I've been thinking about this a bit. For those of us who live a little outside the majority - like are vegetarian, or agnostic as two examples - do you plan on raising your kids as such? And how do you plan on explaining it to 1. Your kids or 2. Others?
We are non-religious and don't plan on bringing up our child as religious. (Although we both understand the value of community that church can bring, it's not our thing).
I don't think our families will be shocked but would still love to hear others thoughts - particularly (and this is maybe very philosophical): when should you or shouldn't you pass your beliefs into your kid? Is raising them non-religious the same as raising them vegetarian for example?
Definitely not trying to start some crazy hot-button discussion today but maybe I'm just into some deep thoughts on a Thursday
We are not religious either but we have discussed the idea of God and religion with our 4 year old. She's asked about it from hearing from other kids and people and we give her a pretty generic answer. We don't discourage the idea or encourage it. If later in life she wants to make a choice to be religious that's up to her and we have no desire to sway her one way or another.
We are not religious either, and don't plan on introducing religion to our child. I don't plan on encouraging my child away from religion, either, tho. I'm sure my kid will be naturally curious and ask about why other kids go to church, or use certain religious phrases, etc. When we get these inevitable questions, I'll answer them to the best of my ability - something along the lines of some believe in this, others believe this other thing, mommy and daddy believe this. And if they want to know more, then we'll go out and try to learn more. Curiosity and a thirst for knowledge are kinda my thing, so I plan to encourage that in regards to all things, including religion. I just hope that my kids exposure to religion isn't in the form of someone telling them they are going to hell because we don't attend church, or whatever. Tho, in that case, I would consider that a learning point as well... That some people can take religion from the gentle faith it could be and make it hateful
My husband and I are not religious but live in a very religious area and my in laws (DHs whole family) attends church weekly. It's just not for us. I know the kids hear about church all the time from friends. For instance, the neighbor boy taught them a song called "Follow the Prophet"...well, my boys sing it as "follow the closet".
I have celiac too but my kids eat gluten. They have so many other allergies that I hate to deny them things that they can eat. We have had them tested for celiac and they don't have it (at least for know).
We're not religious and my husband comes from a country where Buddhism is more prevalent, though he is agnostic. I was raised Christian and I do think I got some good values from it (love thy neighbor, forgive your enemies, etc) so it will be interesting to try to impart the good values of religion to our child without actually sending him to church or Sunday school all the time as that isn't our intention. I also wonder how I will explain death to our child. When I was a child the concepts of heaven and God were used, so death wasn't that upsetting to me, but as I got older I took on a more agnostic view as I was exposed to more different beliefs. I have the impression some children raised to believe there's nothing after death can be anxious and fearful about it, which I don't want. Deep thoughts indeed! I don't really care what my extended family thinks...the only one who is really Christian still is my mom, and we have plenty of other things to disagree with her about. We won't be letting her tell us how to raise our child. But if someone in our family does take our son to church or expose him to Christian views, I won't be upset or anything. I hope our child will learn about Buddhism and meditation too from my husband's side of the family and so on. I want to let our child have some of the positive benefits of religion without any of the extremism that sometimes goes along with it. And to teach tolerance for other religions/world views is important.
As a practicing Catholic, I fall within the traditional norm, but I often feel out of place within my own generation. My husband and I both value our faith a great deal and we both feel that we really benefit from being a part of a strong faith community. However, we try not to make our religion obnoxiously obvious to others. We practice our faith and do our best to live it, but we don't want to project a "holier than thou" attitude. We feel that what's most important is that, regardless of religious belief, one tries to be the best person possible and as long as that effort to be a good person is made, that's what matters. We hope to model this for our future children. Interestingly, this isn't always encouraged by our families. My FIL scolded me around election time because I voted for a pro-choice governor since I genuinely thought he was a better candidate even though I don't agree with him on every issue, and my brother recently criticized a former member of our church for "turning his back on Jesus" and converting to orthodox Judaism. Both my brother and my FIL are generally good people, but their judgment of differing beliefs and opinions bothers me. I hope to raise LO to understand what our faith is REALLY about, rather than using it as a platform from which she can turn down her nose at people. Hopefully she'll embrace it as DH and I have, but if she doesn't, I hope it's because she feels that she's a better person without it.
