Mother in Law problems...

siempre595 · May 2015

I'm sure there's 500 threads on this. But looking for a fresh view.

I have a normal father in law and a mother in law who tries much too hard. She is VERY involved in her sons' lives. She calls and asks all kinds of silly questions of them every day "what did you eat today?…did you drive in the rain?…what the temperature there?" Like she is just searching for ANYTHING to talk about with them.

So I'm pregnant with twins that are the first grandkids on both sides. My parents are very conservative, private, hands off type people. I was raised that way. I do not desire a close relationship with my mother in law, i'm fine with politeness, normal social respect, I don't wish to share details of my life with her. She wants ALL the details. "how much weight have you gained? (who asks that?)…"is the uterus dilated?? (i think she meant cervix…), are the twins in your family (they are IVF, we did not tell them) etc". I'm very uncomfortable with this level of personal detail. I'm actually a doctor, and I'm uncomfortable with talking about my medical history/issues with anyone but my doctor or very close female friends, it's simply not her business.

Well now we are nearing delivery (35 weeks). I'm scheduled for c-section due to malpositioning at this point and have made the personal decision that I do not want to go for a vaginal delivery even if they somehow both turn head down. Again, I'm a physician, I'm very well informed and have read the literature, I've made my decision. So we have a delivery date unless I go earlier. My husband told his parents "why don't you come about 4-5 days later when we are home please" he has told them about three times. Yesterday she called and made a comment about booking a flight one day before the scheduled c-section date. Sigh. I knew this was coming. He reiterated to her that the correct date was 4-5 days after the scheduled surgery to give us time to be with the babies and to get home and to let me recover a bit. I know from friends how hard a c-section is, I know how hard having a baby is (I've helped many friends out post delivery, including in the immediate "this is not pretty" time period), and I know how hard breastfeeding is. I know I'm going to need help and I do not see my mother in law as helpful, she's intrusive and keeps telling my husband she needs to be there to "experience this". This is about her having her grandparent experience, not about helping out. I want a few days to recover with my husband and my mom helping me. I'm not asking for them to stay away for 6 months or even 3 weeks. I'm asking for a few days. I am extremely uncomfortable with my in laws being in my hospital room when i'm postpartum, bleeding, trying to pee, whipping out my boob to feed, trying to not lose my marbles and avoid bursting into tears. I cannot understand how my mother in law can be so selfish as to not remember how hard the first few days are and respect my wishes. Today she called and again said they are coming early. But they will "not come into my room, they will just go to the nursery and hold the babies." Basically, trying to get around me and spend time with the babies when the babies should be primarily spending time with my husband and me. First off, the hospital doesn't do this. There is no "nursery" where babies park and family can visit. They go to the mom's room unless the mom is ill, then they go to the nursery but no visitors can go in there except in special situations. So this isn't an option, they aren't going to allow this. Second, I'm starting to just get really pissed. I get that she is excited and wants to see her grandkids. But this is not her day and I really need her to back off and give me some space. My husband keep saying "don't worry she won't be there til we say ok, she's not gonna just show up…" I'm not sure I believe that.

SIGH. What can I do at this point? I"m not trying to be rude or deprive her of anything, but these are my children and I'd like to be allowed a few days on my own terms to be with them before she gets in there and starts to take over and tell me everything to do her way…i know it's gonna happen. I think we need to set boundaries now and I don't know how else to do it except to say "you are welcome to come once we are home from the hospital." I do not want to turn into a witch who has to say "you are not welcome at the hospital and if you show up there i will have you removed".

Frogger5 · May 2015

Yikes. I think you need to ensure that your husband actually tells his mom, "we love you and know you're excited, but we are serious that we don't want you to come until after we are settled at home." I wouldn't buy the "they won't just show up" BS, either! That plane ticket didn't buy itself

. I really hope she doesn't put you in the position of barring her from the hospital - maybe your H could mention that, too. "Don't make this get uncomfortable, please listen to what we're saying." GL!

pixieprincss · May 2015

It sounds like you and your DH are on the same page and comfortable setting boundaries if I am reading this right. If so, great! So, here's the thing: your MIL is welcome to buy a plane ticket for whenever she wants, and you are welcome to let her meet the babies whenever you want. I don't mean that in a mean way about her buying the ticket, just as a reminder that we can never control another person, just our (hopefully kind but firm) response to them.

I would let DH continue to handle it with something like, "Mom, that is so great that you are willing to play for a plane ticket to come and visit! We so appreciate your generosity and love. As I mentioned, the first day available to spend time with us and the babies will be Month, Day at X location (a visit at your house, I'm assuming). Do you want to move your ticket to another day or will you be entertaining yourself in the city until that day?"

In the meanwhile, Henry Cloud has some great books on boundaries. Deborah Tannen has some great books about communication. "You're Wearing That" is about mother-daughter communication, but I found it applied with in-law relationships, too. It helped me hear the kind sentiment behind the words even when the words themselves could be perceived as abrasive or judgmental.

siempre595 · May 2015

It's an interesting idea to just let them show up locally but tell them we are not taking visitors until we are home. But I think it may end up getting ugly. I think she will try to bust in there and just tell my husband "this is what's right and we aren't bothering anyone". Then ill be forced to ask them to leave and respect my personal space and they are being inappropriate. I hate confrontation but I will do it. This is seriously a woman asking me about my cervix measurement. She has no boundaries. I'm trying to head it off ahead of time without fireworks.

CatsAreShady · May 2015

Have you spoken to her directly about it?

It seems like she might not be "hearing" your husband because that's her son and her level of involvement to this point. You Will probably have to be very firm with her. What about your father in law, what does he say? Maybe your DH should try talking to him to find out.

siempre595 · May 2015

Per usual my fil is just kind "going along" with what mil wants. He's the passive one. I don't know that my husband has even talked to him about this. They know that my dad will not be in town for the delivery and probably will not see the babies until we travel to him months later. They don't seem to think this is odd but yet asking them to wait a few days is.
I have not spoken to her. We usually have my husband deal with planning things with them. She has a heavy accent and I have issues understanding her via phone sometimes. I'm at the point though that I will deal with it myself and would have yesterday if the phone conversation hadn't taken place while I was driving down a major highway. I think my husband thinks this is her norm and we all just have to continue to accept it. Usually I ignore her ridiculous questions or don't respond to them or brush them off with one word answers. But I can't really avoid her actual presence in a place that I feel she doesn't belong and will have to address it.

PrimRoseMama · May 2015

Tell your nurses ! Have your husband help, but other then that you might just have to let it roll off your back. You will have so much going on that honestly your MIL will be last on the list. Tell the NICU/nursery personel that only the parents are allowed in to see the babies. They will not mind bouncing for you.

If your MIL bitches you can just say "oh sorry! It's hospital rules" /shrug. The staff is ok getting the blame.

PrimRoseMama · May 2015

What nationality and/or culture is your MIL from?

saric83 · May 2015

Ugh.....I think you've played nice long enough. Whether it's you or your DH (preferably him), someone needs to call her tonight and be nice, of course, but completely blunt with, "It's a secured floor at the hospital, and no visitors will be allowed in as there is no nursery to visit. You can certainly come by the house on X-day, so we'll see you then." End of conversation.

While not quite as bad, we're having a similar situation with all four sets of our parents, and we made the blanket rule that no one will be allowed at the hospital. They've all made it clear they don't want to follow that rule, so we're not planning to tell anyone when I go into labor or anything until we leave the hospital.

Obviously, that ship has sailed with you guys since you know the exact date. But while I wouldn't advocate lying, if you both really hit a wall with her, you could always lie and say the date for the c-section was pushed back. It's sneaky and feels gross to need to do that, but maybe it's worth considering.......

CatsAreShady · May 2015

This will be the first of many boundary battles you will face as a mother. I suggest that you start off as you intend to continue. Get in the habit now of doing what you feel is best. People will push boundaries because they want to do what they want to do. Don't count on others getting the hint or having common sense. If you let this slide, the next battle will be that much harder because you already let them have their way. I know I might sound aggressive but I've had to fight to maintain boundaries regarding my kids. Childbirth is the one time that you get to have things go your way as much as is possible. You are the one having the baby and your comfort and wishes should be the top priority.

finchfeeder80 · May 2015

I don't know about your hospital, but with mine, L&D and post-partum are behind locked doors. No one can come back without your permission. There's no "barging in" to worry about, because unless the nurse's station buzzes you in, there's no way to get in. You have to pick up a phone in front of the entry doors to even speak to someone. Basically, if it's an area where babies are, it's restricted access. When my brother had his kids, he had to meet me outside and escort me in. You should see if your hospital has anything similar. It doesn't alleviate the problem all together, but at least you can give birth in peace knowing that no one you don't want there can get in.

siempre595 · May 2015

For the person above who asked, my MIL is Chinese. My FIL is white, my husband is half obviously, raised entirely in the US and identifies as Caucasian. He does however say things like "well she's Asian so this is how she is and we all just have to put up with it." I realize there is a cultural difference in social norms but there is also common courtesy which I think is lacking here. She has said and done things that seemed extreme/odd to me in the past (invited over 100 people to our wedding when the venue only held 100 total and we told them they could not invite that many and my family paid for the wedding, luckily most of these people did not come; showed up at my brother-in-law's college graduation wearing a clown costume…i don't even know what to say about that…attention seeking?). She does some crazy stuff that makes no sense to me at all, but we all just "put up with it." Most the time, it doesn't affect me and I just brush off the weirdness (sometimes i have to laugh at the ridiculousness) and go about my business. This time it directly affects me.

She has previously told me that when my FIL had cancer (over a decade ago) he had a major surgery and his parents showed up uninvited/unannounced. It was very stressful for her as they were elderly and she felt she had to host them in addition to caring for her husband. Ultimately she snapped and asked them to leave and the "relationship was heavily strained after that". I feel like she is bordering on doing the same thing here. Except I AM inviting them, just a few days later than she desires and I've made clear they will need to be staying in hotel as there is not space in our house and I am not going to be in condition to "host" them. The expectations seem clear. She is just choosing to ignore them or try to go around them as she doesn't like them.

abmommy15 · May 2015

All you can do is tell her your wishes, if she wants to book a flight early then I guess she will have to find something to do with her time. Tell the nursing staff that under no circumstances do you want visitors admitted and they will do the dirty work for you. A friend of mine is a labour and delivery nurse and she seriously says that the best part of her day is when she gets to bounce unwelcome visitors. As for when you get home, not sure if you want visitors right away but if not disconnect your doorbell and just don't answer the door. My cousin did this with her MIL who was a total nightmare. The MIL stood on the doorstep knocking for about 10 mins and eventually went away. When she bitched at my cousin about it she just said "oh sorry we weren't expecting visitors as we told everyone we wanted a week at home alone. We were probably sleeping and didn't hear you". Not much crazy MIL could say to that

hopanka · May 2015

I guess I don't see the reason why you would not let your MIL see the babies in the hospital. I just don't see why you are so hung up on this power struggle. It's not unusual for people to meet their grandchildren while in the hospital, many people do it. I certainly let my mom meet my son while still in the hospital. Guess what, it's not always this drama that you made up in your head. I certainly did not experience any of these meltdowns you are describing. Who told you this nonsense? Yes- you are learning to breastfeed, but it's like anything else - you just troubleshoot, ask for help from the LC if needed, but mostly it's kind of boring while in the hospital and guests can make the time go by actually. You can keep the visit short and sweet, no big deal - away from feeding time. Grandparents get excited, not the end of the world to let them come in for half an hour, bring you flowers and meet the babies. Seriously, lighten up.

rklinge0 · May 2015

Could you possibly change the c section date and not let family members the exact date? Or give a 3 day window?
I am probably going to be induced by the end of the month due to health concerns, and I told dh that when they set the date not to let either side know the exact date.
I understand your wanting to be private and spending time with the new babies to bond as a new family.

ariejsmom · May 2015

It seems more like if YOUR mother is going to be there then his should be allowed too. You don't have to host them and you and your husband can keep visits in the hospital short. Im not really seeing this as an issue other than you making it one. She may be a lot more helpful than you are giving her credit for. I know as a woman we want our mothers there but it is not right to let yours be there when they are born and not let his.

delujm0 · May 2015

I can see why your MIL thinks it's a bit unfair that your mom gets to meet the babies immediately and she doesn't. They are just as much her grandkids as they are your mom's no matter how you feel about your MIL.

It's difficult that she lives far enough away that a flight is necessary but can't you compromise? Maybe let her come to the hospital for a very brief visit and then return to your house at a future date? My in laws are coming for the birth for just a day or two, knowing that my mom will be staying with us for 1-2 weeks after we get home. When she leaves they are going to come back for a long weekend. It's their grandkid too after all. And really MIL loves to clean so I could probably have her move in full time and not even mind. ;-)

siempre595 · May 2015

I think you have to know her to understand my concerns. There's a lot of criticism. A lot of nagging. A lot of stress and passive aggressive commenting that she carries with her. I just would like to have a pleasant few days with the babies before i have to handle that. My husband and his brother call her the "hurricane"...and frequently make jokes about "take cover here comes the hurricane". It's become a joke but yet there's a ring of truth to it. She does not intend to make a 30 minute visit. She intends to stay at the hospital the entire day into the evening. She already told my husband this. He told her this would not be ok, as I'll be very tired and the babies will also need a break from visitors, there will be feeding breaks, etc. Her response was "I will cry if you try to make me leave before I want to". Again I feel like I have to accommodate her despite being the person who just gave birth.
To me at least once we are home, even if she insists on staying the entire day, I can go into my bedroom and shut the door and get a break for a bit.
I feel like the delivery has become more about accommodating her wants than about the babies. So yes there is most definitely a power struggle going on. I think they've lost the focus of this. It's not them and their "grandparent experience".
My moms personality is very different. She asked us if we wanted her to come, she asked when she should come, she asked if she should get a hotel room, etc. She did not TELL us how this is gonna go down. I actually don't consider myself terribly close to my mom, we've had our ups and downs. But she respects my limits. If I ask her to leave, she'll leave and won't take it personally. If I tell her I disagree with her on whatever topic she'll shrug and be like ok whatever. She's much more easy going. I'm very private. And if I'd had a choice I probably would have only had my husband there with me, but he may have to go back to work the next day and I do need some help. I'm headstrong independent and it pains me greatly to admit that I might need help.

I think I am envisioning a semi pleasant calm post delivery few days. I realize anything can happen and usually does. But inviting in the hurricane into this just isn't on my list of immediate post delivery fun. I just want a bit of space.

Also the flight is a non issue for them. They travel internationally on a regular basis and have a pension deal with an airline so it's very low cost.

KateLouise · May 2015

I'm a big believer in your behaviour having consequences. If your MIL's behaviour is such that you know she'll camp out in your hospital room all day and be intrusive and critical, then the natural consequence of that, if that she's not invited into that space.

If she gets upset by that consequence then she needs to reconsider her behaviour.

It's all very well your DH and BIL making jokes about MIL, but this is one of those situations where you need to set a boundary (and the easiest boundary to enforce seems to be not to allow her into the hospital room, as getting her to leave sounds like it will be a huge drama) and stick to it. I get the sense that your DH gets that, so you just need to be a united front and enforce this boundary when the time comes.

Best wishes to you.

ChrissyluvsPuppies · May 2015

You have a right to have who you want or don't want in the hospital room. It's not a matter of fairness to others but fairness to your recovery.

Personally, I feel the same way about my mom and she's not invited. My MIL would be if she were able to because she's supportive.

Katerina&Baby · May 2015

OP - remember, the nurses are your friends! Tell them "look, my MIL is coming for a visit but once she's here it's going to be impossible for me to make her leave when I'm tired or want to feed the babies - do you think you could make a note to come by at Z o'clock and make up some reason that all visitors need to leave?" Nurses are tough and won't give two f's if your MIL throws a hissy fit. Other than that, you should make sure that your hubby is completely on board with what you need - and if that's saying "nobody is staying with us at our house until X date", then that's what needs to happen and MIL will just have to find hotel accommodations if she unilaterally decides to come early. Stand your ground - it sounds like she is a very difficult and selfish person when it comes to getting her way so I don't envy you one bit.

AnonymousMom · May 2015

Hmm I can relate to a lot of this...I'm also a female physician in my third trimester. Blessedly we haven't had the additional stress of infertility and have been able to conceive when we've been able to coordinate both of our call schedules around ovulation schedules. This has not always a completely easy task in and of itself but we both realize and appreciate that it could have been much more difficult.

I also have a MIL who definitely has a lot of insecurity issues and uses passive aggression/ emotional blackmail to try to control her son as a result. On one level, I really do have sympathy and compassion for her because I'm sure her life has not been easy but even that gets complicated because, well, I love her son and she treats him so poorly. I have more tolerance for her little tantrums that are directed at me because I just kind of take them with an entire shaker of salt, remind myself that I can only control my own behavior and move on. I have the emotional distance to do this because she isn't my mother. My poor husband doesn't have that so I try to be supportive and extend much grace. It helps that we're both on the same page about this and we're both in agreement that she will never spend any time with our kids unless we're both there. That is just kind of the reality of a bare minimum safety standard where she is concerned. I know it may sound melodramatic but it truly isn't.

In your situation, if you and your husband are on the same page about her coming after you're home then I would stand your ground. Generally, I tend to believe that spouses should be the primary communicator for their family but I do think when there is a lot of emotional blackmail and passive aggression at play sometimes there is benefit to allowing the spouse with the less than functional family a bit of respite. Of course if your MIL is really boundary challenged then she will probably not take no for an answer so it will be a scenario where you tell her no and she goes to your husband to try to get the answer she wants. We often explain reality in triplicate (husband says no, she calls me to cry/whine--I say no, she calls back husband to scream he stands firm) with my MIL and then sometimes just ensure that reality is reality and, yes, it does really stink for my husband so definitely remember to be compassionate with your husband if this is also your reality.

I will also say that I agree with others that just keeping her away from the hospital is the way to go since she has pretty much guaranteed she will have a tantrum if she doesn't get her way.

Best wishes for healthy, screaming, and pink babies!

saric83 · May 2015

hopanka said:
I guess I don't see the reason why you would not let your MIL see the babies in the hospital. I just don't see why you are so hung up on this power struggle. It's not unusual for people to meet their grandchildren while in the hospital, many people do it. I certainly let my mom meet my son while still in the hospital. Guess what, it's not always this drama that you made up in your head. I certainly did not experience any of these meltdowns you are describing. Who told you this nonsense? Yes- you are learning to breastfeed, but it's like anything else - you just troubleshoot, ask for help from the LC if needed, but mostly it's kind of boring while in the hospital and guests can make the time go by actually. You can keep the visit short and sweet, no big deal - away from feeding time. Grandparents get excited, not the end of the world to let them come in for half an hour, bring you flowers and meet the babies. Seriously, lighten up.

I think this approach is great in theory, depending upon your family. If they'll respect your request of short visits, awesome! Anyone can be handled in small doses. But that's not the reality for everyone, so t's not about lightening up. It's about understanding your own personal family dynamics and setting appropriate boundaries within them. Yours might just be limiting the length of visit, and others might be limiting the dates of the visits.

mg3440 · May 2015

I'm sorry for your situation. I wouldn't want my MIL in the delivery room either or at my home immediately afterwards. My own mom will come a few days after the birth (both parents live far away), and MIL has graciously accepted this. I think it's totally normal to want your own mom in the delivery room and not your MIL, especially when you don't have an optimal relationship with MIL. It's not "unfair" to ask her to wait while allowing your mom access. She's being super unfair to you by not letting you control your own birthing experience and protect your own sense of bodily integrity. Ugh, she sounds impossible. Husband needs to level with MIL, and if he isn't getting it done, then you need to pick up the phone and tell it to her straight. It doesn't sound like DH is getting the message through by himself, so you need to take charge. Then, just to make sure there are no doubts, you need to tell FIL the SAME THING so MIL doesn't deny that the conversation happened.

She'll get over it. If not, it's not your problem. Stress that there will be plenty of time for her to enjoy the twins...after you've had 4 days to recover in peace and privacy.

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