Sad sometimes

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

I feel really sad sometimes. I don't think it's reach PP depression yet or anything. Just sadness. And it isn't every day or even most days. Most days, I'm happy and content being home with my LO. But there are some days (like today) that I feel sad. I miss having adults to talk to. I miss my job (I have a great job and work with great women). My husband and I have had a few issues since the baby has been born. My MIL is driving me crazy wanting to come over every weekend and then making me feel like I don't know how to take care of my baby. I miss being able to get ready, do my hair and makeup and all that. Most days, I don't have anywhere to go except maybe the market or just for a walk with the baby, so I neither need to nor have the opportunity to do those things. And most of all, I miss being pregnant. I know that sounds strange. But I had a super easy pregnancy with no morning sickness, no heartburn, no mood swings or bed rest or anything. My feet got a bit swollen and I got constipated. That was the worst part of being pregnant. I worked up until I went into labor (I'm off weekends and I went into labor on a Sunday). I say all that so you all know how easy it was to be pregnant, despite my growing body and tiredness...it was just me and my little guy. No one else. I didn't have to share him with anyone yet. He was all mine. Now, I have my MIL wanting to be over all the time, or wanting us to come over to their house. Wanting us to go out to eat and not understanding why I dont want to keep my 2 month old baby out all day. And I have my mom wanting to come visit but having to work so I feel guilty that MIL can come whenever she wants because she has that freedom (my mom is a therapist and has an obligation to clients). Cousins calling on video chat and everyone wanting to see him, touch him, hold him...as much as I miss being able to shower more than 3 minutes, I miss him being just mine even more some days. Does that sound crazy? Anyone else ever feel like this? I hope so because I feel guilty for feeling selfish and wanting my baby all to myself sometimes. I know how important family is, but it's important to me that he knows first and foremost how much I love him. I wasn't sure he'd be healthy. I wasn't sure he was going to be okay because I'd had a miscarriage just a month before getting pregnant again, and I didn't even know I was preg for the first 3 months. So i was still around people that smoked, and I still had a couple of glasses of wine or beers on weekends. I don't know how else to explain it other than saying I miss being the only one that held him. I feel selfish and terrible about it. Sorry this is so so long, I just had a lot to say.

Nnuut · May 2015

It's not crazy at all! I was just telling my husband the other day how I can get almost jealous when other people are enjoying the baby. I'm putting in all the hard work and feel very possessive of him. I know I should be happy he has family around that loves him, and rationally I am, but I still get a small pang of bitterness when others are relishing in his adorableness. Sounds like you love him and care for him and that's all that matters.

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

Nnuut said:
It's not crazy at all! I was just telling my husband the other day how I can get almost jealous when other people are enjoying the baby. I'm putting in all the hard work and feel very possessive of him. I know I should be happy he has family around that loves him, and rationally I am, but I still get a small pang of bitterness when others are relishing in his adorableness. Sounds like you love him and care for him and that's all that matters.

Omg you're so right on the nose. It's exactly like that. I'm happy that everyone loves him, I truly am, but part of me still gets a bit jealous when other people are holding him and admiring his alertness and his little coos. I get this strange possessiveness whenever someone tries to hold him or holds him too long. It's so weird. But I'm glad I'm not the only one!

secretbaba · May 2015

I think it's pretty normal. I'm better now, but in the first 2-3 weeks my MIL invited everyone over (we stayed with them for 10 days, they live a long drive away) and gave us basically an itinerary. I broke down because she's MY baby and my husband is her father and my husband first and foremost, and it felt like everyone wanted them both to be shared around. New family's are a new dynamic and take getting used to. Also are your issues with hubby still MIL related?

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

secretbaba said:
I think it's pretty normal. I'm better now, but in the first 2-3 weeks my MIL invited everyone over (we stayed with them for 10 days, they live a long drive away) and gave us basically an itinerary. I broke down because she's MY baby and my husband is her father and my husband first and foremost, and it felt like everyone wanted them both to be shared around. New family's are a new dynamic and take getting used to. Also are your issues with hubby still MIL related?