First off, what is the "norm"? When I grew up, I lived in a neighborhood where everyone was catholic and we all went to one of two churches very single Sunday. That is no longer the case. I attend church and am active in my church community. My husband finds God in the woods. He's suportive of where I find peace and I am supportive of where he finds peace. Our daughter attends mass and, when she is old enough, she will decide whether or not she wants to be confirmed. I don't think there is any right or wrong way... you just need to find the way the works for your family.
And the food thing... I don't think that's even relevant. I have food allergies... so there are things I can't eat. My husband and daughter eat them. Do I think we're outside of the norm... no. A friend keeps Gluten free because she feels better. Good for her. It does not impact me and it makes her happy.
I'm a teacher and trust me there is no norm...at least where we live. It's an extremely diverse area. I feel lucky that our son will grow up learning and accepting others. I also have a niece and nephew. My niece is adopted from China and my nephew (also adopted) is also a different race than we are. I love that in our family there's no normal...only love!
Religion is sticky for me because I enjoy going to church and finding peace there. Although I do struggle sometimes with my beliefs, I do believe in God and Jesus and find a peace in it. My husband...not so much. I definitely want my son to have that peace though. When my mom passed away, prayer and faith carried me.
I am hoping to teach my kid tolerance and acceptance first, and to discuss our own personal choices within that framework. I grew up with a Jewish democrat father and republican Baptist mother (they've been married almost 35 years and while my mother is now a general Christian democrat, their different beliefs was never an issue). They did a great job of teaching us that we were seeing examples of how to live but that there is not one right way to think/believe/live. We were exposed to many different cultures, races, religions, and taught Equality above all else.
DH is atheist/agnostic but surprised me in agreeing to bring up LO Jewish (which I chose when I was 13 - that's another thread). We talk a lot about making sure LO is exposed to as much diversity as possible. Hopefully that instills the lesson "there is no norm" that other PPs mentioned.
I love this thread and seeing all the good values listed here. Gives me hope for this world. You're all gonna be such good parents!
My DH and I are not religious people, though we do believe in God. I struggle with the limitations of religion that exclude certain people or choices. Generally I believe that if you follow The Golden Rule, you will be in alignment with most values. I believe in acceptance and living an authentic life. Explaining death to a kid is an interesting topic, especially when they are two. I don't believe in labels of heaven or hell, though I do believe in an afterlife and souls that have been a part of our lives guiding and protecting us from "the other side," even our furry friends. I received a lot of clarity on my spirituality in the last couple of years in reading two books that really spoke to my soul. It all just made sense, so that's probably how we will raise out children. My side of the family is religious and doesn't fully understand my beliefs, but we're getting there. DH side is mostly Jehovah Witnesses, which scarred him greatly as a child. He won't touch religion with a 10 ft pole.
As far as diet goes we mostly push non GMO foods or organic. I'm not crazy about our food system being hijacked by a company that profits off of poisons. We a mostly organic diet to avoid excess pesticides and artificial additives, colors, and preservatives in our diet. I cannot prove it, though I have a strong instinctual belief that there is a link between food allergies, autism, and increased cancer rates and GMO foods so we do our best to limit them. If people have questions on why I choose this path I'll answer them, but I'm not here to judge either way or to win you over to "our side". It's a choice like most everything else in our lives.
@lovethatcolosun I am the same way about organic eating. We try to eat mostly real foods and to avoid GMOs although we do eat out more often than I would like. Especially during pregnancy. I'm hoping to find a balance for our son. I don't want him obsessing about food, but I want him to know the importance of healthy eating.
Sometimes I feel so out of place in trying to live as simply and naturally as possible, especially with people looking at DH and I like we've sprouted extra heads when we mention we're avoiding certain baby "must haves" (like Johnson & Johnson products, a stroller, a musical baby swing), but we just prefer to live this way and we definitely want to instill in our kids that A) what you own doesn't determine the quality of your life and it's important to be aware of what goes into the products you use and how they affect everything. So...we'll definitely be raising our kids to value awareness and be content, yes, and we'll have to throw in there the importance of tolerating others' lifestyles as well. Just like we aren't crazy for cleaning the kitchen with vinegar and washing our faces with honey, other people aren't evil for swearing by Clorox and sudsing up with, I don't know, Neutrogena.
