Husband is worried about Down's syndrome

jlschifano · May 2015

Hi all how do I ease my husbands mind about possibly having a Down's syndrome child. We are 8 almost 9 weeks along. I keep telling him everything will be fine. Please help!

BabyBump2 · May 2015

Would it honestly change the way he feels??

NoSugarCoating · May 2015

Uh, neither of my sons has/had Down syndrome. How does that affect your pregnancy? Have you husband speak with your OB or some other medical professional.

groovylocks · May 2015

So there is a test. You're eligible for it now. We opted out. Down's syndrome people are beautiful, sweet people. We aren't worried one way or the other. But that being said I'd recommend people do it.. That is just our belief. If the kid is alive and growing, we've succeeded.

BabyBump2 · May 2015

^^^ yes. This exactly.

NoSugarCoating · May 2015

groovylocks said:
So there is a test. You're eligible for it now. We opted out. Down's syndrome people are beautiful, sweet people. We aren't worried one way or the other. But that being said I'd recommend people do it.. That is just our belief. If the kid is alive and growing, we've succeeded.

They are people with Down Syndrome. Just letting you know that referring to them as "Down Syndrome People" is offensive to that group and those who love them.

But roughly 50% also have heart conditions of varying severity. Others have vision problems, hearing loss, a deficient immune system, hypothyroidism, blood disorders, or epilepsy. Some will never live independently, which means the parents have to arrange for care after their deaths. It's financially and emotionally devastating to parents who don't have the means to support someone with this condition. It's not all puppies and rainbows.

BabyBump2 · May 2015

I completely understand where you are coming from @NoSugarCoating. It isn't all puppies and rainbows, as I know from first hand experience. My thought was, if you found out would that HONESTLY change your mind about having your baby?

Melissadmag · May 2015

It's always a possibility, but why is he so stuck on the idea anyway? Are you two both older, or have a family history of it? Regardless there is always a chance, but there are tests you can do to see beforehand if it is.

chickaboo1974 · May 2015

If he is concerned speak to your OB about one of the tests available to screen for Down Syndrome... And just because someone wants to test DOES NOT mean that they are going to " do something" if the results are positive for Down Syndrome or any other condition.... gee lets just jump right on that. I had every screening tool I could when I was pregnant with my boys---- not that I would " do something" if they had a condition...but I am a firm believer in knowledge helps you make the best decisions- so if there was an issue I would know about it BEFORE labor/delivery so perhaps delivering somewhere else that is a better fit and can help my child ASAP.

jlschifano · May 2015

He's

jlschifano · May 2015

He's more worried about what we would do if our baby has issues cause we really can't afford it. I personally don't care and I'll love the baby no matter what.

NoSugarCoating · May 2015

mrettig13 said:
I completely understand where you are coming from @NoSugarCoating. It isn't all puppies and rainbows, as I know from first hand experience. My thought was, if you found out would that HONESTLY change your mind about having your baby?

Personally? Yes, it would change my mind. We are not in a financial position to care for a special needs baby. My employment as a contractor is tenuous. My fiance works in special ed five days a week, all year round, and is burned out. He could not handle caring for someone with special needs 24/7.

I do not judge those who choose to have a special needs baby if they feel they can handle everything that comes with it. I just hope they would extend the same courtesy to me.

PrimRoseMama · May 2015

jlschifano said:
Hi all how do I ease my husbands mind about possibly having a Down's syndrome child. We are 8 almost 9 weeks along. I keep telling him everything will be fine. Please help!

Well, you don't know "everything will be fine" but most of the time it is. There is nothing you can do if your child has a chromosomal issue. It's all chance. So worrying about it is pointless.

amm0512 · May 2015

"Personally? Yes, it would change my mind. We are not in a financial position to care for a special needs baby. My employment as a contractor is tenuous. My fiance works in special ed five days a week, all year round, and is burned out. He could not handle caring for someone with special needs 24/7.

I do not judge those who choose to have a special needs baby if they feel they can handle everything that comes with it. I just hope they would extend the same courtesy to me."

This. All of the people who are on a high horse because they haven't been put in the position to have to choose. Every family has the right to make the decision that is best for them. If your family can handle the financial, emotional, and psychological burden of a special needs child, so be it. If parents make the decision to end a pregnancy because of a health condition, that is still their choice.