Thanks for sharing. New families and dynamics are hard. I'm not used to having someone force themselves on me. My mom has always given me ample space to be myself.
No, problems with my husband are not MIL related.

erikaluna01 · May 2015

I can't relate with you much on being jealous about the baby but I can definitely relate about being sad all the time. I think motherhood is really lonely sometimes especially when you don't have family around or the family you have has issues. I'm a really social person and it's hard to be cooped up all of the time with two kids. I'm sure seeing a therapist would help but it's hard getting out of the house to take the kids to a babysitter. DH works a lot.

I know this doesn't help much right now but just think of it as a temporary phase. Ironically, when you're back at work or when your baby grows up, you're going to miss this stage. Try to think of it as a positive thing that people like your son. I always say, anyone who loves my children has my respect and appreciation.

adelems · May 2015

erikaluna01 said:
I can't relate with you much on being jealous about the baby but I can definitely relate about being sad all the time. I think motherhood is really lonely sometimes especially when you don't have family around or the family you have has issues. I'm a really social person and it's hard to be cooped up all of the time with two kids. I'm sure seeing a therapist would help but it's hard getting out of the house to take the kids to a babysitter. DH works a lot.

I know this doesn't help much right now but just think of it as a temporary phase. Ironically, when you're back at work or when your baby grows up, you're going to miss this stage. Try to think of it as a positive thing that people like your son. I always say, anyone who loves my children has my respect and appreciation.

I second the above ^^ it's hard to adjust to motherhood , the first kid is the hardest adjustment by far. It can be lonely. But it is only just a phase. These couple months/years go by really fast in the big scheme of things. It seems like just yesterday my oldest (4) was a newborn. It went by so fast. But I was miserable when she was a baby. Very sad and lonely, my husband and I were having marriage troubles ect. We did seek professional help and it was the best decision all around. Things got so much better as she got older. By the time she was a year I had a lot of my freedom back. She was taking regular naps and sleeping through the night.

Maybe you should try and find something to do while your baby is keeping you home. Find a hobby that you really enjoy that isn't time critical and set goals, or work on projects! I was never a Hobby type person until my first was born. I scrap booked her whole first year. I'll probably never again be able to put that much time into something now with two kids haha. But I look back at it and feel really proud of it! If you told me six years ago that I would scrap book I would have laughed at you. But I really did enjoy doing something with my hands that I could visibly see the final product... and I know one day my daughter will get to look at her baby book and see how much effort I put into it.

Anyway.... Just know you're not alone. This is just a brief time in life, it'll be gone before you know it.

aamari15 · May 2015

I know exactly how you feel, started for me the day I had my baby girl in March. Our baby is the first grand baby for my family and my husbands so it was long awaited to see the baby. I would get really jealous and overprotective of my In-laws asking to hold her I just wanted it to be us three . I thought I was the only one feeling this way being a first time mommy I thought maybe I was just being possessive of my baby because everyone kept telling me it would go by really fast so I wanted every single moment to be with me. It was really hard to push myself to let family hold our baby girl but I forced myself because they deserved to enjoy her too. It was getting so bad that I would lash out on my husband and get very emotional about everything . Tough journey but I'm doing better still have the jealousy bug sneak up on me every once in a while but I try to take deep breaths and remind myself of the happiness she gives me and I want our family to experience that too besides that I always tell myself that no matter if family holds her in the end she is always brought back to me and her daddy and we have our bond again

noodlienoodles · May 2015

@SharLovesAlex I'm sorry you're feeling this way! I think it's pretty normal though. I still have a week of maternity leave left, which will put me at work when LO is 10 weeks as well. I feel sad that my house is a wreck and most days I don't shower or get to eat a real meal until DH comes home. I figure that this stage is only temporary though. At least once a week I make time to get out of the house with LO. We have alone time in the park and just enjoy being outside together (at least I am!;) I know that this alone time helps me be more willing to share my baby with others. My parents are divorced and they each visit with us at least once a week. I feel overwhelmed with that sometimes... Especially when it's my mom because she annoys the heck out of me. I don't know if the once a week thing is going to continue once I go back to work. I probably won't want to do anything after work and I don't think I'll want to spend my weekends filled with family just coming to visit my baby.

