Scared

3llisboc · May 2015

Now I only have 5 weeks to go, I'm getting more and more terrified of delivery and just becoming a parent in general. I cant wait to meet my son but I kind of wish I had more time left to become more prepared. Every time I'm alone I start thinking about everything and ending up in tears, Im terrified of going into labour, terrified incase I need an emergency c section and epidural, I had scoliosis as a child and still have a 17 degree curve in my back and it causes me pain regularly, I don't want anything that has the possibility to make it any worse, and the fact it can paralyse you and you need to sign a consent form to get one so you don't blame the hospital if this actually does happen, would also hate the feeling of not being able to control my legs. Im just scared I'm not going to be a good enough parent and will struggle to cope. Ive not had the chance to go to any classes that my midwife has suggested due to being at work and college I've had no spare time, and not to keen on the idea of going to classes alone as I get anxious and don't cope well around people I don't know when alone. I have no one I can trust to share my feelings with. I don't feel comfortable talking to my midwife she always wants me in and out her office as quick as possible never really discusses things properly. Im a paranoid wreck and dont know what to do, sorry for the long post

klkonwi · May 2015

Take a deep breath.
You have come to the right place. It sounds like with work and school you are overwhelmed. If you can't talk to your midwife can you talk to a family member or friend?
This scared "oh crap what have I gotten myself into " is normal and a lot of us on here are feeling the pressure.
I want you to remember that women have been doing this since the beginning of time and somehow they have figured it out!

There are things you can do at the hospital before going home to make you feel better. Ask your nurses for info about newborn care, a bath demonstration and feedings. These are the main things that matter. You can do this and thrive !!!!!

karaelaine1991 · May 2015

You're not alone! Labor can be a scary thing, especially for us FTMs. I can completely relate to not feeling like you have enough time, I'm in grad school and have an internship, and it can be stressful trying to balance everything. But at least we're trying! It will all work out one way or another.

With the epidural paralyzing you thing - please understand that this is EXTREMELY rare. Thousands of women get epidurals without issue. But if it does scare you, there are other methods of pain relief, such as IV. I'd recommend talking to your midwife about alternative pain relief methods. It also wouldn't hurt to ask her about other sources of pregnancy/new parent education, since going to the classes hasn't been an option for you. If she can recommend some (and as a medical professional, she should be able to, even if it's as simple as book titles for you to read or videos you can watch on YouTube), I think it would help put your mind at ease and make you feel more prepared. Good luck!

ETA also, if you don't feel comfortable with your midwife, are you sure you want her delivering your baby? It's still not too late in the game to switch to another care provider if it will make you more comfortable.

mrs1374a · May 2015

It's normal to feel scared. I feel scared and I'm a second time mom. My daughter is 3, very active and very healthy so I know I can do it, but it's a scary thought starting over for me. So I understand. We are all here and all going or about to go through the exact same thing.

virginiaunicorn11 · May 2015

Aw, lady - you are definitely not alone. Scoliosis and its implications for pain management can be scary, and is something that has come up on this board several times. Do a quick Search for "scoliosis." Also do a quick search for "hypnobirthing." I say that because there are threads where this has been discussed in detail, and the advice already given on those threads should provide you some comfort.

I have a ~27-29 degree curve and twist, so I hear you on not wanting an epidural and being afraid of not having one, too. I have been doing a ton of reading about the impact of fear on labor, and on pain. Some great books I have personally read include Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Natural Childbirth, and Hynobirthing. I highly recommend them, as they calmed my fears and gave me a good plan of action.

Fears about not being a good enough parent are sooo common - and just being worried about it, means you will be a good parent.

I am concerned that you do not feel comfortable talking to your midwife. Can you send her an email, listing some of your fears and asking her to set aside time to discuss them at your next appointment? Or can your partner go with you, and be an advocate for you? It is really important to have someone who you can trust and who will make you feel comfortable. You discuss being alone... can you enlist a friend or family member to support you, either in a class or at your next appointment?

Hang in there! Unfortunately, much of what your describing sounds "normal" but I know that is not comforting. You can do this.

3llisboc · May 2015

Thank you for all the nice helpful replies, its comforting to know theres others feeling similar to the way I do. Ive never really had a close bond with any family members me and my mum haven't got along since I was around thirteen and she kind of kept me away from the rest of the family for some reason, I've lost a lot of friends during my pregnancy its really just me and my partner, he's been super supportive but theres only so much I can talk to him about as he doesn't understand much about pregnancy, we are going to be young parents at the age of 19 and 20 and we are completely unexperienced. Im definitely going to try and talk to my midwife next week about my birthing plan and pain relief, I wont let her push me out the door so quickly this time.

janat1717 · May 2015

Hang in there and definitely have a long chat with the midwife. It should help. If not, I agree there is still time to switch. I can say that I trust my midwife, am off work, have taken a birthing class and as a FTM I still am feeling tons of nerves around the birth, the thought of what's to come after. I agree with the above though, women have been figuring it out through time. Look for women's groups in your area too, like La Leche or even a non baby group as these can be good places to get help. I'm in a women's circle and you can talk about anything

nicnnatesmom · May 2015

I'm a fifth time mom to be. And labor still has me shaking in my boots so to speak. Simply b/c I know what it's like. But none of them are the same. And even if you've had smooth deliveries in the past you still play the what if game. What if everything doesn't go smooth this time? What I'm trying to say is...the jitters are normal. No matter how many times you've already been through it. And so are the "I have to be a mom now" panicked feelings. While I may know what to do with a newborn when it comes to breastfeeding, changing diapers, and bathing them...I now have to figure out how to do it all and take care of 4 other children at the same time. And since all children are different I'm going to be starting from scratch with this little one when it comes to learning her cues and cries and personality.

