distant husband

mamaromeo · May 2015

My husband has been very distant lately. He doesn't want to open up to me, plays games on his phone or sleeps when he's home, and doesn't seem to have any excitement for our future, baby and otherwise. We are getting a new house ready to move into in about 4 weeks, as soon as our son finishes school for the year. He doesn't help me with packing and preparing, and gets irritated when I try to get him to do things, saying I'm "rushing things". Unfortunately, things won't pack themselves and I work full-time so we don't have the option to leave things to last minute.
I don't know if his behavior is just a response to stress, if he really doesn't care anymore or about the baby, or what's going on, and he gets angry if I try to get him to talk to me about things.
Has anyone had something like this happens, and if so how can I make things better? It just makes me feel very alone in all this. I was a single mom with my first pregnancy and was looking forward to sharing this time with my spouse and having support, but it feels Iike I'm on my own all over again.

tylery · May 2015

My fiancé is the same way (sometimes). Maybe it's a guy thing. I think women can handle pressure and stress a lot more than our other half sometimes... But not much you can do except say what you need to say and he'll have to do the rest to meet you halfway.
My fiancé has been more helpful and caring for the last month. Definitely appreciate his effort after going through the phase of feeing like he doesn't care enough

laurena612 · May 2015

I don't know what to say to help you.. Must be a guy thing cause mine is the same at the minute! He's currently at the bar with his buddies (and mine!) while I am At home with our unsettled 2 year old. I feel for you at the minute - im sure it's because we are so much better at dealing with stress. My husband just goes into himself doesn't want to talk about it and gets fed up if I do! I've come to realise it's just how he's wired, the good does outweigh the bad though. I'm sure things will get better soon especially when the baby arrives, try to keep your chin up and take care of yourself x

mzhines26 · May 2015

My husband does the same thing he on his phone and tablet all day and when he not he sleeping all day and up all night. He is not really attached to the baby as I thought he would be. This is my first child and these last 6mos have been stressful and pure hell so I understand what u dealing with just try and stay claim and stress free as I can

gokahne9 · May 2015

Men aren't really good at planning ahead or playing the "waiting game." Once the baby is here, I'm sure he will be a lot more involved.

CaliforniaDream87 · May 2015

I'm not going to say this is a "man thing" because not every man reacts this way. You said you guys are moving in about a month with a new baby on the way. That could be stressful. Not making excuses but some people don't handle stress well. If my H was acting this way I would sit him down and have a heart to heart. Make sure you aren't going into this conversation with accusations. Start with "I feel like..." And see how it goes.

Really hoping you see some change here. I feel for you ((hugs)).

bj1987 · May 2015

Same here but even sex is like rarity and found out recently he's been watching porn and I am infuriated by it.

Blairbear28 · May 2015

We just moved and my husband is the opposite as far as preparing. I feel like he was asking me to pack things 3 months before and it was way too soon in my books. He is a little distant as far as the baby goes but it's hard for them to really understand the baby thing until the baby is actually here. I finally drilled into him in the last week that if I am tired or have done too much it is bad for baby.

KristinaD217 · May 2015

@bj1987 Why does that make you mad?

I hope that you can have a heart to heart with your h. I'm sure it would ease your mind. Best of luck ok?

ChristyM87 · May 2015

gokahne9 said:
Men aren't really good at planning ahead or playing the "waiting game." Once the baby is here, I'm sure he will be a lot more involved.

A bit of a gross over generalization. My husband is more of a planner than I am.

Saratiff · May 2015

ChristyM87 said:

gokahne9 said:
Men aren't really good at planning ahead or playing the "waiting game." Once the baby is here, I'm sure he will be a lot more involved.
A bit of a gross over generalization. My husband is more of a planner than I am.

