Getting over things

nikiaPSU · May 2015

Throughout my pregnancy, starting with thinking I might be pregnant, nothing has gone the way I hoped. How do I "get over" these bad memories? I'm not planning on getting pregnant again so a do-over with a second child is not an option. S/O seems to understand my sadness but I'm sure he'll stop having sympathy soon. Random crying occurs when I think back... I don't want to always see the negative. Please help!

jesscmv · May 2015

Not sure what your "bad memories" are. Maybe getting a therapist might help? I have a high stress job that tends to lead to compassion fatigue, going to a therapist really helped. Sorry you're dealing with this, good luck and try to enjoy your LO arriving soon

nikiaPSU · May 2015

Telling him I might be pregnant, taking the test & finding out, the first ultrasound, etc weren't good memories like they should have been.

Sammy K · May 2015

Finding a therapist is probably your best solution. We can't really help you move past those issues and if you're reaching out to strangers online you probably already know you're in over your head. There is no judgment here - in fact, I'm in therapy myself for PTSD from my first delivery and other issues. I'm still working on it, but it has helped me immensely. You owe it to yourself, your baby and your relationship. Don't wait or you could have postpartum depression as well. Best wishes to you.

virginiaunicorn11 · May 2015

nikiaPSU said:
Telling him I might be pregnant, taking the test & finding out, the first ultrasound, etc weren't good memories like they should have been.

What others say about finding a therapist. Also, let go of "should have." My father always says, "It's life. Not a f'ing movie."

I've had a great pregnancy and a supportive husband, but the first few weeks of not knowing then being certain that I was pregnant were so not fairy tale weeks! I choose to laugh at those times, or ignore them and focus on the positive. I do a lot of reading about this, including books like _The Happiness Project_ and _The Consolations of Philosophy_.

If you see negative when you look back, then look ahead and focus on the positive there. And do consider getting help with that, if doing it on your own doesn't seem to be working.

Big hugs, it's an emotional time!

laurendutch · May 2015

@amark11 I need to frame your Dads quote!

CateOfChicago · May 2015

I never thought my pregnancy story would start with years of issues, thousands of dollars and 5 people in the room and my legs in stirrups during my conception. But, I'm getting a beautiful baby and I get to joke that I got pregnant at an orgy. Ha ha. It is what it is. Try to focus on the poitive and maybe talk to someone, as others suggested.

heidiiwa · May 2015

In addition to what PP have suggested, maybe you need to allow yourself to grieve for what might have been, feel your feelings fully and then let go. Try writing a detailed journal entry about it on paper, making a collage or drawing a picture of your feelings. Then symbolically let it go by burning the paper or tearing it up. "The past is history, the future is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why they call it the present."

mishmardhiono · May 2015

When I start getting hung up on things or sad about things that have happened I always question if it's goig to be something I'm going to be effected by/still sad about it in years to come.. Kind of helps me get over a lot of things.. As an example our dr toldus the sex of the baby the other day we are team green, totally bummed about it but it only matters now, once the baby has been born I'm really nt going to worry about the time when I wasn't meant to know but found out.

If you can't let go of things then it's best to go and see someone.

My husband is indonesian and they believe that salt water (beach) or salt baths help to cleanse your spirit and mind of heavy things, when I find it's all getting a bit much I'll head down the beach for a swim and I always feel better.

katyertl · May 2015

I LOVE that @mishmardhiono! That's an awesome way to look at it. To just question if you will still be effected from it years down the road. Perfect way to put some things in prospective! Also sorry your surprise got ruined so close to the end too

elizab14 · May 2015

I can empathize. We weren't expecting this pregnancy. So the big reveal of a pregnancy test and ultrasound like I've watched in the movies growing up didn't happen. I wanted that moment where I show him the pregnancy test and we cry because it's the happiest day of our lives. Instead, we cried out of fear and shock. I remember telling my husband that we can handle all of this and the pregnancy won't impact him. Little did I know.

That's always been my biggest problem: my life as it is versus the expectation of what I thought it was going to be like. The more I'm in acceptance of my life, the better I feel. And there has been some grieving. I had to let go of my expectations. I'm sure I'm going to have to continue to let go of my expectations of parenthood as well.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Barbgray14 · May 2015

I'm with you as well. We lost a baby at 11 weeks last year and tried for 9 months for this one. When I got pregnant all I did was worry about something going wrong. There was a small celebration for me each time things were ok but I'd always stop myself from feeling too happy. I took the joy out of it with my constant worrying for my husband and other children. Letting go of expectations and having a professional help you go such a long way.

You have someone amazing coming soon and once your Lo is here you have that sweet face to focus on together. You are a strong woman but never be afraid to let people help you.

MamaBish · May 2015

Popping in to say that I second the advice of pp for therapy. Therapy can help you get through things you never thought you could. Trust me on this.

Focus on that beautiful baby you are growing and don't be afraid to get some professional help

Knottie64157109 · May 2015

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first and felt the same way until I saw her and nothing else mattered.

nikiaPSU · May 2015

Thanks everyone. I don't think my insurance covers therapy but I'll look into it. For now I like the journal and letter writing ideas. Yes life isn't a movie but that doesn't mean I don't (and didn't) deserve to have happy memories. I don't want to feel so miserable when people ask about finding out I was pregnant, when we found out the gender... Seeing him will bring me happiness but I don't feel will be enough to erase those negative thoughts. PPD is the last thing I need

janat1717 · May 2015

I just wanted to say I totally feel you on this. I ruined the first day we found out by panicking about being lax for the first time with my activities after trying for a few months and then being pregnant right away. Then a few other things happened that made me think I was "ruining" the perfect pregnancy I had planned. With some help though I came to accept that pregnancy... Along with parenting... is never going to be perfect. It's just about learning to deal with all the unplanned craziness. My help came from a women's circle and some alterna type therapy called Body Talk. Just find what's right for you!

devyns2nd · May 2015

CateOfChicago said:
I never thought my pregnancy story would start with years of issues, thousands of dollars and 5 people in the room and my legs in stirrups during my conception. But, I'm getting a beautiful baby and I get to joke that I got pregnant at an orgy. Ha ha. It is what it is. Try to focus on the poitive and maybe talk to someone, as others suggested.

That's wonderful!!! Congrats on the success!!! My sisters didn't take and then BAM she was pregnant on her own.

mishmardhiono · May 2015

I think it's all a bit hard now. Before the only perception of perfect was on movies, now with pinterest, Facebook etc everyone's lives appear so beautiful and exciting compared to our own.. But we don't realise that our lives appear the same way to everyone else. We only see people's perfect moments in te public because that's all people want us to see and us to show. So we think that is everyone's norm except for us.

virginiaunicorn11 · May 2015

nikiaPSU said:
Yes life isn't a movie but that doesn't mean I don't (and didn't) deserve to have happy memories.

Right, but the point is that you are in control of defining happiness and what can make you happy (unless a hormonal imbalance prevents that, then professional help is essential). So if you can only be happy if life hands you a perfect moment, then it will be challenging for you to ever be happy.
And I am always horrified when people compare their lives to movies, Pinterest, Facebook, whatever. How horrible to live in that shadow, yikes! Reality check, people.

Two mantras I try to live by:

-All disappointment comes from too much expectation.
-Comparison is the quickest path to unhappiness.

If you cannot find a way to make therapy fit into your life, I would highly recommend reading some related books. The Consolations of Philosophy discusses how the feeling of expectation or deserving something from life, is a mental construction that basically sets us up to feel like crap.

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