Unfaithful Fiancé

kristanbarker · June 2015

Ladies,

I need some objective view points on a situation I am. I'm 22w1d today with a complete placenta previa. This has placed me on pelvic rest since May. My fiancé and I have not had sex since January, since I had a kidney infection after we conceived and then from there on out I had morning sikcness. We moved to a two bedroom apartment and his dad had moved in April because he got a job in the area. So sex is obviously not an option but because his dad is in next room, I am not comfortable with doing anything.

Two weeks ago I had told my fiancé we should put our July 2016 wedding on hold and get married in 2017, since I felt we could not financially be stable, having a new baby and having him unemployed since January (he started working again in May). Apparently he could not see where I was coming from and thought it was because I didn't love him. He decided to go on a dating website and add these women on snapchat. I had overseen a snap from one of these ladies and confronted him. He then proceeded to tell me a Web of lies. I was able to remember the girls snapchat name and message her myself since none of his stories add up. She told me he was on hot or not and that none of their conversations had been sexual. But she did send me screenshot of their convos and he was telling her how beauitful she was and asked for their snapchat name. From then on, convos were on snapchat.

Back story: 2 years ago I had come down with kidney stones and several infections. Doctors thought it was a lesion so they were running CT scans among other tests. I was sick all the time so we, again, were not having sex. He ended up going on some dating site and Skypeing with these girls but these were sexual. He even asked one of them to meet up. The conversation made it look like they never did, but I guess I couldn't be so sure now. I ended up forgiving him, obviously, and not taking part of any couples counseling.

I know this is lengthy, so anyone that has read the entire thing - I appreciate that. If you have any advice on what to do, I would love to hear. I want to give couples therapy a try. My mom does not support this decision and that kills me, but I want to work it out with him if I can, for our son. I do live him, so much, but I really don't know that I could trust him again. I am the main breadwinner in our family so I do not doubt that I could do this on my own, but my family lives 3 hours away. Am I fool? Do I just get rid of him? Anything would be nice. I feel so alone.

mdandrea1436 · June 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this

In my opinion, counseling is definitely worth a shot but if you don't think the trust can be regained then I don't see a point. This is just my opinion but I have a hard time trusting people and once they break the trust I can't forget it. My husband is a substance abuse counselor (I know it's different but he talks about counseling in general a lot) and helps so many people through counseling..So I would try couples counseling first and see how that goes. Just make sure you and baby are happy! Don't stay with him just for the baby if that in turn with make you miserable. That wouldn't be good for anyone involved. Good luck!

batmom05 · June 2015

I would challenge you to think about two things...

1. What does your gut say - it's rarely wrong

2. What would you do if you weren't pregnant and this happened?

Obviously none of us are in your situation. For me, personally, I have very clear lines on cheating as does my hubby. We consider an "emotional affair" just as agregious as a sexual affair. What are your boundaries and does this fall in to acceptable territory for you even though there was nothing physical (to your knowledge)?

Good luck, mama. I hope it all works out for you!

mrsdhouse89 · June 2015

To me, being a fiancé is the same as being married. You just have to sign a piece of paper at this point. If trust is going to be an issue then he should be willing to give up social media to earn your trust back, because it sounds like he hasn't physically cheated but telling another women they are beautiful would sting just as bad to me.

Trust is a major part of a marriage, without there is no point. So you'll both need to work at gaining that trust back.

Therapy isn't a bad idea. My husband and I did therapy to get married at our Catholic Church and it was SO HELPFULNESS for us. The therapist was able to get us talking and communicating better than we were. We were already good communicators, but therapy brought up things we hadn't even thought of.

Best of luck! I don't think you are crazy and I don't think it matters who the bread winner is in this day and age (just adding my thought on that).

gabrielafrnqyepez · June 2015

im sorry you are dealing with this issue, it sounds like you want to try and work things out, and counselling is one of the best things to do. but like pp have said go with your gut. giving ppl multiple chances in my opinion is just setting yourself up for getting hurt that many more times. i think your fiancee's intent is there even if he hasn't done anything with them. i think as a strong woman you sound you are you need to show him how much you value yourself so that he can value you just that much more. wish you tons of luck, i hope things clear up for yours and baby's sake!

naka92 · June 2015

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Being cheated on is incredibly unfair and heartbreaking. Personally, I'd leave the second I'd find you my husband was cheating, because I've forgiven someone in the past and the cheating just continued without getting caught for another year. I also agree with PP, being engaged should be the same as being married as far as your relationship and trust goes. Signing a piece of paper wont actually change the relationship dynamic at that point, or it shouldnt at any rate.

