Grandmother smokes inside her house - what would you do?

Jeenyus · May 2015

I'm looking for some opinions, as I'm not sure if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than necessary.

My mother has smoked her entire life. She smoked through her pregnancies with myself and my two siblings, and all of us have/had asthma. She continued to smoke while we were growing up, and she currently continues to smoke. We have tried everything we can to get her to quit, but after 30 plus years of smoking, she has no intention of doing so.

My mom is so excited to have a grandchild (this will be her first), and has been buying items for baby to stay at her house. She plans to babysit lots, and wants to turn her office into a nursery. I love that she is so excited and wants to be so involved.

However, my mother continues to smoke. I could live with her smoking outside of her home, but she smokes inside, mostly in the office that she wants to turn into a nursery. When I told her that I wouldn't feel comfortable with the baby sleeping in a room that she has smoked regularly in (it's carpeted), she said she doesn't smoke inside the house at all. However, when I go to visit, there are fresh ashes on her computer desk and the room smells of cigarettes. I worry that even if we reach an agreement that she will smoke outside, that she will continue to smoke indoors and deny it.

On one hand, I feel like she is a grown woman, and can do whatever she wants. Also, that I should be grateful that she is here and wants to be involved with her grandchild. My father was never involved with me and will never meet his grandchild (he never cared to meet me either).

On the other hand, I feel that while I couldn't control her smoking when I was a child, and I can't make her quit for her own health, I can make decisions regarding my own child's health.

What would you do? Am I over reacting? I don't mind snarky responses, if I am being ridiculous I don't mind a reality check. If you can relate though, how would you handle the situation?

Thanks for reading.

ashleywuli · May 2015

You are not being ridiculous, smoke is very harmful to babies. I would never ever leave my child in a home that has smoker especially someone who smokes inside the house. I would tell my mother that there is no way I would even bring my baby over if she smokes inside the house. She could easily smoke outside only. There is also a coronation between smoking and SIDS. If your mother decides to stop smoking, I would have her replace the carpet in that room, and repaint. The smoke does stain and linger. Good luck!

https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/secondhand_smoke/health_effects/index.htm?mobile=nocontent

thegingeravenger · May 2015

I like to see the best in people. Tell your mom that you're so excited that she's excited. Also let her know that if you ever see evidence of smoking in the nursery or in the house while your child is over than unsupervised visits will end effective immediately. Be strong mama.

doodleoodle · May 2015

Obviously there could be differing opinions, but I don't think you're overreacting at all. I wouldn't bring my baby into an environment where there is secondhand smoke. I wouldn't argue with her about it because there's nothing to argue about and your decision is final. I wouldn't make it about the secondhand smoke. I would just tell her that while you love how excited she is to babysit you really don't see yourself being able to be away from the baby unless it's necessary. Then once the baby arrives and she starts asking to have the baby stay over tell her you think he/she is still too little to stay the night away from you.

If she keeps pressuring you after the baby arrives then I would put my foot down and tell her you know she smokes inside the home and you've made the decision to not risk your baby's health in that manner. There's no point in arguing your whole pregnancy though.

mmk29 · May 2015

I do agree this is a tough situation because you should be able to trust your mother. My in laws smoke, but they are completely aware that they are not to smoke around our child and have been amazing about that. Give your mother a chance, she's obviously super excited about the baby. However the first time your baby smells like smoke, I would have a very serious conversation with her. The health of your child is incredibly important, you have a right to be concerned.
Do you live close enough that she could watch the baby at your house? As far as sleep overs at grandmas without you are concerned, chances are they're not going to happen for a really long time, so you'll have time to judge if she's truly sticking to her word and not smoking near the baby.
With all of that said, I have friends that do not allow their children in houses where a family member smokes. I understand why. It comes down to what you're comfortable with. I know you don't want to hurt your moms feelings, but you have to look out for LOs health first.

kmd91 · May 2015

I personally would put my foot down. I'm in an awkward position where I have sworn I will never leave my children alone with my mother, however I would completely trust my dad. So for me I at least have the benefit of another adult that can let me know that my wishes are being followed, versus a baby that can't tell you if there is smoking happening around them or not. At the end of the day, it's your child and you have to decide what's best for them. If you can't trust your mother to not smoke around them, I honestly wouldn't leave them there alone. I know that it's such an awkward thing and it's bound to make you feel bad if you deny her sleepovers at grandmas and such, but if she's clearly lying about whether she smokes in the house now, I don't doubt that she will continue to once the little one is here.

dogsombrero · May 2015

This is one of many tough parenting choices you have to make. Personally I wouldn't allow my child to stay in a smoke filled home.

My dad, mom and grandmother all smoke but none inside. They all agree about exposing my kids to 2nd hand smoke and it was not an issue with our first.

I would gently explain to your mom that she is an adult and can smoke wherever she wants but because you know she smokes inside your child will not be staying over and visits will have to be at your home. If it makes it easier say it's because you are an overly worried first time mom and your Dr has mentioned 2nd hand smoke as a contributor to SIDS.

Jeenyus · May 2015

Thanks for the feedback everyone - it helps to reinforce what my husband and I were already thinking. I know that it will be tough to stand firm on our decision, but it helps to know that I'm not being ridiculous in my requests of her. We live in the same city so she can easily come here, and I know she will still do so. I can keep hoping that maybe she will quit so she can have her grandchild sleepover, but I know that that is very unlikely. She will be very upset when my MIL is able to have the baby over, but I'll have to keep reinforcing that it's our choice not to expose our child to cigarettes.

I really appreciate the different opinions and approaches to take. This board is great.

Gapeach83 · May 2015

If she wants to convert it into a nursery explain that smokes sticks to walls and carpet forever. She might not notice but it's there. DH is a painter and he hates people smoking in the house because it doesn't just go away even if she quits now. The room will need new carpet and a really good paint job with paint that can cover it. There is no easy way to do this really but she needs to understand it's for the health of her grandchild. Also might want to keep an eye (or nose) On how her clothes smell. If she holds baby really close he/she can smell to. She could bring extra set or hold off smoking when going to hold baby. They are very sensitive to smoke. Not trying to be crazy lady bit I am sensitive and sometimes people's clothes smell so smokey it bothers me.

DrMommaDVM · May 2015

Second hand smoke and babies don't mix. Sorry, mom.

MadBloom · May 2015

Well it's her house so she can do what she wants....

With that said, I wouldn't be taking my child there and I wouldn't be letting someone that reeks of smoke to hold or be around my child.

I politely asked my parents to consider quitting when I was pregnant with my daughter. They both did great and quit. Then there was a horrible tragedy in the family and they both caved due to stress and started smoking again last year. I was proud that they did their best but due to the situation I wasn't about to bring up the no smoking thing.

The situation is finally over as of a few weeks ago so I'll be having a chat with them again shortly. I'll bring it up once and that's it.

They've been really good about not smoking around my daughter. When they come to visit they come in fresh clothes, don't smoke while they are here and most likely smoke on the ride home. When we go to visit them they never smell and my dad wears a jacket out to the garage to smoke in and leaves it outside when he's finished.

My suggestion is to make your wishes clear and follow through with your rules. If she comes for a visit smelling like smoke then ask her to change her clothes. I'd also be super firm on no visits to her house. She'll figure out you mean business pretty quick and hopefully make the decision to quit.

Pontot31 · May 2015

I wouldn't bring my kids to her house. There is nothing good about that.
Even the third hand smoke that's clinging to everything in the house could cause issues.

I would tell her now. Anything she has bought and is storing there and smoking around is going to stink like smoke too.
Lay the rules down early and be firm.
I would say no baby in her home and if she baby sits at your house she need to change clothes and wash hands before touching the baby and each time she smokes if she smokes outside.

ahowell88 · May 2015

I don't think you're over reacting at all. We had a similar situation with my FIL and DS. He smoked CONSTANTLY (in the house, his car, everywhere)and we basically told him that we wouldn't be able to bring the baby over to their home because they smoked inside. We also didn't let him hold the baby if he wreaked of smoke. It sounds harsh, but personally, I put my children's health before anyone's feelings and he ended up completely quitting smoking by the time our next DS was born 2 years later so it hasn't been an issue since then and the boys frequently go over to their house now!

VexyMommy · May 2015

I would explain to your mother that while you love her very much, it is not acceptable to smoke around or put your child into a smoke filled environment such as her house. With your family history of asthma due in part to second hand smoke it's too much of a health risk. She is welcome to visit your child at your house, but the baby will not be visiting her place. At that point, you've had your say and that's the end of it. No excuses and no further explanation are necessary. If she quits smoking and can get the smoke smell out of her house, you can reevaluate at that point, until then stand firm in what you (and science backs you 100%) believe to be best for your child.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

This post reminded me of this past weekend.

I was at a bonfire then I went back to this kids house to hang with my friends. Everyone's smoking cigs so I stay across the room. So this woman comes down stairs and she's holding her stomach like a pregnant woman would. Then she starts smoking a cigarette! She proceeds to come over to me and start talking then ask me if I want to go upstairs to watch tv with her.and I said yes because I wanted to get away from all the smoke.

When I went upstairs she tells me how she is actually pregnant. And her pregnancy is high risk. She has three other kids with 2 different dads and isn't with either of them. I just didn't know what to think. The lies that came out of her mouth during that conversation! It's not fair when I see woman like that getting pregnant and having a full term pregnancy. While other moms sometimes struggle with getting pregnant and keep the baby. Stuff she clearly takes advantage off.

kestes946 · May 2015

Didn't read all the comments but you're definitely right in that you don't want baby around smoke. I would say that the only real solution is to just not bring the baby over if she's continuing to smoke indoors. She will have to learn boundaries and realize you mean business. I think eventually she'll not want to smoke inside if it meant that her grandchild can't come visit. This kind of thing takes time and communication so make sure you both are on the same page and that she respects your decisions! Good luck! @Jeenyus

lakesideknitter · May 2015

You're in the right, momma. Stick to your guns!

ajmm886 · May 2015

My mom and step dad are both smokers and have smoked around me my whole life. I straight up told them years ago that if they smoke inside their house when I have a baby that baby wouldn't be coming over there to play or stay the night ever. My mom instantly got upset but ever since then she has forced my suuuuper lazy step dad to get off his butt and smoke outside and she does now as well. They also just had a water pipe break in their house so it's all new flooring and even some walls had to be replaced so now I know there is not much if any smoke left over in the house. You just have to be straight forward with her. Your baby's health is #1!

katmcgrath92 · May 2015

I would tell her that if she wants to babysit that she would have to do it at my house and SMOKING IS NOT ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE.
I, personally, do not take my children (or myself for that matter) to places that allow smoking or second hand smoke. Our lungs are too precious to us.
Best of luck!

ash413 · May 2015

We will be having this conversation with my in laws.
they actually do smoke in the garage but their hair and clothes still smells like smoke. The smell in the garage is nauseating and seeps into the house.

Basically, they will not hold my child if they smell of smoke in the least. 8f I can smell then the baby is inhaling. My job is protect my child. They will also not be with the chikd unsupervised but that had more to do with us not trusting my MIL.

They will be pissed, but Idc.
Stick to your guns, and I would tell her sooner than later

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