivation, discipline, and control so things like turning in assignments, going to class, and studying were more difficult. You may want to check and see what kind of disability services your state has. In Texas we have DARS and they fund our the students at my school. DARS pays 100% for them to come either as a day student or residential student for 18 months. We help them learn social skills, life skills, and work skills. We also help them get a job and offer 3 months of job coaching and will help them find and apartment if they are capable of living independently. You may want to research something like this in your area. I hope everything works out for you! please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

    Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. We already started setting some boundaries on the car ride here. I know some stuff I'll have to teach him (like laundry and cleaning his room) but I told him as long as he wants to learn I'll show him. We live on a military base and have a variety of great resources on base. There is something called the exceptional family member program which is for dependents who have anything from asthma to autism. He told me today he doesn't want to go to college even community college. He would be content working a minimum wage job for the rest of his life :-/. His lack of motivation greatly concerns me. I'm not sure if being around DH and I and a new more positive environment will change it or not.

    I wouldn't push the college thing with him yet. Keep in mind that this is a DRASTIC change for him too. Even if he says he wants to work a min wage job for the rest of his life, remind yourself that he IS saying he WANTS to work. I would help him find a job that he won't fail at. It may be something as simple as being the cart boy at a grocery store to start - and that is okay! Having a job and an income will help give him a sense of self worth! You can then start to inspire him to want more by taking small steps, for example, ask him if there is something he wants to buy, a larger purchase that he can save towards, but not SO large that it will take him forever to buy it (maybe a TV for his room?). Help him save his money and then take him to the store to buy it and make a big deal out of it, celebrate! Then later talk about how awesome it was that he was able to buy it on his own and slowly introduce how more money means he can get more stuff he wants and in order to do that he will need to learn a trade. Of course it will also be healthy to have him help with bills too. Sure, he may not be able to pay half of your rent/mortgage, but maybe he can pay half of the cable bill each month at first? Just keep reminding yourself, Rome was not built overnight! And don't forget to make time for you and your DH too. Lastly, don't forget to remind yourself daily that you are doing a great thing, no matter how hard it may be at times, it is the right thing. Maybe find a support group for yourself too.
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    Miz_Liz said:
    nakoppel said:
    chewie5990 said:
    I'm lurking from another birth month but I wanted to offer some advice! I am a teacher at a residential school for young adults with high functioning disabilities and about 80% of my students are on the autism spectrum. I think what you are doing is amazing because I see so many of my students in this same situation ( parents want them around just so they can collect disability and don't want them to work or be independent) trying to help him get a volunteer job once or twice a week would be very beneficial. Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter what - if it's your turn to do dishes it doesn't matter what your day was like you do the dishes! You have to follow through on rules and boundaries every time or it will not make sense. A lot of my students tried college and were not successful even though they are intellectually very smart. They generally have a hard time with self motivation, discipline, and control so things like turning in assignments, going to class, and studying were more difficult. You may want to check and see what kind of disability services your state has. In Texas we have DARS and they fund our the students at my school. DARS pays 100% for them to come either as a day student or residential student for 18 months. We help them learn social skills, life skills, and work skills. We also help them get a job and offer 3 months of job coaching and will help them find and apartment if they are capable of living independently. You may want to research something like this in your area. I hope everything works out for you! please feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

    Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. We already started setting some boundaries on the car ride here. I know some stuff I'll have to teach him (like laundry and cleaning his room) but I told him as long as he wants to learn I'll show him. We live on a military base and have a variety of great resources on base. There is something called the exceptional family member program which is for dependents who have anything from asthma to autism. He told me today he doesn't want to go to college even community college. He would be content working a minimum wage job for the rest of his life :-/. His lack of motivation greatly concerns me. I'm not sure if being around DH and I and a new more positive environment will change it or not.

    I wouldn't push the college thing with him yet. Keep in mind that this is a DRASTIC change for him too. Even if he says he wants to work a min wage job for the rest of his life, remind yourself that he IS saying he WANTS to work. I would help him find a job that he won't fail at. It may be something as simple as being the cart boy at a grocery store to start - and that is okay! Having a job and an income will help give him a sense of self worth! You can then start to inspire him to want more by taking small steps, for example, ask him if there is something he wants to buy, a larger purchase that he can save towards, but not SO large that it will take him forever to buy it (maybe a TV for his room?). Help him save his money and then take him to the store to buy it and make a big deal out of it, celebrate! Then later talk about how awesome it was that he was able to buy it on his own and slowly introduce how more money means he can get more stuff he wants and in order to do that he will need to learn a trade. Of course it will also be healthy to have him help with bills too. Sure, he may not be able to pay half of your rent/mortgage, but maybe he can pay half of the cable bill each month at first? Just keep reminding yourself, Rome was not built overnight! And don't forget to make time for you and your DH too. Lastly, don't forget to remind yourself daily that you are doing a great thing, no matter how hard it may be at times, it is the right thing. Maybe find a support group for yourself too.

    Those are some really great ideas :). My DH keeps reminding me that it will take a lot of baby steps to get him where he needs to be. I think purchasing stuff for himself will be a huge thing (I know he hates not having his own money). With all our resources on base they help family members find jobs suited to their skill level. My DH is really committed to getting him healthy and his weight under control first as it has lead to a variety of other health problems for my BIL. I've thought about trying to find a support group or counselor for myself just because I'm struggling to handle all the changes and not be so emotional. But the kind words from you ladies have helped so much! I can't thank you enough for the support.
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  • nakoppelnakoppel member
    Also we pay for his cell phone (it was kind of a graduation gift). One of my big goals is to have him start paying his share of that bill
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