Great Dad, Horrible Relationship

ohmyminniejean · May 2015

At 13w3d, my childs father and i are not together... Ive known him since i was 2 years old, I love him with all of me. We dated in middle school, high school, and of course, a few months ago when we conceived.. Each time, our personalities clashed and we didnt work out.. Only this time, we're pregnant! He has a really bad temper and has actually 4 domestic abuse charges from fighting with ex girlfriends. DONT FRET. He knows my entire family, KNOWS theyre crazy, and has NEVER laid a hand on me (except, of course, to create BabyV.).His temper is explosive when he is angry, which is why I left.. I actually moved to a completely different city. When it comes to our unborn child though, he is AMAZING. He loves his baby and I would never keep BabyV away from him.. I just know we would NEVER work under the same roof. Im a stubborn Capricorn, and he is an arrogant Leo. my baby WILL know love from mother and father. We are first time parents, and have agreed to give BabyV the life we never had. My problem is that I love DaddyV so much, I could never see myself with anyone else with our baby on this earth.. Stupid?? or In love??? Thoughts??

Cook3133 · May 2015

That's a hard one, love can be blind. For babies sake if you work better apart then you should do that. Now that you're a mom the baby comes first, baby doesn't need to see dad blow up at mom. Maybe suggest anger management for both of you for the babies sake, I say both so he won't feel singled out.
I will always love my ex husband, but that doesn't mean we were good for each other (hence EX). Just don't get so blinded by love and wanting forced perfection that it takes a big situation that can be bad for all those involved for your eyes to be wide open. And I know that can be easier said than done. Communication is the key! Remember sometimes people make better parents when they aren't together as a couple.
If you ever think things could turn on you though, I would make sure to get a custody issue in place from the beginning. It helps with drama in the future.

thegingeravenger · May 2015

I'm going to be that person right now. With a history of domestic violence, you need to watch him like a hawk with your child if you want them to maintain a relationship. You'll always need to look at it as if he could potentially snap. Even as the baby grows out infancy. What happens when your baby is now a 13 year old testing their limits? Or hell, even a 4 year old testing their limits? That temper doesn't just disappear without ages of counseling. It's great that you two want to be great co-parents. That's fantastic on its own. I am of the opinion that unless some serious time and therapy has been between now and those FOUR domestic abuse charges, he shouldn't be near you or your child unsupervised.

Also, even if you love him now, it's time to put him out of your heart. Four isn't an accident. Four isn't something that "slips". Four is a pattern and you should be running and screaming away from him.

Pontot31 · May 2015

thegingeravenger said:
I'm going to be that person right now. With a history of domestic violence, you need to watch him like a hawk with your child if you want them to maintain a relationship. You'll always need to look at it as if he could potentially snap. Even as the baby grows out infancy. What happens when your baby is now a 13 year old testing their limits? Or hell, even a 4 year old testing their limits? That temper doesn't just disappear without ages of counseling. It's great that you two want to be great co-parents. That's fantastic on its own. I am of the opinion that unless some serious time and therapy has been between now and those FOUR domestic abuse charges, he shouldn't be near you or your child unsupervised.

Also, even if you love him now, it's time to put him out of your heart. Four isn't an accident. Four isn't something that "slips". Four is a pattern and you should be running and screaming away from him.

This.
No one with 4 domestic violence convictions would be any where near my child, even if they were the father.

Babies cause stress. Stress fuels anger. That's a bad combo.

Sorry, but to me, someone can't be amazing and as violent as you say he is.

missemmawoodhouse · May 2015

Having a newborn is one of the most stressful, sometimes irrational anger inducing time I have ever been through in my life. I worry that someone with a really bad temper (and 4 domestic abuse charges!!!) would lash out during those stressful MOTN "Why won't this kid fucking sleep" times.

Shaken Baby Syndrome is serious. Know that if you are aware of his history of abuse and something happens to your child in his care, you can lose custody. It happened to someone on my last BMB - exBF shook the baby and she was charged with neglect as well. She now has a 14 year old who has never progressed mentally beyond 9 mo. The child lives with the poster's mother because she is not allowed custody and she still has to have supervised visits.

Please, please consider this story.

ETA: Here is her story and please remember to shake hands, not babies!
https://m.facebook.com/shakehandsnotbabiesformadison/about

TacoSarah · May 2015

If he's so great why did you move to a different city? He sounds like very bad news.

I had an ex like that. Got pregnant and one night he lost his temper, locked my in his house for 6 hours and beat the living day lights out of me. I ended up with a fractured skull. He tried to stab me in the lungs with a dart! I was 22. He went to jail, I didn't keep the baby.

People like that don't care who your family are or what the repercussions of their actions will be, because in that moment he loses his temper he will lose all grasp on reality and self control. Add a baby into the mix and you or the baby will either end up seriously injured or dead.

Children who grow up around and witness domestic abuse are more likely to either be victims of abuse or abusers themselves in their adult life.

My advice is to get as far away from him as possible, do not let him know your address and never see him on your own. A man who is an abuser cannot ever be a good father as only good people are capable of being good fathers and an abuser is NOT a good person.

He is scum.

Sweetpea192 · May 2015

This is s serious matter. As previous posts have said this man has 4 not 1 but 4 domestic abuse charges against him. Although you claim he is a great dad but honestly how do you know that he will be once baby is here? Again as others have said having a newborn can be very stressful. How do you know that he won't one day switch on the baby and or you because baby won't stop crying? To me and I mean it in the best possible way. If I was pregnant by a man like that weather he had put his hands on me or not I would not want them around my baby. You know about his past and potentially you could be putting you and your baby when they arrive at risk. You need to reconsider your options and do what is best for you. I understand you love him but you yourself admitted you don't work.

kmkrushi · May 2015

I agree with the PP. Don't dismiss what they're telling you, please. These women are opening up to, revealing stories of friends or their own tramatic experiences, because your story is concerning. It would be easy for you to get defensive, and tell us we don't know him or your situation, but think about what you told us. Reread what you wrote and imagine a friend or family member was telling you the same story.

Fear is not healthy, it's damaging and crippling to all of us, especially children. He may never lay a hand on you in anger, and he may never lay a hand on your child in anger. But words and environment can be just as harmful.

You stated he has four abuse charges from fighting with exes. That is from multiple women. I know from working with attorneys that the justice system isn't perfect. There are often explanations for everything, but when is it just an excuse? You say he wouldn't mess with you because of your family, but don't you think these women had family who would do anything to protect them as well?

If you want this man in your child's life I would lay down some tough ground rules. He would need to attend parenting classes and counseling. He would need supervised visitation. He would have to stay out of trouble with the law and he would have to agree to all this through the court system. Only after proving himself over YEARS would he be allowed any kind of normal relationship with his child.

Sweetpea192 · May 2015

Couldn't agree more @kmkrushi. I have not been in a violent relationship but my sister has been. She has two boys & although he did not hit them he was very vocal & abusive with his mouth. Them boys saw a lot of what he did to my sister & it has damaged them emotionally & I would say mentally. Thankfully she is out of that relationship & is very happy now. But he put her through hell & I know OP has stated he's never hit her but there could always be that one time that's all it takes..

thefithuntress · May 2015

I wish you the best of luck in whatever decisions you make. I think these ladies gave awesome advice.

My first relationship was an abusive one and I can't help but think he's only excited about this baby out of vanity. I know it isn't fair to him that I paint that picture but anyone with a temper and mean streak like that resembles my ex who would have probably had the same reaction of excitement and happiness... Until the baby is actually born.

Just take care of yourself and your child and be wary of his motives; definitely work out custody/rules of visitation before your baby arrives. Good luck! I hope your family and friends give you the support you need.

VexyMommy · May 2015

It is very easy to be a good daddy to an unborn child. The difficulties come in during the late nights and the long days after the child is born. It takes one moment to harm a child for life. One moment of lost temper and your child could be dead.

Are you in love with this man or your image of the man he could be? It sounds like this is the person you have always seen yourself with. I say this is as someone who married her high school sweetheart and who allowed herself and her child to live in an abusive situation for far too many years. I thought my child needed a father and a mother to grow up strong and emotionally healthy. I was wrong. You are better than being with someone like that. You and your child are worth more than a man who abuses women. You owe it to both of you to keep this man at arms length. Let him have supervised visitation. If he's receiving counseling perhaps when the child is older and can tell you something is wrong he can have more. I know how hard it is to do this. I went through it with my ex. I saw in him the man I wanted to see until I was unable to bury my head in the sand any further because of how significantly the man he actually was affected my daughter. Our time with him still affects her despite the fact that she hasn't seen him in 5 years. Please learn from my mistakes and don't put yourself and your child in a situation with an abusive man.

lopezalonso · May 2015

Please do listen to the women above. I can understand that you love him but it so seems like you know he's not a good influence, otherwise you'd still be with him. I'm a child psychologist and work with so many kids who have been witness to domestic violence. Some have seen it, others over heard it. These kids suffer A LOT. Sometimes they feel responsible for protecting their mom (a burden a child should not have to carry). Many times they are also angry with the perp and with the non offending parent for not taking more care of them and themselves. In no world is a relationship with this man good for you or your baby.

