Intro

marnief · May 2015

hi all, it's been a while. I found PAIF when I was pregnant with my first, after 4 IUIs (plus an HSG and a polypectomy). Our journey started in May 2013 when at a "preconception" visit with my regular ob/gyn, I found out that my AMH was 0.4. We went straight to an RE and started all the fun stuff. 7 months later I got a BFP, and my daughter was born 8/8/14 and she's amazing. Hubs and I started talking about #2 after she was born. In the meantime, I applied for a one-year program that will start in June to get a teaching credential - I am changing careers after being laid off (along with my whole department) at the end of my first trimester. Had another preconception visit with my ob/gyn in March. This time my AMH was in the normal range, but because of our ages (I'll be 37 next week, hubs is 38), she suggested we try on our own for 3 months, then go back to the RE so we wouldn't waste time.

So...got my +OPK a couple weeks ago, we only got to BD one time because hubby had to travel for a week for work. And today, I got a BFP which totally shocked me. And now I'm in this weird place. A good friend of mine who went through IF treatments to conceive her first just recently (after a year with the RE) got a BFP...then started bleeding a couple days later and had a MC that took like a month and a half to resolve and get her HCG levels back down to zero. So that's weighing on me. And I just got accepted to this teaching program, and it's only a year so it's not like I can miss 6 or 8 weeks of it. And I am afraid that maybe it's a false positive. And I am too nervous to be excited about it. And I'm feeling guilty about not feeling excited. I actually said to my belly, "If you're really in there, I love you and I'm glad you are here, and you shouldn't think that my apprehension means that I don't want you."

So that's my story. And I had to tell someone. Thank goodness for the internet.

marnief · May 2015

Talked to my rabbi today, and she helped me see that my issue with the timing is really just my way of hiding my fear that something will go wrong. Last time, I felt like I couldn't really exhale until I got the results of the CVS, which is 8 weeks away or so. She said that whether I live in joy and expect the best, or live in pain and expect the worst, the grief of bad results will be the same, so she encouraged me to try to find the joy. So...I will try.

somewhereinafrica · May 2015

Your rabbi is one smart lady!!

My husband and i have been having similar conversation. Our first IVF cycle we were differing with should we expect the worst and be more 'prepared' for the pain or think the best and be in shock! Our first cycle didn't work and I learnt that even thinking the worst it hasn't helped it felt just as awful.
I got my BFP on my FET and am now 5 weeks and those insecurities are creeping up all over the place and fears of something going wrong. Last night we had the same discussion should we keep on obsessing over the worst or live grateful for the baby right now.
It's a hard one! We try so hard to protect our hearts from hurt but soemtimes at the expense of embracing the joy of the moment!

This is probably my only pregnancy as we have already started the adoption processes for number two and feel we will pursue adoption for more children, so I feel so strongly that pull to really enjoy but get fully those fears!

I brought a picture with this quote on it
and have hung it in my living room

'Life isn't about waiting for the storms to pass its learning to dance in the rain'
So whilst letting honor the fear is not easy it is my personal challenge today to dance when I feel like it's raining inside !!

I wish you a great pregnancy and hope we can both learn to dance in the face of our fears! Xx

MrsBwIVF · May 2015

I'm jealous of you having that rabbi! So very wise and I completely agree! We have survived two m/cs. The first was a natural conception and we were devestated. The second was almost 2 years later through ivf. That pregnancy we were all very guarded, tried not to get excited, tried to not get attached, barely acknowledged it. With the ivf process, we had way earlier appts and found out very early the babies (split embryo) were in trouble so we prepared ourselves for the worst. Eventually, the heartbeats stopped and we were devestated again.
The only differences between the two were 1, with the second one, we were more prepared for the news and could get ourselves ready for the news. 2, we knew we would make it through the other side stronger as a couple, just as we had the first time. And 3, I felt extremely guilty for not loving my beans and instead, being cynical and dismissive of their existence.
This time, we are at 6w and doing as your rabbi suggested- living on the moments with joy and expecting the best. This definitely came in handy this week with heavy bleeding and discovering a Subchorionic Hematoma next to the placenta. But we remain optimistic and overly joyed with our beans. If something happens, it is out of our hands but the love e show them in their small time is in our control.
Good luck with everything, happy and healthy 9 months

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