How do you handle, "when are you having kids?"

lilmissslp · May 2015

If you haven't seen my other threads, my husband and I have been trying for about two years with no success. Unfortunately we have unexplained infertility. We had our second IUI a couple weeks ago and unfortunately that didn't work out and we were heartbroken to say the least. Today in a meeting I was sitting with my arms over my stomach (I'm subconscious about the weight I feel I've gained from medication), and a teacher asked me when my husband and I were going to have babies and thought maybe I was sitting like that to cover my pregnant belly. I didn't even know how to respond. Had a good cry when I got home! How does everyone else handle these questions?

mandasd · May 2015

I work a pretty demanding job and I get downright tired sometimes. Anytime I ever feel a little "off," my coworkers say "maybe you're pregnant?" I love them but it's very insensitive. It's like I can never be tired or get sick without raising these questions. People don't mean to be rude and dumb but there's plenty of ignorance!

lilmissslp · May 2015

@mandasand I have a coworker that does the same thing! They have no idea how hurtful it is. What do you say? I have a hard time not getting upset. I try to laugh it off but it's a real slap in the face.

ambdtb · May 2015

It's really hard to answer this! I usually just say.... Hopefully soon! And at that point hopefully they just stop asking. It's really difficult when you're having a hard time emotionally.

gkap · May 2015

I usually say 'when the time comes'

MKLEWIS2010 · May 2015

I usually laugh and say no im just fat and then they back off (this is kind of mean but I also think that having children is personal and people can be very ignorant to infertility issues) I also tell people that we are not planning on having kids right now. This way the questions stop.

mandasd · May 2015

A simple. "No" stops the conversation in the moment but it never fails that the next time they say the same thing again.

AshKazmi · May 2015

I have the same issue at work @mandasand . It's so upsetting and I get angry. I say no I'm just really not. I know they're not trying to be hurtful, but they know about my infertility issues so I think they would be more careful. Fact is unless you've dealt with infertility in can never know how to speak to someone who does.

mandasd · May 2015

10% is what people say and 90% is how you react. You can only control how you react and what you say. Let the other stuff go. This is advice from someone in your same situation.

I don't cry when my friends have babies because I don't have one. If I cry, I cry tears of joy. I am always the one that offers to throw the baby shower. I don't get sad when I see other people's kids. I don't feel bad I don't have any. It is what it is. I am still deeply hopeful that I can have a child but I don't let it eat me up and I don't let other people hurt me.

Alyeena · May 2015

I actually let people know about our fertility problem. I just say that me and my husband both have fertility issues and we are currently undergoing treatment. If they ask questions I answer them honestly. With all the details yes.

I also let them know nicely that it's insensitive when they make certain kind of comments. Such as "just relax it will happen" I always back it up with strong medical facts. So then they stop doing it.

I am just tired of the big stigma around infertility and I am trying to make it not such a taboo subject anymore and to educate people about these issues. Well at least to people who will listen.

lilmissslp · May 2015

@Alyeena I think that's great! I think about doing that sometimes but I'm still so emotional about it all. I'm afraid I'd either come off as angry or start to cry. Something to work towards!

hopeandlovema · May 2015

I usually say "when the time comes" or sometimes I even lie and say when I'm finished school or I don't want kids I get asked sooooo much by my husbands family and I just brush it off I used to take it hard

Alyeena · May 2015

@lilmissslp

I don't get angry or sad. Not when I let people know for the first time at least. It's not their fault we are infertile. And especially with close family and friends it makes me feel better that they know. Amd we can share our progress.

When people keep saying stupid shit tho! Even after they know... Then I get angry. It's like one of best friend's boyfriend, they have a 3 year old and he said to me one time "hey be thankful you can sleep in the mornings" I wanted to stab him! Like, I would like nothing more than to wake up to a baby in the morning.

So ya some people just never get it xD

PhoenixRyuu · May 2015

I tried a lot of things over the course of 8 years - we're not ready yet, we're not sure we're going to, maybe someday, etc. People seemed to ask again later or comment on our age or other things that were nasty for someone struggling with IF. Finally I told the truth in a very concise way (like one sentence, we've tried but have medical issues, etc) and that shut them down permanently in most cases, although some people ended up revealing their own struggles, which I don't find to be a bad thing. It's always nice to know you're not alone. At least when it didn't shut someone down, I was getting encouragement not nagging questions. I know that's not for everyone and I generally didn't tell people that I was currently trying if I was (none of their business, really), nothing that invited requests for updates, just a simple, general statement of fact.

lilmissslp · May 2015

@PhoenixRyuu that's great advice! I like simple and to the point.

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