Hormonal fiancé, I need an unbiased panel UPDATE

Knottie16832459 · May 2015

I know better at this point, I'll get upset and it's just hormones, so I need to take this to the masses and see if I should be upset.

I've been feeling quite neglected lately, we got engaged early this year and were so disgustingly happy after that. Once I found out I'm pregnant though, it's like I'm a roommate in here. No excitement, minimal sympathy, it's been a month since I said I'm good for sex...and READY

but he doesn't want it now. No more cuddling, no more fun nights, he stopped kissing me before leaving for work. Then this happens...
I wrote a love note, and I'm not the mushy type so it was a big deal, and hid it in his lunch cooler shortly after the engagement. He found it, loved it, kept it there ever since but last night he came home and threw it away. I saw it in the trash this morning.
Cast your vote, hormones or justified?

UPDATE
Update: My 11 year old sick cat started bleeding out this morning, because I needed something else to tug at my emotions... He held my hand through the vet, very sweet when we had to make the call, and came home and cleaned up all her fur and stuff before I came in and being totally sweet. I think he's just as odd with emotions as I am.

stephaniemsander · May 2015

Could be just a man thing. They don't think like we do. Maybe it wasn't personal.

LiveNLove44 · May 2015

It's really hard to know based on what you shared. I've been married for 5 and with DH for 10, and we go through times where I feel like a roommate, too. Sometimes I wish it was just easy like it used to be, but that's why marriage and love are a choice, not just a magical feeling. I don't believe so much in falling in and out of love. I believe that marriage and love take work, like prioritizing one another's needs and making the relationship #1. My parents have been married for 35 years and have been members of Marriage Encounter for most of those years. I've learned a lot through watching them grow in their marriage.

With regard to the note situation, it is hard to say if I'd be upset because I don't know the context. Was he mad and you fought, so he threw it away in frustration? Maybe he's ready for a new love note? I try not to assume, although I do it, too, that DH is intentionally making me feel isolated. I try to remember that my pregnancy is an adjustment for him, too. When we were expecting DD, DH went through some challenges in dealing with becoming a dad/growing up a little. I think the stress of the unknown was far more challenging than the actual transition. Did you talk to him about it? Let him know that it bummed you out and you're feeling like the two of you need to get a little spark back. Plan a fun day or evening date for the two of you! I hope it goes well

Knottie16832459 · May 2015

@LiveNLove44 Good point, here's more. He's already a dad, a 3 year old that lives with us. He hasn't had to cope with anything except that he lost a drinking buddy. He keeps forgetting I can't drink anymore and gets upset and says I'm boring now. He's excited when family is over, so proud to brag about it, but if I throw up he rolls his eyes or says I just ate too much if he acknowledges it at all like I'm not actually going through something. I get upset that he's hogging the bed and I can't lay like I used to...so I have to get up and go to the couch, he swears he isn't rolling on top of me (I'm 100lbs, he's 200lbs, it hurts!). I'm divorced, I know it's work and that's why I want it. I want a relationship I can take pride in and enjoy for the rest of my life and grow from the experiences, not a temporary easy fling, those crash and burn. I didn't get upset when it got less glamorous, I didn't give up when he got distant, but I'm entitled to be upset while working on it...if it's justified. I just can't make that call right now.

LiveNLove44 · May 2015

I would probably feel pretty hurt and sad about it. I know DH does things at times that make me feel isolated or like I'm in this alone. I think your frustration and sadness is totally justified, and it's worth talking with him about it. Are you two going to do any classes together? It's tough because he already has one child, so maybe he'll feel like he knows everything he needs to know, but I really felt like it helped DH and I get on the same page. It meant a lot for him to hear what I'd been saying all along from a third party. It seemed like something clicked for him. That's not to say that this doesn't happen to us once in awhile, but it did make it easier to talk through when it would come up.

mishala12 · May 2015

I would go postal! Im extremely hormonal though so don't count me in your vote.

CCasey2015 · May 2015

There definitely seems like there is an issue that needs to be addressed before it goes any further.

tate62610 · May 2015

This would upset me. I'm sorry you're in a rough patch right now

J1D · May 2015

I would be upset. But if I've learned anything about boys, the note on the trash could be that he spilled something on it or it got crumpled or messed up somehow so he just tossed it and there is no deeper meaning to it. In my experience men certainly can be deep and complex but frequently they are really transparent and simple and we over complicate and read way too much into their actions. I'd just talk to him. A quick, hey I saw you tossed your note? What's up? Could maybe clear everything up in a matter of seconds.

dchiapella · May 2015

First off, I'm sorry you're in this spot. It's tough, I know. Honestly? It sounds like he's really scared and instead of dealing with it he's being a typical guy and pushing the problem away and unfortunately he's projecting the issues onto you and pushing you away. My husband is a master at this and it took a long time to figure out how to handle and there are some times I still don't know. You have to think, he has a 3 year old son. This means he's gone through this (pregnancy, prepping for a baby) with someone in the past and it didn't work out for some reason or another and there are wounds there that he's probably never acknowledged, let alone dealt with. He also was probably excited to take that next leap which is marriage and now it's not marriage but marriage and a baby... that's a lot to process. He probably is just spinning his wheels and is very conflicted in his emotions and therefore is not handling it very well and you're the closest person to him, the person he trusts the most... sorry to say but that's the person we usually lash out at because we know they'll love us unconditionally. You guys definitely need to talk, but in the mean time, try to understand the position he's in because that will offer a lot of solace and will make you feel like you can breath and take this one step at a time. Again, sorry you're going through this. I just recently got to the other side of it myself.

mrscookiequeen · May 2015

All hormones.. as a pregnant woman.. we feel like we need extra love and extra attention and extra care etc etc. He probably hasn't even noticed anything has changed. You and me of course needing the extra love.. notice it. Men also don't save sentimental things.. Ever!! On our wedding day I got my husband this really sweet card that he got before the ceremony.. he of course.. not even a post it.. I found the card in the bottom of a box of junk from our old house. You can't expect for a man to be like a woman.. but you can demand attention. I just stare at my husband til I get it!

jts2015 · May 2015

Awww, I'm sorry about your cat. Men are just hard to understand !! Plain and simple! Lol. Wish they came with a manual. They can be sweet and caring when you least expect them to be and when you want them to be, they aren't. Most important is that he was there for you and your cat so imagine how he'll be when the baby arrives.

Boonhilde · May 2015

Having a baby is so stressful. I suggest getting some date nights.

My hubs was a mess during our first pregnancy. We lost the baby, and then got pregnant again two months later. I'm not glad it happened, but it helped us realize we really DID want a baby. The second pregnancy (that resulted in our son) went a lot smoother. He just needs to come to terms and figure out that it's wonderful and not all the giant-stress-ball it seems. (I mean it's STRESSFUL but it also rocks.)

Louisl · May 2015

The eye rolling and saying you're boring now needs to stop. That's not ok. He needs to be more emotionally supportive no matter what he's going through.

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