Husband cheated

ameares721 · May 2015

I am four months pregnant and found out this past weekend that my husband has been having an affair for the past six months. The woman was completely in shock as she had no idea I existed, much less that I was pregnant, and apologized profusely. I felt as though he was trying to get caught - almost like begging for help to stop. We have been together six years and this baby is our first and he is genuinely excited. It hurt SO much the first couple of days (because duh) but I'm kind of over it now. Is that weird?! It was completely sexual, not emotional and I know this was an issue within himself and not my fault. He is so happy to not carry this secret with him any more and has been very open and honest (even to questions it hurts me to ask!) so I feel like we can salvage this. We had our first counseling session and I didn't even cry when he said out loud he had an affair so I feel like I'm healing. I asked him to go to confession and he has one scheduled for this weekend. Anyone else ever been in this situation or something similar? Definitely not staying just because of the baby, but obviously that is an important variable. He's been respectful and understanding of my feelings and need for time/space. Our marriage counselor said he's never met a woman who handled infidelity (especially during pregnancy) so well, but I have an MS in counseling and I'm thinking about it very analytically. Would love some honest feedback from those with similar experiences. I understand if you think I'm crazy for staying and I don't expect you to know the dynamics of my marriage, but it would be nice to talk to someone who gets it.

27alex · May 2015

I'm a dirty lurker from TTGP but first, I'm so sorry.

I don't think you're crazy for staying or wanting to work through things. I just hope you put yourself and your baby first. Remember, if he's done it, it may not be he first time and he'll be capable of it again.

Good luck.

alexazen · May 2015

You're not crazy. I haven't gone through what you are going through so I can't relate. So sorry, I'm not the person you're looking for who gets it. But I do know that life is not black and white. If you two love each other and want to be with each other then you will work it out. You wouldn't be the first married couple I know who dealt with infidelity and decided to stay together. I think it's amazing you are handling it so well, and if those feelings change please don't hesitate to reach out to your counselor or family/friends to help you get through it.

LLynde5 · May 2015

I don't think you are crazy at all. It's your marriage and if you feel like its worth fighting for and have the forgiveness in you heart, then it sounds like you are doing the right thing for you. Counseling is always helpful. Best of luck!

zaclina · May 2015

First of all, it's your life and you're going to find the best path for you and your child. Take care of you, lady.

I have been cheated on and have a similar educational background. It's very normal for it to take some time, months even, to feel all those other feelings like anger, hurt, disgust in their full glory. Compartmentalizing is sometimes different from being adjusted already and accepting and I've confused numbness myself for being "okay". Hopefully your marriage counselor will explore with you how you are coping so analytically, etc. And let me just say I don't know you and have never walked a day in your shoes, so if any of the above doesn't fit you, I truly mean no harm and please disregard it. It seems like you are doing what works for you right now, and that is okay! And if you change your mind, that's okay too! I hope you have people in your life who are giving you support without judgment. All my best to you.

MamaOwl15 · May 2015

You're doing the right thing going through counseling. It will take time to rebuild trust between the two of you, but it can be done.

jenn2132 · May 2015

My best friend went through it and it was very difficult but they stayed together and worked through it. I believe people can make mistakes and be remorseful we are all human and flawed. Marriage is tough but as long as you're talking and able to truly forgive people can overcome it. Best of luck to you!

nsaid4u · May 2015

I admire you for staying and trying to work through this problem as a couple. People give up on marriage way too easily these days and it's good to see you are fighting for your marriage.

Knottie96391996 · May 2015

If I was in this situation, my husband would be calling every urologist in the area to get his penis reattached to his body. I applaud you for being able to handle this so well. I think between hormones and my heart, he'd be gone before he could even say sorry.

ameares721 · May 2015

Thanks everyone! I was nervous to post for fear of rude comments on such a touchy subject, but you are all very encouraging and gracious. It's not easy by any means, and it's hard when I actually think about what he was doing when I was oblivious but in some ways it has truly been therapeutic to have a renewed honesty in the relationship. I have complete access to his phone by his choice, he no longer has a personal bank account, and he's happily obliged to all my requests to work on the relationship. He also said that I can walk away with everything at any point if it becomes to hard for me. I feel his shame and guilt are sincere and he has recommitted himself. By no means do I trust him implicitly anymore, but he understands it could take years to build back.

McRad · May 2015

Marriage is about two people who are good at forgiveness. I, personally, applaud you for staying and working things out. Too many people throw in the towel over one mistake-- yes, a very hurtful mistake-- and forget about all the love and happy times.
I have never been in your shoes and I am truly sorry you are having to experience this but coming from parents who threw in the towel without working on their marriage, I think it is a commendable thing you are doing, both you and your husband.

LiveNLove44 · May 2015

When I saw the title, I was reluctant to open it because I feared another rant about a SO with little direction. It might seem odd to say, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that your post is about something that makes sense to me. That is, the way you experienced it initially, and the way you are approaching it with your husband makes sense to me. I can see the value you give your commitment to your husband, and I hope you two will continue to grow through your counseling in your understanding of your relationship.

Whether the counseling leads to an improved marriage, or to a less desirable outcome, I am hopeful that you and LO will be well supported by those around you!

