More help from strangers then from family

rpazzaam · May 2015

This is the only safe place I can post this, as my fb is full of friends & family that may not understand. This is my 3rd child, I am happy and grateful, but its hurtful that although I have a big family I have gotten no offers of help or assistance from them. Not my mom or my sisters. Its hurtful & embarassasing. Friends have offered to come over & help, given me items, even offered to help me cook & clean once the baby gets here. I'm guessing that ny family either doesn't care or is under the impression that bc its my 3rd I know the ropes already, but every baby is different & esp with my 7yo & 3yo, I am going to still need help. Also not even to ask if I need any baby items is so hurtful. I just feel like I shouldn't have to ask. I am feeling like I want to completely cut them off bc of this. Anyone else feeling this way? What would you do?

Raymer2 · May 2015

O yes I feel this way too. I try to talk about my appointments to my mom and I get the impression of ok whatever. I'm high risk this pregnancy compared to my last one so I'd like to get as much health info that I don't already know just in case still get the shoulder shrug. My SIL offered to watch DD when I went into labor but when I try to get a hold of her for some other reason I can't so I'm stressing as to whether my poor 5yo will be in the hospital with me. The list goes on I have little support and it scares me because last time I got post partum depression because of lack of support. I really hope for the best for you and anyone else in this situation because I know how much it hurts.

47923ang · May 2015

Maybe they are making the assumption that you don't want any help since you've been there/done that. I don't think it's fair to expect them to read your mind, so they may be completely oblivious to the fact that you're looking for some assistance. I'd ask, "hey mom, I'm going to need some help in the next few weeks. Can you watch 3 yo the day I get home from the hospital, or would you rather take 7 yo to baseball practice?" (Or whatever it is you need).

If you ask and they still aren't willing to help, then I think you have a case to be hurt or mad. But I'd give them a chance before I gave up on them.

mishmardhiono · May 2015

My SIL(childless) is one of my best friends, she had rarely asked about baby/pregnancy which is fine. I asked her if she would like to come to an ultrasound she was more than welcome to come. She seemed happy and came along, I then asked if she would like to attend the birth as support. From then she has been so involved and non stop. I know from my friends previously being pregnant I would have been happy to help out in anyway but a. Didn't know how an b. was t sure if they would have been comfortable considering I don't have kids. Maybe just come out and ask

klkonwi · May 2015

For sure ask. My mom would want to know if I was feeling overwhelmed and needed help. I understand though that every family has their own dynamics.

Sammy K · May 2015

I understand. My family is distant and they just don't give a s#!% about my family. It's hard to accept and painful every time I see them post things to each other on FB. My cousin went so far as to say yes when I asked her to come help with DS, then several months later say it didn't work well with her schedule and asked if I could move things up a week. When I said that wasn't an option, she bailed. And she's the one family member I'm "close" to.

You can try talking to them, but I think feeling hurt and being disappointed is completely normal. I hope you have someone to step up.

britneythebridexo · May 2015

I am in the same place with my family I feel your pain. Many times I don't even get a phone call even asking how my mom's only grandson (my 1st son) is. Smh

mrs1374a · May 2015

Oh I hear you! My mom makes it look on Facebook like she offers to help me all the time and no, she never does. My mother in law offered to come down twice a week to help clean and do laundry and She actually has children at home, even though they are in school, and she lives an hour away. My mom is 5 mins from my house and home all day. It doesn't bother me that she doesn't help, but stop acting like you offer!!

Melindafuller34 · May 2015

We had a baby shower yesterday out of town that was centered around my SO so called loving family which i haven't meet all of them. No one showed mine included which I can understand about that cause I'm the black Sheep of the family with my siblings & mother anyway my granny raised me. I always wanted a mothers love but I guess I'll never have that. I was really hurt people pretend like they were going to attend on fb. Then when the time comes no where to be found. Actions speak louder than words

I do appreciate his sister for hosting the shower I felt bad afterwards because she has five young children & I felt she wasted her money

sspyles · May 2015

No one is obligated to give you assistance or help, and if you don't ask, people often just don't even realize you need help. Reach out to them. Maybe they feel like you don't need/want their help because of your friends? I absolutely agree it's hurtful when people you love act disinterested, but maybe it's just a fear of stepping on toes.

KonaCoffeeBean · May 2015

No one is a mind reader, and your loved ones do not know that are in need of help, if you don't tell them. But I also think you may need to adjust your expectations. You mentioned that no one has bought you anything for the baby. Why would they? You and your partner are only people who were involved in the decision to create a new life, and you two are the only people who are reasonable for providing for it,

esampson1983 · May 2015

I agree with PPs. I'm sorry that you feel that people aren't helping but sometimes you just need to be clear with others about what you need.

