How to not invite someone to the shower? Advice needed.

MouseMama817 · May 2015

Sorry this is SO long!
I have a rocky relationship with my uncle to say the least. He is a very selfish and self-centered man who is constantly either drunk or high and takes advantage of everyone around him. The most frustrating aspect is that nobody calls him out on this. The whole family makes excuses for why he is the way he is. When DH and I found out we were pregnant I never heard any congratulations from him. What he did say (behind my back) was "she can barely take care of a dog, she shouldn't be having a baby." Which was not only incredibly hurtful but nonsensical bc when I say I take better care of my pets than he does his daughter, I'm truly not exaggerating. I resolved on that day to never speak to him again and I haven't except in situations where I'm forced to be polite for the sake of keeping the peace in the family. Even though I really dislike him I still have a hard time being blatantly rude to him; I just wasn't raised that way. He sent me a text apology a few weeks after knowing I had found out about his comment. That was the last time that we really spoke.
We're putting the guest list together for the baby shower and at this point he is not on it. Even if I wanted him there, my husband hates him. My question is how do I go about not inviting him? My mom says it's cruel because he's family at the end of the day. My grandmother, who is 83 years old would be upset if I excluded him. To end the conversation I told my mom that she could inform him of the time and place but that I would not be sending him an invitation.
I'm not sure if I should rescind that compromise or if I should suck it up and just send an invite. I I feel like having him there will only serve to stress me and DH out and I don't even understand why he would want to be there after the nasty thing he said about my pregnancy news. At the same time I'm also worried that his absence would draw attention and take away from the celebratory nature of the day.

I really need some unbiased advice here. Everyone I ask has some sort of stance on the matter. Any input would be much appreciated!

prairiedreams · May 2015

Leave it with your mom sharing the news of the shower no formal invatation needed if you don't want the stress and drama. If he choses to show up fine if not fine don't let his actions be a factor at your shower.

Miz_Liz · May 2015

I am assuming since you are talking about having your uncle that it is a unisex shower? If you want to really eliminate the issue, just invite women! That being said, I guess I would look at how he is at other family functions. I know you said he is high/drunk all of the time in his personal life, but does he behave that way at the holiday parties too? How large is your family - if he is invited, is it possible to just avoid him altogether? Mine is so big that I could easily not talk to one person if I chose not to at a party without it being noticeable. Do you think it would hurt your grandmother? And if so, how do you feel about that? I agree the guy sounds like a total ass. Is he the type to even show up?

malamaza · May 2015

If you accepted his apology and will continue to be polite to him due to keeping the peace then I think he should get an invite. Perhaps you and your hubby need to really think things over and decide if you either want this person in your life or not and then follow that through with your actions. I don't like hypocritical people and pretending to like someone, etc. Ive always been the type to 'suffer in silence' and keep things in to avoid conflict but lately Im realizing that life is just too short to surround yourself with people you do not like and do not sound like a good person to have around your future child(ren).

sjra1028 · May 2015

I have a similar situation. We're having a coed baby shower on 6/6. My BIL is always drunk and high. His gf follows him everywhere and she has outbursts. I can't stand to be around them! I talked to my husband about it. He agrees that they probably wouldn't be appropriate at the shower, so we didn't invite them. It's a small gathering of just my immediate family and 2 of my friends from out of state. My BIL and his gf haven't even asked if I'm having a shower so they just don't know about it. It seems harsh, I know. I've played it over and over in my head, but I know it would cause more stress than anything on me. It will also be my birthday, so I'd rather spend it with people I want to be around.
My opinion is if you don't think he'd be supportive and sober for the event, then maybe he shouldn't come. I think telling your mom to give him the info instead of sending an invite is a good idea. Maybe he'll take the hint that his comments hurt you more than he thought they would.

MouseMama817 · May 2015

All great points, thank you guys.

