Feeling frustrated with husband

littleblue17 · May 2015

Is it just me? I am going through so many changes in every way imaginable, I am constantly reading up on what baby is doing now, what to expect, the best car seats, etc etc, but he doesn't appear interested. I went through a very hard first trimester where I could barely keep anything down and was signed off from work - he didn't even look for one remedy online or try to research in any way how he could help. Now that I'm in the second trimester, I'm feeling emotional, my back is killing me, so much pain and fatigue due to my fibromyalgia, I feel really alone. Never an offer of helping out around the house despite the fact that I have a full time job whilst he is freelance and home most of the time. I have to beg him if I need help with changing the bin. It doesn't seem to have sunk in with him that I am pregnant and need help.

I have tried talking with him but he gets very annoyed and some how turns it back like a child, for example tonight he said 'what do you what me to do, read a pregnancy book 24/7??" He's so infuriating and I feel miserable.

Just as a side note, he is a wonderful man who I love very much, but this is one area where he doesn't seem to get it!

MadBloom · May 2015

I wouldn't take it personally. My husband is still kind of like that and it's baby 2 for us. He just doesn't have that in his personality. He's tons of fun and loves our daughter of course but he's not the greatest at reading into feelings.

It'll probably hit it more when he can feel some baby kicks and then of course even more so once baby arrives. Kind of hard to avoid learning about babies when you've got a newborn in your arms!!

CEB37 · May 2015

Pregnancy is a pretty abstract concept for most men.

Try communicating without being overly emotional/naggy or expecting him to read your mind.

dogsombrero · May 2015

littleblue17 said:

Is it just me? I am going through so many changes in every way imaginable, I am constantly reading up on what baby is doing now, what to expect, the best car seats, etc etc, but he doesn't appear interested. I went through a very hard first trimester where I could barely keep anything down and was signed off from work - he didn't even look for one remedy online or try to research in any way how he could help. Now that I'm in the second trimester, I'm feeling emotional, my back is killing me, so much pain and fatigue due to my fibromyalgia, I feel really alone. Never an offer of helping out around the house despite the fact that I have a full time job whilst he is freelance and home most of the time. I have to beg him if I need help with changing the bin. It doesn't seem to have sunk in with him that I am pregnant and need help. I have tried talking with him but he gets very annoyed and some how turns it back like a child, for example tonight he said 'what do you what me to do, read a pregnancy book 24/7??" He's so infuriating and I feel miserable. Just as a side note, he is a wonderful man who I love very much, but this is one area where he doesn't seem to get it!

Tell him what you want. Men do not magically know what we need. They cannot possibly fathom what it is like to grow another human how would they they have no reference. Even I (4 pregnancies) don't know what you are feeling like because my pregnancy isn't yours.

ash413 · May 2015

I agree I would try to give him a break. I have been very sick, it honestly has not occured to my husband to look for treatments online.
I have tried to talk to him about other things like maturity leave, daycare arrangments, and strollers. He tells me to what I think is best, it just isn't totally real yet.
I would try to communicate calmly with him. Tell him exactly what you need from him with out accusing or attacking him

kmkrushi · May 2015

I blame movies and books! I always expected my husband to do all those sweet things like talk to my belly, rub my feet, or run out for late night cravings. With my first I realized he wasn't going to do that. I should have known based on who I knew him to be and loved him as, but I still imagined he'd turn into this romantic comedy hero magically.

Truthfully I still have to ask him, and sometimes spell it out or bribe him. But he's an amazing father who adores our daughter and is immensely excited about this one. He got an app that gives him weekly updates on the baby and the pregnancy without overloading him with information. That may be good thought for your husband. Try talking to him as calmly as you can about it. But be patient and realize you may have to keep reminding him.

Elyse1384 · May 2015

I know it is frustrating, but sadly men just don't get it. They really can't empathize with what we are going through and even if they want to be helpful, they really don't know what to do. Plus, I think we as women tend to bond and develop those maternal/nesting instincts right away. Until the baby gets here it is difficult for them to form that bond and get into it. My husband is an amazing father, but until our little guy was in his arms he really was like a fish out of water during my pregnancy. Definitely do sit down with him as others have suggested. It is tough and I know not ideal that you need to do it, but alas... men!

thegingeravenger · May 2015

I'm sorry you're having a rough time, but here's the thing. You're doing something that no biologically born male is able to do. You're growing a human inside of you. There is absolutely no way your husband can know what you're going through and there's nothing really comparable to pregnancy. I've heard it argued that childbirth can be compared to a bad kidney stone, but that's neither here nor there.

Sit down and talk to him one more time to see how he reacts. Let him know that you're not trying to nag. However, before this talk have a list of what exactly you want/need from him ready. With my SO I've really found that just expecting sympathy doesn't work at all - I had to sit down and ask him to simply start asking how I'm feeling every few days. That gives me a chance to talk about my LO without it being the only thing we talk about.

vomitrosa · May 2015

After years of overanalyzing and picking apart these same scenarios, I've come to theconclusion.... men are dumb, very dumb.

Meganb005 · May 2015

My husband drives me crazy right now. It's weird. Not pregnant, I don't want to spend time with anyone else. Pregnant, I can't wait for him to lock himself in his office to do his MBA homework. He tried to help out while I was nauseated but now that I'm feeling better, still soooo exhausted, I'm expected to pick up where I left off before getting pregnant. It's hard! And the hormones make it way worse.

doodleoodle · May 2015

The next time he makes a comment like, "What do you want me to do read pregnancy books 24/7" I would respond, "Absolutely not, that's ridiculous. I hope that's not how I was coming across. Could you please help me clean up the house that we live in together?"

How could he possibly say no to that?

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