Fathers of mamas in delivery room..?

gladdyola · May 2015

I have been so blessed to have complete support and help though my pregnancy, especially with my family. Since I am going to be a single mom and I have been going through pregnancy without my ex I have been overwhelmed with love and SO much involvement from others and it's meant everything to me.
Now, I am planning on having a med-free birth at a local birth center. I want my mom in the room with me and prior to yesterday she was the only person I envisioned in there with me, but after a phone call with dad where he stated that being part of the birth was "not a want but a need" I'm feeling uneasy.
My mom had 3 unassisted home births with us and my dad was the one who was there to be my moms birth coach and to catch us in the water (she had water births) so I think he really just believed it's his "job". I know he would be AMAZING to have in the room (very positive and well educated on med-free birth) but I'm just having the hardest time envisioning my dad sitting next to me in the nude while I'm in the birth tub/walking around. I want to be comfortable. But he seems so set on being in there and the idea of me telling him that he can't be in the room with me crushes me.

While it's not really the "norm" to have the fathers of the moms in the room, have any of you ladies had your dads with you or planning on having them by your side?

I know it's ultimately my decision but I would just love to hear others thoughts and opinions on the subject.

kettlekitten · May 2015

If you're not comfortable with it, don't do it! The birth of your baby is not about him, it's about YOU. You have to be comfortable with whoever is in the room as you need to be relaxed especially as you're planning to go med free.

gladdyola · May 2015

Yes that's what I was thinking too @kettlekitten

now if only I could find a way to explain this to him without it being taken super personally lol

Perfect Sonnet · May 2015

Never in a million years would I want my father in there.

I agree with the above that this is about you. If you are comfortable with him being there, then by all means allow it. However, if you're not comfortable with it, do not let him in there...despite his "need". This is definitely an experience when there should be no guilt about putting your comfort and needs above that of your family members.

mrsb30 · May 2015

It sounds like you have a really supportive dad and that's wonderful, but this is about what you're comfortable with. I would just be honest with him and explain that, but that you want his involvement in other ways etc. I would never want my dad in there either!

lilhoek · May 2015

I would just say to keep an open mind. You never know what you are going to need on that day. If it were me (granted, my dad passed away and I never had a great relationship with him), and my dad wanted to be there, I might say to him that the thought of it now makes me a little uncomfortable, but I am willing to try it out and see how it goes. If I get uncomfortable, I will let you know. My first 2 births, it was just my husband and my sister in the room. If I were able this time, I would have a home birth with anyone who wanted to be there- it is just that miraculous of an experience. But, I am having a high risk pregnancy and will deliver in the OR, so I am not able to have a party like I wanted

Maybe that sadness is skewing my perspective on your experience too!

gladdyola · May 2015

@lilhoek I'm sorry to hear about your fathers passing.. And such an encouragement that if you were to have a home birth you would be willing to share the experience with whoever! That's wonderful. Wishing you and baby the best of health!

gladdyola · May 2015

And thank you ladies for all of your feedback. I definitely agree that I should be the one comfortable despite my family's "needs", but maybe I'll give it a try with him in there and if I'm not comfortable then I'll ask him to leave. If I give it a chance then maybe he won't take it too personally

kat+1 · May 2015

You dont have to be naked.... You could birth in a nice night dress or flowy dress and make it clear he's not to be in the sight line of your vagina. He could support you from the shoulders up.

It's not and option to have my parents at the birth as they live 2000 Kms away. But I would choose to have my father in the room with me over my mother. My dad is more calm then my mom, who last birth was all over me to have and Epi before I even got to the hospital and would not shut up while I was having contractions so I hung up on her.

Also my midwife told me. For every person who enters your space who you don't want there they stall your labor by 45 mins aprox.

sjra1028 · May 2015

I was a single mom with my first. I was supposed to have a natural delivery, but it turned into an emergency c-section. But before we knew that was going to be the case, my dad insisted on being in the room. My mom wasn't against the idea either. She thought it would be special, but it made me extremely uncomfortable! I see where you're coming from. Just don't be like me and have a fit in the delivery room. Lol
My mom ended up being in the OR with me and cut the cord and everything.
But talk to him beforehand and just explain you'd rather not have him in there while you're naked and it makes you uncomfortable. That's the easiest way to put it. I couldn't imagine my dad seeing my lady parts. Even though I freaked out, he told me later on that he respected my decision and understood why I had gotten upset about it.

Miz_Liz · May 2015

For me this would be a no way, no how, never happening.

