December 2015 Moms

Anybody who doesn't want hubbub in the delivery room with them?

I'm on the fence on this. 

This is my time. This is a moment of life-or-death between me and my child. Part of me doesn't want anybody in there but the professionals. 

I'm sure when the 11th hour comes, i'll be too scared to do it without him but as of now, i've been thinking it's best if i do this alone. I tend to prefer to face this sort of thing alone. 

Anybody else feel this way?
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Re: Anybody who doesn't want hubbub in the delivery room with them?

  • i couldn't imagine kicking DH out!
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  • This is my 3rd child and my husband almost didn't have a choice of being there or not (in Iraq) so the thought of home not being in there scared me. He was able to be there and it was such an amazing experience for the both of us. My only advice is with my first I had way to many people in the room with number 2 I only had my mom and hubby and was so much more comfortable. But I do think your husband should have a say. Yes you are the one in labor but it is his baby also!
  • Yeah :) The baby is his. I didn't mention it to him exactly because i think it might break his heart and give him the wrong idea about why i feel this way. If he insists, of course he's welcome. It's more that i'm sort of feeling a little guilty for even wanting to deliver solo and wondering why i'd feel that way to begin with. 

    Part of me thinks that it's not even that.. I just want other WOMEN around and not any men. That's something different all together. 

    It's a strange desire and i feel kind of bad about the whole thing. 
  • There is no need to feel bad. Perhaps a doula in addition to your DH? You might end up with a male L&D nurse. Honestly it's very likely when the time comes it won't matter who is there. You just want it out.

     

     

  • Labor is such a unique animal. The best laid plans kinda have a strange way of going right down the drain. If it's something that you feel really strongly about I do think you need to discuss it with him early on so you can both have time to digest and work through to find a resolution that is amenable to all. Just my 2¢

     

     

  • peevpeepeevpee member
    You are not alone. I did not let my husband into the room during my first childbirth. yes the baby is his but the labor is mine. I explained to him that I do not want anyone to see baby emerging out of my private parts. I am sure there was not just a baby but maybe poop and pee mixed up with blood, my doctor did not tell me :-). Anyways, if you feel like presence of your husband will intimidate you, don't let him in, you don't need to add extra stress during labor. My husband had no problems waiting behind the door. I asked my doctor to let him in immediately after I was done and covered up.
  • CMDDCMDD member
    Be gentle on yourself. You have 7-8 more months to consider this so let it be in the back of your mind instead of making a decision now.
  • Thank you everybody. These are compassionate and kind answers and i appreciate that even those who don't quite get where i'm coming from (and trust me, i sort of fall into that category myself) weren't shocked or appalled. :)
  • Yeah :) The baby is his. I didn't mention it to him exactly because i think it might break his heart and give him the wrong idea about why i feel this way. If he insists, of course he's welcome. It's more that i'm sort of feeling a little guilty for even wanting to deliver solo and wondering why i'd feel that way to begin with. 

    Part of me thinks that it's not even that.. I just want other WOMEN around and not any men. That's something different all together. 


    It's a strange desire and i feel kind of bad about the whole thing. 
    Do you really classify your husband as "any men"? I mean, add all the women you want and tell him to stay near your head if you arent comfy with him seeing the birth. I cant fathom telling my husband he cant be in there, for multiple reasons. 

  • Yeah again i have no intention of refusing him entry. I don't even totally feel like i don't want him there. There is just this PART of me that wants to go it alone.
  • I couldn't imagine my husband not being there. For our first he was my rock. Also the experience of having your family together when the baby is out is second to none amazing! I ended up with a cesarean and I'm sure that was worse to watch than a natural birth in some ways. Really think about this for the next few months, you wouldn't want to make a decision you'll regret.
  • peevpee said:

    You are not alone. I did not let my husband into the room during my first childbirth. yes the baby is his but the labor is mine. I explained to him that I do not want anyone to see baby emerging out of my private parts. I am sure there was not just a baby but maybe poop and pee mixed up with blood, my doctor did not tell me :-). Anyways, if you feel like presence of your husband will intimidate you, don't let him in, you don't need to add extra stress during labor. My husband had no problems waiting behind the door. I asked my doctor to let him in immediately after I was done and covered up.

    Wait...I thought the father stood on your end of the bed..where you can't see under the sheet and thus all the foul details?! I don't want my S.O. witnessing the nasties either...
  • @heatmill You have the choice of letting him deliver. It's a cute idea and i don't care if he sees me at my worst (he was by my side during an eye surgery in 2012 so he's seen me looking gross) but I don't want him getting in the way of the people I'm paying to keep everybody alive. 
  • I understand you're laboring alone but you're both having a kid. You're in this together and it's such a unique once in a lifetime experience that I wanted my husband to be apart of with
    Me. We hadn't been dating long when I got Preggo wth my first and I was super uncomfortable with a lot of things I get it and didn't want him down there I wanted him to be up by my head and he was...but because he couldn't "be apart of it" cutting the cord meant the world to him. Let me tell you something about labor and labor pain... You stop caring about everything!!
  • kakers321 said:

    I understand you're laboring alone but you're both having a kid. You're in this together and it's such a unique once in a lifetime experience that I wanted my husband to be apart of with
    Me. We hadn't been dating long when I got Preggo wth my first and I was super uncomfortable with a lot of things I get it and didn't want him down there I wanted him to be up by my head and he was...but because he couldn't "be apart of it" cutting the cord meant the world to him. Let me tell you something about labor and labor pain... You stop caring about everything!!

    This one article i read (before i got pregnant - I avoid labor articles now) the woman said she actually believes she attained enlightenment for a moment during her delivery. That's how bad it was. 

    I can't get that image out of my head. But the way she described it, it was beautiful. Like, really fierce and amazing and badass. 
  • Maybe it's just hormones? Think of it this way, seeing your husbands reaction is a once in a lifetime thing, every pregnancy will be different. I think that letting him be there and you getting to see his emotions will be something totally worth it aside from the baby, ya know?

    My husband and I have only been married 2 years but we have been together for 6, so I'll definitely want him in there and he's excited to be there too. I've already told him I might poop myself lol just so he's prepared, but he's been there for me in my worst times and I've been there for him in his, were pretty comfortable with each other even the gross times lol I look forward to him making me laugh at the things that would normally be embarrassing =]
  • I need bf there. He needs to see what i will go through and he deserves to be the first to lay eyes on his child. As for others. No. I don't want his mom or aunt or sister or my mom for that matter. I tried that once and it's too distracting and too many comments are made 'when is the baby fonna come...blah blah blah'. Nope. A very intimate moment between my man and i.
  • I would never consider kicking my husband out since I would be robbing him of a once in a lifetime experience between him and his child entering this world. That being said I am already prepared for the fact that I will probably want to kill him the whole time lol. My hubby is super A.D.D. and loves football. I have already warned him that if he dares mention watching football in the labor/delivery room or is too distracted by his phone sports bets to help me that I will end him lol. I am sure there will be times he will try to be helpful and end up just stressing me out more, and yeah death threats galore for however long I'm in labor for but in the end I know I will be much happier that he was there, and very relieved that he gives me whatever help he can. I know he's going to baby the hell out of me, and will hopefully just be better at following directions and mind reading what I need by the time labor starts =) Also, I want him walking away from this thinking that I'm super woman and bragging about what I went through and how mind blowing it was for him, and I want to hear that for the rest of my life, so yeah, having him see what I go through is going to help with that, and also make him understand better if we can't have sex for 6 weeks or more after the birth. 
  • I totally get not wanting men in the delivery room (although my dh is a must for support). I see a midwife so I went in thinking I'd only have women in the delivery room too, but of course there were student nurses on the floor that day and the one they put in my room happened to be a male. I was so focused on getting the kid out of me that it really didn't bother me.

    Having my dh there with me though was such a comfort and a total bonding experience for us and our little family. Wouldn't change that for the world. And he still finds me sexy now, even though he literally saw everything come out of me. lol
  • colsen4colsen4 member
    Maybe talk about having a curtain up if he wants to be in the room. He can be there on the other side to hear it all but not see anything. That way should you want him there midway through he is right there. He can stay on the other side and hold your hand or talk to you. While it is a special time for you and baby it is also a special time for him. Without your man there would not be a baby. Be gentle and loving and explain right away how you feel. At first I couldn't believe you wouldn't want him there. You have your reason and that is how you feel so I would say don't be upset if he does not like the idea. It is something you have time to figure out and could even change at the last minute, use this time to ease him into it. Best of luck.
  • I can understand this a little more this time than I did with my first. Hubby was my rock through labor and every single moment I was so grateful to have him there. He has such a hard time with blood and such that even by my head, couldn't see anything, turned completely away- it was all he could do not to faint. He was no help to me. I had complications but they literally just shoved him out of the way and it wasn't an issue.