I have to be very clear with DH about what I need. If my back hurts I don't expect him to automatically rub it; I tell him I need a massage and where to massage.

I know I will need help when DH has training after LO is born so we have already asked my MIL to mark dates on her calendar to come help out.

Communication is key

virginiaunicorn11 · May 2015

As PPs have said, families are all different. But if you haven't done so, get direct. I don't agree with your feeling that you "shouldn't have to ask."

I have a supportive family, but they cannot read my mind, and we
generally try to stay out of each other's way - but we will do
absolutely anything that we are asked. My mother is a great seamstress,
so I have explicitly asked her to make a few things for me (muslin
blankets, a quilt for baby, some nursing scarves). I know she doesn't
mind, and I know she won't offer on her own.

As someone who can be inadvertently thoughtless, I really appreciate
when my loved ones are straightforward with their needs. Or rather, I
don't even need them to say, "I need this help from you" - I just need
them to text or email or call, to get on my radar. Sometimes I will
think about someone every day for many days in a row, before I realize
it has been months since I have reached out - making me a jerk, perhaps,
but we all have busy lives and our own struggles. And communication works two ways.

henrytviii · May 2015

I agree with everyone about asking, the worst that can happen is that they will confirm that they can't or won't help, which is no worse than how you feel now. I've always felt that my family was too far away and too busy with their own lives to come help me but I was facing an induction and expressed some worried about who would help with my son if it took a while or failed and resulted in a c-section. Suddenly everyone was looking at tickets to fly out. They actually seemed disappointed when my complications resolved. I think I've been acting like I don't need or want help for years by never asking. Its childish of me to then complain about a lack of support. Ask. And then focus on the love and support of your friends if your family doesn't come through. Having great friends is an enormous blessing that not everyone enjoys.

rpazzaam · May 2015

If I have to them to do simple things, then it isn't of of sincere kindness. All of the women in my family has had babies, they know what its like to be pregnant with children. They don't know that any of my friends have done anything, I think I just may have to accept that they really don't care. I shouldn't have to gravel to get someone to bake a meal or babysit. Those who are saying"they aren't mind readers" you may not know what its like to have a dysfunctional family where you always have to be moments from dying before they help, but always calling you when they need something. Also as a grandmother it should be an honor to help your child with her children. I just pray that I am better to.my children.

rpazzaam · May 2015

Also I shouldn't have to ask someone to throw a baby shower or to call me and ask if I'm ok. Those kinda things are done out of kindness that you have for that person. Its just hard being on your own, I wish I weren't they only one that's excited about this baby. Ita a very lonely feeling to ask ppl to care about you. Thats not how its supposed to work.

sspyles · May 2015

I understand that you are frustrated. Honestly. But making meals and throwing baby showers are not obligations. No one in my family has done either of these things. They will still show up to help if asked, but everyone is busy and has their own lives. It's not their job to cater to me.

If you have a toxic relationship with you family (which it sounds like), then there are bigger things to worry about than begging them to help. From the sounds of it, your friends have really stepped up. I would lean on them and not worry about family if it meant less stress. Otherwise, I'm not really sure what advice to give you.

47923ang · May 2015

There's nothing in your original post that describes your "dysfunctional family" relationship. I'm truly sorry that you didn't like my answer to ask them for help. Without knowing your family dynamics, I tried to answer based on what I'd do. The best any of us can do is read your post as stated and answer based on that.

virginiaunicorn11 · May 2015

I know I am not really biting my tongue if I have to post this, but... I just want to put it on the record that I am biting my tongue.

sashshak · May 2015

Yeah I know the feeling I have the same crap from my inlaws. No help offer I was in the hospital for 5 weeks and not a call or visit from them. It hurts but in the end you have your precious little one to keep you happy. Good luck and god bless.

KonaCoffeeBean · May 2015

Just a shot in the dark... Maybe they are keeping their distance from you because they are turned off by what they perceive has your atrocious sense of entitlement. You want your family to throw you shower for your third child, really?

lkr004 · May 2015

KonaCoffeeBean said:
Just a shot in the dark... Maybe they are keeping their distance from you because they are turned off by what they perceive has your atrocious sense of entitlement. You want your family to throw you shower for your third child, really?

