Disagreement on Childcare

riott1977 · May 2015

So I know I have a while to decide this, but I started talking childcare options with my DH. I have 2 boys 19 and 15 and I used a wonderful licensed at home provider then, but she lives very far out of the way from both home and work for both of us. So even though I trust her and like the familiarity I don't think I can go with her this time around.

I know from experience I want to find a place, either a center or a licensed at home provider, that their primary focus is caring for children and it is their profession. Every time I had to depend on friends and/or family they always felt comfortable letting me down, so I will not go there. I don't want favors, I want a professional.

My DH knows of a young mother, about 21, who has a 3 year old. She doesn't work outside of the home, her and her boyfriend are really hard up for money, he works at a fast food place, they don't have a vehicle. They live in the same apartment complex as his mother and she is really close to the young family and pays them to clean her apartment and fix things for her. I haven't met her yet. He wants to use her. I guess his mother has already discussed it with her. He likes that it will be more affordable, he likes that his mom is close, and he says he knows her and he likes her. But I am adamantly against that idea. Not because I dislike her. My doubts come from several areas, 1-How long will she be available to do it, likely until a better opportunity comes along. 2-Her child will be in preschool soon, so she might decide to get a regular job. 3-She does not have experience watching other people's children on a full time regular basis, it can be much different when you are caring for other people's children verses your own. 4- What would be her cancellation policy, will she be reliable. I know there will be days she wants to do things other than babysit. 5- She will be the only adult alone with my infant all day, and even though I know it is highly unlikely she will not be fair to my child, she will have no accountability in the moment, she could get overwhelmed. Plus, more that I can't even think of now.

He did not back down. He just said we have lots of time, I have a 12 week maternity leave. He also said i am worrying about things that might not happen, and I am assuming she is unreliable or untrustworthy. He also says I just keep bringing up more and more things to object about it, like I am just making up excuses, but I have legitimate doubts.

But what he doesn't understand yet, because he hasn't had to deal with the childcare thing the same way that I have, is that going with a professional place, you know everything up front, for the most part. You know if they are closed any days of the year usually a year in advance, you know their policy on sick kids, sick adult workers, many provide food so you don't have to bother with that. I will be the parent that has to work from home or take off work if the babysitter can't, so I feel like I have a more vested interest. I want reliability, stability, professionalism, and good structure for the child's day. I want our child to be able to go to the same place until school starts. I also want the environment to be such that any kind of abuse or neglect is almost impossible unless everyone there is guilty of it.

He thinks I am over-thinking it, but I think this is something that a lot of thought should be put into. It is the care of our child from 8 AM until 4 PM Monday through Friday.

And I feel like he is being pressured by his mom to give this girl a chance, because they are so hard up for money, and I can't give someone an opportunity like this just because they need it. I want someone who is proven to be qualified. But we will be continuing this conversation soon, I am sure.

Peony1982 · May 2015

Hiring somone because they are hard up for money is never a good idea.

mariabedolla · May 2015

Peony1982 said:
Hiring somone because they are hard up for money is never a good idea.

This! Plus I would never put my child in the care of someone that I do not know because you don't know what goes on in that household. Keep with your gut instinct because sometimes it's a sign that you need to follow what feels right to you.

VexyMommy · May 2015

If you met the girl and were comfortable with her ability to take care of your child, would you be willing to change? If the main worry was just unreliability, could you shift responsibility for days the babysitter is unavailable onto your husband (or his mother) as she is his preferred care provider?

Just food for thought.

lola2bee · May 2015

I love having a professional take care of my kids because they help me come up with solutions, try different techniques, make recommendations. It's a partnership. I think they value their role and reputation more than someone who is just looking to earn some extra cash. I think your instinct is spot on.

riott1977 · May 2015

I really feel like right now, I won't change my mind. But I am going to go talk to her, because I told DH I would. We both will together. Unreliability is probably my biggest concern, because I feel like it is the most likely issue I will have, but I am also concerned that she is not a childcare professional or does not have any experience with regularly watching children other than her one daughter. But I also know that is she able to care for her daughter, she is likely able to care for my child.