MeganKGarcia · May 2015

I have been cheated on and, in my experience, once the trust is broken it can never truly be fixed. To me, I always wondered where he was at, who he was talking to, and what was going through his head. If he wasn't home on time or didn't pick up his phone then the questions would start stirring around in my head. Obviously every relationship is different so I can only speak to what I have been through.
I have now been with my husband for 6 years who didn't cheat on me but did drunkenly message an ex-fling a few years back. I decided within 20 min that I could believe him when he said that he hadn't ever done it before, would never do it again, and that it never went beyond that one inappropriate convo... Or I could leave. I chose to cautiously believe him. He's never given me a reason to worry again.
I wish you nothing but happiness in the future, be that with or without him.

twogirlsandagreen · May 2015

I personally would not be able to get past it (my dad is a serial philanderer, so there is just too much damage in me already), but I commend anyone who can work through it. My aunt and uncle had to deal with the ramifications of an affair about 8 years in to their marriage before children. They have the absolute best marriage of any two people I have ever known, so they are living proof that it is possible to pick up the pieces and rebuild with a stronger foundation. It took time and a lot of work, obviously, but it is possible. Hang in there lady.

Rachel623 · May 2015

I only have experience in this area from it happening to a close friend of mine. Her husband cheated while she was pregnant and after. She found out about it when the baby was really little. He was not as forthcoming and it was awful for months. He was horrible to her including giving her an STD and threatening to take their kids.

She forgave him and they seem to be happy. Meanwhile, all of our friends still hate him. I've tried so hard but I hate him. My husband used to be his friend but now he hates him. It's awkward because nobody wants to spend time with him and it's not fair to my friend. I find myself trying to find ways we can get our kids together without him. Then I feel bad when I realize what I'm doing.

You're going through something really tough. You are the only person who can decide what's right for you. I just wanted to caution you to think about who you open up/vent to. They might not be as forgiving and it could affect things long term.

I hope everything works out for you and your family.

tate62610 · May 2015

I will start by saying I'm truly sorry you're even having to deal with this. I'm glad to hear yall are pushing to make your marriage work

I hope you two come out even stronger in the end.

The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" absolutely does not apply to all. Just know that for if/when yall rebuild that trust.

Good luck, mama

crbpjb · May 2015

So many people will tell you about how they could never stay or they would handle it differently etc., but don't believe it. No one knows until they are in your shoes. Every situation is different and every person is different. Just be prepared for the fact that you could be in an amazing place one minute and a terrible place the next and that's okay. You're an amazing, strong woman. Always remember that.

rms924 · May 2015

I admire your maturity and grace. I think you have to do what's right for you and baby, and it sounds like this is what you are doing. Your are going to be an amazing mom.

I haven't been in your shoes but I second @crbpjb. Unless someone has been there, they don't know. I had an ex cheat on me- ended up breaking off an engagement years after the event because I just couldn't live with it and it drove me into a deep depression. But there are major differences here so that's why while I can empathize I don't feel like I have a direct comparison. 1. The guy and I were not good together from the start and 2. We weren't married. Now that I'm married I have a different perspective and I think I would think long and hard before discarding my marriage.

Thoughts and prayers are with you

you are incredible woman, and I hope everything works out for the best

Krysta6 · May 2015

It sounds like you are handling this incredibly well. My mom was a cheater when I was growing up but it wasn't one person it was really anyone she could find. It went on for maybe 6 years and caused a lot of damage. I've always said that if my husband cheated I would leave, but now that I'm a little older and married I would say it depended on the situation. If it was just sex (and not 6 years) there is a chance I could trust him again and we would go to counseling.

I honestly feel like there is no one size fits all way to handle this and counseling is your best solution. Maybe even some individual counseling for you so you can sort through all the crazy feelings you are likely having. Good luck to you and your family :-)

Rikki_5 · May 2015

My experience is truly once a cheater, always a cheater. And yes, some people may "change" but they are the minority. It may be great for awhile but what about down the road when all this is ancient history. Are you willing to go through it again? For me, there would always be that little doubt in the back of my mind. Trust is everything, if you break that in my opinion you can't work it out. I'm sure there are some who have but they are rare. I just don't want to see you 10 years down the line, 10 years older, 10 years more invested and have to go thru it again. It being "just a sex thing" is no excuse. Sorry, but I'd have to say OH hell no to his sob story or his new found ability to be honest and forthright. That's just me though. I hope it works out for you and your child.

jenspeake · May 2015

I completely understand and would do the same thing. If this would have happened before we got pregnant and no kids were involved....I'd probably tell him adios. But now with kids involved I would want to try to work on it and see if the trust could be rebuilt. Hope that everything turns out for you!

koriemo · May 2015

I think that you're handling this very well! The part of this story that gives me hope is that he knows that he did wrong. I hope that he is able to get counseling and get to the root of his issues and that you two will maintain that honest communication as your marriage continues.

Leabyrd · May 2015

I agree with everyone, every situation is different and we all have our personal feelings about how much we can tolerate but I keep going back to the fact that your a mother now and the example you set for your children should be priority. My personal example would be to show my daughter you never put up with someone being disloyal and treating you like that or a son showing that that's not how men should be treating women especially women they love and the mother of their children. That's just my personal take but like I said everyone sees things differently. If you can go through your situation strong and feel good about moving forward then power to you! I don't think I could do that.

266psyche · May 2015

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. How brave of you. It sounds like you know that your marriage can be saved, and your doing your best to make that happen for your family.

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