If you werent pregnant, would you stay now that you've caught him doing this twice? If the answer is no, I say leave. Your baby wont benefit from you being in a relationship thats solely based on him or her. Sometimes its better to have a good co-parenting relationship than it is to stay with the other person just for the child.

If you would stay if it werent for the baby, Id definitely not forgive easily if I were you. Make sure you know whats going on going forward, and be darn sure to not believe any more lies. Just going to counseling doesnt mean he'll stop lying about doing this sort of stuff, so stay alert.

nianicho777 · June 2015

I would say if you feel really strongly about giving counseling a shot, go for it! However, it seems that he has a pattern of engaging in these activities every time your unable to have sex with him, so my first though is what is he going to do in the 6 or 8 weeks after the baby is born when he still can't have intercourse with you?? Will he jump back in these sites while you both should be tending to the new baby? Its one thing to engage in certain things but it's another thing to lie about it. It might be more worth saving the relationship if he came clean when asked and wanted to make the effort as well. Good luck!!

cdepperschmidt · June 2015

batmom05 said:
I would challenge you to think about two things...

1. What does your gut say - it's rarely wrong

2. What would you do if you weren't pregnant and this happened?

Obviously none of us are in your situation. For me, personally, I have very clear lines on cheating as does my hubby. We consider an "emotional affair" just as agregious as a sexual affair. What are your boundaries and does this fall in to acceptable territory for you even though there was nothing physical (to your knowledge)?

Good luck, mama. I hope it all works out for you!

I'm sorry about you situation. I agree with this lady!

Also, baby or no baby you need to be strong for yourself and set a good example for your children.

tate62610 · June 2015

I'd recommend couples therapy and I just strongly advise you to not enter a marriage with this man until you can trust him again. I will never condone cheating but it does sound like he seeks outside comfort out of feeling unloved. A counselor can definitely help with that. No sex doesn't equal no love and maybe he just needs to understand that better and learn better communication.

Good luck with everything. I'm sorry this is happening but it does sound like something you can work through and at least determine if you two should be married.

twogirlsandagreen · June 2015

I'm so sorry. Do not marry him if you don't trust him, period. Counseling can't hurt. If you can't regain the trust, it's better to move on. What irks me the most is that he has a pattern of behavior that he turns on you when you are in more need of his love and support than ever. It's like he is kicking you when you are down instead of lifting you up and supporting you. Doesn't seem right or fair. Then on top of that lying to you instead of owning his "mistake" (that he keeps making again). Good luck mama.

J1D · June 2015

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't have much advice other than I really have never seen a forced "for the kids" relationship that works out. I think it's best to actually not think about the baby for a second and analyze your relationship and decided if you'd stay in it if there were no baby. He will always be your baby's father and you 2 being together or not doesn't change that. It may actually be better for your baby to have 2 loving parents who care for him separately than to be raised by 2 people who love him but don't trust and respect each other.

Again, I'm sorry to hear this and hope everything works out however it's best.

Side note- you not being able to have seclx doesn't give him the right to cheat. A good relationship is based on more than sex. He should still love and respect you equally even when you can't have sex. If he can't go a few months without "getting some" while you are physically unable to have sex because you are pregnant with his child, that doesn't speak highly of him as far as I'm concerned

DeeGreer · June 2015

I'm really sorry that this is happening. My ex husband was a habitual cheater. Cheating to me is feeling an emotional/sexual connection to someone else. He did much worse than what your husband has done to this point but it's definitely damaging regardless. Trust is very hard to get back especially in instances like these but try to think about why you're willing to work it out. If it's because you're pregnant...I honestly don't believe that's the reason to work it out. You have to do what's best for you and your little one. While it's natural to want to work it out...there's no benefit to being in a relationship that ultimately isn't good for you. It took a lot of thought and late nights crying myself to sleep to finally have the courage to walk away from my ex. Another thing that helps is to physically write out the pros and cons of the relationship. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.

brite12 · June 2015

Sorry about the crappy situation. I think someone said before, making a mistake once is bad enough Esp when it comes to your spouse fiancé , but mutilple chances? Your setting urself up to get hurt again. Try counseling and if there is no way back from it, then weigh ur options and see how much more are you willing to deal with.
Hope everything works out for you ,stay strong and positive for this baby and urself

MarchABC · June 2015

It breaks my heart to think of how conflicted you must feel right now and how painful this must be. You are not a fool. Love can be very blinding and people are all damaged and can hurt each other so badly.

His behavior sounds compulsive, almost addictive, and he needs help. I'm not saying that he's a victim of an addiction, just that he clearly needs to speak to someone.

The one part of your story I'm curious about is: is he begging you to stay with him and promising not to do it anymore? Does he want to try counseling? Does he recognize that his behavior is unacceptable?