This exactly... My husband is a total planner. We didn't plan on having a baby yet but my husband has been crunching numbers ever since

jemholo · May 2015

Saratiff said:

ChristyM87 said:

gokahne9 said:
Men aren't really good at planning ahead or playing the "waiting game." Once the baby is here, I'm sure he will be a lot more involved.
A bit of a gross over generalization. My husband is more of a planner than I am.
This exactly... My husband is a total planner. We didn't plan on having a baby yet but my husband has been crunching numbers ever since

Agree 1000%. There is nothing I hate more than the posts that say things like "men can't multi-task, men don't handle stress well, men will never "get" what it means to be pregnant until the baby arrives." There are all kinds of men, just like there are all kinds of people. Just because some are single minded jerks who can't empathize and/or handle stress doesn't mean all men get a pass to act like assholes all the time. It's no better then when people assume thet ALL pregnant women are crazy hormonal rage monsters who can't get their shit together. Give men a little credit and expect more from them!

mamaromeo · May 2015

@jemholo I wouldn't say my husband is a single-minded jerk so I hope that's not what you were implying about the men that have been behaving this way. I'm genuinely concerned and wanted advice from women who have been in the situation and hearing the best way to handle it. Hearing how your husband or others that haven't behaved this way at all isn't really the point of this thread nor is it helpful.

akumatora · May 2015

I asked my husband for his male interpretation of the topic, in his eyes at least it's a biological need for a man to fix things. To make us feel better. While we're pregnant, they can't do that, so it makes them feel useless which can lead to cutting themselves off a bit.

vtgoodspeed · May 2015

My husband is going through this and his is caused by depression that wasn't treated. Every situation is so different, but I feel so unloved and have no idea what is going on. I get resentful having to do everything and feel like a single parent right now. I hope all your husbands break from this as I hope mine does too. Mine is seeking professional treatment at last. Mine has a very difficult time at opening up and communicating with me (which bothers the crap out of me) and your guy might have that problem too. Try to stay positive and do your best while taking care of yourself. I know it is easier said than done.

bj1987 · May 2015

@KristinaD217 it makes me mad because he hasn't been into it until Recently and now that I already feel unattractive because of my size and weight he not only says he's too tired to have sex with me but he's sneaking around watching porn only while I sleep. Makes me feel like he thinks I look disgusting or something .

sjra1028 · May 2015

I know how you feel. That's all my husband does. He's addicted to game of war or whatever it's called. He's attached to his phone like it's an appendage. Today I'm organizing all of the baby stuff bc my baby shower is right around the corner. He's spent most of the day with his ex and daughter. Supposedly her whole family was going to be there for their daughter's bday. It ended up just being the two of them. So I'm taking my rage out on my closet and focusing on that. Hopefully he'll come home and get excited over the baby stuff. Who knows.
My best advice, which unfortunately is easier said than done, just keep your chin up. He'll come around. Sometimes it's harder for guys bc they can't feel what's growing inside of you so they have a harder time making a connection.

jemholo · May 2015

mamaromeo said:
@jemholo I wouldn't say my husband is a single-minded jerk so I hope that's not what you were implying about the men that have been behaving this way. I'm genuinely concerned and wanted advice from women who have been in the situation and hearing the best way to handle it. Hearing how your husband or others that haven't behaved this way at all isn't really the point of this thread nor is it helpful.

My comment wasn't directed at your original post, but more at the responses that say things like "men don't handle stress well" or "men don't get it." You're right to ask for advice and worry if your husband is acting abnormally. I personally would find it unhelpful to have received comments that give him a pass for being distant based on some mistaken belief that that's just how men are! So, no, I was not saying your husband is a singleminded jerk. In fact, I was saying the opposite - when men act like jerks we should be concerned about it, not just assume that acting like a jerk is just part of male nature. I hope you get past whatever is bothering him and things improve for you.

ccrisanto1 · May 2015

I have a few close friends whose husbands are sex/porn addicts who acted this way and especially when their wives were pregnant or just had a new baby the husbands started really acting out and even cheating on the wives I am not saying this is necessarily the case but @bj1987 comment reminded me of this. I know a lot of people do not believe that sex/porn addiction is a real thing, but believe me it is. I have seen it. Husbands become distant, moody, not helpful, detached from family, lots of time lose interest in sex etc. just a thought. I hope it is just stress for those of you who are experiencing it though. Obviously I would not wish a cheating husband on anyone.

mamaromeo · May 2015

Thanks for the input everyone. I do have hope that things will get better, I just wished there was something I could do to speed up the process. I believe prayer is powerful, so that's something I will continue to do about this situation.

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