How do you cope?

psychbabe314 · April 2015

At first I was panicked, we had not been trying for a baby but here I was, a positive pregnancy test in hand. Then, right as FI and I started to get excited about being pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I spent 4/23 in the hospital and they monitored me for several hours. I don't want to go back, but I think that insisted I come back around the middle of May (Translation issues, I live in Japan). I keep telling myself that this is for the best, that we were not ready for a baby yet anyways. But, it still hurts. I haven't told anyone about the miscarriage, except FI who did all of the translating that day. To top it off, 4/23 was the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I did not think that my FI was upset, but then he came home after a couple of drinks and we both sat down and talked and spent several hours discussing the future children we wanted, names we liked, when we would consider trying for get pregnant. It felt so therapeutic at the time, but he doesn't seem to want to talk about it when he is sober and I just want to talk about it more. How do you cope between a couple? How do you cope with a miscarriage? I just feel hurt and lost right now.

bntfroggie · April 2015

I try to remember that different people handle a loss differently, maybe it hurts him to talk of the future considering the loss you had just had in the present. I know for my husband and I we needed to put away everything baby related, (maternity clothes from my cousin, u/s photos, pregnancy test) into one room of our house and just shut the door, until we were both in a state of mind to open the door and come to terms with it. It has only been a week, I would just give some space for processing. It is a lot to go through no matter if you are the mom or the dad.

I hope that helps and I am so sorry for your loss.

carrieandr · April 2015

That's a tough one. The best way I cope is to believe that I will be pregnant again soon. But if yours was unplanned and you aren't ready to try again yet, that's a whole different situation. You will do it eventually, though, so that may still help a little.

My secondary coping mechanisms are to give myself things to look forward to, and keep busy with projects. I also come to this site like crazy, but I'm not sure how long I would have kept that up if I wasn't planning to try again soon.

My husband was more affected than I expected when I first told him, but he didn't cry or anything. Since then he has been sympathetic, but he also says things like, "It really isn't a big deal, we can have another one." I know that's his way of comforting me, so it's okay. (Although obviously it is a big deal.) The other night he brought it up himself, which made me realize that even though he seems okay, it's still on his mind. He said it's sort of like climbing half a mountain and falling off, and he was reassuring me that when we have our baby all of this will be worth it. I wondered at the time if he was reassuring himself, since he was the one who brought it up. Guys are funny about feelings, so it's hard to read them sometimes. Some days I'm more okay about it than others, so I imagine they have ups and downs too. (Milder ones, perhaps.)

If talking about it helps you, we are here. It's been 5 weeks since I found out about my missed miscarriage, and 3 weeks since my d&e, so I'm dealing with it pretty well at this point. (Dealing with the post-d&e bleeding and undetermined cycle length is my bigger focus these days.) But today I happened upon a photo of my ultrasound on my phone and it brought me down a bit. --The tech wrote "Here I am!" on the ultrasound. For some reason that really bugged me. If there's a good outcome, that's cute. If not, it's just an inappropriately cheerful message from a baby that didn't make it.

Sorry if this got long and rambling. I hope you start feeling better soon.

thistle8677 · April 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Coping for me at this point is just getting through one daily task at a time.
My SO is very supportive but I can tell that it's starting to wear on our relationship. This was our 3rd loss in a row, so we have to get some genetic testing done etc.
I wish I could feel excited about trying again, but I'm just scared for that.

I hope in time you and your FI come to a place when you can have the conversations about moving forward together with TTC.

valleric · May 2015

My husband has been very supportive. We both wanted this baby so badly (had tried for a year) so we both have a broken heart. I try to share what I'm feeling with him and don't keep it bottled inside and ask him how he is feeling and what not. Luckily for me he is pretty forthcoming.

kimey1 · May 2015

My hubby was the one that said "It happens. It's why we were waiting till 12weeks to share the news. It just wasn't meant to be. It's ok."

He's also been the one checking whether I am physically and emotionally well going through the process. He also made the extra trip to the doc's office today. But when he came back, he was exhausted and couldn't get up from a long nap.

It seems like he's been bottling up his emotions while taking care of me. So tonight we had a movie night with an easy homemade dinner. After the procedure yesterday, downtime at home is doing both of us a lot of good

psychbabe314 · May 2015

Thanks for all of the kind comments, it really helps to hear things from everyone. I still haven't decided whether or not to tell my mom, but with the miscarriage having happened on my dad's anniversary... she struggles with depression enough and I can't imagine telling her that I had a miscarriage on that day would be good for her.

I asked my husband to stay home tonight, so that we could watch something on netflix and have hotdogs and our last box of macaroni and cheese until we visit the states, I think just some down time, with the two of us could be good based on what all you ladies said.

Thank you

carrieandr · May 2015

Gosh, it would make it a lot harder to not be able to tell your mom. I can see why you didn't though. Maybe in time you can tell her.

whitneydpc · May 2015

Sorry for your loss. Having been through it twice now, there's no right or wrong way to cope. The only advice I have is to focus on taking care of yourself and realize that you're going to need some time to grieve. Regarding how to deal with talking to your partner, I think that will come with time. Right now, you both need to cope with it in your own way. For the first couple weeks, just making it through the day is an achievement.

spatter1 · May 2015

*Edited because I completely failed at trying to quote!*

@CarrieandRay I wanted to quote what you said about having things to look forward to. My husband and I just decided to plan a long weekend trip at the end of June so we have something to look forward to. I'm hoping by that point the physical reminders of this miscarriage will be over if not at least very diminished and maybe we'll even be ready to start trying again. At this point I don't want to wait, but don't know where I'll be emotionally 6 weeks from now.

I've also started reading blogs and threads about successful pregnancies after miscarriage. This board is very therapeutic for me and i'm so grateful to have this place to vent and support each other but reading the success stories really helps me think about the future in a positive way. It really is a day by day, hour by hour, even minute by minute struggle at times but I have to believe that we can't feel this way forever and it WILL get better. Hugs to everyone!

carrieandr · May 2015

@spatter1, I'm glad you're planning a trip. Not only to have something to look forward to, but also to have some much needed relaxation with your husband. And I lurk on the pregnant after a loss board. Happy stories help me too.

How do you cope?

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