only 2 weeks in and I'm drowning!

SSCmomma · January 2015

I feel awful. I have been having such a miserable time. I was really concerned that the awful birth experience I had would have made me resent my newborn but we started off well. My daughter was born and dispite the bad experience getting her here I was totally in love. Since then things have been sliding downhill. I had problems breastfeeding initially and actually yelled at my newborn to stop hurting me (I know it wasn't her fault but it was just a knee jerk reaction) I yelled another time for her to stop screaming. She never lets DH or I put her down. She sleeps for short periods and screams whenever she is awake. Nothing seems to help. We hold her, rock her, play music, walk her around, etc but she continues to scream. It gets me frustrated and anxious. I start to get unglued. I cry, I yell, I say terrible things. I told DH I thought she'd be better off if we dropped her off at a police station and that I couldnt wait to go back to work to get away from her. DH has been so cool calm and collected but he gets furious with me when I say these awful things. I can't blame him but if I don't vent I feel like I'll explode. I feel absolutely awful. I just feel this distance growing. I am not fit to be a mother but obviously I made my bed so.....
I have a long history of depression and anxiety but this is new territory for me. I don't worry about how it effects me but I don't want my awfulness to hurt my daughter. I am just at such a loss. I feel so terribly guilty for the things I think and for my behavior. Tomorrow will be our first day home alone and I am terrified I'm not going to be able to handle it!

Dejasade21 · January 2015

Im sorry you feel this way but you are not alone!! Im a month in and feel the same way you do. I feel like I resent my daughter...I too say nasty things about her and my husband gets mad. I even refer to her as an it sometimes. I just HATE it (motherhood not my baby). Have you seen a doctor? I got on prozac and im 3 days into it..no affect yet.

claudiaudia · January 2015

Your story sounds really similar to mine. I even had thoughts of taking her back to the hospital because I thought someone there could take better care of her than I was.

It would probably be a good idea to get to your family doctor as soon as possible and tell them what's going on and how you're feeling - they are not judgemental about it!

Do you have any friends that could watch the baby for a little while, even if she cries the whole time? Just to give you a little bit of a break from the crying? Failing that, if you have tried everything (fed, changed, rocked, dry clothes, comfortable temp etc), you may just need to put her in her crib/sleeper, shut the door and just take a few minutes to try to decompress. She will be safe in her bed alone for a few minutes, and you are not a bad mother for needing reprieve from being up and listening to her cry.

Hugs and good luck!

StarNHeaven · April 2015

Im so sorry you are having a difficult time. This, too, sounds just like me with my first son. I have depression and anxiety prior to pregnancy and take an SSRI every day and during pregnancy. After my son was born, it all spiraled out of control. I couldnt breastfeed, he cried all the time, and no one was sleeping. I would also scream at him. At one point DH found me curled up in the fetal position balling my eyes out. After this, my best friend and DH basically called my OB for me. I went in to see her feeling ashamed and embarrassed about my feelings and behavior. But talking to her was the best thing for all of us. She told me i had textbook PPD and recommended to increase my medication dosage. Within 2 weeks, i began to feel better and in time as we got more sleep...i could actually enjoy my child and being a mother. Trust me what you are feeling does not make you a bad mother but i urge you to seek help. Make an appointment with your OB and tell him/her how you are feeling. Be honest. Maybe even have DH come with you to have the dr explain PPD from a third party's perspective so that he has a better understanding of what you are going through. Hang in there. I PROMISE it gets better but you need to take care of yourself.

Krysta2015 · May 2015

With my first child, who is almost 7 now, I was extremely frustrated when we came home from the hospital. She was my first so I didn't know what I was doing and I had little help. There was no family there helping me and my DH thought paternity leave was his vacation. I internalize, so I didn't yell at the baby or yell how I felt. But I did feel like I wasn't going to be a good mother. I felt like this wasn't for me and I started to get post partum depression. Bad. I would cry often and for no reason. I wouldn't leave the house and found little interest in anything. I wouldn't shower. And I never sought help. I just eventually got better. And I started to be a pro and know what to do when she cried. And as I started to relax and feel more comfortable, so did she. Babies can truly sense how mom feels. If she's a nervous wreck, the baby will feel that nervousness. So take a breath, go to another room and meditate or find something calming, and remember that this is the hardest part. It only gets easier. For my second child, my doctor was a lot more aware of what I was going through so I went on antidepressants when baby was born and with that baby, I was already a pro so I was a lot more calm and knew what I was doing! You're going to be OK! *Hugs*

nofrogs · May 2015

I don't have as good of advice as everyone else, but I will say that it gets better. It gets way better and easier, at 6 weeks, and more still at 6 months and a year. Hang in there. And don't compare yourself to other people, because you are awesome.

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