Coming to terms, first baby, first miscarriage

heyyitselliee · May 2015

on 22nd may on what was meant to be the happiest days, where I was supposed to see my little peanut for the first time, the sonogram technician told me and my partner that, yes there was a baby there, but was not measuring 12 weeks 2 days but measured 10 weeks 4 days, with no heartbeat visible.

A second more senior technician came in and confirmed what the first had said and we were sent up to the maternity ward to discuss our options.

I'm 18 and so is my partner and this was an unplanned but very much wanted baby, I am struggling I am having to wait till the 25th may to have a second ultrasound and possible surgical management of a miscarriage either that day or the day after.

I wanted the procedure done right then, knowing I had carried my dead child inside me for 2 weeks already. But now I don't want to let go I want he or she to stay safe inside me where no one can hurt them. I know it's essential I have the surgery but I don't want to let go. It's still my baby. I am devastated I was looking forward to seeing them kick on the screen and wiggle but instead I saw a still motionless baby, with no sign of life.

I have support but I feel like shutting down, there is nothing anyone can say or do to fix this and I'm lost in my own head, I just want my baby to be okay, but that's not what's happening. They will be ripped from me and I don't know how to cope with that.

They had been apart of my live for 3 months, and no they're just gone.

How do you come to terms with it? How do I not blame myself? I had such bad morning sickness I was admitted and put on an iv, everyone said that was a good sign!

I need some advice about how to go on, not move on but live on.

rachrobertson · May 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. There is nothing anyone can say that will make the pain better, but just knowing there are so many others going through it too that understand the roller coaster of emotions helped me. For me, the first week was the most difficult. I also had a d&c and for us, it was the easiest part of this entire loss. Once I had the procedure, I felt we could finally start fully healing. I know several people that had a mc their first pregnancy and went on to have multiple children with no issues. Everyone is different, but for us, ttc asap will help us focus our attention on other things vs what could have been. Once I snapped out of the what would have been mentality, that helped, but I know my due date will be tough. Praying for all of the people on this board.

Liz622 · May 2015

I am so sorry for your loss. I really never understood how difficult this experience was until I started going through it myself. I found out 3 and half weeks ago during my first ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. I wanted to wait to miscarry naturally but that didn't happen so I scheduled a D&C for the following week. I am now 2 and half weeks since the D&C. Everyone is different, but for me, time is the only thing that has truly helped. Each day is a little bit easier. But there are some days where I am more angry and sad than others. Another thing that helped me was going back to work and keeping busy. If I just sit home, the only thing I have to do is think about it. That isn't helpful for me. I completely understand what you are saying about being lost in your own head. Just get through one day at a time. The first few days are the worst.

Please do not blame yourself, there is nothing that you have done wrong.

Sending prayers and hugs your way.

VictorahB · May 2015

Hello I'm going through the same experiences right now, they want me to have a D&C but I'm not ready, I feel like my life has ended and I'm just going through the motions until I take my last breath.

valleric · May 2015

I'm 5w1d post mc. I can honestly say it does get better. Right after, it just feels like your heart is literally broken every second of every day. Now I'm at a place where I think of the could have beens. I get sad seeing happy families and avert my eyes when I see a pregnant woman. I still think- why me? Why our baby?
It is hard not to blame yourself, but I know it wasn't my fault. There is nothing that I could have done any different.
Idk- I just try to not blame myself and If I'm feeling sad and crappy then I lose it in the shower or whenever.

tpete12 · May 2015

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my first baby at 22 weeks. You will NEVER forget the moment that you were told that your baby had no heartbeat, but you do learn to cope with that. I found time and keeping busy was the only thing that kept me going. I promised myself to move forward a little bit every day - I hope you can get through this! Best of luck.

heyyitselliee · May 2015

Thank you everyone, I'm having the surgery tomorrow, had another scan today which confirmed no heart beat, I feel that once it's done I will feel more at peace then being in limbo like I am at the moment x

kimey1 · May 2015

@heyyitselliee Hope you feel better now that it's happening. Rest and get well.

whit3183 · May 2015

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I felt very much the same way after my first miscarriage. In terms of how to cope, it's so hard! The first few weeks are just about making it through the day. I think it took me 3 weeks to feel like I could function normally, and 4 months before I truly felt like myself again (though the pain never really goes away entirely). But everyone is different. For now, you just have to focus on taking care of yourself and know that things are going to be really difficult for awhile, and that's totally normal. Moving on will happen naturally when the time is right.

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