Dealing with lack of family & creating a support system

g0lightly8706 · June 2015

Okay so I was wondering if anyone else out there feels this way..

I lost my mom 8 years ago and my dad 2 years ago. After the initial excitement went away, I started thinking about them. Yesterday I had a full on melt down as I was with my in-laws and realizing these people are the only biological grandparents my child will ever know.. and if you knew my in-laws, you'd be scared too. They mean well, but they are completely the opposite of what my parents were. I have my stepmom but she's still very much grieving my dad so it's hard to look up to her as parent-figure when she's still trying to just make it thru each day.

Anyways, as you can guess I don't have many motherly-figures i can go to for help or concerns or ever just support as i navigate my way thru this pregnancy. Does anyone else have this issue? I feel like i'm the only one without that support system these days $:\$

strlitemiss · June 2015

I don't be I am sorry you're going through this.

MrsJG3 · June 2015

Aw girl you are not alone! We have no family out here except my MIL. We really parent her more than she ever did us. My FIL was super involved in DD1 life but he passed away when I was pregnant with our second. There was something so bittersweet about having this baby we never thought we would have but also losing the one grandparent that really wanted to be involved. We do have some family back in CA but they aren't really involved in our lives. My parents have become super dis functional in recent years. Sometimes I feel jealous of people that have a close knit family. We just focus on us as a family and try to work past the loneliness. Having to be our own support system has made our marriage stronger. I know it sucks but it will be okay. Creepy internet hugs to you!

g0lightly8706 · June 2015

strlitemiss said:

I don't be I am sorry you're going through this.

thank you, its something I've become used to over the years but recently it just doesn't feel.. right i guess? anyways, i appreciate it

g0lightly8706 · June 2015

MrsJG3 said:

Aw girl you are not alone! We have no family out here except my MIL. We really parent her more than she ever did us. My FIL was super involved in DD1 life but he passed away when I was pregnant with our second. There was something so bittersweet about having this baby we never thought we would have but also losing the one grandparent that really wanted to be involved. We do have some family back in CA but they aren't really involved in our lives. My parents have become super dis functional in recent years. Sometimes I feel jealous of people that have a close knit family. We just focus on us as a family and try to work past the loneliness. Having to be our own support system has made our marriage stronger. I know it sucks but it will be okay. Creepy internet to you!

Exactly! I mean, family is around but I am not close with them, especially since it felt like both my mom and dad were the glue of each side and everything fell apart after they passed. And I totally get the jealousy, its something you can never really say out loud but it kills me when i think about how much love and support my parents would have given this child. And you're right, we must focus on ourselves and keeping the loneliness at bay.

Thank you for understanding and giving me some insight as well!

DaisyTortilla · June 2015

I am not going through this situation, but I am sorry you do. Hope maybe here we can be here for any questions you may have.

g0lightly8706 · June 2015

dbautista88 said:

I am not going through this situation, but I am sorry you do. Hope maybe here we can be here for any questions you may have.

thank you so much

really appreciate it! and thats exactly why i joined this forum because i don't have many close friends with kids so i definitely will need some kind of support when the time comes!

sheashea407 · June 2015

I definitely know the feeling of having a lack of family. My family life was turbulent, to say the least, growing up. My dad died when I was little and my mother psychologically abused me. For my own sake, I had to cut ties with my mother. I have a wonderful aunt and uncle who live out of state, as well as some other extended family, but it's tough sometimes not having anyone nearby. Meanwhile, I have DH's family, who I love, (well except for DH's brother's wife--see Monday Bitchfest), but there are a lot of strong personalities in the family and sometimes I feel like I'm really out of place with them. It's my family, but it's not my family.

I've focused in on our little family, my MIL & FIL (who are awesome), and friendships. To allow DD to "know" my dad, I tell her stories about him. That's helped me and she likes to hear about him. I think I mourned not having my dad around a lot throughout my life--how things would have been different. In a way, it made it a bit easier when we had our DD, as well as now, since I've dealt with those feelings time and time again. It's definitely tougher having it be more fresh for you. I think you can mourn initially, but every time there's a life event of some kind, I think there's another form of grieving that takes place. Different events hit you in a slightly different way. My best friend lost her mom about 8 years ago soon and she's had a really tough time, especially because one of her almost 3 year old twins has had a very hard road with spina bifida. She longs for her mom's support and she can feel a bit jaded because her dad is off in his own world and her MIL isn't completely with it. I think those feelings of feeling a little cheated naturally creep up from time to time, but she's great at building a support system of friends and moms who are dealing with similar issues and she just pushes on through it.

I'm really sorry you don't have the best support system. I think these boards are great, but throughout the pregnancy, maybe reach out locally to get to know other new moms. The friend I mentioned really spoke highly of her Stroller Strides group!

MrsSmithA · June 2015

I know how you feel. I lost my mom 6 years ago and it makes me so sad that she wont be around. My dad doesn't live close by and he also has his own issues. My in-laws are about 2 hours away and I know they'll want to be as involved as possible but it's not like they are around the corner. They are also very very different from my family

I've do have good friends around so I hope that helps but I really feel like I'm missing out by not having my mom around.

cassey910 · June 2015

So sorry you are going through this. Creepy internet hugs to you.

kayjay44 · June 2015

I am so sorry. I've won a few crazy IL trophies, so trust me, you're not alone there (It's my MIL specifically - she's currently mad that we're choosing midwives this time and giving birth at a different hospital because we're insulting her by doing so - she also tried to give me DH's foreskin on a gold necklace chain - she's all kinds of special). And my parents haven't said congratulations since we told them - I haven't heard from them since.

This community was an amazing support to me last time - I've become very close friends with a girl I met on my previous BMB, have met numerous others in person and we're going on a trip together this fall. I'm a huge proponent of building your own community and support system.

g0lightly8706 · June 2015

Thank you all so much for your feedback and own personal stories! it makes me feel not so alone since it feels like everyone around me has super close families. I really appreciate it and am so glad i decided to join this forum!

bethechangekaren · June 2015

I'm lucky to have both my parents (my dad has had numerous near-death illnesses and beat them all, and my mom is coping with a TBI), but they and the rest of my family, in-laws included, live over 1,500 miles away. I'm already looking for local prenatal groups to join, everything from yoga to meetups.

Part of my loneliness right now comes from the fact I haven't told any of my friends I'm pregnant, so other than my husband there's no one local to turn to. I know it'll get better once the news is out, but right now I feel pretty isolated. Thank goodness for all of you fabulous ladies!

g0lightly8706 · June 2015

I think thats the other part of it.. not being able to tell anyone yet. We want to wait but I work freelance and have a lot of free time and it's hard to balance not wanting to tell right now with wanting to shout it from the rooftops LOL

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