    I still want him there though. It's a combination of reasons why. Like a previous poster said, it was nice that he saw what I went through and how he appreciates me for it. He got to be there for our son coming into the world. While I was being taken care of and getting stitches, I felt more at ease knowing he was with our son while he was being checked over in a scary time. It wasn't just strangers there.

    Take your time and think about it, especially since you don't seem certain on your reasoning yet. Talk to your husband about it. If you're honest and just tell him this is how you're feeling and you'd like to know how he feels as you're trying to work through it, he should be understanding. No one can fault you for feeling.
  • Just wanted to add and didn't feel like editting- hubby has told me he understand my concerns about him being there for the next one with his previous reaction. It was stressful for me worrying about him at a moment when I didn't need extra stress. If you would feel more stressed having him there, maybe it would be better to be alone. For others it's bonding or they're more afraid of being alone and that's fine too. It's what works for them.
  • HBarrieHBarrie member
    Lol I must be hormonal... Reading all you ladies' description of how special the moment was for yourself and your partner made me well up...
    I'm a first timer and I haven't even given birth much through yet, it's so far into the future.. I have previously (before getting pregnant) told my DH that I would not allow him to see "everything" because I'm so worried it will somehow change how he sees me. I'd want him by my head, holding my hand...

    But hey who knows, I have another 29 weeks to think about it, I may change my mind (my midwife said that changing one's mind is a woman's prerogative lol).
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  • amm0512amm0512 member
    edited May 2015
    I ended up as an emergency c section and my spinal didn't take on the right side so they ended up having to put me under entirely. The only memories I really have of my son's birth are what DH tells me. I remember him standing next to me and telling me "this is our son", but I honestly have no memories of the first time I saw or even held my son. That is something I can never get back...I would never wish that on any parent. So I just can't understand why would you want to take that moment away from your husband.
  • RSB1982RSB1982 member
    FTM here so no experience, but I fully expect my DH to be in the room with me. I don't necessarily want him to look 'down there', but I know I will need the support. I haven't talked to him about this specifically, but he did ask if we were going to take birthing classes so I think he definitely wants to be included.
  • DH helped deliver the baby actually so he saw everything--which clearly didn't deter him as we are pregnant again. I feel emotionally closer to him after that experience and couldn't imagine not having him in there. I mean, he was there for conception so......

    Married 07/29/10 and blessed with our Baby Boy Bowen on 06/17/2013

  • chiboo9chiboo9 member
    I can't imagine DH not being in the room with me. He literally held my hair back while I puked 3x during labor and pushing with DD. He kept a cool washcloth on my forehead at all times, wiped my sweat off, rubbed my back, and cheered me on like no one else's business. Yes, all of that could've been done by a nurse, but there's no one else I'd rather be with at that moment.

    It was also a very special moment for us because we stayed Team Green all the way. All the nurses and OB knew we were Team Green, so they let DH call out the sex of the baby once she came out. It's absolutely one of the best moments of my life and I'm so glad to share it with DH.
  • I cannot imagine him not being there nor can I imagine taking that experience away from him. That isn't to say I don't understand your reasonings. I do. I may not feel the same, but I can absolutely see how this would be an experience some might want to do on their own. However, for me, this is equally his experience as mine. I may be pushing the child out but the child does not belong to me. The child is ours. He deserves to be a part of every aspect of this child's life from start to finish including the birth. To hear him/her cry for the first time. To cut the cord. To hold him/her right away. To see ME in all my sweaty birthed out glory. It's the first moment you can have as a true family and I think my hubby would be devastated not to be there ... and I know that after the fact, if he wasn't there, I'd be devastated too. I do have some concerns about what he might see so we'll be talking about that -- where he will stand during the birth, what parts of it he wants to be a part of. But, if he says he is comfortable with it all, wants to see it all, wants to experience it all, then I will 100% allow him to do that and be thankful he is there.
  • I'm going to go against the grain with this one. I can totally see how labor is the moment for the mom and the child to be. If you feel like your husbands presence would make you feel uncomfortable then you have every single right to not have him in the room. Men witnessing birth is a modern concept anyways. Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. 
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  • I think it's also possible I just flat out don't want to deliver. I am going to discuss an elective c-second with my doctor. This might be part of what's been eating me.
  • ketobaby said:

    I'm going to go against the grain with this one. I can totally see how labor is the moment for the mom and the child to be. If you feel like your husbands presence would make you feel uncomfortable then you have every single right to not have him in the room. Men witnessing birth is a modern concept anyways. Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. 