Kimk1616 · May 2015

Nope, no way, absolutely not. That would make me very uncomfortable and since I'm the one giving birth, my comfort is the priority, not the "needs of others." I absolutely adore my dad, but no. I can be a bit of a pushover but since I've become pregnant, I haven't felt the least bit badly about putting my foot down and standing up for what I need and want. This is just the beginning.

jessandandy09 · May 2015

It would be okay with me, but my dad wouldn't be able to handle it. He can barely watch a movie around me and my sister if it has kissing in it. He is a little old fashioned :-)

laineyjewel · May 2015

I had my dad with me for my DS1s birth. I was also a single mom at the time and he was there for me through it all. Both him and my mom were amazing helping me through the birthing process.
Maybe you could do things to make you more comfortable with him being there? If you are planning a water birth and being completely nude is what is making you uncomfortable, maybe wear a bikini top or sports bra? You could also ask him to stay up by your head? But overall, Hopefully he understands that him seeing you like that may make you uncomfortable.

missmarissa711 · May 2015

Personally, I would not have my dad in the room with me. But listen, you do you! Sounds like you two are extremely close, and if its something you both would enjoy, have him in the room.

sschwege · May 2015

jessandandy09 said:
It would be okay with me, but my dad wouldn't be able to handle it. He can barely watch a movie around me and my sister if it has kissing in it. He is a little old fashioned :-)

Ha, this is me. I think if my dad could have been out in the waiting room when his own children were born he would have happily sat out. I would imagine he would pay good money to be no where near his daughter when I give birth!

OP: This is one of those things where it is all about what you want and has nothing to do with anyone else and their wants/needs. Your not comfortable, sorry dad you are out! Perhaps think of a good way to involve him? Keep family updated? Be close by and come in soon after the baby comes?

jadetree1080 · May 2015

I'm planning for just my husband and the 2 midwives in the room with me. But if fam was going to be there I would be okay with my dad in there too. And if anything goes wrong you had better believe I will be screaming for my daddy. Helps that he is a paramedic and has delivered lots of babies so I really feel he would know what to do, but also he's my dad. Its really not that weird. But it is all about being comfortable. I have heard that being uncomfortable with the people there can actually slow down or even stop the labor process. So your call, as you and everyone else have said.

victoriaaa1 · May 2015

Me and my mom haven't been on good terms in a while and still aren't so she won't be part of anything , but I was just planning on having my SO in the room with me but his mom wants to be in the room since it's her first grandkid which I don't mind but my dad also wants to be in the room which I feel is extremely weird even though he says he's going to stay above me so he doesn't see anything but I still think it's weird having him in the room period and he kinda isn't getting the point that I want no guys besides my partner in the room . But I guess it all depends on your relationship with your father and how comfortable you would feel having him their with you which I don't see anything wrong with that .

walterjena · May 2015

No.......no no no no....he can wait outside or come in once it's over....there is just something about my vaginal on display that I can't even imagine my father being in the room. NO. BUT to each their own. Just be honest with him...if you are that close, as it seems to be, he shouldn't want you uncomfortable. Good luck!

amylianne · May 2015

For my first my dad was in the room some, but I wasn't naked. He was actually the only one who noticed when I was having the early easier contractions. It ended in a c-sec, so my husband was the only one there. But, DH left the OR with the baby and I was left alone. So this time either my sister or dad are on stand by to come in the OR if DH has to leave. I'll be naked, but at that point I don't really care. The way I see it, they know what our parts look like and there is so much going on that "a vagina" is the last thing anyone sees. They see a birth, or in my case, organs and who knows what.
If it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it, but if it's just that saying you're okay with it seems inappropriate or weird, know that it doesn't have to be. Decide how YOU feel.

stow2009 · May 2015

My concern is with his statement that being in the room is a "need and not a want". I think this is actually not supportive. His needs are not of consequence, and this is certainly NOT a need. Your WANTS are the only thing that matters, and from reading what your wrote, I feel fairly confident you do not want him in the room.

Please don't feel any guilt over standing up for this experience, no matter how supportive he has been or will be with the baby.

Gators&BoSox · May 2015

Maybe you could have him in the room supporting you until it is push time and then see how you feel about it. If he stays up by your head maybe you will be comfortable, maybe you won't and at that point you could ask him to wait out of the room. But at least he would feel like he was there for you. Will there be anyone else in the waiting room he could be with at that point? Like PP's said, in the end it is about you and getting that baby out with as little stress as possible, but I also understand not wanting to upset your dad. Whatever you decide you think will work best, I would definitely have the conversation earlier rather than later.

CarelessDiva89 · May 2015

Miz_Liz said:
For me this would be a no way, no how, never happening.