@karaelaine1991 my DH and I are a lot like you. We are catholic and practice our faith on a regular basis. But yes I do not force my beliefs on anyone. We will raise our son catholic and he can pick at a point if he wants to be or not. On another note...... My weird parenting thing is I will NOT be a pinterest mom when it comes to 1, 2, 3, or even 4th birthdays........ I will do family parties at our home that are personal but I'm not going all out because it's not really For the kid when they are that little.... It's for the parents ego. The kid is too little to have "friends" and impress them. When he gets to be school age we will do what he picks for parties etc.....
I don't have any specific food preferences for my child as far as gluten goes.... I do worry because like @laurendutch my husband has Eosiniphilic esophagitis...... So I'm praying my kid does not inherit this!!
@karaelaine1991 my DH and I are a lot like you. We are catholic and practice our faith on a regular basis. But yes I do not force my beliefs on anyone. We will raise our son catholic and he can pick at a point if he wants to be or not. On another note...... My weird parenting thing is I will NOT be a pinterest mom when it comes to 1, 2, 3, or even 4th birthdays........ I will do family parties at our home that are personal but I'm not going all out because it's not really For the kid when they are that little.... It's for the parents ego. The kid is too little to have "friends" and impress them. When he gets to be school age we will do what he picks for parties etc.....
I don't have any specific food preferences for my child as far as gluten goes.... I do worry because like @laurendutch my husband has Eosiniphilic esophagitis...... So I'm praying my kid does not inherit this!!
Yes the "Pinterest Mom". I was relieved when we went to our first friend party in our current neighborhood and it was a party just like the ones I went to...pin the tail on the donkey, duck duck goose, singing songs and freeze dance.
@klkonwi I feel the same way about Pinterest! I do plan to have family birthday parties back in our hometown because it'll be an opportunity for us to actually see our families and I take any excuse I can get to do that, haha. But these will basically be just a cookout at a park, super low-key - and perfect for a June baby!
I actually really like my parents' approach to kids' birthdays. We only had birthday parties for our 6th birthday (kindergarten), 10th birthday (4th grade), and 13th birthday (8th grade). They let us choose what we wanted to do, within reason - so, in my case, I had a tea party, an ice skating party, and a murder mystery party. It was awesome because it made those birthday party years extra special and I think it taught us that we weren't entitled to a party, so we should be extra appreciative when we got them. It also was helpful for my parents, because even though with 6 kids they still did end up doing at least one birthday party a year, better 1 per year than 6 per year!
Yeah my sister nannies and they threw their 1 year olds an entire zoo party and filled the back yard with a petting zoo..wtf.... They are one!!!! They will not remember this!
We plan to have our boys plan something special to do with a friend, like go bowling or to the movies. I hope to only do a party every couple of years. We usually end up with a family party (dinner) with grandparents and cousins. My neighbor recent had a bday party for their 4 year old at Chuck E Cheese. They invited 24 kids thinking only 12 would show up...nope all 24 kids came. It was $12 per kid!
@karaelaine1991 my DH and I are a lot like you. We are catholic and practice our faith on a regular basis. But yes I do not force my beliefs on anyone. We will raise our son catholic and he can pick at a point if he wants to be or not. On another note...... My weird parenting thing is I will NOT be a pinterest mom when it comes to 1, 2, 3, or even 4th birthdays........ I will do family parties at our home that are personal but I'm not going all out because it's not really For the kid when they are that little.... It's for the parents ego. The kid is too little to have "friends" and impress them. When he gets to be school age we will do what he picks for parties etc.....
I don't have any specific food preferences for my child as far as gluten goes.... I do worry because like @laurendutch my husband has Eosiniphilic esophagitis...... So I'm praying my kid does not inherit this!!