If he wants to work it out, and you do too, that's the place to start. Trust may be hard to rebuild but these types of things can ultimately make you stronger if you can get to the other side. They can also show you that perhaps you are not good for each other and it's time to move on (which will also make you stronger).

ETA - do not blame yourself because you could not have sex. But I do wonder, have you been able to find intimacy with him in other ways? If not, why not?

ElleMF728 · June 2015

Your fiance's behavior is unacceptable. Dishonesty and cheating is never excusable for any reason, if he is unhappy in the relationship then he either needs to communicate his frustrations with you or be done with it.

PP's advice is great, counseling or couples therapy could be very beneficial. I do wonder if the situation with his father is temporary? Perhaps I misread but it didn't seem like the lack of intimacy was due to a medical reason but because you felt uncomfortable with his father in the house. This is a huge problem if he is planning to stay with you permanently. It is natural for all couples to go through a dry spell but 6 months is quite a long time especially considering that the potential for intimacy is even more difficult once LO gets here.

skatzman33 · June 2015

No one on here can give you the best advice. I know as I am going through something like it. Currently I am going through all this by myself. I was angry, sad every emotion u can think of. I even went to the doctors thinking I was messing my baby up. You have to make the decision that's best for you. I blocked his # from my phone I told him he wasn't allowed to see the baby but then I remembered this isn't about him or I its about the baby. I took back everything I said tried to clear it up and after all that I feel better knowing I am trying go do the right thing for the baby. Try talking things out of he doesn't seem to care try using will power & walk away let him come to you.

mkross123 · June 2015

I would consider therapy, but I would also reconsider the idea of staying together FOR your son. Your child will learn from your relationship. Obviously few people decide to have a child intending/hoping for he/she to grow up with a single parent situation, but "just staying together" isn't necessarily better. What will he learn about trust in relationships or communication from you two? What will he learn from your relationship about how men should treat women that he will carry into his own relationships?

I obviously don't know you or the answers to those questions, but they are things I'd ask myself in the same situation.

Rachel623 · June 2015

I would be gone in a heartbeat. You and your baby deserve so much better than how he is treating you. There may be a time when he is better and the two of you can work things out, but right now it seems like the best thing for you is to just leave. Take care of yourself and take care of your baby and know everything will work out the way it supposed to in the end.

It could go two ways. Maybe he'll realize his mistakes and do everything he can to show you that he deserves to be in your life. Or maybe he'll carry on with other women and you will have a more clear picture of where his head is at.

Either way, I wish you the best. This is a horrible situation and I hope things work out well for you and your baby.

kristanbarker · June 2015

Thank you ladies. All for your feedback is helping. I plan to go to the doctor tomorrow to hear Easton's heartbeat, just to make sure he is ok because of how upset I have been. At that time, I am going to try and tall to a nurse to see wlif there is anyone she'd recommend talking too. I don't forsee staying with him because if I was not pregnant, I would leave him. It is such a difficult decision to make but I know I need to do what is best for Easton.

rms924 · June 2015

@kristanbarker so happy to hear that you are making strides to take care of you and LO. I read your post and was so heartbroken for you, I actually shared your story with my husband. It was interesting to get a man's perspective. He basically couldn't believe that your fiancé hasn't gone a couple of months without sex, and it sounds like he's making an excuse to make you feel responsible for his behavior, which is crappy.

Anyway, I hoped this doesn't come off as harsh, because I mean it in the spirit of love and respect, but you have to love yourself first and foremost. If you love yourself, you wouldn't be able to stand for this. You deserve so much more and you sound very together. I can't imagine the strength this would take as a pregnant woman, but I was in a relationship prior to marriage with someone who cheated and it broke me for a long time. I am praying from the bottom of my heart that you find resolution that allows you to love yourself and move on with your life.

amberrmariee20 · June 2015

Clearly he has issues with himself, and maybe a slight addiction to sex. Maybe he just feels unwanted and such due to the circumstances. I would suggest therapy. But if a relationship is toxic it's not good for the children involved, it's better for your son to see you apart then unhappy and together. My sons father and I broke up when my son was 1... All he wanted to do was party and drink, go out all hours of the night and I said not happening. I left him, not long after he started seeing one of the girls who I thought was my friend, we all hung out together... So that always made me wonder if he was also cheating on me at that time. But I found this amazing man and we are having a son together and he's more of a father to my first son then his own father.

