What was the worst thing someone said to you after miscarriage? — The Bump
Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

What was the worst thing someone said to you after miscarriage?

jacobsone2jacobsone2
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My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks. We were so excited when we found out I was pregnant that we told everyone! When people found out I miscarried I would get so pissed inside by the things they said. One of the worst for me was, "Oh you're young, you can just try again." Like I was supposed to forget about it. Sometimes people just don't know the right thing to say, but that is definitely not it. What about you guys?
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Re: What was the worst thing someone said to you after miscarriage?

  • Well maybe it's just they don't know what to say if they haven't experienced it themselves. And it might come off a little heartless to you but I know there's people that mean well and want to cheer you up. I recently had a MC at 6 weeks and I only told close family I was pregnant so I haven't had to break the bad news to many people... For the most part they just tell me they are sorry and they don't know what to say :-/ but I am sorry for your loss and it's hard but hang in there ok? Hugs!
    jonesl12
  • "At least it happened now instead of later when you were really attached". They said it with both my pregnancy losses but it stung the worst the first time because I was over halfway through my preg and we had tried for 2 years before finally conceiving him. Don't get me wrong... still stung like an SOB this time and I still wanted to knock some peoples teeth down their throat. Just stung slightly more the first time because he was nearly 2.5 years in the making and I went through he!! to get him in the first place... I was "attached" to the idea of him for 2 years before he came into existence and attached to him from the second that second line popped up.  With her I was attached the moment the second line popped up but we got preg the first time we DTD after deciding to try and only shared 7+4 precious weeks with her. I consider all my kids miracles (DS#1 I honestly believed I couldn't have kids to the degree that I warned DH that he may never get to be a father if he stayed with me before things got serious between us, DS#2 After 2 years of secondary infertility and fertility drugs I thought DS#1 was going to be an only child... Then by some miracle I got pregnant on an unmedicated cycle, DS#3 SURVIVED so he is my miracle rainbow baby, and DD#1 was concieved literally the same day we decided to try which in my book, after battling secondary infertility, is a miracle) and for someone to look me dead in the eye and say in a round-about way that 2 of my miracles weren't worthy of attachment just because they weren't born screaming was like them spitting on their memory and it thoroughly P'd me off.

    (((hugs))) sorry for your loss!!
    Kristie
    Mom to 2 earth angels (2006,2010) and 2 angels in heaven (2009- 20w 5d; cause unknown, 2015- 7w4d; trisomy 22).
    imageimage

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  • I was told, "well these days you can get almost anything on the Internet. Maybe you can get your baby there." I was completely appalled and stunned speechless. Instead of getting angry I just told myself that she was probably trying to make me laugh (um, that was a fail), but made a horrible mistake. I think some people just don't know what to say and/or they say something that comes out wrong. When in doubt, a simple "I am so sorry" will suffice, people!
    [spoiler] TTC #1 since Jan '13. Me- 35. Healthy. DH- 43. Low morphology (4%).
    Sept 2014 to Jan 2015: 4 IUIs, all BFNs
    Mar 2015: BFP au naturale! MC at 10 weeks-monosomy X (Turners)
    9/24/15: IVF #1 ER: 16 total, 11 mature, 10 fertilized! 6 frozen 5 day blasts for testing.
    10/9/15: PGD/CCS= 2 normal blasts, frozen.
    1/5/16: FET #1 5-day AA, CCS tested blast. BFP! Beta 398, 1715, 3973. 
    1/24/16: Large bleed from SCH. HCG decreased. MC 5 days later.
    3/16-10/16: Wonky cycles, Integrin biopsy, Polypectomy, E2/lining priming.
    11/15/16: FET #2, final frozen embryo. BFN. 
    3/17-5/17: New clinic, IVF #2 w/ CCS. 5 normals frozen.
    5/24/17: FET #3. Beta #1 302, Beta #2 726. It's TWINS!! [/spoiler]
    twointow83AL_TwinCitiesizza2
  • "it's probably a good thing because you don't need any more kids." said to me by none other than my own mother. I have two little boys and they are my life, and we were all really excited to have a new baby. I think that was the worst thing a mother could ever say to her daughter, it hurt me deeply.
    Toughchick823AL_TwinCitiesizza2
  • valleric said:
    I'm tired of "at least you know you can get pregnant." After we tried for a year :(
    Yes @Valleric if I have a dollar for everyone who told me this we could buy a new car!  It is the most infuriating thing that anyone has said to me.  We also had been trying to just shy of a year, so sorry for your loss. 
    vallericdnwalker14yolandamunozpambtoro
  • jacobsone2jacobsone2
    100 Comments 100 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    edited June 2015
    Wow, these are pretty crazy.
  • I was having lunch with my pregnant friend and I told her I still look at the US pictures and she told me that when I get pregnant again I can throw the old pictures away.  Hello!! it is a different kid I'm not throwing my first child's photos away they are the only ones I have of him.  I just politely told her no we would be keeping them because that is my baby.  Ugh!