I'm just like the two of you, I'm Catholic and go to church regularly and we had our daughter baptized Catholic and my parents gave me the choice if I wanted to remain Catholic or go my own way. I obviously chose to stay in the religion and we're going to have DS baptized Catholic but we will give both of our kids the option as to if they want to stay in the faith or go their own way. I am also not a Pinterest mom for birthdays. DD is 3 and we've had three family parties all with a theme but they were characters that she liked from TV and nothing over the top or crazy expensive. Some people go nuts on birthdays (especially first ones!) but that just isn't me.
That's funny you bring up birthdays, @klkonwi ....I have been thinking a lot about DD's 1st bday on July 2, and with being due June 23 with DD2, I wanted to just skip it!! She's only one, doesn't mean anything to her, etc, but then I thought, man, she's gonna want to see pictures some day and ask "mommy, what was my first bday party?" I didn't want to have to say, "Nothing." SO.....she is obsessed with our big, clumsy Doberman, so we're going to have a family/friends cookout a week after her bday with a Doberman cake (oh, Lord, please help me!!). It's what she likes as a less-than-one-year-old, and what DH and I would like to do...hang out with friends and family! P.S. Sorry for hijacking this post, a bit off-topic
And, even more off-topic, I feel like everyone (government, Internet, companies, etc.) knows wayyyy too much....just got an Oriental Trading magazine all about 1st birthdays! Yikes.
This is a very sensitive topic for me. I was not exposed to religion early on in life and having a mother who was raised strictly catholic, she felt mostly responsible for not raising us the way she was raised and for several bad life choices I have made. Though I cannot place blame on her, I can't help but wonder what would've been had I known what I know now. Being a Christian is very important to me and my family. DH was raised baptist and we are missionary baptist and are raising our kids to be such. Once they are old enough to investigate, which is actually encouraged in missionary baptistery, they can make their own decisions as to which branch or sect they'd like to follow. I feel I have much catching up to do as far as being knowledgable in answering their questions, if they ever have any, but DH is able to cover my gray areas. The only religious/non religious behavior I'm sure to not tolerate from my children is bible bashing. Or any religious bashing for that matter. It's not only about my beliefs but respect for a person in general. I am naturally curious for knowledge in all religions even if it's not something I believe or follow.
My lifestyle is naturally out of the 'norm' for many, which makes it both challenging and also inspiring. Along the way, I've made a lot of decisions that others disagree with, but then again, I think we all do.
As a vegetarian for over 25 years, I'm very committed to this choice. My kids (10 & 12) are both vegetarians; however, as I've explained to them, they're welcome to eat meat if/when they want to. I refuse to fix it or buy it, but their dad (my ex) is no longer a vegetarian and is likely more than willing to feed them such. To me, this is the crux of parenthood: We offer our morals and viewpoints to our kids and then we give them the freedom to explore, accept, rebel, etc. I'm grateful that my sons have chosen (so far) the path that I'd like and will argue vehemently for doing so, but I realize there will likely be a time that they test the waters, try to fit in, whatever and go a different route, if only temporarily. It's important to me that the decisions they make come from within their hearts and minds, not merely because "Mom said so."
I enjoy reading about other people's perspectives and life choices!
I was raised outside the norm I guess I went to catholic school but never to church. My mother and grandmother are agnostic, I'm a Buddhist. I would hope to teach my child that all religions showcase loving one another, and that to lead a good life to be a good person. My husband was raised christian and is now just nonreligious, and though I wasn't raised religious my mom is obsessed with Christmas. My in laws are incredibly religious and have at times gone way too far with their faith and us joining their faith. Dh and I are planning a very long detailed discussion when they take lo to go over what we are and are not ok with it. While I support all faiths, I don't support the message that one faith is right and everything else is wrong. Nor would I want my kid to feel that they have the right to judge another's faith. So it will be interesting, luckily I live in the most agnostic state in the union. Lol. So most likely the kid will be a meditating, caring, agnostic, christmas lover. If I'm lucky. As far as food, I'm really picky, and I want them to try lots of different stuff not just because I think it's good to try other foods but I think it's part of a cultural experience. Food defines many cultures in different ways and right now I just want to eat all the food.