This for me too! ^^^^

saraheve23 · May 2015

For me, birth is very private so I only want my husband there, but I absolutely would not worry about nakedness! I didn't think about it for a second when I was delivering my daughter and was very naked with her on top of me when my family (mom, dad, brother and sister) came into the room to meet her and it didn't phase me at all, whereas normally it would.

alyra15 · May 2015

I had my father In the room with me during the delivery with my first child. At first I said I didn't want him there because I thought it would be uncomfortable and awkward. However, during the labor he arrived, and when he saw that I was in so much pain (it was med free) and had some complications he stepped right to my side and just held my hand. My husband was pretty much passing out so my father was a bit more supportive. I have to say that during the whole time I was just glad i had someone close to me giving me the strength and support I needed. And I have to say that the bond that he has with my daughter is wonderful! So, if you feel comfortable with him
There, I would say definitely have him there. But all depends on you, like you and other mommas have mentioned. I hope this helps a little! ☺️

Thj417 · May 2015

I only wanted my DH with me and my parents live out of town so that was not really an option anyhow. But, as labor progressed I didn't care who was in there or what they saw. I distinctly remember throwing off my sheet and gown and telling the nurses to shave me pretty!! (We ended in c-section due to baby's heart decelerating). That being said, this is my
second baby and if I was in your shoes I would welcome both of my parents, I know my dad wouldn't be interested in all of my naked glory either! Good luck!

johannaspisak · May 2015

I have an extremely supportive,protective, loving father. That being said, he'd probably rather gouge out his eyes than see one of his daughters give birth. More of the "pace anxiously in the waiting room" dad. That's certainly where he was while the three of us were born.

cosplaymom · May 2015

Why don't you compromise and let him hang around while you are laboring, then leave when you have to get down to business? You could be spending hours just walking around trying to dilate more. My stepdad was there while I was doing that and it was no big deal but I kicked out all dads AND moms when it was time for an epidural. Only DH was there for the pushing.

Do what you are comfortable with. Tell him straight up he needs to have NO expectations because you never know what is going to happen. And if you have any hard lines to draw, tell him now (such as, he absolutely has to leave before push time). Don't worry about hurting his feelings, that's his problem to deal with.

mamaloaf · May 2015

pabeybaby · May 2015

I'd probably kill my parents if they were in the room with me during delivery. DH is the only one I want with me. My dad was a paramedic for around 30ish years and he's a bit of a control freak at times. He still treats me like I'm 12 sometimes and I can't stand that. He prefers to be "the hero" in situations and that's not what I need while I'm in labor. I'd rather he were keeping my mom under control lol! She'll be super excited and constantly in the room so I'm glad the nurses are going to be kicking people out when necessary.

JaclynnFisher · May 2015

I've had 2 home births and my dad has been our runner. Dh is in the room with me and my dad does things like help the midwives get their supplies up to my room, get me snacks and drinks and look after our other kids if needed. I really really appreciate having him involved in some way and he's a huge help. He always calls my mom to let her know they have a new grandkid (and they're divorced!). My dad and I have a great relationship and this was one way I could include him without getting awkward.

DaddyMx · May 2015

Maybe because Im a man I want to give you another perspective. I do agree that ur needs is whats more important but that being said ... You are going to be in lots of pain, and your vagina will be pushing out a baby; so I believe the less thing you will be thinking is that your dad is looking at you naked and 100 percent sure he will be more excited on seeing his grandchild being born than thinking "my daughter is naked"

kab170 · May 2015

I usually just lurk and this is my very post, but I felt like I could offer some perspective.

My dad was in the delivery room with the birth of my first child. I am close with my parents, and my mom had two med free births. The plan was for them to be there in early labor for support, but then they would slip out.

My dad had even stated he did not want to be present while I delivered and wanted to give my husband and I our privacy and I was uncomfortable at the thought of having my dad there for delivery.

During labor, I got the urge to push and when I told my nurse, a bunch of nurses and the ob all came in at once and basically trapped my parents in a corner. They both got to witness the whole birth.

I will say, it ended up not being awkward at all and I was really glad my parents were there. Afterwards, they were both so excited. I will mention I wore a gown the whole time, but my modesty pretty much went out the window during labor.

You should definitely do what you are comfortable with, I just wanted to offer up a different perspective!

ginger8484 · May 2015

When I went to baby classes at the hospital, the rn mentioned a code name to kick out unwelcome guest or if you start to feel uncomfortable . The code word is orange juice lol. Hope all go well and it's your choice if you want your father in the room. My father passed away and I wouldn't want him in there looking at my lady parts

Want a personalized experience?

Fathers of mamas in delivery room..?

Re: Fathers of mamas in delivery room..?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards