What do I do?

megantesia · May 2015

I'm sorry I just I need to vent and I need to try and find a way to relax. Also, some helpful input would be great.

The father and I do not get along. He's beyond immature and unreasonable.

The problem is, he lives across the country (I left him due to physical and verbal abuse recently.) I am trying to figure out how to manage custody so it's fair to both of us and most importantly our daughter.

He refuses to go to court and just wants me to sign a paper saying he'll get her for four weeks when he has leave (he's military).
I personally don't agree because that means I won't spend any Christmas or New Year with her.

He also wants to start this when she's around one year old. He came up with the "brilliant" plan that I would fly her down there drop her off and I would turn around and go back home. And then he would drop her off. In his words he doesn't want me anywhere near the state.

How can I manage custody with him reasonably?
Because this doesn't make any sense and I'm so sick of him stressing me out this ENTIRE pregnancy.
I have been very blessed to have a healthy pregnancy but mentally I'm sick and tired.

He has even gone so far to stress me out that this morning he messaged me saying "don't you dare bring any boyfriend around her"
Obviously, I will NOT bring just any guy I'm interested in around her. And first of all, my daughter is my main priority, not dating.
And if I was going to get serious with someone I will decide when I should introduce them. At an appropriate time and if it was even appropriate to do that.

He makes me so sick. He's constantly trying to control everything and whenever he gets the chance he'll throw in disrespectful jabs just to hurt me.
I just want to be left alone in peace.
I have asked him and told him thousands and thousands of times, only message me if its in regards to her and when she is born only in regards to her or if you want to FaceTime her.
He obviously doesn't get the point.

ashleymartie13 · May 2015

I don't know what to say about your situation

all I can say is keep messages he sends that are disrespectful or anything really to show the court if you guys do decide to go that route.

marthaudani · May 2015

Don't sign anything. Unless he has proven paternity he really has zero rights for visitation. If he wasn't being such a selfish ass he would stop to think what would be reasonable for the baby.

First of all, he needs to establish paternity and start paying child support when she is born. Secondly, he should make the baby his dependent so that she can get medical benefits through TRICARE once she is born. Last he needs to figure out a reasonable visitation schedule. There is no reason that he has to have her for the holidays every year. That would piss me off to no end.

This kid needs to learn some hard lessons in life and not be so damned entitled.

christmasstree · May 2015

Hi. I would take all his messages and bring them to the courts. I would get a restraining order on him until she is born that way he cant contact you. And after she is born you can have it where you wont need to be around him with her. Because right now he is a danger to you and to her. You want whats best for your daughter.

LeaRose87 · May 2015

I am in a similar situation. Except the father lives across town from me. He is a complete narcissist, pathological liar and now I am finding out is an alcoholic. And like u I have had a wonderful pregnancy except for the stress and emotional abuse he has caused. Everything is about him and what he wants. My advice is do not respond to anything he says unless absolutely necessary. He will have to take the initiative to prove paternity in order to get visitation rights. And if he can not figure out a reasonable visitation schedule with u then a judge can do it. And if that happens take all records of things he has said with u to court. Just focus on the blessing growing inside. Make decisions based on what will be best for her. I wish u the best!

odawg · May 2015

Use a real lawyer...i know it sounds annoying but you leave your child in a state with a parent you have to fight to get her back. Trust me my friend made that mistake. He will het to keep her till some court decides you do which can take ages.

saric83 · May 2015

Absolutely don't sign anything. Do all of this through the courts. He sounds absolutely terrible, and the sooner you can set appropriate boundaries with the backing of a court-system, the better it will be for you and your daughter.

leelee72 · May 2015

Do not sign.anything and do not allow him anything at this.point. Prove he issues in court and let the courts decide how and if he gets to see his child. You and your child's safety is 1st and foremost

TBsquared · May 2015

Get a lawyer. Even if you were both. To agree you need it to be legal because like others have said, if he decides not to return the child and you have no court order, the only way to get her back would be to take him to
Court and that could take a long time. ALWAYS have a legal court order to ensure the agreement is followed and enforceable should he try something fishy. And yes...he needs to pay child support!

klaG101 · May 2015

Take him to court. And always remember that if he starts getting too crazy or unreasonable you can call into his commander and that might straighten him up some. ( army spouse here)

Even with going to court the visitation might still be hard. But that's where everyone's interest will be looked out for, don't let him bully you into anything!

cpage2211 · May 2015

I agree with all pp's. Don't sign anything and hire a lawyer. Going to court may be a hassle but in the long run, will be better. I wouldn't allow my child to be away from me every single Christmas! That's ludicrous. He needs a reality check that he isn't the only parent involved here and he needs to bend. Does he seriously think you should be the only one to sacrifice special days? I hate it when men are selfish, abusive assholes and then continue to demand shit after the relationship is over. Isn't that the reason you leave?! Gahhh! Good luck, Hun.

LadyBlood · May 2015

Agree with pp, definitely contact a lawyer, make sure he's paying child support and you guys have a fair situation set up for visitation and who is paying for all those trips out of state so it doesn't all fall on you. However, I disagree with contacting his chain of command unless he gets out of hand ( like absolutely refusing to go to court or doesn't give your child back) it's a bitch move to go to his coc, you wouldn't go to his boss if he were a banker, it can royally screw his career if you aren't careful, which in turn can affect your child's life and child support. Just saying.

brookew86 · May 2015

Definitely agreeing with the PPers. Save every text, every message - record any calls if you have the ability to do so. His verbal and mental abuse is a danger to your pregnancy, and the more proof you have on him the more ammo you will have for a later date. He needs to prove he can be a good dad, and at this point it doesn't look like he will be. Who's to say he won't do the same to his own kid in the future?

Just don't, whatever you do, fight fire with more fire. Be the civil one, the level-headed one. Don't let him get under your skin and make you want to lash out at him. Go through the courts and lawyers and prove you are the better parent by being the better parent. Obviously, we all know you are already - now it's time to show that to the court. Good luck, hon!

megantesia · May 2015

Thank you everyone. It definitely gave me some ideas to start putting into gear.
It sucks when you love someone and you just want to care for them but you can't because they're so horrible.
I've been beyond exhausted dealing with him.
Thank you everyone!

Want a personalized experience?

What do I do?

Re: What do I do?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards