My Mom

noodlienoodles · May 2015

Im paranoid that one of my family members is going to find this post and be able to tell its me, so I did a DD. Sorry, ya'll.

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

Our situations, though not similar, kind of require the same solution: talking to her. You're going to have to tell her flat-out how you feel and what you're thinking. If you never discussed her watching the baby overnight, now is the time to have that discussion. Let her know that you aren't comfortable with her watching the baby overnight at her house. Tell her you don't mind her visiting, but to please check with you first about how often and when she visits because you're still recuperating and are feeling overwhelmed by her many visits.

My MIL is always asking if I'm going to be home (obviously I will be) and then just decides she's coming over. Doesn't bother to tell us what time because it doesn't matter to her, she does what she wants and doesn't seem to respect our home or our time. She buys tons of stuff for the baby so I feel bad, but she's smothers her sons and she's starting to make me feel smothered. Not to mention she tries to take over whenever we're all together and doesn't let me just be his mom. She always has to try to be his mom! It's getting annoying.

I think we both need to talk about how we feel and remind them both that we are the mothers and we need to be comfortable with leaving the baby with someone before we just do it. If she understands, then great. But if she doesn't, she has no choice but to do as you ask because ultimately, you are that child's mother. You look out for your baby's best interests and she has to respect that. Best of luck!

mamaskittles09 · May 2015

Your situation and mine seem very similar. Personally, I feel that the time for my mothers attitude and attempt to be a part of my life should have been much, much sooner and her efforts now come far too late. I feel obligated to allow her into my life due to her showering me with gifts I didn't know how to turn away.

Eventually, I think we just need to be as honest with our feelings as possible while being conscientious of our mothers feelings. Explain that you are your LO's mother and appreciate that she wants to be a part of your child's life, but you need to have your space and will allow her more time with her grandbaby when you're ready.

Most of the time I think, I owe this woman absolutely nothing. But I ask myself. Would I want my daughter to hold me accountable for my mistakes my whole life? I won't make my mothers mistakes but I might make some of my own. And I would hope she forgives me when I do.

mamaskittles09 · May 2015

^^sorry for the long post lol. I just felt like I could relate to you in many ways! Good luck!

noodlienoodles · May 2015

@SharLovesAlex I really do need to put my big girl panties on and let her know that she won't be having any over nights with my daughter. I have to be careful though because she's super dramatic and emotional. It's really frustrating.

@mamaskittles09 Thank you for sharing! Unfortunately, although I care for my mom as a person, I just don't have any mother-daughter feelings for her. So, it's not like I'm holding a grudge for what she did. It hurts me to say that because it hurts her in a deep level, but it's the truth. You're right about holding her accountable for her mistakes her whole life though. I want to set a good example for my daughter, so I will continue to keep things cordial. Plus, I wouldn't want to deny my daughter the love of a grandma!

KD32412 · May 2015

@noodlienoodles You don't really NEED to tell her anything. She can buy whatever she wants for her house, assuming baby will use them, but doesn't mean you must do anything she asks of you. Isn't it interesting how becoming a parent changes your relationship with your own parents?

SharLovesAlex · May 2015

noodlienoodles said:
@SharLovesAlex I really do need to put my big girl panties on and let her know that she won't be having any over nights with my daughter. I have to be careful though because she's super dramatic and emotional. It's really frustrating.

You don't have to go into the stuff from your past with her if you don't want to. Even if that is affecting your decisions, all she needs to know is you're not comfortable with your baby sleeping over at her place! If you don't feel like dredging up the past with her, don't! You have a great future as a mom ahead of you. If she wants to buy gifts, and you don't mind accepting them for baby, go ahead. But if you want her to scale back on the visits, tell her (in a nice way) that you value your alone time with the baby. Of course you don't have to use these exact words, I just mean tell her how you feel. Or else she's just going to keep at it until you can't stand it anymore and you say something you ordinarily wouldn't have! Good luck!

mamaskittles09 · May 2015

SharLovesAlex said:

noodlienoodles said:
@SharLovesAlex I really do need to put my big girl panties on and let her know that she won't be having any over nights with my daughter. I have to be careful though because she's super dramatic and emotional. It's really frustrating.
You don't have to go into the stuff from your past with her if you don't want to. Even if that is affecting your decisions, all she needs to know is you're not comfortable with your baby sleeping over at her place! If you don't feel like dredging up the past with her, don't! You have a great future as a mom ahead of you. If she wants to buy gifts, and you don't mind accepting them for baby, go ahead. But if you want her to scale back on the visits, tell her (in a nice way) that you value your alone time with the baby. Of course you don't have to use these exact words, I just mean tell her how you feel. Or else she's just going to keep at it until you can't stand it anymore and you say something you ordinarily wouldn't have! Good luck!

She said it great! It would probably not do well to dredge up the past. Just tell her what your comfortable with. She will have to accept that.

Christina80xoxo · May 2015

I agree that you don't have to bring up the old stuff. My mother was a drug addict,prostituted, it was bad. I have 8 brothers and sisters. Only one sister is from the same dad. I'm the oldest. The youngest is 5. She put me through so much, but she was gone more than she was around. Now she wants to be a grandma. My way of dealing with her (and other relatives who are loving and wonderful but overwhelming ) is to just do what I want.
They want the baby overnight, or whatever. I just tell them ... This is what I'm doing, how would you like to be included in that? It's not so bad that way. Everyone understands my wants and needs, and I appreciate their help but this is my kid. I don't tell my mom I don't trust her, I just don't leave my kids with her. When she offers I simply say "I'll let you know" It's worked for us. Bringing up old stuff for me brings up feelings that I really don't want to re-live. My advice is to just start from today and leave the past in the past.
My dad wasn't the greatest dad, but he's an excellent grandpa and our relationship now that I'm an adult is awesome. People do live and learn and I'm a firm believer people can change. You know her, you know if she will be a good grandma and if she will take good care of your little one. Good luck

noodlienoodles · May 2015

Oh, I have no interest in bringing up the past! Sorry if I had worded it that way. I just wanted to give a bit of background...

@Christina80xoxo I like your idea about letting people choose how they want to be involved in a controlled situation. Well, at least people that I want somewhat distanced.

Thank you for all the help and support on such a touchy topic, everyone!

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