    Yeah and see I am NOT the kind of person who does, or who even cares about, what's "expected" of me. Being female, I've put up with enough of that in my life. I decide what's expected of me. 

    That being said, I think it's not so much uncomfortable but it would be distracting. I want him there at the moment of delivery. I just might not want him there during the "push push push" craziness. 
  • My DH will be there whether he likes or not!  :P the latter actually being more accurate, he couldn't even handle our 8 week appt without getting squeamish. Such a weirdo!
  • peevpeepeevpee member

    I think it's also possible I just flat out don't want to deliver. I am going to discuss an elective c-second with my doctor. This might be part of what's been eating me.

    it is up to you, but before you decide to do C-section consider this:
    1. if c-section was unnecessary, your insurance will not cover it (my doc told me last week).
    2. c-section scar will take about 4 weeks to heal and hurt all this time. you will not be allowed to lift up your baby from the crib, someone will have to hand him/her to you (I never had c-section myself, but two of my coworkers did and told me that. perhaps other moms on this forum can confirm)
  • it is up to you, but before you decide to do C-section consider this:
    1. if c-section was unnecessary, your insurance will not cover it (my doc told me last week).
    2. c-section scar will take about 4 weeks to heal and hurt all this time. you will not be allowed to lift up your baby from the crib, someone will have to hand him/her to you (I never had c-section myself, but two of my coworkers did and told me that. perhaps other moms on this forum can confirm)

    I'm from canada and if the cost gets too ridiculous, I'll simply deliver at home. Cost = 0. So that's not a worry right now. 

    The lifting thing I've heard before but several elective C moms said that that was not an issue for them - i'm not sure if i'd fall into that bucket but yes, that's something to consider. I've had major surgery several times before and yeah, healing is usually painful but again, a number of women who have had elective Cs have claimed that their recovery was not as painful as the propaganda would have you believe. They also say that C sections create real issues vaginally delivering in the future which is a non issue for us as my husband and i are going to be (surgically) done after one. 

    I need to discuss it all in detail with my doctor though. But i'm thinking about it.
  • SeleynaSeleyna member
    All I know, is that the only person that I want with me, is my husband. I don't want anyone in our families knowing that I've gone into labor, aside from whoever is keeping LO during that time. I have a very pushy family, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM showed up when I had specifically stated I didn't want anyone there until after kiddo was born. So, this time, I don't want anyone to know. I would like DH in the delivery room with me again because he was certainly a godsend. And there's no way that he would ever not be there. He's a cut the cord kinda guy too.
    Became Stepmomma to the world's best little boy, Marcus, on November 1, 2009!
    BFP On December 7, 2013! Due August 8, 2014!
    Reese made his arrival on August 13, 2014 after 42 hours of labor!



    BFP on April 2, 2015, estimated due date is December 6, 2015!
    Teryn made his arrival on December 6, 2015 after only 15 short hours of labor!

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  • I can't imagine not having DH in the room. He's not just my husband, he's my best friend. Yes labor is gross, but even more than that it's effing terrifying. It's nice to have someone just as invested in the whole thing there with you. He stayed by my head the whole time, yea he probably still saw too much but he was a gentleman and never mentioned it;)

    I think it's a choice you and your husband should make together. Also, give yourself plenty of time to think it over!
  • e2wiree2wire member
    Every one is different but every woman has the right to chose and control the aspects of her labor that are controllable. I feel the same way as you described in your post. The thought of labor makes me think of the pain, anxiety and fear. Facing what I'm capable of and what I'm not. I'm a person who tends to be very sensitive to mine and others' emotions. Having other family and loved ones in the room is a lucky but it's also a burden. I would worry how my husband would feel watching me do this big thing. Somehow I know my reactions, breathing, noises and process in general would be altered by others watching. These thoughts make me tend towards wanting to labor alone or with someone who can really handle seeing another person go through crisis (it's my first pregnancy so I really anticipate labor to be critical even though it's natural). So I understand how you feel. And my husband tends to say foot-in-mouth comments that wouldn't be helpful and I know he would be distressed at his inability to help in or understand the process of labor.
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