DS and Big Changes - Advice Appreciated

Elyse1384 · May 2015

My heart is breaking for my 14 month old son and I feel even worse thinking about his year ahead. I’m a working mother and I would do anything to stay home with him, but like many that simply isn’t financially possible. He is currently our only child and has been in daycare since he was 4 months old with the same “teachers”. They are loving, affectionate, encouraging and accommodating to his needs (what any parent would want in a provider). Over the past week they transitioned him to the young toddler room and lets just say it is NOT going well. His new teachers are night and day personalities from his infant room teachers. The kids he transitioned with are not from his room as there are 3 different infant rooms. The schedule is quite regimented and far less accommodating to individual needs, he is in a different building altogether (our daycare has 2 buildings on property), there are rotating teachers for the early drop-off/late pickup timeslots (the infant room only had his teachers in the room throughout the day) and to top it all off.. he has had the worst stranger anxiety for the past few months. Our once smiley, high on life little guy has been inconsolable at drop-off (and even for an hour or so after we leave). Once he stop crying, he spends the next couple of hours withdrawing from the activities and (what I’m told) just looking very sad. The teachers are hoping this is temporary as he adjusts/gets comfortable with the new setup.

Then my mom guilt sets in and I think… “oh good God. Come November he has another big change coming his way. Then we have no option but to move him from his room 3 months later when his sibling needs the nursery. Then a couple of months after that adjustment, he will be moved to a different room at daycare and begin the transition process AGAIN.” For context, we aren’t comfortable transitioning him to his new bedroom/bed before the baby arrives as he will only be 19 months in November and I just don’t think he is anywhere near ready for a toddler bed. The nursery is right next to our master bedroom and the smallest in the house, so we really need to put him in one of the two guest rooms down the hall. Anyone else gone through something like this before? It is heartbreaking to watch and I fear this plus looming changes in the household (new baby, new bedroom, new bed) will make for a miserable year for our little man. I am fearful of “damaging” his amazing personality with all these changes. Everyone always comments that they’ve never met such a happy little guy and you literally can’t force a smile off his face (until this past week). Sorry for the long rant/post.

VexyMommy · May 2015

No need to apologize. It is a lot of changes, but some of them are really unavoidable. Does he have a favorite stuffed animal or blanket at home that he doesn't currently take to daycare? If so, maybe let him bring it with him to give him something consistent between home and daycare.

I would suggest transitioning him to his own room later or sooner. Possibly move the crib into the new room if you honestly feel he's not ready for a toddler bed. (I would talk to his pediatrician about it. My little one was really active and we HAD to move her out of the crib by about 15ish months for her own safety.)

katiedhunter · May 2015

I had huge anxiety about my 1st DS having a hard time he sounds a lot like your LO always happy. And granted I am a SAHM but he really surprised me with transitioning. He loved moving to his big boy room about 3months prior to #2 coming he was about 19 to 20 months. And he loves his brother and helping him and me. As for daycare I agree with PP maybe sending his fave toy will help.

dogsombrero · May 2015

Oh the mom guilt, what a tough spot you are in. It hurts to see our kiddos so upset and feeling so helpless. I agree with PPs about making his move sooner to ease the new baby transition if you have his big boy bed in the room but wait to transition him from the crib he might like the idea of the new bed more. You could start doing story time in his new bed nightly so he gets comfortable with the idea. Maybe a talk with his teachers about all the changes at home and how upset he is to brainstorm ideas would help. His teachers most likely do not want a sad kiddo in their classroom either. *Creepy internet hugs* this too shall pass.

Pontot31 · May 2015

Separation anxiety is big at that age. It happens whether there are changes or not. So know it's nothing you've done. He could cry in his old room. It's a phase. A rally sucky one.

I would talk to the day care director to come up with a plan. Is there a teacher he loves who can greet him in the morning? Can you drop him in a room he likes better? Is there an activity he loves that he could get to do first thing?
They are used to issue like this. Ask them for help.

As for a bedroom I would change it now. Do it long before the baby comes. Get him involved as much as possible. Make it fun. Bribes for sleeping in there all night help. Hype it up to be the coolest thing ever.

Elyse1384 · May 2015

Thanks all! These are great suggestions and really reassuring! Sadly my daycare doesn't allow toys from home, but they do allow blankets so I think I will definitely bring in his favorite blankie (that he is always dragging around the house). I think you guys are correct in that regardless of bed used (crib vs nee bed) we should transition to the new room sooner than later. The good news is that he likes going into his soon to be big boy room. We currently use that room as storage for his future "stuff" (big boy gifts we received over the past year, stuffed animals, extra toys, etc) so he knows cool stuff is usually in there. I like the idea about starting to read to him in there and getting him involved in the room. We usually read downstairs before bed, but that is a great transition. Maybe a nice new toy chest for the room with his favorite stuff. I really appreciate all the thoughtful advice!

helsbels222 · May 2015

Unfortunately your son will go through these transitions a couple more times in daycare. It just takes some getting used to. My son didn't do well with each transition he made. There was always a rough patch right after the move. It does get easier though and he'll get used to it. Is there any way to request the school also move a friend at the same time? It would help to have a friend from his old classroom with him. Like PP said, bringing a familiar toy or blanket will help too. My son still brings his blankie to school for nap time. Your son will adjust, it just takes some time.
I would suggest you transition your son into the guest room and big boy bed now. You still have some time before the baby comes. It might be rough on him to transition into the new room around the time the baby arrives. He may even feel resentment or abandoned at that time, like he's being pushed further down the hall because of the baby. However, if you do it now, he'll probably be used to it by November.

Good luck!

Elyse1384 · May 2015

So as luck would have it, his best friend from his old room is the daughter of his new teacher so the daycare won't let the little girl move into the same room when she is old enough (she is 11 months and eligible in one month to move to a toddler room)

( Her mom adores Maddox despite not being the cuddly type, so I'm almost wondering if we can work something out so that they either end up together again or at least get some parts of the day together. Sadly the only other two kids from the infant room qualified to move (12+ months old in the infant rooms) who made the transition were not from his room and are part time anyway (1 say and 2 day) so they are "sharing" a spot. I am definitely going to bring his blankie in tomorrow. Glad you all mentioned it (slipped my mind).

I told my husband about all your thoughts in moving DS into the new room early and he thinks it makes complete sense too even if he can't quite handle the toddler bed just yet. We are going to make it feel like a "promotion" with fun stuff in there and we will really hype it up. I think we will aim for starting the introduction next month (he will be 15 months then) which gives him 4 months before the baby for a smooth and happy transition. Thanks again all!

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