Planning Baby Shower Woes

pancakes08 · April 2015

Hi everyone, sincere apologies if this thread was already started. I looked through several pages and didn't see anything relevant. I just need to vent!

My Mom kindly offered to host my shower. I'm older, 31, and my husband and I have stable jobs so I feel weird asking for gifts. I told her I wanted to do something low key, just a BBQ with family.

While I was at my cousins baby shower last week, my Mom said the nastiest things about my registry to almost everyone who is invited to my shower. I'm really hurt because I put a ton of time into researching registry items and I'm really proud of it. I have 100+ items with a wide range of prices. My SIL was nice enough to give us lots of hand-me-downs so I removed any dups. My Mom said she refuses to purchase something on the registry because she's the grandma and shouldn't have to. Sure, I can stomach that, but after ripping on my items only a few shower guests are interested in my registry. I'm at a loss and don't know what do to or say to get this back on track. I really don't want to purchase everything on there!

Miz_Liz · April 2015

Your cousin said the nasty things? First, screw her, not her baby, not her shower, not her registry. But out of curiosity what was she bashing about it?!

pancakes08 · April 2015

No my Mom said nasty things about my registry and she's the one hosting my shower. So I now a bunch of family members have decided not to buy off the registry, too. I don't want to seem ungrateful but it's hurtful and I don't know how to get the ship back on course do I don't end up buying everything myself.

Saratiff · April 2015

I was totally with you until the last line. It ultimately is your job to provide for your child. People can buy as they please. The registry you put together will be included with the invite and people will choose to follow it or not.

With that being said your mom should have been nominated for twatwaffel Tuesday

Miz_Liz · April 2015

I think I would have a conversation with my mom about exactly what your post is about - how hurt you were by what she did/said and how you spent a lot of time on the registry so that people knew what you and your SO really wanted and/or needed for the baby. I think it is pretty lame of your family members who don't plan to buy off of it too, I personally always buy off a registry (and then maybe add a cute surprise) because a.) it makes it easy for me, I don't have to "guess" what the couple wants, and b.) Hmm...I had another point, but, well, pregnancy brain - it is gone

Anyway, don't let it get you down. Hopefully people give you gift receipts too if they venture off down their own path, and even if not, you can usually return for at least store credit if you get items you don't want or need.

cubberss · April 2015

I'd be pissed at my mom too, but no one is obligated to purchase from your registry. With my first I got nothing off my registry. It didn't bother me at all. It's the mom's job to buy what she wants for her own kid. There's nothing you can or should do to 'get things back on track.'

pancakes08 · April 2015

Thanks guys. Trying to stay positive and let it go. I really do need bottles and diapers not more clothes though!

Miz_Liz · April 2015

pancakes08 said:
Thanks guys. Trying o stay positive and let it go. I really do need bottles and diapers not more clothes though!

'

Maybe talk to your mom and tell her if she is going to tell everyone your registry sucks and not to buy off of it, could she at least encourage anyone who is not going to buy off of it to either get a gift card or include a gift receipt? Since she is the hostess, she can spread the word. I still think you need to let her know though that she was out of line, but that's me and I don't believe in biting my tongue if my mom pisses me off big time!

CaliforniaDream87 · April 2015

pancakes08 said:
Hi everyone, sincere apologies if this thread was already started. I looked through several pages and didn't see anything relevant. I just need to vent!

My Mom kindly offered to host my shower. I'm older, 31, and my husband and I have stable jobs so I feel weird asking for gifts. I told her I wanted to do something low key, just a BBQ with family.

While I was at my cousins baby shower last week, my Mom said the nastiest things about my registry to almost everyone who is invited to my shower. I'm really hurt because I put a ton of time into researching registry items and I'm really proud of it. I have 100+ items with a wide range of prices. My SIL was nice enough to give us lots of hand-me-downs so I removed any dups. My Mom said she refuses to purchase something on the registry because she's the grandma and shouldn't have to. Sure, I can stomach that, but after ripping on my items only a few shower guests are interested in my registry. I'm at a loss and don't know what do to or say to get this back on track. I really don't want to purchase everything on there!

I'm quite confused. First, you say you and your husband have stable jobs and you "feel weird asking for gifts" and then you say that you don't want to purchase everything on your registry. Which is it? While I understand that the idea of a baby shower has been misconstrued over the past couple of decades it really is a gift. They don't have to buy off your registry at all. I'm sorry your mom is speaking negatively about your registry. That sucks. Maybe talk with her and tell her how it's making you feel.

