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June 2015 Moms
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What to do about a pushy in-law?

baroneariabaronearia member
in June 2015 Moms
Hello Everyone! I am in need of some advice before I blow up about a situation. I am a FTM & 35W, we expect LO around 6/4/15. I will try to make a long story short. My mother & I have never really gotten along it has been a pretty roller-coaster ride of a relationship for the past 7 years, and I am not expecting her at the birth or to be around for a while afterwards, as she is on the East Coast and I am on the West. My in-laws are amazing people I love them to death and often times I find that I will turn to my MIL before talking to my own mother on issues and look up to her as my own, My FIL is sweet too, but at times can be quite domineering and pushy, it has never crossed a line, it is often just annoying. My hospital has told me to expect to be checked in with them from 2-3 days for a natural delivery, and 3-4 days for a C-Sec.The in-laws live about 2 hours away, and I fully expect that I will see them while I am in the hospital, and I am totally okay with that. Here is the issue, almost every mom I have talked to or blog I have read has suggested that in the first few days, if not 2 weeks, of baby's life after leaving the hospital should be with out visitors around the home, if for no other reason, I need to figure out how to do this being a mom thing. When I originally spoke to them about how things were going to happen my FIL told me that they couldn't come up and stay for a week to two weeks after LO is born, I told them that was fine because I really didn't want any visitors any way, he proceeded to ask me if I would be interested in coming to their home and staying for 2 -3 weeks, the week after I give birth ( UH NO!) My husband will only have 2 weeks of work, and I told FIL that if they wanted to do what would be of  the most help is if they came down after DH returns to work as extra help around the house ( He sounded almost disappointed by this) .Also, I can't predict the future and that in the case that something went wrong with LO or me we needed to be in the local area for medical access to docs and so on. A week passes by and in a discussion with my DH, some how they (  in laws & DH)  convoluted this to mean that I was "shunning" them (In laws) or that I didn't want them to see their first grandchild for like a month. Not really what I meant either. Another issues i can see arising is due to the fact that  I am a clean freak, and a hostess type, and I am easily stressed if things aren't the way I prefer them to be when I have company and having them immediately there will put me on edge due to things not being clean, I know they wouldn't care but I DO!. My DH told me they did not have intentions of staying for weeks after my LO gets home but maybe 3-4 days, I can see that if they were at home with us right from the get go, it would stress me, and I would become quickly irritated with them and snap, or just be more stressed than I already will be. So how should I handle this? Should I put my foot down? Do I compromise? How do I get what I feel I will need without being a huge B about it? My husband insists that I am just hormonal at the moment and I will surely change my mind when the time comes. I know it is a long read and thank you in advance for your suggestions.
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Re: What to do about a pushy in-law?

  • angiekay84angiekay84 member
    I think there is no issue having visitors the first few weeks, like people coming and going. People staying multiple days - no. Unless you knew for a fact they were there to help and no expect to be waited on, I absolutely would not have someone staying multiple nights with me. I also would never go to someone else's house for a week or more (honestly not even overnight) in those first few weeks. You are going to be getting up frequently in the middle of the night, dealing with breastfeeding, ect. and I agree with PO getting used to a routine. Best to try and figure all the new things out in the first couple weeks at your own home. I'm shocked anyone would even suggest you stay with them. I had a c-section with my first and needed my husband's help even sitting up in bed the first week. There are also doctor's appointments, so I definitely would not be staying with someone 2 hours away.
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  • queequeg09256queequeg09256 member
    I'm sorry op, that sucks. I was very worried about a similar situation with my in laws they live pretty far away and are not good about personal space, they came up and stayed with us for 11 days over the holidays without talking to us about the time frame, and I was a total b about it. I told my dh before we got pregnant no visitors for the first 2 weeks period. As my in laws spent about 3 weeks with my sil when she had her first child. Here is what we did that I think worked. Firstly your house your rules. I would have the convo of totally expecting them at the hospital, saying I know it's a long drive but that it's important to you and dh to get to know your baby and work out a routine as having people to help can make it even tougher once dh goes back to work. Also make your dh have this convo. That you totally expect to see them after those first 2 weeks to get the loving on! You totally understand them wanting to come stay and help but you also want to make sure that you kind of figure this out on your own. With my in laws they were totally ok with coming up later. I'm not their kid, and while my FIL is also pretty pushy I'm going to certainly push right back and because I was a b during the holidays new boundaries were set. My dh has been handling and letting them know they can only stay for 7 days (although they seem to ignore this when they talk which is concerning). Since you seem to have a very very good relationship with your mil, maybe you talk to her woman to woman about the fact that you really want this time to focus on the three of you and getting set up, mom's have a great way of understanding one another and can usually persuade others. I wish you the best op, and urge you to stay firm.
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  • meganjoellemeganjoelle member
    Stay strong! I plan on doing the same, and while I love my in laws, they are very frustrated that I have told them they will NOT be staying overnight at my house for the first three weeks of baby's arrival. They misinterpreted as well to mean that I didn't want them coming at all, but quite honestly, I'm fine with them visiting and staying at a hotel. It's just that we're going to be adjusting to a totally different family dynamic from the two of us and the dog to adding a baby; they need to respect that they aren't a part of your everyday life and that you need to have the time and ability to establish a routine/rhythm for what works.