@Miz_Liz: Yes, he is like that at holiday parties as well. I'm not saying he would show up to a noon event inebriated but I also wouldn't be surprised if he did. He will try to make things about him like he did at my wedding (I literally said "I do", went to hug my family, and was assaulted with a picture of his ex wife/woe-is-me story instead of a congratulations all within a 3 minute span). My grandmother probably would have something to say if I didn't invite him. She's big into etiquette and unfortunately, my uncle is her favorite child. It's no secret. I don't think she'd be hurt, but I do think she may be angry. I'm not sure if I care about that or not. I have a lot of thinking to do!

@malamaza: When I say polite, I mean ignoring him unless he's right in front of me saying hello then quickly excusing myself from his presence. He 100% knows I do not care for him. In response to his text apology, I said "Thanks." I didn't think that was accepting his apology but I suppose that could've sent a mixed signal. My husband and I have decided that we absolutely do not want him in our lives. I actually didn't attend my family's Thanksgiving because I didn't want to have to see him. When we went for New Years dinner, I didn't say one word to him and luckily he didn't try to speak to me. Inviting the rest of the family minus him to our baby shower just seems like such a deliberate and loud snub....it goes against 25 years of manners lol. I am a walking contradiction.

I think it may be best to let my mom handle it. I considered contacting him directly to explain why I didn't want him there but it seems so confrontational. Is it odd that I don't want to hurt his feelings even though he hurt mine first? What a mess! Thank you ladies for listening to me. It's rare that I get to vent to people who have no personal stake in the situation!

mrswiebe09 · May 2015

If he shows up and is being a complete jerk have your husband make him leave, explaining why.

JNOVA2015 · May 2015

I think you should avoid sending mixed signals for the sake of keeping the peace. If you've decided you don't want this person in your life (with good reason!), then you need to cut him out of your life. If you continue to respond to his texts, speak to him when you encounter him at functions, or invite him to events through bavk channels even though you're not extending an official invite, that does not send a clear message that you don't want him to be part of your life. There are people in my family who I talk to about as much as you're describing, just because we aren't close!

This does mean you'll have to deal with any family fall out, but if your family is angry you could just say that you don't feel his behavior is appropriate and you've decided that you don't want him in your life; others in your family can continue to have a relationship with him as they wish.

nicolelsmith7 · May 2015

It's a lot easier to "put up" with someone than it is to constantly walk on egg-shells to avoid them. My advice...put up with him for your shower. It doesn't mean you have to have a good relationship, but it is a lot of work to be constantly fighting a fight like this...it does become exhausting. (Learned that through experience). Family will always be around and you will begin making others choose between you or him for family functions if it continues. Which I don't think is fair. And one final note: Some people are just jerks...that's why you get to pick your friends and not your family.

ginger8484 · May 2015

What I did was send invites to whomever I want because I don't want any stress at the time of this special event. I do know I will hear some wraft afterwards , but have the I don't care attitude. It's your special day as well as your partners , and I wouldn't take it personally and if others do they can get over it. It's all about love right? I understand family is family, but you don't have to put up with toxic people. I stopped the cycle and knowin that makes me feel good. Good luck

AshK1027 · May 2015

At the end of the day, you have todo what's right for you and your family. Others should understand that. If it's something held in your LO's honor, then you & your husband should feel as comfortable as possible. If anyone asks, be honest. It doesn't have to be a big thing.

Starynightsky24 · May 2015

mrswiebe09 said:
If he shows up and is being a complete jerk have your husband make him leave, explaining why.

This. Otherwise don't invite him all together. It doesn't matter if he's the "favorite". That does not exclude your right to have feelings.

Sending the message loud and clear on what is acceptable is needed. Maybe because he's your uncle you feel the need the need to be polite... But you are an adult now, and you get to tell people when they are being unacceptable. Imagine what he may try to do at the hospital? Or another function... And it's your child he's talking about instead of you? Absolutely not.