We plan to have our boys plan something special to do with a friend, like go bowling or to the movies. I hope to only do a party every couple of years. We usually end up with a family party (dinner) with grandparents and cousins. My neighbor recent had a bday party for their 4 year old at Chuck E Cheese. They invited 24 kids thinking only 12 would show up...nope all 24 kids came. It was $12 per kid!
This is my nightmare. Chuck E Cheese grosses me out! And then having 24 kids running around there that you are quasi responsible for... NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! Ack.
I am very into eating locally sourced, organic and non processed. If people try to give my kid sugar, even at holidays I will be saying no... Sorry grandparents. This is until he is old enough to learn and understand about food and his impacts. Then he can make his own choices. Until then I want his palate to be developed clean and do not want him to get addictions to bad food that was pushed on him when he didn't know better. We can make special treats with honey, he won't be deprived ! Hoping to homeschool which will help but is a whole other topic that could be discussed here
Hi ladies, sorry to start the thread and then run off..... I post before work and then on way home so there's always a roughly 9 hour gap! I was really happy to see how this thread evolved and honestly how civil it stayed... I think that says a lot about us and how we will be excellent mommies
We certainly won't be baptizing or raising our kid in the church, mostly because we feel it's disingenuous and actually very unfair to the church to pretend we believe something we don't! But we wouldn't begrudge our child if they decided to join a faith when they were old enough to understand it and make a conscious choice. I was brought up Catholic (my great grandpa was a priest!) and DH has two Lutheran minister grandpas so plenty of exposure to go around.
Apologies for use of the word norm in my initial post - I struggled for a better word but simply meant making a choice that might put your child in some minority relative to his or her peers. No judgement on it! It seems we all kinda understood what I meant but just making sure I cleared that up.
DH and I both were raised in the church, however we felt as though we were forced by our families to believe a certain way. I personally rebelled against this as I got older because I did not feel that I was able to make decisions for myself. Based on our experiences with our churches growing up, neither of us believe in organized religion. We will not be baptizing our son or taking him to church, but when he is older and able to make educated decisions for himself we will support him 100% with whatever he decides regarding organized religion.
Our families will be against this but this is something DH and I both have a strong opinion on.
I live in a city of over a million and a half people. I'm not sure that there is a 'norm' here since it has such a huge diversity. I love that about here. It's a bonus. Like what my children aren't exposed to in our home, they will be in school or in the neighborhood or even in the grocery store. On that note, our 'norm' is hugely involved with our church. We attend regularly and are actively involved. My 8 year old attends a Christian school. Food rules involve eating as healthy as possible and treats in moderation. Considering some of the people we have run into, this sometimes seems the out of 'norm'. I'm a huge baby wearer and we co-sleep so I suppose that might be something that some people look at us funny for. But to be honest, it's because I am busy, I need my hands free and I like to sleep. I had one kid who wouldn't sleep without us and now that he has a sibling, I am happy to say that they can share a bed now and my husband and I can have ours back. Until this one is born, of course.
DH and I are Christian,vegetarian, rock climbers... so we're already used to not totally fitting in to either the church crowd or the outdoors crowd As far as how that affects our parenting, I guess we'll just be ourselves and do our best to honestly communicate why we make the choices we do.
I'm also happy to see a backlash against the extravagant b-day party! I appreciate that my mom always went out of her way to plan special events, but they were memorable without being over the top and not every year.
Oh, and I had a family member make her LO a very nice 1st b-day cake sweetened with applesauce and a yogurt frosting.Thought it was a perfect compromise and hope I can find the recipe next year.
Me-37, DH-38
Married in 2006, TTC #1 since Jan 2012
Baby Boy born June 1, 2015
He settles her in her home as a happy mother of children, praise the Lord! (Psalms 113:9)
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understand, will guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ (Philippians 4:7)
I never thought that bring a vegetarian makes me outside of the norm. A lot of people have a food they do not eat, because they can't or don t want to. I don't eat meat. I won't prepare meat for my family, but if we're at a restaurant, I'm not going to stop my child rom ordering meat if he or she wants it.