That was a lot - sorry!

It's seems as though you're totally normal

Everyone has their hard times with motherhood. I guess I would suggest trying to find the time to get yourself ready like you used to even if it takes all day because you're doing it during nap times (even like 1 a week). Lol! Also, try to do something that allows you to just be with baby, but is not just sitting at home. Best of luck!

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

Thanks everyone. I think a lot of this has come from my MIL being possessive with my baby and always wanting to visit/call/video chat. When she's here, she will sometimes take him right out of my arms. She's also reluctant to give him back when I ask, either to feed him, change him, or just soothe him because he's crying. I have to ask 2-3 times before she gives him back to me. Sometimes when I'm feeding him, she'll go under the nursing cover to see him and touch him. I know I see him all day every day and she only once or twice a week. But she's so overbearing and possessive of him when she's around (she will walk off with him when we're out at the mall or market and not even tell me where they're going, barely let's grandpa hold or play with him, always has to "help" me feed or change him rather than let me do it on my own, snatches him from great-grandma's arms so she can hold him again), I find myself fighting back with a mama-bear-like possessiveness. When he cries with her, she blames me and says "I don't take him around other people enough, he only wants his mom!" I didn't think I'd feel this way because I don't feel quite as possessive with my family. I admit even when my mom, bro, or sis hold him, I miss holding him and I fight the urge to take him back because I want them to enjoy him and he get to know them too. But with MIL, she is so disrespectful and disregards my feelings, she's always questioning what I do with him or tells me what I should be doing. Calls him "her baby" and says she's "like his mom too". I try not to get too upset, but it bothers me a lot because it kind of seems like she is diminishing my role as his mom. She thinks he should want to go to her more than me. I try to explain it's not that he doesn't see her enough, but he doesn't know she's his grandma. He thinks she's just some lady he sees once in a while. He KNOWS that I'M his mom, though, and that if he needs comfort, he knows he can get it from me. Any suggestions? I hate feeling this way because I honestly want Alex to have family around that loves him, I didn't have 2 grandma's and grandpa's because 2 of them passed away when I was very young. Thanks everyone for sharing and letting me know I'm not totally losing it. @noodlienoodles @aamari15 @adelems @erikaluna01 @secretbaba @Nnuut

adelems · May 2015

Your baby NEEDS you right now. He doesn't need anyone else. He will love his family wether they hold him every day or only see him once a month. My older daughter despised being held by her great grandmother when she was a baby. Would scream and scream. At 4 years old now she absolutely adores her great grandmother and asks for her all the time.

So all that being said, if you feel that she's being overbearing and she's distressing you so much then tell her and make your opinion (and essentially your demands) known. You only have your baby as a baby one time. And while of course you should let family spend time with him , and preferably a lot of time, they don't have to be in your face constantly and telling you what to do and how to do it.

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

adelems said:
Your baby NEEDS you right now. He doesn't need anyone else. He will love his family wether they hold him every day or only see him once a month. My older daughter despised being held by her great grandmother when she was a baby. Would scream and scream. At 4 years old now she absolutely adores her great grandmother and asks for her all the time.

So all that being said, if you feel that she's being overbearing and she's distressing you so much then tell her and make your opinion (and essentially your demands) known. You only have your baby as a baby one time. And while of course you should let family spend time with him , and preferably a lot of time, they don't have to be in your face constantly and telling you what to do and how to do it.

THANK YOU. You're so right. He's only a baby once, and we only want one child, so this is the only little baby I'll have! I'm going to start limiting visits. They don't need to be here every weekend. I'd like some time for us as a family on weekends since husband works during the week. My mom understands and gives us plenty of space. MIL wants to be over and wants us coming over all the time. I'm going to start putting my foot down about visits and the unwanted advice/judgment. There will be plenty of time when he's older to want to be held by grandma or grandpa. It doesn't need to be now when he's only 11 weeks old.

noodlienoodles · May 2015

I don't understand why your MIL is so disrespectful to you! I'm genuinely angry and upset for you. If I were in your situation, I would want to just go off on her, but the better solution is to just start saying "no" more often.

