Husband opposed to doula

lalg28 · June 2015

DH doesn't like my doula idea. I think the support and knowledge would be great, but he feels like a doctor is more qualified to make the decisions and he and my mom will be in the room for support, so what else do I need? Is there a good retort for this? I want one but don't have to have one. Anyone used one, felt it was worth it?

ash413 · June 2015

I think it depends what your goals are.
perhaps you 2 could meet with a few and let them explain to your husband what all they help with. I think they can definitely be very useful.

kcmichel · June 2015

I wanted to try one but my DH kind of questioned me hard and made it seem pointless too. They are there equipped with physical techniques to help with pain, help you feel more comfortable and calm etc. I think my DH didn't want to have someone else doing that for me. And honestly he did an awesome job and got better with each labor/birth. If he wins this argument - make sure he is attentive and on board with your plan and that he knows his role is to be your voice when you are in too much pain to speak or think straight and go with watever you want to do physically - hold your hand, let you lean on him while standing, support you when squatting etc.
I hope he does let you have your way though. I know when you don't quite know what to expect, it's a little scary. Hope someone can maybe give you a perpective to use as a counter-argument. Just wanted to share my experience incase it dosnt work out.
Best of luck and congratulations!
Edited to add: He can learn some simple techniques and tricks to try and help you with the pain too, if you look around you can find videos/demos on them.

Blake&Blair · June 2015

the doula doesn't make decisions, she is used as your voice to relay what you would prefer. she really helps get you the birth that you want, within circumstances.

ketobaby · June 2015

I say interview some doulas and see if you make a connection. Then I would still in your DH's brain that you would prefer to have one. You're the one going through the birth so you should have more of a say.

laurabwalker · June 2015

Maybe talk about how they can both support you in different ways? If you want a drug free birth you could talk about that, lots of women like to have both for support because the process is exhausting for everyone, they can be a good support to your spouse as well.

nekedfeet · June 2015

Fodder for retort: A doctor and a doula have completely different functions.

While of course a doctor is concerned with the care of the mother as well, he is far more concerned with care of the baby. He/she will not be in the room with you the whole time, helping you thru difficult moments, helping you find positions that might help, etc. nor will he or she be holding your hand through the whole birth!!

A doula's job is not to hold your hand per se, but they are your top advocate. Even though a "birth plan" is really just a rough sketch of what you would like to happen, she can help make it a reality by asking the doctor: "if mom's, ok, if baby's ok, can we have more time before you start with the interventions (i.e. administering pitocin)". If this is your first child, even if it isn't, your husband can't predict how he will react in a situation where the person he loves most in the world is in a lot of pain and he is "powerless" to help. He might be armed with information, but it might also go out the window when he sees you struggling. Not assuming anything about your particular relationship, but some people when under great stress, don't deal very well with their partners (or mothers!) telling them what to do/giving advice. Something to consider.

A doula is a highly knowledgeable person to have around- whether or not you choose to utilize her at every moment, having someone who has "been there before" listening to what's going on with you and coming up with solutions, will be very comforting. The doctor will likely be in and out of the room and not hanging around unless you're ready to push.

Besides, your husband might have to pee at some point, and your mom might be in the cafeteria and it will be nice to not be alone!

Anyway, there are just my opnions, but it sounds like something you want as well, now you just have something more to discuss with your husband as to who holds what function: dr. is there for baby, doula is there for mom-- and why it might be a beneficial thing for you both!

livebeautifully · June 2015

A doula is also really useful if you want to labor at home for a while. She can help you get through labor at home and help you decide when a good idea to get to the hospital would be. I would definitely get a doula for a hospital birth to have an advocate. I am doing a home birth and also feel a strong need to have a doula there as I won't have the support of hospital staff in my home.