BrittanyG615 · May 2015

I have a similar situation. My aunt has been a selfish, self-centered butt for as long as I can remember. She constantly has to "one-up" anyone around her. After her dog mauled my mother (who is a heart patient mind you), she acted like SHE was the victim because the state put her dog down. It was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. No one messes with my mama! Lol I never really spoke to her after that, but my mom still tries to reach out to her. She has yet to congratulate me or my mother on the baby, and when I saw her at my grandmother's birthday party she avoided me like the black plague. My mother wanted me to invite her to the shower, but I told her that I wanted this to be a fun and joyous event and her presence is enough to put me in a bad mood! I say if you don't want him there, don't invite him!

JNOVA2015 · May 2015

Starynightsky24 said:

mrswiebe09 said:
If he shows up and is being a complete jerk have your husband make him leave, explaining why.
This. Otherwise don't invite him all together. It doesn't matter if he's the "favorite". That does not exclude your right to have feelings.

Sending the message loud and clear on what is acceptable is needed. Maybe because he's your uncle you feel the need the need to be polite... But you are an adult now, and you get to tell people when they are being unacceptable. Imagine what he may try to do at the hospital? Or another function... And it's your child he's talking about instead of you? Absolutely not.

Sorry, but definitely not this. Your husband shouldn't have to worry that the party will be ruined for him if he has to play bouncer. If there is someone else who is willing to do that, fine, but if not I still say just don't invite him.

I do agree that you should send the loud and clear message that his behavior is unacceptable and won't be tolerated, though.

tlpyott · May 2015

my mom-in-law sent my invites, and asked for a guest list. I didn't include my step grandmother because I don't have a close relationship with her and I thought it would be awkward to invite her - and perhaps seem like I only wanted to see her for a gift, since we don't usually make a point to see her anyway. I want to have a fun shower where I feel comfortable,not on eggshells. I already feel yucky from being pregnant - the last thing I want is to dread what is supposed to be a fun day. Family is what and who you make it,blood or marriage does not entitle you to be invited to every event. you have to earn that by being a good person, a supportive family member and someone that people want to be around! if he hasn't done that, it's totally not your fault, and he has no one to blame for a lack of invite but himself.

lifesabeach85 · May 2015

JNOVA2015 said:
I think you should avoid sending mixed signals for the sake of keeping the peace. If you've decided you don't want this person in your life (with good reason!), then you need to cut him out of your life. If you continue to respond to his texts, speak to him when you encounter him at functions, or invite him to events through bavk channels even though you're not extending an official invite, that does not send a clear message that you don't want him to be part of your life. There are people in my family who I talk to about as much as you're describing, just because we aren't close!

This does mean you'll have to deal with any family fall out, but if your family is angry you could just say that you don't feel his behavior is appropriate and you've decided that you don't want him in your life; others in your family can continue to have a relationship with him as they wish.

This. I am a strong believer in not keeping toxic people in your life. IMO it is enabling them in a way. I would send a clear signal that he is OUT of your life. You may only ever have one baby shower!

Trefek1 · May 2015

I went from having one to having 2 showers in one weekend. Why? Originally it was due to a very large guest list and too much for one friend to handle at her house. Then someone starts bringing up mom doesn't get along with aunt because of uncle. And step grandma would feel weird around grandma (they've been more than civil, friendly even at graduations, our wedding, and other gatherings of mine). Then mom & grandma point out mom had a HUGE financial issue with cousin I invited. So here's what I have to say about it all, mind you none of these are family issues I have or am directly involved with, but:

There are plenty of people at most showers that speaking to the one you're wanting to avoid speaking to can very easily be kept to a minimum. I invited everyone I wanted to, including the ones I know my mother doesn't have a great relationship with. She can easily avoid speaking to the one or two people. Grandma invited people I haven't seen for 20+ years. I agreed, because she wanted them there and it'll make her happy to invite them and I don't mind I extra people show up to honor baby. I suggest, sticking to your guns, don't send your uncle the invite. Let your mom Give him the information, but leave her in charge of telling him to be on his best behavior. I'd also ask mom, in advance of the shower, to be the one making sure he's polite and shows up sober, if not she gets to ask him to leave to keep the day about you, your hubs and the baby. Not your uncle. Some times people impress you with trying to show off to family. But don't designate your husband who already doesn't like him to be in charge of peace keeping.

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