MIL: "give me the baby"
Shar: "no"

MIL: looks under nursing cover
Shar: "ummm, privacy please! That's why I'm wearing this cover in the first place!"

MIL: walks off with baby
Shar: "don't do that. It's makes me feel like I can't trust you."

MIL: being MIL in general
Shar: "I'll let you know when I need help, but thank you."

MIL: "this is my baby"
Shar: "awe! He is so lucky to have a grandmother like you! One mommy is enough though! Haha!"

I think this woman needs some correcting!

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

noodlienoodles said:
I don't understand why your MIL is so disrespectful to you! I'm genuinely angry and upset for you. If I were in your situation, I would want to just go off on her, but the better solution is to just start saying "no" more often.

MIL: "give me the baby"
Shar: "no"

MIL: looks under nursing cover
Shar: "ummm, privacy please! That's why I'm wearing this cover in the first place!"

MIL: walks off with baby
Shar: "don't do that. It's makes me feel like I can't trust you."

MIL: being MIL in general
Shar: "I'll let you know when I need help, but thank you."

MIL: "this is my baby"
Shar: "awe! He is so lucky to have a grandmother like you! One mommy is enough though! Haha!"

I think this woman needs some correcting!

I would have laughed out loud at "MIL being MIL in general" but the baby is sleeping next to me but yes! 100% on board with all you just said. I want to go off on her so bad sometimes. But I don't want that strained relationship, so yes. I think I'm starting to realize that just because she's his grandma doesn't mean she always has to hold him every time she visits. I can say no! Last time they came I purposefully started nursing right when they pulled up so she couldn't take him from me...which is when she looked under the nursing cover! Thank you so much for your anger on my behalf. Seems silly to say, but means so much. @noodlienoodles

noodlienoodles · May 2015

I know it's easier said than done! I hope you can get your MIL to settle down though. I've noticed that it really bothers you and I think it's so unfair that she is putting such a damper on what should be such a fun and exciting time for you. The added stress is so unnecessary.

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

@noodlienoodles Oh definitely easier said than done. She never asks "What's a good time to come over?" She just says they'll be over. I've told my husband a few times to tell her a time that we set so we have time to get up, clean the apartment (which is, let's face it, usually in shambles because we don't have time or are too tired to pick up) get the baby ready, get OURSELVES ready (an ordeal because baby can't stand me being out of his sight for too long)...it's nice if we can set the time. I think he's so used to her telling him what to do, he just goes along with it. This butting-in attitude of hers has been going on since before the baby was born, just now that she's trying to mother my baby, I'm ready to snap. When we moved into our two bedroom place, I was really excited to go out and get new things. Sounds silly, but bath mats, utensils for the kitchen, drawer liners, dishes, etc. were on my list of things to get. Well, she and husband's dad came over one day and she had a bag full of things...she bought EVERYTHING for our kitchen. Dishes. Silverware. Microwave. Toaster oven. Pots & pans. Even the drawer liners (which I don't even like). I was so pregnant and tired from unpacking, I didn't fight it. It's like she can't let her kids be adults and have their own lives. Now that we're together, I guess she assumes I'll let her treat me the same way. She can't be happy letting us do things on our own. Right before we moved here, we were looking for a 2 bedroom place and our lease was up Feb. 1st. It's so hard to find a decent place that isn't super expensive here in Los Angeles. We were going to go look at places, his parents insisted on coming with us. One place, they drove by and didn't even stop because she didn't like the way it looked outside! Then, she had a few places of her own she wanted us to see. Every place we liked she didn't or found something wrong with. Til we found this place on our own without their help, which is perfect for us. Since she didn't help us find it, she had to go buy everything for it. See the pattern? She loves controlling situations. I'm not used to it because my mother is very respectful of my space and me as an adult. It's so very snnoying, her constant phone calls and if my husband is at work and doesn't answer her, she calls me. She gets so angry when he doesn't answer his phone when she calls, and once when she was over, he called me a few times just to say hi and check on me (baby was a week old). She actually asked why he can call me throughout the day but not answer her when she calls. Ugh! I'm sorry to go on and on but it feels good to be able to vent to someone that doesn't know her so it won't cause any issues when we're all together. Sorry for the continued long posts!

noodlienoodles · May 2015

No need to apologize. Let it all out!

secretbaba · May 2015

@SharLovesAlex my MIL is definitely consciously working hard to NOT act like that, like yours it's in her nature and it's from the way she herself brought up her children. Keep ranting, it makes me laugh because it's so similar to me! We're just lucky we live far away, otherwise that would most definitely be the situation.

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

secretbaba said:
@SharLovesAlex my MIL is definitely consciously working hard to NOT act like that, like yours it's in her nature and it's from the way she herself brought up her children. Keep ranting, it makes me laugh because it's so similar to me! We're just lucky we live far away, otherwise that would most definitely be the situation.

It's so frustrating. She lives an hour away, so it's not that far, but not close enough to pop over every day like some MIL. Thank goodness!

KD32412 · May 2015

Does your husband know how you feel? With our first, my husband's parents were ECSTATIC. She was their first grandchild and they had been waiting for a long time. However, my DH made sure that I was ok with visits and always checked how I was feeling. If your MIL is causing you any kind of stress or irritation, have your husband step up and take control. My MIL is awesome, but I know if I have any issues I can voice them to my DH and he will take care of things. I understand how you feel when you talk about being possessive. I felt the same way with #1. It may have been worse cause she was in the NICU for a month, so I always wanted to hold her. It gets better, although I'm still crazy about letting her go with others. Still make them call me and send picture updates.

SharLovesAlex · June 2015

@KD32412 Yes, he knows. He has his own issues with his mom trying to control him and she's very overbearing...sometimes does not take 'no' for an answer. He has tried talking to her, but still she insists. She and FIL came over last Saturday and Alex was very fussy, refused to let anyone but me hold him. She became very concerned and insisted he didn't feel well, saying he felt warm to her. I told her he felt fine, that he always feels warm, and was just fussy today. She kept saying he was warm and usually not so fussy (like she knows) and insisted that my husband take his temperature, despite me saying over and over that he wasn't sick, he was fine. Of course, he had no fever. He just didn't want any visitors that day! I got into a bit of an argument with my husband because I agree, he should be the one to tell her to back off. Instead, he lets her do whatever she wants, which is what I told him and we got into an argument about it. We made up later and he apologized for getting upset but said it's hard to hear that his mom is always upsetting me. I made some suggestions and he said he will start putting his foot down with her because we do not want her to be the cause of any arguments. It's just so frustrating to have the type of MIL that isn't just happy being grandma, but wants to be mama, too.

KD32412 · June 2015

SharLovesAlex said:
@KD32412 Yes, he knows. He has his own issues with his mom trying to control him and she's very overbearing...sometimes does not take 'no' for an answer. He has tried talking to her, but still she insists. She and FIL came over last Saturday and Alex was very fussy, refused to let anyone but me hold him. She became very concerned and insisted he didn't feel well, saying he felt warm to her. I told her he felt fine, that he always feels warm, and was just fussy today. She kept saying he was warm and usually not so fussy (like she knows) and insisted that my husband take his temperature, despite me saying over and over that he wasn't sick, he was fine. Of course, he had no fever. He just didn't want any visitors that day! I got into a bit of an argument with my husband because I agree, he should be the one to tell her to back off. Instead, he lets her do whatever she wants, which is what I told him and we got into an argument about it. We made up later and he apologized for getting upset but said it's hard to hear that his mom is always upsetting me. I made some suggestions and he said he will start putting his foot down with her because we do not want her to be the cause of any arguments. It's just so frustrating to have the type of MIL that isn't just happy being grandma, but wants to be mama, too.

Well, that's something he definitely needs to work on. This is a problem that may cause major issues throughout your lives together. My husband and I have an agreement, he deals with his side of the family, and I deal with mine... and we both keep OUR (him, me, and our little ones) family the priority. I hope your MIL backs off and gets a clue, your situation sounds irritating and stressful. Luckily my MIL had her own MIL from hell, so she vowed to be the opposite!

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