Re: Raising your kid outside the norm?
I have celiac too but my kids eat gluten. They have so many other allergies that I hate to deny them things that they can eat. We have had them tested for celiac and they don't have it (at least for know).
I don't really care what my extended family thinks...the only one who is really Christian still is my mom, and we have plenty of other things to disagree with her about. We won't be letting her tell us how to raise our child. But if someone in our family does take our son to church or expose him to Christian views, I won't be upset or anything. I hope our child will learn about Buddhism and meditation too from my husband's side of the family and so on. I want to let our child have some of the positive benefits of religion without any of the extremism that sometimes goes along with it. And to teach tolerance for other religions/world views is important.
Religion is sticky for me because I enjoy going to church and finding peace there. Although I do struggle sometimes with my beliefs, I do believe in God and Jesus and find a peace in it. My husband...not so much. I definitely want my son to have that peace though. When my mom passed away, prayer and faith carried me.
DH is atheist/agnostic but surprised me in agreeing to bring up LO Jewish (which I chose when I was 13 - that's another thread). We talk a lot about making sure LO is exposed to as much diversity as possible. Hopefully that instills the lesson "there is no norm" that other PPs mentioned.
I love this thread and seeing all the good values listed here. Gives me hope for this world. You're all gonna be such good parents!
As far as diet goes we mostly push non GMO foods or organic. I'm not crazy about our food system being hijacked by a company that profits off of poisons. We a mostly organic diet to avoid excess pesticides and artificial additives, colors, and preservatives in our diet. I cannot prove it, though I have a strong instinctual belief that there is a link between food allergies, autism, and increased cancer rates and GMO foods so we do our best to limit them. If people have questions on why I choose this path I'll answer them, but I'm not here to judge either way or to win you over to "our side". It's a choice like most everything else in our lives.
Great thread btw.
On another note...... My weird parenting thing is I will NOT be a pinterest mom when it comes to 1, 2, 3, or even 4th birthdays........ I will do family parties at our home that are personal but I'm not going all out because it's not really For the kid when they are that little.... It's for the parents ego. The kid is too little to have "friends" and impress them. When he gets to be school age we will do what he picks for parties etc.....
I don't have any specific food preferences for my child as far as gluten goes.... I do worry because like @laurendutch my husband has Eosiniphilic esophagitis...... So I'm praying my kid does not inherit this!!
My neighbor recent had a bday party for their 4 year old at Chuck E Cheese. They invited 24 kids thinking only 12 would show up...nope all 24 kids came. It was $12 per kid!
SO.....she is obsessed with our big, clumsy Doberman, so we're going to have a family/friends cookout a week after her bday with a Doberman cake (oh, Lord, please help me!!). It's what she likes as a less-than-one-year-old, and what DH and I would like to do...hang out with friends and family!
P.S. Sorry for hijacking this post, a bit off-topic
We certainly won't be baptizing or raising our kid in the church, mostly because we feel it's disingenuous and actually very unfair to the church to pretend we believe something we don't! But we wouldn't begrudge our child if they decided to join a faith when they were old enough to understand it and make a conscious choice. I was brought up Catholic (my great grandpa was a priest!) and DH has two Lutheran minister grandpas so plenty of exposure to go around.
Apologies for use of the word norm in my initial post - I struggled for a better word but simply meant making a choice that might put your child in some minority relative to his or her peers. No judgement on it! It seems we all kinda understood what I meant but just making sure I cleared that up.
Our families will be against this but this is something DH and I both have a strong opinion on.
On that note, our 'norm' is hugely involved with our church. We attend regularly and are actively involved. My 8 year old attends a Christian school. Food rules involve eating as healthy as possible and treats in moderation. Considering some of the people we have run into, this sometimes seems the out of 'norm'.
I'm a huge baby wearer and we co-sleep so I suppose that might be something that some people look at us funny for. But to be honest, it's because I am busy, I need my hands free and I like to sleep. I had one kid who wouldn't sleep without us and now that he has a sibling, I am happy to say that they can share a bed now and my husband and I can have ours back. Until this one is born, of course.
2nd round exp 8/20/18.