    Push right back and set your guidelines. Hubby's family is still upset about it (and we set this expectation in December), but they're also the kind of people who behave as if we need to cater to them as guests while they are in our home. NOT the kind of stress you want with a newborn around. Remember, this is YOUR baby and you have to do what will be best for you and your little family. Trust your instincts, if they want a relationship with their grandchild they will come to accept your rules.
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  • cehncehn member
    Also you will have pediatrician appointments for weight checks in the few weeks after the baby is born. Being two hours away at their house doesn't make sense. Visitors coming and going is one thing but like another poster said you could suggest they stay at a hotel overnight. My in laws actually stayed at our house the first few days while the three of us were still in the hospital. But they left before we came home. That might be another option.
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  • MandisclarkMandisclark member
    dancegurl1118 said:

    They live two hours away. If they see you at the hospital that is enough for the first weeks or so. You do not compromise, what you say is "the first few weeks are crucial for bonding as a family of three and we are going to spend some time just getting used to our new family unit" -- regardless of what schedule DH is on with work. It is not their right as grandparents to spend time with their grandchild in the initial postpartum period.

    Not to mention you are going to feel like shit, be bleeding, and probably trying to figure out how to sit down without soreness, and if you're breastfeeding navigating cracked and bleeding nipples. Literally so inappropriate to be expected to have house guests and if they can't see that, don't feel bad for a second.




    I completely agree with dancegurl1118 .

     

    I have in laws similar to yours. I love them as if they were my own parents... and, as if they were my own parents, I get extremely frustrated with them at times. My MIL told us we absolutely cannot use the pediatrician we picked because she thinks he's horrible. After my husband put his put down she continues on a weekly basis to tell us she'll be heartbroken if we go with him and she will be extremely disappointed in us... She's also the type who I could see wanting to spend a week at our house right after delivery or even come over every single day.

     

    Like dancegurl1118  said, it's pretty much going to be a sh*t show right afterwards until we all figure out what we're doing and get into a rhythm with our new babies and how we want to do things. Don't compromise; put your foot down. Even if it means sounding like a B.

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  • ashleytiffashleytiff member
    My MIL wanted to come stay for 2 weeks after the baby is born and I said no way. My husband only gets a week of paid leave, if he wants more it will be from his vacation time. I don't want him to have to share that time with anyone.

    AND if I really wanted some one here I'd want my own mom cause I'm obviously way more comfortable with her and I can tell her to buzz off when she's doing something I don't like.

    I don't want anyone here for at least a month.
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  • Cateash77Cateash77 member
    I think let them come and visit you in the hospital as much as they like (within reason) and if they are only two hours away, can't they just come up for the day for a few hours and then drive back....its really not that far? Then when you guys are ready maybe they can come down and spend some time staying with you. But yeah, asking you if you want to come and stay with them, for 2-3 weeks, one week after giving birth is really kind of weird, can't say I've heard that one before....I understand they possibly think it will be helpful, but why the expectation that you uproot yourself to go to them?

    It's totally reasonable to not want people actually living with you at your house in the post partum period, which is a very different story to having visitors come for several hours, or a BBQ etc to celebrate the new little one. I always loved visitors after having DS!

    If they REALLY want to hang around and get lots and lots of baby time they they should pay for a hotel for a few days to a week and come over when okay with you during the day. I think any reasonable person would agree with this. Also, if I was you I wouldn't really be okay with the suggestion that you are shunning them simply by putting up normal, sane boundaries around your own health and comfort, it almost comes across as a lack of respect for you as an individual person. I think they should ask themselves whether if one of them had just had major surgery or birthed a 3-4kg child through their vagina whether they would want to go and stay with relatives for weeks afterward! I am thinking the answer is probably not....
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  • virginiaunicorn11virginiaunicorn11 member
    After seeing this and similar threads, I called my SIL in a panic to apologize for coming to stay with her and my brother for a week, one week after my niece was born. She laughed really hard and said I shouldn't feel that way, and she liked having me there to help with their older daughter and to bond with the baby. She swore she really believed that, because I felt terrible.

    My MIL is coming to stay with us for 8 days, arriving 5 days after the due date - so she may even be here (not in the room) for the birth. When I read these threads or "mommy blogs", that makes me really anxious. When I step away and think about it and talk to DH about it, I realize she has never been anything but wonderfully helpful and has always given us our space. I'm grateful she wants to be an active grandmother, and is getting on a plane to offer support.

    All this said, I just think it can be easy to get wound up from what the Internet tells you - but ultimately try to make the decision with your DH based on what YOU want and know to be true about your family.
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  • queequeg09256queequeg09256 member
    Woot drunk friend for the win! That is awesome op!
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