I feel like if I liked her, I would be willing to let her be a backup, but probably not my regular caregiver. Partly because I had such a great experience using a licensed daycare provider in the past, and I used her until my youngest son was 10. I like the routine, the stability, the fact that the children knew what to expect at the different times of the day. I think that helps children who have to be in childcare everyday. I also loved that I was able to use to the same childcare from the time he was one until ten, so he didn't have to go through a lot change.

I'm thinking I should have a conversation with both DH and his mom and try to let them know my concerns in a calm, clear manner. The last conversation got a little heated.

And I can't rely on DH or his mom to help if I don't have care. That will be on me alone. They both work full time days.

dogsombrero · May 2015

I think your plan to at least meet the girl is good. You have at minimum agreed to hear his side of things without a commitment. Personally a young mom with financial instability will have a lot more stress than an older more established person and less of a daily game plan so if enrichment activities are important to you, you likely aren't going to get them there. I'm also concerned with the lack of a vehicle if there is a major problem (bleeding profusely, broken bone) how will your child be transported to the hospital. The girl likely won't have a double stroller either so walking to the park won't happen either. All of these are things to consider.

kmd91 · May 2015

As someone who has nannied professionally (both in my home and that of clients), I personally don't hate the idea of having an individual for a care provider. There's more one on one attention, and versus a center you would have the same provider fully getting to know your child, whereas in a center (not like home daycare center, obviously) there can be a pretty high turn over as well as transitioning between classes as they progress through age groups. Also, I know first hand abuse absolutely can happen in licenses daycare facilities. I'll spare the details, but you just never know what will happen.

With all that said, though, unless it were someone I personally knew and trusted, I probably wouldn't pick an individual just based on "oh, we know this girl that needs money." Because that doesn't scream "I'm passionate about children and childcare." So I can completely understand where you're coming from in this particular situation.

There are perks and drawbacks of any option you pick, unfortunately. So it's just a matter of both of you understanding where the other is coming from and coming to an educated agreement.

wedding crazed · May 2015

I don't hate the idea of using an individual either having nannyed in my home and others also. However, I have a degree in childhood development, CPR/first aid, and many great references. Also, when I went back to work full-time I hired a similiar person with experience to watch my son as I didn't want my baby in a center right away. It worked great, but she also had professional training and references. I always do a background check too. I probably would just flat out refuse. If you wanted to give her a chance you could have her watch baby a few times at your home before you go back to monitor her? Random visits to her house when she has ha baby to see how it's going? That is really a tough call. Go with your instincts as a mamma though.

lyankowi · May 2015

I LOVED when DD started at a daycare but I can not afford the one DD is at with two. I am afraid to do an individual but will interview a lot of places and people before deciding on where to put my kids

brandypinky22 · May 2015

I would say since you are being flexible and meeting this girl suggest to DH that he meet you in the middle and go look at some other day care options with you. I would maybe talk about how part of the advantage of day care is socialization and it doesn't sound like there would be any other children around. Good luck, my husband and I have gone round and round about child care so I feel your pain.

MargaretC5 · May 2015

We interviewed a handful of home daycare before selecting one for DS. Maybe you can do the similar exercise and interview your DH choice as well as some other daycare options. If you ask each provider similar questions you would see if your husbands choice is actually able to handle the responsibility of providing daily care for your LO.

oliviaann91 · May 2015

I agree with PP that it's a good idea for you to at least meet with her since your DH is so adamant about the situation. I do however agree with the idea that hiring someone simply because they need money isn't the wisest choice. Having a child of your own doesn't automatically qualify you to become a care provider for other people's children either. If you do end up absolutely loving her and think that it would be a good choice, I would look into having her complete a CPR/first aid course that covers infant CPR, choking, etc. I work nights and my husband works days, and my daughter is school age..so we rarely need child care for her anymore, but being certified in CPR will certainly be near the top of my priority list if we look into individuals for daycare with the new baby.

Emma&Shayne · May 2015

This! Always this!

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