Mizuiro007 · June 2015

To offer a little different advice. Maybe you should do some more research and think about why exactly you want a doula so you can come back a little firmer and tell your husband exact reasons. I'm not saying they aren't great but if you don't feel you absolutely have to have one, and this might be a good idea anyway, talk to your husband about taking classes. The birthing center I have used and plan to use this time offers a class for natural pain management techniques during labor. If you're all a little more prepared maybe you'd feel more comfortable. Mostly I just feel that you need to do some thinking about how you want your birth to go (ideally) and with sorting out what exactly you want that may help you figure out why you want a doula as well. I know I can always argue for why I want something a lot better if I can explain why it's important to me.

grkgdss00 · June 2015

A doula won't make decisions for you, she is there for labor support, for you and your family - so it's a different role than your doctor. You and your DH and doctor will be making your decisions.

I'm considering hiring a doula because my husband is deathly afraid of hospitals, blood, and anything medically related. He could barely make it through our 8 week appt and nothing even happened. So I know he won't be the kind of "coach" I need during a natural labor. If your husband is willing to take on that role full force and give all the support a doula would, then maybe you consider giving him that gift. I would love it if my DH could step up.

Jazmine928 · June 2015

I agree with what people have said above. I am a doula and can understand your husband's feelings. Since attending a few births, I have noticed how you hardly see the doctor at all during your labor. They come in every couple of hours and then at the very end. You will interact with your nurse much more frequently, but even still, there are shift changes and nurses are busy and don't hang out with you. In the event that you don't like your nurse, you at least have your doula who can suggest different positions and be a constant support. Doulas also know that couples need alone time as well and on many occasions, I've taken trips to the hospital cafeteria because mom and dad needed to be alone. I also think it's hard for husbands to understand the role of a doula so I'd chat with people who have had them and interview some. You can interview as many doulas as you like and you still don't need to choose one

A close friend of mine who had a VBAC said there is no way it would have been possible without her amazing nurse. Unfortunately, not all nurses are the same and you never know who you will get! I also think a doula is amazing because YOU are their focus. Everyone else in the room is so excited about the baby, but you might want someone whose sole responsibility is you.

VesperLove · June 2015

I love what everyone else has talked about and I'd also like to note that doulas can be incredibly helpful for husbands/SOs too! It obviously is mainly about the mother having an advocate but the mere presence of someone who knows the ins and outs of the birthing process can be supportive on both sides. I have a friend who used a doula and while she loved it, her husband loved it even more. PPs are right, doctors and nurses are not always in the room and if mom has a terrible contraction, is in pain, wants something but can't put it into words, etc, the husband can feel really helpless in those moments -- what to do, what to say, etc. Having someone there just to say "this is normal and a part of the process" and explain what's likely happening with the body, the contraction, the process, etc, can be reassuring.

I do agree with others, too, that you should solidify exactly WHY you want one so you can verbalize that to your husband to help him understand. For me, it's not about trying to convince DH that I want/need one -- it's the financial aspect of it that turns DH off

We're working on that.

blackpugmom · June 2015

As a labor and delivery nurse and third time mom and think your husband is correct. Doulas are labor support people and not there to serve as any source of medical knowledge. This is something my patients rarley understand and they will defer to their doulas when we are discussing with them their medical care. The doula should then say to her client that she is not there to give medical advice, but often this confuses the family. Doulas have no medical training please do not think that they do. You sound as if you have a support system in place which is great. If you chose a doula expect that you will be told upon admission that your doula is there as your guest and is not a substitute for your trained medical team. She may also be expected to sign a contract to this effect as doulas sometimes like to overstep their boundaries and interfere with their clients care. There are some good ones that understand the boundaries but I have to say they have been the minority. Best wishes.

4puddleducks · June 2015

blackpugmom said:

As a labor and delivery nurse and third time mom and think your husband is correct. Doulas are labor support people and not there to serve as any source of medical knowledge. This is something my patients rarley understand and they will defer to their doulas when we are discussing with them their medical care. The doula should then say to her client that she is not there to give medical advice, but often this confuses the family. Doulas have no medical training please do not think that they do. You sound as if you have a support system in place which is great. If you chose a doula expect that you will be told upon admission that your doula is there as your guest and is not a substitute for your trained medical team. She may also be expected to sign a contract to this effect as doulas sometimes like to overstep their boundaries and interfere with their clients care. There are some good ones that understand the boundaries but I have to say they have been the minority. Best wishes.

^ This exactly! Doulas make me nervous since moms to be put so much faith in them and there is no licensing, regulatory board or mandatory schooling of any kind to assist in birth. The local doula lists her 6 births as her training. Wow!

Jazmine928 · June 2015

kyleneum13 said:
I love what everyone else has talked about and I'd also like to note that doulas can be incredibly helpful for husbands/SOs too! It obviously is mainly about the mother having an advocate but the mere presence of someone who knows the ins and outs of the birthing process can be supportive on both sides. I have a friend who used a doula and while she loved it, her husband loved it even more. PPs are right, doctors and nurses are not always in the room and if mom has a terrible contraction, is in pain, wants something but can't put it into words, etc, the husband can feel really helpless in those moments -- what to do, what to say, etc. Having someone there just to say "this is normal and a part of the process" and explain what's likely happening with the body, the contraction, the process, etc, can be reassuring.

I do agree with others, too, that you should solidify exactly WHY you want one so you can verbalize that to your husband to help him understand. For me, it's not about trying to convince DH that I want/need one -- it's the financial aspect of it that turns DH off We're working on that.

There might be a new doula in your area looking to get their feet wet! They often charge very little or nothing at all

A more experienced doula might be able to refer you to someone. Good luck!

VesperLove · June 2015

Jazmine928 said:

I love what everyone else has talked about and I'd also like to note that doulas can be incredibly helpful for husbands/SOs too! It obviously is mainly about the mother having an advocate but the mere presence of someone who knows the ins and outs of the birthing process can be supportive on both sides. I have a friend who used a doula and while she loved it, her husband loved it even more. PPs are right, doctors and nurses are not always in the room and if mom has a terrible contraction, is in pain, wants something but can't put it into words, etc, the husband can feel really helpless in those moments -- what to do, what to say, etc. Having someone there just to say "this is normal and a part of the process" and explain what's likely happening with the body, the contraction, the process, etc, can be reassuring.

I do agree with others, too, that you should solidify exactly WHY you want one so you can verbalize that to your husband to help him understand. For me, it's not about trying to convince DH that I want/need one -- it's the financial aspect of it that turns DH off We're working on that.
There might be a new doula in your area looking to get their feet wet! They often charge very little or nothing at all A more experienced doula might be able to refer you to someone. Good luck!

Great point, thank you! I'll look into it!

enigmaanjel · June 2015

Also, doulas are trained in mommys....meaning their purpose is to pamper mommy. And sometimes daddy too. I was a birth attendant for years. I have many medical degrees and have caught a few babies myself. But i worked side by side with lots of doulas and have never seen one try and do any medical stuff. They will help enforce the birth plan or moms wishes and may help speak for mom. But they are there to take care of mom. Pretty much you are paying for extra attention. Mine gave me back rubs during labor to give dad a break. They are an asset. But if you have one that is trying to do medical stuff...ditch her. You need to both click with the doula as well. She will also do post partum visits and mine helped with placenta stuff i wanted done. If both of you are not on board, i would not pay the money to have problems between you. There is still plenty of time though. Also i have rarely seen a doula attendes birth end in c section for things such as failure to progress. So really it's a matter of weighing out the pros and cons based on your desires for your birth. It is your time, money and baby.

redfallon · June 2015

@enigmaanjel said:
...I was a birth attendant for years. I have many medical degrees ...

Just curious. Which ones?

nik6499 · June 2015

Doulas can be a fantastic resource for a laboring family. As with all choices I would be sure you look at education and experience and interview to find a person that is right for you. It's all about what you want in your experience and maybe some interviews would help your SO feel better about the discussion.

lalg28 · June 2015

Thanks for all your support and advice ladies, you rock!! I will take all of it to heart then think about it and talk to DH again.

If no doula, I do want to get birthing classes at least, that's a great idea!

reware · June 2015

I'm lucky, dh's three closest friends are all new dads and one of the first things he heard from each of them was to make sure to have a doula for our birth. One of the guys had a doula, the other two didn't but were quite open about regretting it. Too many staff changes and not enough communication between them and the husbands didn't feel heard by the right people or able to ask constant questions when they were focused on their wives.

Who knows if this is common but dh is adamant so we're meeting a couple of doulas this weekend

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Husband opposed to doula

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