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Shower & MIL business

AshK1027AshK1027 member
in August 2015 Moms
I could be extremely touchy about this, which is NOT how I normally I am, but I'm a little disappointed and offended with my MIL.

Saturday is my first shower, which will be hosted by my best friend and her mother. Invitations went out weeks ago so she knew about it. When my husband casually mentioned it, she just said "oh." He had to ask her if she'll be there, to which she said no. No prior engagement. No reason. She just doesn't want to go.

Flashback about two weeks ago, she tells my husband that she no longer plans on throwing a shower for us. Not that it's about presents, because I really don't care. I just hate the idea of not celebrating with his family. My family is completely involved and given the opportunity to celebrate at this shower.

This is her first grandchild and the one who will carry on our family's name (H is the last male on his side). She was really excited at the beginning but something has changed lately & its hurting my husband's feelings. Just kind of sucks!
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Re: Shower & MIL business

  • kedbachkedbach member
    I'm so sorry this is happening! Sometimes it can such a weird dynamic with in-laws! That's so crazy that she was super excited about baby at first and now seems disinterested! I would make it clear that it goes both ways. You're not excited about baby? Then forget spending time with it.
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  • CaliforniaDream87CaliforniaDream87 member
    edited June 2015
    Sometimes people are not as excited about your pregnancy as you are. I don't think it means "she doesn't care". It could be a completely different story and she shows her emotions differently. It does suck but you just have to shake it off and remember what's important. I hope this doesn't affect the relationship she could potentially have with her grandchild.
    :)
        DS born 8-16-2013
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  • Miz_LizMiz_Liz member
    I am sorry you are going through this. If I were you, I would tell her exactly what you just told us - that she is hurting her son's feelings. I would let her know that it is her choice to not come to the shower; however her sudden lack of interest is really hurting him. I had an issue with my MIL that started before DS was born and has been going on for almost 3 years now. We just recently made up after I finally put it ALL out there with her, including the fact that she hurt her son more than anyone ever has in the entire time I have known him. She really changed her tune after that and I am so glad that I put it all out there! Good luck.
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  • Seed0824Seed0824 member
    Has your husband asked her if something is wrong and if she says no, told her how you both feel.
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  • SashaDenn25SashaDenn25 member
    I like pp idea of asking her if anything is wrong to start the conversation. Maybe something has happened you are unaware of because she hasnt told you about it. Or she may not even be aware of her sudden mood change. I would just flat out ask and then let her know your alls feelings are hurt. Could just be a lack of communication or something more than needs to be brought out in the open.
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  • cosplaymomcosplaymom member
    Did she miss the invitation and now feels left out because no one followed up with her on a missing RSVP? Or maybe something else is going on in her life. Does she struggle with depression? I agree that addressing the issue now could be a good idea. If she is not feeling good about a shower, suggest a baby meet and greet a month after baby is born for his family to all see the baby.
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  • AshK1027AshK1027 member
    No history of depression or anything. Husband has been trying to call her but she won't answer any calls. For a woman who always has her phone or iPad near her, it's getting pretty awkward. His FIL, on the other hand, never answers his phone. He isn't about that tech life. Haha
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  • emmacake08emmacake08 member
    I agree with the advice above about once you finally do get a hold of her, being direct and seeing what's going on so things don't escalate if it really isn't anything big. If you want to include his side, then mention to her (like @cosplaymom mentioned) of doing a planned meet and greet of the baby for his side after LO is born. I went to one recently and loved it. It was so nice to meet baby without barging in on a new mom.
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  • ginger8484ginger8484 member
    edited June 2015
    This is all good information. I have question about mil issues. I spoken and sat my mil down about boundaries and how some things she says Are rude and insensitive , but she seems to not care and always forget. Yesterday she make me read a text between her friend and her and I tried my best not to cry and shrug it off. It seems she doesn't get how much she truly hurts me from what she says. Basically the text went something like this, mil says she is a grandma to be and how I wasn't suppsoe to have children and her son has super sperm and I'm high risk. I told her that I helped some too to make this baby. She says I know but it hurts my feelings. Mil makes me feel like I'm a defective person because she says this to everyone and other things that I won't mention . I had a miscarriage before this precious girl picked me and I expresses how I felt to mil but she doesn't get it and in return I can't sleep . My boyfriend says to stick up for yourself and sometimes it's hard because I get stuck and awe from what she says and don't know what to say . I can tell I will be having more issues and setting healthier boundaries with her. But is their anything else I can do or say for her to get it? I sent an email month ago and spoken to her but she doesn't get it still. Any experienced mamas ?
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  • AshK1027AshK1027 member
    I'm sorry, but your boyfriend, husband, whatever needs to be talking to his mom. It isn't ikay to make someone feel that way. If she continues, I would just break communication. That's how I work, though, and probably isn't a healthy response.
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  • mpmom1518mpmom1518 member
    edited June 2015
    I'm sorry about your MIL! I have similar issues with mine shutting down when I've done something (often without knowing what) which she took offense to. I second what the previous posters have said about needing to just be straight and ask what is wrong. Have your DH do it - especially since you said he is also feeling hurt by her behavior. We have more success when my DH sits his mom down then when it comes from me, but that's probably my own MIL issue.
    If she still doesn't want to host a shower for her side of the family is there an aunt or cousin you could ask to host one? Make it a potluck or at a park or something so they won't be put on the spot for the expense of hosting? I had a friend who came to me and said that no one had offered to host her a shower and I was more than happy to take the reins and host one for her when no one else would.
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  • emmacake08emmacake08 member
    @ginger8484 that does sound really hurtful. Some people just don't have a single ounce of empathy and don't even try to fake it. I've seen people discuss my IF like news events very dispassionately and it is really hard. It's not just as simple as dictating what happened, all the things that happened are/were so painful. Maybe that's just who she is for better or worse and you'll just have to keep and emotional distance. I know that doesn't help improve anything beyond if you just tell her how much she hurts you, but atleast you can try to protect yourself.
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  • Kath1083Kath1083 member
    I'm sorry you are going through this but I can relate. Three years ago when we got married she handed my mom a guest list to the shower without offering a cent. Fast forward to the baby coming she told me sil that she was gonna call my mom again. What ended up happening was that my sil called and asked what I wanted. In the end we has two different showers and they were both nice but I think a long the way dhs feelings were hurt as no one wanted to celebrate his baby. In the end I let him handle it with his mom. Every family is different but I find it better that when ever there is an issue we are the ones who bring it up to our parents or siblings. Good luck and have fun celebrating your LO this weekend.
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  • ginger8484ginger8484 member
    edited June 2015
    @emmacake08 : thank you for your response. I discussed it with her again, and I made my boundaries and concerns clearly. She is in denial and gets offended. You are right, emotionally, I need to separate my self , that way I won't be so upset. Hopefully she will have more sense to realize if she wants anything to do with her grand baby, at least have some
    Empathy. I know people talk and I do , but if I ask you more than several times not say anything , then don't. Because I don't like to be around people like that and definetly don't want my precious girl to pick up any bad behaviors. The baby shower is tomorrow and I'm excited yet nervous. Wish us luck mamas!
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  • CaliforniaDream87CaliforniaDream87 member
    ginger8484 said:

    This is all good information. I have question about mil issues. I spoken and sat my mil down about boundaries and how some things she says Are rude and insensitive , but she seems to not care and always forget. Yesterday she make me read a text between her friend and her and I tried my best not to cry and shrug it off. It seems she doesn't get how much she truly hurts me from what she says. Basically the text went something like this, mil says she is a grandma to be and how I wasn't suppsoe to have children and her son has super sperm and I'm high risk. I told her that I helped some too to make this baby. She says I know but it hurts my feelings. Mil makes me feel like I'm a defective person because she says this to everyone and other things that I won't mention . I had a miscarriage before this precious girl picked me and I expresses how I felt to mil but she doesn't get it and in return I can't sleep . My boyfriend says to stick up for yourself and sometimes it's hard because I get stuck and awe from what she says and don't know what to say . I can tell I will be having more issues and setting healthier boundaries with her. But is their anything else I can do or say for her to get it? I sent an email month ago and spoken to her but she doesn't get it still. Any experienced mamas ?

    I mean honestly, you've got to stop letting this woman get to you. After the boundaries have been set you need to distance yourself from her. She sounds toxic. Who cares if she doesn't give you credit for making the baby....clearly you are apart of creating her grand daughter :)

    She may never "get it" and it may be time to accept that.
        DS born 8-16-2013
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  • Miz_LizMiz_Liz member
    I think you also need to let your BF know that HE needs to step up and stand up for you. Easy for him to tell you to stick up for yourself, but it is HIS mother that is treating the mother of HIS child this way, so he really needs to step up and put her in her place.
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  • AshK1027AshK1027 member
    Thanks for the replies! My husband did try talking to her. After 4 days of her ignoring phone calls, he finally talked to her but she doesn't see the big deal. I guess it just isn't registering.
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