    BFP 2/11/15 (EDD 10/13/15). MMC 3/30/15 D&C 4/3/15 "We will always love you"
    BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16).  "We believe in you rainbow"   Abigail Magdalena DOB 4/2/16
    BFP 2/9/15 (EDD 10/19/18).  "Grow baby grow!" Team Green
    TLBestizza2amm0512TheBorg7of9
  • A co worker told me a few days after my mc that eventhough I was going through this awful experience, I should cherish life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and that I should be doing greeeaaat (said just like that). I was fuming at that comment.
    izza2
  • My own sister that has had a loss also said oh u have a boy and a girl anyways so are you going to get ur tubes tied ....that hurt so bad I have 2 children and was very happy about having another I lost my beautiful baby girl at 21 weeks ... I hope you all can have ur rainbow baby good luck ladys
    bntfroggieizza2fiorip
  • Oh man... All of these make me crazy! If I tell you I have had a miscarriage and you start your reply with, "at least..." you'd better not finish your sentence! 

    Unfortunately my DH doesn't really get it either. He was actually comparing this loss to other kinds of loss like you could rank it and that would make you feel better. Thought I was going to punch him! Glad I have some close friends who have experienced this that I can talk to about it.
  • A friend told me she had a late period before so she probably had a miscarriage too- same thing. I wanted to slap her. Like a late period is the same as a d&c at 12 weeks. Grrrr
    izza2
  • I just had a d&c today and I'm at home recovering . Fetus stopped developing a week ago at 6 weeks and I woke up to a blood massacre. I only told our parents and 2 close friends I was pregnant with our first. My one friend told me today through text " at least it happened now not later" . I suppose she's right but it's still a loss and I just had the extreme bleeding today and d&c today so I thought that was a bit uncalled for. I just said " yep could have been worse I guess" as I'm cramping from the pitocin in bed .....
  • Chychy182 said:

    My own sister that has had a loss also said oh u have a boy and a girl anyways so are you going to get ur tubes tied ....that hurt so bad I have 2 children and was very happy about having another I lost my beautiful baby girl at 21 weeks ... I hope you all can have ur rainbow baby good luck ladys

    Omg at 21 weeks! I'm so so sorry that happened to you. I work in a ob/gyn office and it's rare we see that after 10 weeks. Do you mind me asking what happened to your baby girl?

    This is my first miscarriage and I've seen it happen to many many girls in the office but now that it's me i actually get it now
  • CaissieBabyCaissieBaby
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    member
    edited June 2015

    One of the worst for me was, "Oh you're young, you can just try again."

    My boss said this to me, though I do think she was honestly trying to be comforting.

    The worst I ever heard is the woman who said to my mother after she gave birth to my stillborn baby brother, full term "it's not like you really knew him, could have been worse".

    Edited:autocorrect likes to make me look stupid.
    Pregnancy Ticker

                                                         23 DH is 25
                                             Married August 9th, 2014
                                                        First Baby!
  • WHAT!?! Someone said that to your mom? What could possibly be worse than losing your baby. She's lucky your mom didn't punch her.