I love you. @KonaCoffeeBean

Frogger5 · May 2015

. . . and I have to say, friends who are offering to help aren't "strangers." You don't have to make it into an even bigger pity party than it would be without adding that in.

walshbunnie · May 2015

rpazzaam said:
Also I shouldn't have to ask someone to throw a baby shower or to call me and ask if I'm ok. Those kinda things are done out of kindness that you have for that person. Its just hard being on your own, I wish I weren't they only one that's excited about this baby. Ita a very lonely feeling to ask ppl to care about you. Thats not how its supposed to work.

Holy entitlement. And you don't need a baby shower for your third kid. People can be excited for you without buying gifts. A shower is meant to welcome a new mother to motherhood, not refresh your onsie supply.

Cateash77 · May 2015

I do kind of get where you are coming from. And yes no one is obligated to do anything for anyone but at the end of the day, doing nice things for the people we love is what makes relationships work. I do think that you should just say that you'd really like some help, which puts them in the position of having to outright refuse, this will at least work to bring real intentions vs your perceptions out in the open. I have not expected any help from anyone, but have had my lovely SIL offer to help out, but I personially would not expect help. I think some kind of basic involvement at least excitement isn't too to much to expect though. I have had some issues with my MIL, which I discussed in a previous thread, saying that she didn't intend to visit us in hospital and they wouldnt be down to see the baby for a month ( they live a one hour drive away), I knew it was coming and my husband is very angry at her for it...in short I think there are some basic expectations we can have from family and every family is different as to how these are set, dependant on personal history. Don't cut them off though, and really don't let this ruin the rest of your pregnancy, just enjoy it, for yourself and your new family.

rpazzaam · May 2015

I've never been thrown a babyshower, although I've had thrown many for others. If you don't understand you dont have to comment with anything unhelpful. Its not a sense of entitlement if you are expecting a baby, you ARE entitled to one?! Also you are right ppl can be excited without buying things which is what my post was about. I'm allowed to be upset if i feel lonely & forgotten, if you can't sympathize with someone who is clearly upset & hurt don't comment. Its very rude.

rpazzaam · May 2015

Turned off by a perceived sense of entitlement, how would they even know howI feel If they dont call?! The same psychic that is letting them know that is the same one that can remind them to help out their sister or remind them how I was by their side during their time of celebration. Some things you shouldn't have to ask family to do, having a baby is one of those times, clearly you haven't experienced this so you don't get it.

rpazzaam · May 2015

I'm sorry that your in-laws didn't come to your side in your time of need. Pregnancy and labor are hard emotionally and its a sad time to be alone. I hope you are better now and have made it through your illness. You shouldn't have to ask ppl to visit you when you are sick, that's just a given really. I hope your bundle of cuteness is making you smile.

Redlipz · May 2015

I'm sorry but this is a little dramatic. I'm on my third baby, my daughter is 4 and my son is 3. My husband won't take any time off work right after baby is born so I will be on my own. Here's the thing, I decided to have another child, I didn't ask my family if it was ok with them, therefore it's absolutely not their responsibility to help or buy anything. If I need a babysitter then I will take my kids to the babysitter and pay her. I absolutely don't expect anyone to change their day or routine to watch MY kids. If I need or want help then I will say it, if they can help great, if not oh well. You can't expect to have people at your feet just because you are pregnant. And I'm sorry to say but friends (specially online) will offer just to be nosy but won't really show up most of the time.

It's not fair to say your family doesn't care or whatever if you haven't made an effort to even mention to them how you're feeling or asking for help. Hope you can speak up and get an answer FROM them instead of speaking FOR them.

47923ang · May 2015

Unfortunately, you may just have to accept your family the way they are and lower your expectations of them. Some people suck and some people are awesome. It's unlikely that you're going to change your family members' personalities. It sounds like they aren't going to call, aren't going to offer up any help voluntarily, no matter how much you wish they would.

When you accept that this is how they are, you can decide how to proceed with them. You can't change them, but you can control how you react to them. It may mean you choose to directly ask for help. It may mean you choose not to call them in their times of need. It may mean you still help them because it makes you feel good, even knowing they won't return the favor. It may mean you decide to cut them off completely. It's your decision.

virginiaunicorn11 · May 2015

rpazzaam said:
I've never been thrown a babyshower, although I've had thrown many for others. If you don't understand you dont have to comment with anything unhelpful. Its not a sense of entitlement if you are expecting a baby, you ARE entitled to one?! Also you are right ppl can be excited without buying things which is what my post was about. I'm allowed to be upset if i feel lonely & forgotten, if you can't sympathize with someone who is clearly upset & hurt don't comment. Its very rude.

QFP. It's not a sense of entitlement if you ARE entitled!

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