You'll make the best decision for your son, no matter how hard it is. No matter how it'll make you feel, just remember your son will always love you, and respect whatever decisions you make.

danniellemichelle · June 2015

I am so so sorry @kristanbarker ... I honestly have no advice to give but I will be praying for you and for peace in your heart .. I couldn't even imagine how heart breaking this must be for you

❤️

BbyCastillo · June 2015

Reading your post made me cry my eyes out. I'm so sorry you're going through this, my heart feels for you. I've been in this situation with 2 different guys, and it never got better in my experience. The mistrust was always there no matter how hard I tried it always showed its face. One of the guys was my sons dad. I never wanted to be with him for the rest of my life but once I found out he was cheating even after he found out I was expecting his baby I knew he wasn't right for me. He still does the same thing to his current gf (the one he cheated on me with) she's expecting their first child together and he hasn't changed. I really suggest you do what is right for YOU! Every ending to a cheating situation is different either you stay or you go. It's that your HEART wants, honestly...in my experience if your heart/soul aren't at peace your mind won't be either. Best of luck to you! XXO

Boonhilde · June 2015

A red flag for me was the backstory you gave of WHY he strays. You seem to be taking some responsibility in his cheating. There will be times in the future when sex is off the table, if he can't handle that then he needs to be alone forever because nobody can have sex all the time and nobody deserves to be treated this way!

It's better for your baby to have parents who aren't together than a father who doesn't love and isn't respectful to his (the baby's) mother.

I wouldn't marry him until there had been no incidents for two years, (or at least a year. A counselor would probably give you the best waiting period advice.) Counceling is a great idea. Wishing you all the best!

fletcherj1 · June 2015

You have to do what you feel is right. There has to be trust if there is not it will not work. It seems as he uses his insecurities or what he thinks as rejection as a reason to cheat. Therapy might be helpful.

carlymarie021 · June 2015

I'm shaking my head and the answer is pretty clear. You will face this issue again with him married or not. Like everyone is saying go with your gut. He has issues. Not you. He has no respect. And a marriage certificate won't stop him. I don't want to be negative but it is the truth. You have the upper hand on the financial situation. Don't feel bad about leaving him with the bills he made his decision already and I'm sure he's been doing this a long time. You Absolutely without question can do this on your own. Women do it everyday and it takes courage and mental strength especially at this delicate time in your life. Your family isn't that close but don't settle because of that. God will give u the strength. I'm sorry this is happening at such a beautiful time. It's u and your baby that matters love. Good luck !! Remember ... Slap me once shame on u slap me twice..... Shame on me. Women in my family have been telling me that for years and I finally understand.

Knottie20297501 · June 2015

This sucks! I'm a newlywed and we haven't been having as much sex as we'd like. It's important to have a partner who won't give up on you no matter what. I'm sure after being married awhile our sex life won't be as it was in the beginning but I trust that my husband won't start looking elsewhere. Obviously anything can happen but it's important to start off with that trust. I hate that you're going through this. I know that you want it to work, I would too. However, if you're trying and it's not working you need to make the best decision for you and your child. Baby needs a happy mama.

katanasai · June 2015

Been there through a similar situation and chose incorrectly, which screwed my life up really badly, so I'm not the best judge! Just know you aren't alone, and you've got at least one person thinking about you and hoping things work out alright for all three of you.

Louisl · June 2015

My parents divorced and so did many of my friends parents when I was young. The ones that stayed together for the kids just ended up scarring their kids because there was obviously something not right in the home and that manifested in many ways. Kids are very perceptive.

ameares721 · June 2015

I hate this for you. I posted a couple months ago when I had just found out my husband had been on tinder and had a six month affair. I confronted him several times along the way (found condoms which we never used, staying out drinking all night "with friends", wouldn't let me near his phone..) eventually I did what you did and got the other girls information and texted her. She had no idea he was married or expecting. She immediately wanted nothing to do with him. I asked him to go to confession, we went to counseling, and he gave me all the access to his phone/accounts, closed his personal bank account, etc. it sucked and it was hard and I still have bad days where I snap and bring it back up, but he was just happy to have been caught and not carry that burden alone anymore. I was so upset because I got pregnant in the middle of his affair and it continued until I was about 16 weeks along and found out. Things may have been different if I wasn't pregnant when I found out, but I can't know that for sure. You just have to weigh the options - are you more upset with him or without him? Which is harder? Can the trust be built back? Does he seem genuine about wanting to work on things and regret his behavior?

Boonhilde · June 2015

ameares721 said:
are you more upset with him or without him? Which is harder? Can the trust be built back? Does he seem genuine about wanting to work on things and regret his behavior?

Those first two questions strike me as strange. It's not easy to break up, even when there's a very good reason to do so, so whether or not it's "hard" shouldn't be taken into account. Most of the time the hard choice is the right choice....

That being said, the last two questions are marvelous. And I'm sorry about your own experience, Ameares721, and very glad to read that it's behind you.

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