    I have a new one today. I just told a good friend what I was going through. The very first time I miscarried she didn't say anything. Nothing. I asked her later why and she said she didn't know what to say. So this time she said she was sorry and then said, "I wish I could give you my mexican genes :) yes with a smiley face at the end. Um...I'm not miscarrying because I'm white...
    But I know she wasnt saying it to be mean. She was trying to make me laugh. But right now this is too fresh...
  • So, I was at Disney today and saw a lady who had to have been 8 months prego and she rides this ride I was on that she totally should not have been on!! THat pissed me off! Seriously wtf?!?!
  • I just had my third miscarriage, and my coworker is not married yet. She is pretty bitter about being single. She said well at least you have a husband. You are half way there at least. 
    Um just because my husband and I are happy together doesn't make the three miscarriages easier. 

    Pretty much people are just stupid, and clueless...sad day. 
    vallericjonesl12izza2fivetimesnoluck
  • This is DH and i's second miscarriage this year. The first was a blighted ovum and this one is unknown (having a D&C so baby can be sent for test). My most frustrating comment is people telling me it's "ok" or "things happen for a reason" or "this must just not be the time your meant to have a baby". If we didn't want a baby we wouldn't be actively trying. Each and every pregnancy was wanted and thought out. I know people are saying it to be kind but they are just making it worse.
    pambtoro
  • The worst came from my dad's side of the family, who on Facebook kept telling me "Don't worry, Meemaw's (grandma) is taking care of Quinn (my baby) in heaven!" Which a) was in total disregard of my spiritual beliefs, and they knew that, and b) I don't want my meemaw to be looking after him in heaven, I want to be looking after him here on earth! I know that what they said isn't *that* bad, but they just kept saying that over and over to me.

    Or when I had to call my boss from the perinatologist's office to tell her I couldn't come into work right after my US that confirmed my MMC, she went on to tell me a story about a friend of her's who had a MC, and then went on to have two healthy babies. I get it, she was trying to be uplifting, but other babies can't replace the baby I just lost. Or recently in a meeting she was complaining about how bad her morning sickness was when she was pregnant--I had really bad "morning" sickness, but I would go back and do it again, even 100 times worse than it was, if it meant I'd be holding my baby at the end of next month like I was supposed to. 
    SarahNChipsBaby1
  • MamaBishMamaBish
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    edited June 2015
    Ugh. I hate hearing the "everything happens for a reason." DH has started replying with, "yeah, the reason is a dumb girl can't drive and hit my wife's car, that's the reason she had to give birth to a sleeping baby!" It usually shuts them up because they are forced to think about what happened.

    Also hate when people say things about when the time is right... Yada yada. The time was already right! This was not supposed to happen.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     Rainbow baby Savannah born 5.13.16 at 30 weeks    
     ♥ 
    Baby Cadence born still 3.24.15 at 28 weeks 

            
    izza2
  • "At least it happened earlier than later", "At least you know you don't have a problem getting pregnant", "Everything happens for a reason" etc... I guess anything vaguely on these lines, although it comes from a good place, does hurt when you're going through a mc, especially the first few weeks. It even irritates me that nosy people want to know why it happened! I wish there was a reason but there isn't one - it just happened! I will definitely be more empathetic towards people who have suffered a loss of some kind in the future.
    RD2015pambtoro
  • I'm sorry for everyone who has had a loss :( My husband and I are ttc again after 3 MC over the past two years. I only recently told a few people about what had happened over the last two years and the more annoying lines I got were " God has a plan" and " you just need to relax more". Whaaaat?! What about all the crack whores and criminals who have beautiful babies? Was God's plan to place those babies in horrible situations? Oh well ...
    misshopeful1myjessesgirlKnottie1454009515schmoopie1-2
  • The worst for me was when a friend who was pregnant at the time said "oh I have really bad symptoms now I'm pregnant, not that you'd know" that broke my heart. Stay strong!
    mouse1029
  • Oh boy, I think at least one person said each and everyone of the PP's comments.
    One more: "trust biology". I am a scientist....yes I know. But it doesn't make me feel any better. 
    ******TW******Siggy warning
    BFP1 04/24/2015 EDD Dec 2015 MMC 10W5d;
    BFP 2 09/25/2015 EDD June 2016 MMC 9wks; 
    BFP 3 03/22/2016 EDD Dec 6th 2016 

       Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    Meg0810
  • The women doing my ultrasound to confirm that I had completed my miscarriage (in February) kept reiterating how horrible it must be for me to be so far from home and then she told me "the bright side is that you know you can get pregnant" and "it happened for a reason". For someone who deals with this on a regular basis she was completly clueless. I could not wait to get out of there. Talk about tactless. Sorry for the rant, but it really bothered me and I hope to God I do not have to see her for this MC.
    yolandamunoz
  • It was hardly malicious or anything, just more a total lack of thought regarding the situation...