Dani7237 · May 2015

I'm sorry but you have some hard choices to make. I was around men like your ex growing up, like my uncle. He was a great dad 98% of the time, he just had a really bad temper. One night he ran a bath for his two little ones, then went to answer the phone. The kids took books that were in the hallway and dumped them in the tub. He came back in and lost it. He beat a 3 and 4 yr old black and blue over wet books. So yeah things might seem great but a violent temper can snap at any time. Your guy already has charges against him, 4 at that! The charges are with different women.... look at what the common denominator is. You need to run and get past any feelings you have for him. Plain and simple, your child deserves a better role model. If you choose to keep him in your life all visitation/interaction needs to be supervised. Please be careful.

dalzien · May 2015

I love my hubby to pieces, and let me tell you I always thought he would never hurt a fly. When our DD was first born he wouldn't help at all. I was up all hours.. and for the first 3 weeks I got maybe 2 hours of sleep a day/night. It was so bad I had started to hallucinate. When I spoke to my doctor about it he told my husband to take DD for a night so that I could actually sleep. I went to bed at 8:00pm and not even 20 minutes later I hear him screaming. He was yelling at DD to "Shut the fuck up, what the fuck is wrong with you". That was the single scariest moment of my life. I jumped out of bed, grabbed her away from him, and called my parents. I'm only sharing this story because even though you think you know someone YOU NEVER REALLY KNOW. Children's Aid got involved and he had to go to mandatory counselling and doctors visits every week. After 12 months he was given the ok, and the case was closed. He was suffering from a male form of PPD and was too ashamed to let me, or anyone else, know... and now this will follow him for the rest of his life. If your boyfriend has 4 domestic abuse charges... guess what you have no idea how he will react when you're not there, and to be honest his track record speaks to the kind of individual he is. I've know DH for almost 12 years and I never, NEVER would have expected that it would happen. I never left her alone with him after that, and I seriously considered divorce. Now that he's better I am able to trust him again, but I know when the new baby arrives that it could happen again and I will have to be strong and put my children before how I feel about DH. This will be a permanent stain on our lives.

mmk29 · May 2015

I completely agree with what other posters have stated. I hate to be the mother that says you're in for such a change with a baby, but you are. There is really nothing that can prepare you for a newborn. Nothing can prepare you for the stress response you feel when they're screaming at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night. Although you may know that's coming, you may not realize that they have razor sharp finger nails that will be cutting you as they struggle away from the bottle/breast. Sometimes you just want to cry, sometimes scream, sometimes you just need to put the baby back in the crib and walk away for a minute. Knowing what a newborn child is like, or even a toddler, I would walk through fire before I let my child be alone with someone who has already proven themselves to be abusive in stressful situations. My husband and I are very fun loving down to earth people, our son is a happy little boy, but he tests our patience every single day.
I know that you love this man, I'm sure that he truly is happy about the baby. However, he is not a father yet and you have no idea how he'll react when the stress response kicks in, and it absolutely will. Please listen to the advice given by these ladies, please don't ever leave your child's safety up to this man.

Boudin&Crawfish · May 2015

If you don't believe these women I urge you to at least try going to a social worker or counselor. They may be able to help you understand the situation from a different perspective.

geologynerd · May 2015

I'm just gonna throw this one out there too. Men are more likely to kill their partners while she's pregnant.

rox7777 · May 2015

As someone that has been through two abusive relationships I can tell you that if the temper is there it can be taken out on anyone. You're pregnant, you have no idea how he will be with a child. He may love your child now and seem caring, but honestly, children can add a whole new level of stress and anger to a relationship. I once moved to a different city to escape a relationship too. From what I experienced, if it's that bad there's no way you should condone your child being around that behavior. Children learn from their parents as their main influence. If dad had a very short temper and is violent, it's something that can easily be picked up. I encourage you to find a counselor experienced in domestic violence and also a group. Talking to women in person and hearing their experiences put my own experiences in a whole new light. Even if he never hurts your child, would you want that kind of influence in their life? If my son ever treated a women they way my exes treated me, I'd march him to county lock up myself. Think of all the women he has hurt, better yet, ask if you can talk to them and really consider what you're talking about exposing your child to.

vrossolille · May 2015

@missemmawoodhouse that story is terrible! Prayers for that little girl, Maddie. I'm confused as to why she would move in with the parents that a used him to begin with and leave her child there. So sad. Exact example of "love is blind" poster please let this story change your view.......

babypeach15 · May 2015

This guy sounds like bad news to me, since you are first time parents I don't think you realize the stress that a newborn can bring you. It can be overwhelming and stressful to both parents. If your child's father loses control he could hurt not only you but the baby. Shaking Baby Syndrome is real and happens everyday. Please make sure you are 100% comfortable around him before you trust him with your baby. He may be great to your unborn child but an unborn child does not cry, wake up every hour, have to be changed, and need attention around the clock, once you have the baby it is a whole new ball game sweetie!

missemmawoodhouse · May 2015

vrossolille said:
@missemmawoodhouse that story is terrible! Prayers for that little girl, Maddie. I'm confused as to why she would move in with the parents that a used him to begin with and leave her child there. So sad. Exact example of "love is blind" poster please let this story change your view.......

Oh, they were living with HER parents and Madison lives with her mom, not the ex's mom. Madison has a great life now. She even went to prom this year.

riott1977 · May 2015

This makes me really sad. Many women on here have given you great advice. I too was in an abusive relationship with my youngest son's father. It started off slow, at first I knew he had issues with the woman he dated before me, but he tried to convince it was all her fault, but it wasn't long before it went to me. He had two children already who he seemed to be really great with. At first it was not too severe and few and far between and he always had excuses for it. Then over time it got worse. Eventually my older 4 year old son had a few suspect accidents in his care, and I just knew in my heart that something wasn't right. When I first left him he broke in the apartment I was staying in, dragged me out of bed, and started kicking the crap out of me, breaking my ribs, my sternum, knocking a tooth out. I just prayed to live. My older son wasn't there at the time, thank God, but my 3 month old infant was. It was also only 3 months after having a c-section and I was sleeping when the attack began. You'd be surprised what people are capable of, I was. I would have never thought he would do that. It was hard to come to terms with, because my infant son was his child, but I left, moved away where he couldn't find and went to court to have his parental rights terminated. He hasn't seen my son since he was 3 months old.

I am thankful for that decision every day of my life. My younger son is quieter, and does not handle yelling and aggressive behavior well. I really think if I had let him be his father, he would have been mean to him to try to "toughen" him up, and it would have been devastating.

I really think people who are abusive to others are troubled and unless something happens that makes them decide that want to change their behavior, it just gets worse and worse. You have to be a pretty low man to abuse women and children. You almost guaranteed to win, so there is is not battle there, just asserting of dominance.

My boys are now 19 and 15 and are doing really great. I am glad they don't have to remember that horrible part of our life. It breaks my heart that it took as long as it did for me to figure it out.

thefithuntress · May 2015

Thank you for sharing your story, @riott1977 ! You sound like a strong woman and great mom.

Squirtgun · May 2015

Please please listen to these amazing strong women who have gotten themselves out of horrible situations! As others have said, having a newborn is a very high stress situation, and anyone who tends towards violence in this way will probably be triggered by baby or you at some point. Maybe not right away, maybe not for a while, but it only takes one time for a baby (or you) to be seriously hurt or worse!

ashleywuli · May 2015

Wow all of these stories are heartbreaking! I really hope the op and any other women dealing with these surcomstances really listen to the wonderful and heartfelt advice from the ladies above. I have no useful first hand advice but i pray you listen to have you have read and get out of this situation. I am sure it won't be easy but think of how heartbreaking it would be to have your sweet newborn hurt or worse. Good luck! Prayers will be with you and your baby.

ohmyminniejean · May 2015

All of this advice has touched me in more ways than i thought possible.. Very terrifying.. I am very happy that I did move as far away as I did, the good part is that I dont plan on leaving this place, and he doesnt plan on leaving where he is. I dont want anybody to ever hurt my baby, hell, IM NOT THE ONE TO BE PLAYED WITH! I will do life without parole for my child! But, id rather not have myself in a situation where id have to do that!
I know whats its like to have a newborn, I forgot to mention that Ive had custody of my 3 year old niece since she was 3 months old, So i lots of experience, and I know exactly what you ladies are speaking of about 2am mornings, excessive crying, and pushing the limits to my sanity! ....But he doesnt, and you ladies are right.. Ill never know how he will react to my crying child. If i leave him alone with BV ill never know! I cant take that risk knowing his temper...
Still being very early, (and very far away) Ill have time to think everything over and figure out whats best!
I really appreciate all of you ladies' opinions. I am taking ALL advice to heart..
Thank you so much..

lovearoo · May 2015

Just wanted to throw my 2 cents in... I hope you get full custody asap, because my apartment manager had a husband like that. He never actually touched their son but he was so traumatized by his environment that the kid is an absolute mess.... He has no idea how to interact with others his age, he has 4 different psychological disorders, and can be an absolute nightmare for his parents, and exhausting... They will never know what kind of kid he would have been had he not grown up around her ex.
The boy acts out after visiting his dad, and hates going but feels like he has to "because he makes his dad a better person". So the father messes with his son psychologically... Please don't do that to your child. Just run. I've seen your future and it sucks. Way more than having nothing to do with him anymore.
Love should never hurt.
My ex (and first boyfriend) was very jealous and crazy, with a nasty explosive temper. He was choking me one night and his sister had to pull him off. Another time he threw my wooden brush at my face and it hit the bridge of my nose... It was never over anything remotely important either, it could be absolutely anything that set him off.
So I hope you have nothing more to do with him. A messed up child is the best scenario with a man like that, because you or your baby could even end up dead.

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