I just want you to know first time mom or fifth we all have the same feelings and fears! And we will all survive and overcome them. And it'll all be worth it!

KaLikeAWind · May 2015

I'm terrified. Of labor yes, in a vague way... But I tend to not let myself fear pain, as what @amark11 said is correct - fair of pain makes pain worse. For me acceptance, knowing something will hurt (possibly a lot) and just riding that pony to the best of my ability is how I usually go about dealing with that. But I'm terrified of being a mom. I don't know how to deal with that anxiety, other than acknowledge my fears and that repeat to myself that every single mom out there in the world learned how to be a mom on a curve, just like I'm going to have to do. All I can do is get on that pony and ride it. The wheel (of life) weaves as the wheel wills. That may not be very helpful, but for me sometimes letting go of trying to control my 'fate' (my ideas of how things 'should' go, or how I want them to go) helps me to have a better grasp of everything in general.

Also, agree with PP - don't let your midwife diminish your concerns. You deserve to have your fears acknowledged and questions answered.

dancegurl1118 · May 2015

Labor is scary. Being a parent is scary! I know a lot of us FTMs are in the same boat...And even STM+ moms! I think you have the right idea with definitely talking to your midwife about your concerns.

Just remember you don't have to be a perfect parent. A lot of it is learning on the fly and finding what works. Loving your child and keeping them safe is the most important thing, and the fact that you are concerned about doing it right already shows that you're on the right track.

Deep breaths and take it one day at a time!

btm013 · May 2015

I'm a FTM as well and I understand your fears and concerns. I've read some really calming books - hypnobirthing the Marie mongan method and Ina may gaskins guide to childbirth. Both take the fear our of childbirth. When we feel pain we get scared (completely understandable) but this is the only type of pain that serves a greater purpose. Something I've been focusing on is labor/delivery is one of the most natural processes on the planet. The uterus has two muscles that work together to get the baby out. The female body is made for this! Women in Africa go about their day laboring and when the time comes, lean against the wall and delivery their own child. Animals in the wild can start and stop labor if they feel threatened or Prey is around. Women in comas and who are unconscious can birth a baby. It's in our genetic makeup to be able to birth a child. You've got this!!!

Zeuskay01 · May 2015

I think there's a lot of Moms here that can relate with being scared. I am a little as well but honestly its probably going to hit me when I get to the hospital. When I do start having deep thoughts and start getting nervous I like to think of allllllllll the other woman in the world that have been through this and have done an amazing job at being mom. I remember that there's woman that have been in much tougher situations, whether it be having to struggle doing it alone, not being financially stable or any other thing life throws at them...and they too were able to overcome. All the PPs gave great advice, hopefully some of these tips work for you. Just one day at a time...we're almost there !

HayesRN13 · May 2015

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now, but know that even 3rd, 4th time moms have some degree of anxiety and uncertainty as d day approaches... You said you have no one to talk to? Is the father not involved? And how have you been dealing with pain through pregnancy ? I can relate to you there as I have very bad spinal stenosis and 3 herniated disks in my lumbar spine. Non pregnant had to always be on very strong anti-inflammatory medication, along with steroid injections in my spine..and of course being pregnant I can't do anything! Just living with the back pain alone can be devastating, not to mention it sounds like you have more issues going on, so I can't imagine the level of anxiety you must be feeling. Do you have support from family?

HayesRN13 · May 2015

Sorry I just saw your post regarding your partner and how you've lost touch with your friends. There should be resources for you to be able to speak to a professional.. I think it would be very beneficial for you and your partner. Good luck, and know that you can always come here there are some great supportive women who can offer amazing advice!

OnWayto3 · May 2015

First, you are totally normal. This IS scary. Labor, parenting a baby, a whole new way of life. I'm on Round Three of delivery and I'm nervous. Excited, yes. Eager, yes. But also nervous and scared. I wind up crying frequently. Hopefully just knowing you aren't alone provides some degree of comfort. Beyond that, rely on your partner. Find a new-mommy group in your neighborhood. Connect with people online. Let people know when you're overwhelmed, scared, in need. And accept help. Accept help. Accept help. And always remember, you are strong. You really are capable!

ngaines27 · May 2015

I'm not as articulate as the other PPs, but I agree with it all. You are not alone. Your concern about being a good mother shows you're on the right track. Labor is scary, but our bodies were made for it and it is an incredibly beautiful experience, even with the pain.

lovethatcolosun · May 2015

I'm glad you spoke up about your fears. As you can see you are not alone in feeling this way. A lot of pp have given some great advice so I don't need to repeat it all. Just know that you can do this, all of it. Just take things one day at a time and revel in your successes no matter how small you feel they are. Before you know it you will be stringing multiple successes together and gaining confidence along the way. It's kinda like starting a new job or taking a new class. At first you may feel freaked out, have moments you feel like you have no clue what to do or how to handle a situation, then all of the sudden u look back months later and realize that you've totally got a handle on it. Change is scary, but know that you've made it through other times in your life where things were changing. You're all going to be great moms!

taboullio84 · May 2015

This will be my 5th baby.. And I still get nervous with labor. But I can honestly say.. You don't remember the pain from the labor.. BC it's gone so quick. You just remember the story when you tell it to ppl. I had the epidural twice.. I loved it. You relax and feel like you can concentrate on pushing. Every single mother thinks they might not be ready. You'll make it . we all do. As far as your Dr rushing you.. I'd mention that to her. Get a new Dr if you need to. You are paying her.... Don't forget that.

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