    The nurse from the PCM's office called to discuss my lab results because I'm still severely anemic. She reviewed all the usuals, that I need 325 whatever measurement OTC 3x a day, red meat, dark green leafy vegetables, and IF I could stomach it... liver.

    Liver, people. Dark red, smooth, slimy liver. Considering I passed what looked like a half gallon's worth of clots on Monday, the LAST thing I want to think about stomaching is freaking liver. When I pointed it out, she and I were both able to chuckle a little at the absurdity of the suggestion.

    I hope she won't make that suggestion in the future.
  • My husband and I suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks and someone told me, "it's okay-- at least you won't have a handicap baby" and "you're still young, you can just try again."

    People DO NOT think. 
    izza2
  • Few people know about our losses but some of the comments have been: 'Nature is wise' because had mmc due to possible chromosomal issues, UGH...also the typical one that I HATE: Things happen for a reason, really?? My 2 babies died for what reason really? Also they start mentioning other people who also had losses, Glad it was early (for the first one)...just say: I am sorry, geez...

    Me: 38 DH: 42.
    Married: 9/2008.
    4/2010 - BFP (Natural)
    12/2010 - DS born.
    8/2014-TTC#2 
    10/2014 BFP
    10/2014 Confirmed MC at 5 weeks
    5/2015 BFP
    8/2015 MMC & D&C at 13 weeks  :'(
    11/2015 BFP then CP at 6 weeks.
    3/2016 Started IVF+PGS
    4/2016 ER, only 5 eggs but 3 Frozen embryos made it to freeze. Only 1 PGS normal embryo.
    DOR
    Hypothyroidism
    MTHFR
    DH Sperm with Chromosomal Issues (high % FISH)
    AMH .65
    8/2016 FET #1 BFN
    9/2016 IVF-ER #2  1 normal embryo.
    11/2016 IVF-ER #3  0 Embryos
    2/2017 FET #2 BFP CP at 6 weeks.
    5/2017  BFP Natural. 3 Betas were ok. First US 5-31-2017. Hope it sticks and is healthy!!


  • "these things happen all of the time...just keep trying until one sticks" like I should completely accept and dismiss each miscarriage as "oh well...better luck next month!" 
    Dec 2014 - CP
    Feb 2015 - No hb 8wks
    July 2015 - CP
    Aug 2015 - CP
    RPL Tests: PAI-1 4g/4g, Heterozygous MTHFR C677T, Vit D Deficiency, Chromosome 9 inversion
    January 1, 2016 - CP. Heartbroken and feeling helpless. :(
    July 2017 - Finally!! FINALLY!! Our GORGEOUS baby girl was born on 7-15-17. Miracles do happen!! 


  • What has hurt me most are the things people (like close friends, family) didn't say to me. There are multiple people who I thought would say something supportive/approach me once they found out, and they just didn't say anything at all.
    vintageviceJonesBaby0624
  • After my first miscarriage I had a follow up with my doctor to make sure I was healing from the emergency d&c. As my doctor was finishing up and heading out the door she smiled really big and said, "congratulations!" Then had a look of pure horror on her face. I think she went into autopilot and realized too late that my appointment wasn't a happy one...
    izza2
  • ^^ Similar thing happened to me. When I went in for my second ultrasound to confirm that my gestational sac was still empty, I saw a different doctor (same practice). She thought it was just a regular prenatal appointment and said, "So you're around 8 weeks along?!" Guess she didn't read my chart too thoroughly beforehand.
  • My roommate at the time, no shit, said "oh gosh, I was so worried I'd have to move out. I cannot handle living with a baby." Like she was relieved I lost my child.

    7 years later, I still don't talk to her.
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