Many mothers find out they have significant health problems like cancer while they are pregnant; they must make a choice about whether to keep the baby or fight for their life. DH and I agree that we could always make another baby, but could never make another mother for DS.

groovylocks · May 2015

NoSugarCoating said:

So there is a test. You're eligible for it now. We opted out. Down's syndrome people are beautiful, sweet people. We aren't worried one way or the other. But that being said I'd recommend people do it.. That is just our belief. If the kid is alive and growing, we've succeeded.
They are people with Down Syndrome. Just letting you know that referring to them as "Down Syndrome People" is offensive to that group and those who love them.

But roughly 50% also have heart conditions of varying severity. Others have vision problems, hearing loss, a deficient immune system, hypothyroidism, blood disorders, or epilepsy. Some will never live independently, which means the parents have to arrange for care after their deaths. It's financially and emotionally devastating to parents who don't have the means to support someone with this condition. It's not all puppies and rainbows.

Yes. You're correct. They also tend to suffer as they age and die younger than most. (tend to)

My point is this. There is nothing you can do, test or no test, to change any of that.

Finances are not a worry for everybody - many people on these boards aren't American and have the right to health care. I am an immigrant to USA so if my child's sick, we go back home.

These just seem like reasons to consider termination. I don't judge anybody that does. But we're not going to consider that because getting pregnant was almost an impossibility for us. So sick or well, thick or thin, cheap or dear, we stick it out together.

groovylocks · May 2015

I also don't think those of us who say "No, we're choosing to carry no matter what" are on a high horse either.

I have no issues with people who choose to terminate a pregnancy because they are unable to care for the child for whatever reason. It's your choice and i respect your right to make it. It's a good thing we have that right to make that choice and I'm in full support of it and oh my god i can't believe i even have to say this..

I am simply saying I don't want the test because I'm not going to entertain that choice. We had a hard time conceiving. This is the best thing to happen to us. That's where WE are. US. Personally. The rest of you are on your own paths and obviously your needs and limitations vary.

The reason i brought it up the way i did was because MY husband said the same thing. And when two parents are incongruent on that, it's sometimes best to forgo the test all together.

NoSugarCoating · May 2015

@groovylocks -- you don't want time to prepare, emotionally? You don't want time to research specialists? Make sure the hospital's NICU can handle your child's special needs? You don't want to know if your child may need heart surgery before even being discharged home from the hospital after birth?

Your last statement, "when two parents are incongruent on that, it's sometimes best to forgo the test all together," rubs me the wrong way, too. Forgoing the test potentially FORCES the nonwilling parent into having a child with special needs.

groovylocks · May 2015

NoSugarCoating said:

@groovylocks -- you don't want time to prepare, emotionally? You don't want time to research specialists? Make sure the hospital's NICU can handle your child's special needs? You don't want to know if your child may need heart surgery before even being discharged home from the hospital after birth?

Your last statement, "when two parents are incongruent on that, it's sometimes best to forgo the test all together," rubs me the wrong way, too. Forgoing the test potentially FORCES the nonwilling parent into having a child with special needs.

There is that argument - preparing. But my clinic has an amazing specialist who has a package completely prepared for moms who find out they're having a baby with Down's. I'm still half considering doing it. I have until sometime in june to decide.

And I'm not forcing my husband to have a child at all. If he decides suddenly that he can't emotionally be part of a disabled child's life, then it'll be sad but I'm not going to terminate my pregnancy. I don't think this is going to be an issue. It only came up once. But just as i would never force him into parenting his child if he decides he can't do it, so too would he never force me to abort a child just because he doesn't want to parent it.

There ARE two sides to that..

peevpee · May 2015

J, at 10 weeks your doctor will recommend you to take genetic screening test. after 10 weeks mark your babies DNA will be crossing placenta into your blood. From your blood the screening test will determine whether you are at a risk of having trisomy abnormality or not. According to my doctor, this screening is 95% accurate and it takes a week to get the results. if your intention is to terminate pregnancy in case of Down's syndrome, you can also request CVS test which is more accurate but intrusive (drawing amniotic fluid through a needle) to confirm.

alindsey67 · June 2015

We did the harmony blood test and it gives you a 99.1% accuracy on your risk of downs. It also tells you the sex of your baby. I'm just over 12 weeks and found out yesterday were having a baby girl

g8trkim · June 2015

I didn't read every response so sorry if I repeat. We always did the 12 week anatomy scan to tell you the possibility of the baby having Down's. I know people who have told the baby has a high change of Down's and their baby was fine. If the possibility was high they would do further testing. Luckily, we were always in the really low range. Anyway, we certainly wouldn't have terminated but in the event the baby had Down's I would want to educate myself ahead of time rather than being surprised at birth. That's just me, but everyone is different. In your case, I would would have your doctor check at your 12 week ultrasound to find out one way or the other. This would either ease his mind or give him time to prepare.

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