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Starting to feel resentment

riamarie24riamarie24 member
in Blended Families
So life has been pretty stressful lately and I feel really bad because I'm starting to resent my boyfriend's 14 year old son. (Warning! Long rant) My boyfriend and his son moved in with me and my 5 year old daughter just over a year ago. Before they moved in, his son and I got along really well but things have changed since they moved in and have changed even more since we found out I'm pregnant (I'm currently 11 weeks). When they moved in his son started borrowing things from me for example one of those little portable speakers for your phone and things like that. At first it didn't bother me but after awhile he started taking other things without asking ( such as my iPad). His father and I both sat down and talked to him about taking things without asking but he continued to do so. This has been a constant arguement since then, that along with having to deal with the fact he can not keep his room or the bathroom, that he shares with my daughter, clean. He leaves dirty clothes and empty shampoo bottles and tissues all over. It's disgusting. We've tried everything to get him to stop these behaviors, taking away his phone, grounding him, etc. Nothing works and it seems like his attitude is only getting worse. Well the other day I reached my breaking point. I've began hiding my things so he doesn't take them. Well I went to get one of these hidden items and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally looked in his room and there it was. I was so mad, not only about the fact he continues to take my things without asking but the fact that he now is going through my things. I told my boyfriend and he was just as upset as I was. My boyfriend said he would deal with it, so I went to work. While I was at work my boyfriend and his son got into a huge fight and his son ended up telling my boyfriend that since I've came into their lives, I've ruined their relationship. Now my boyfriend feels guilty. I'm at a complete loss. I try my best with his son. I go to all his school games, help buy him his sports equipment, give him rides where ever he needs to go. I've dealt with him disrespecting me since they moved in, and I've done my best to keep a smile on my face about all of this. All I've asked of him is that he please respect my things and my privacy and to respect the other people in this house with keeping the bathroom clean. He's 14y/o I don't think that it's too harsh to ask him to do these things. And I work 3 graveyards a week (6p-6a) and on those nights my boyfriend has told me he is always asking his son to do things with him and his son has refused. We always include his son in all our plans. In fact many times, we makes plans around the things his son wants to do. I don't know what to think nor what to do. I don't understand why I'm suddenly getting the blame for all this.
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Re: Starting to feel resentment

  • FinallyHappy84FinallyHappy84 member
    Welcome! I'm sorry you're going through a rough time.
    Where is BF's son's mom in all of this? Does BF ever just spend one on one with his son?
    Remember that his son is a teenager that is going to act out. He also may not be used to having other children in the household especially if he's been the only child for both his parents and you're going to take the blame because some of his dad's attention is being taken away off him and put towards you and your daughter and now a sibling for him.
    While things may be moving slow for you it may be more for him. It would probably be a good idea to get him into some therapy to express what he's feeling appropriately and learn good coping mechanisms.
    However all of this doesn't condone his behavior of being blatantly disrespectful to you and his own dad. I don't know of any disciplinary actions to take besides what you've been doing. You could always keep his cell phone and he can only have it for two hours a day or just limit all his freedoms he's given if he's done what's been asked of him around the house, stayed out of your things, etc.
    Make sure that you and BF are on the same page and try not to build resentment because it will only hurt you. Take walks and remember to do things that you like, spend time with your family doing fun activities, and enjoy your pregnancy.
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  • l4rkl4rk member
    I have a SS too, and things aren't always easy. Some quick solutions:

    1. Designate a "Father/Son" night where the two of them HAVE to go out and do something for 2-3 hours. Golf, swimming, a walk in the park, ice cream, movies--whatever they want (the actual activity chosen is optional - the participation is not). This serves two purposes: they get to bond, and you get to be without your SS! 

    2. Visit your parents/a friend for a sleepover, and leave the kids behind!

    3. Take an evening "off"; go to your room, lock the door and read a book (or watch a movie).

    These are all things that I do when my SS starts to really grate my nerves, and the time apart seems to really help. It sounds like your BF is really supportive, so he should be willing to help you out with these things. In our household, I reciprocate by taking over the parenting role to let him play squash or go to the occasional party with his friends. 

    In the long term, try coming up with reward systems that encourage the behaviour you want. For example, my step son automatically gets $5 week for allowance but ONLY if his bathroom and room are clean. Then he can earn another $5 through various chores. I like the contributions, and he likes the money. It took awhile for him to get into this because his dad used to just give him $10 a week for doing nothing, but he fully adapted to the new order of things within a few months. Now it's never been easier to get the dishwasher unloaded! ;)

    And when all else fails, just remind yourself that teenagers are selfish and flawed, and you're doing the best you can with a tough situation. Stepkids are always a challenge. Shed the guilt and be kind to yourself!


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  • l4rkl4rk member
    Oh, and PS: I have resented my SS from time to time. The feeling passes eventually. Just hang in there!
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