But again it's a gift. Most people don't shop off your registry anyway.

buckleyk · April 2015

Bottom line is that you can't control what gifts people do or don't get you. That sucks your mom doesn't like your registery! (I know- my MIL had a lot to say about mine the first go around!) But people are going to get you what THEY want to get you! You can't control that! Hope for a few practical friends who will buy you stuff you need and return/exchange the rest! And you don't need everything the day you bring the baby home. I know it feels like it but you don't. And luckily these August babies have Christmas/ Hanukkah right around the corner so if/when relatives ask what the baby wants, drop some practical ideas.

stow2009 · April 2015

Here's a plus to making a registry- a lot of them give you 10% off unpurchased items!

emmacake08 · April 2015

I got complaints (in a nicer way) that my registry wasn't big enough. I thought it would be weird to tell people what exact washcloths or towels to buy. I only put major one item things like a humidifier, grooming kit, thermometer, pack and play, boppy, etc. I just figured anything in the cute and multiple style realm, the gifter should be able to pick out. I guess all my relatives are addicted to registries now? And also, you really don't need that much for baby. Plenty of people get gifted nada and don't have to mortgage their house to buy a bunch of BRU crap that you don't necessarily need. Hope the drama sorts itself out

meli1112 · April 2015

I haven't had any comments about my registry (yet!), but I'm sure I registered for too much. I figure, even if nobody buys a thing off of it, I can at least get a discount on it all after the baby comes.

gokahne9 · April 2015

Is this your mom's first grandchild? Will she be keeping the baby at her house any? If so, She will also need almost everything on your registry for her own home. She can buy what she prefers then.

PixelPosy · April 2015

I'm with the others. You can't control what people gift to you. Hopefully they include gift receipts!

I used our registry basically for the completion discount on the items I knew I was going to purchase no matter what. If someone was gracious enough to gift it to us, awesome. I did get some comments from other moms about "oh they'll never use that", but like you, I had done hours of research selecting those items and picked them knowing I was going to buy them. People just like to stick their opinions into everything, especially about raising babies.

mrsfitzpatrick · April 2015

31 is def not older. Guests should respect your wishes and purchase from the registry.

CaliforniaDream87 · April 2015

mrsfitzpatrick said:
31 is def not older. Guests should respect your wishes and purchase from the registry.

And when they don't? This is unrealistic of anyone to expect "guest to respect your wishes" in regards to a registry. They will buy you what THEY decide to buy you. It's just the way it is.

This seriously makes me LOL that there is such a "great expectation".

jesicabrennan · April 2015

Until I had my own babies I never bought off a registry. Now as a mom I get it and always buy off the registry but I went to so many baby showers in my early 20s and just thought it was fun to buy baby crap. Keep what you want, return the rest but don't expect people to always buy off the registry! And yes, your mom is being kind of horrible.

joneka · April 2015

I would be pissed especially since people inquired about the registry (which to me seems they were looking for help picking the gifts that you needed or wanted...not just randomly). I would definitely have a talk with your mom.

sschwege · April 2015

mrsfitzpatrick said:
31 is def not older. Guests should respect your wishes and purchase from the registry.

Parents should provide for their children, the guests are under no obligation to do so. A gift is just that...a gift and the giver is under no obligation to 'respect wishes and purchase from the registry"!

Some of the best gifts I received were not off our registry. One thing comes to mind, a Woombie, it's this swaddling device that is absolutely amazing. DD went from waking every 1.5 hours at night to sleeping 4-6 hour stretches in it. That thing saved my life, but I guess our friend who purchased that wasn't being respectful by not buying off the registry huh?

holli0801 · April 2015

Ah! Just reading this makes me anxious. I seriously don't mean to be dramatic, but showers can get so uncomfortable!!... it sounds like you are having a shower for the purpose to celebrate your baby and not to get stuff! Which is why it shouldn't matter if they use the registry??... But, It would upset me if my mom was so childish about it... and I'd be reactive and just cancel it.

gmd88 · April 2015

I do think that it is courteous to buy off but I don't think it can be enforced. I think when someone purchases off a registry they are being thoughtful to what the receiver of the gift really wants/needs rather than what someone wants to give. I'm really hoping people use mine because it's practical and what we really need to be prepared. However, unless someone asks me directly, I don't think there's much I can do about it.

Kimk1616 · April 2015

Sadly, I never realized the importance of registries until I started thinking about having my own child. Then I started looking in to the things that you actually need for a baby and felt bad for getting the cute, frilly items instead of what the person actually needed. I learned my lesson though! All registries from here on out.

bpwife&mama · May 2015

I'm not sure I understand either. First you want something low key, but then you register for 100+ items that you really need to have? I can definitely fill you in as a STM that most of the stuff on your registry you won't even need. Narrow it down to what is a necessity that you feel like you absolutely need for the baby and see if people get it for you. Otherwise, grin and bear it. Older ladies love to buy clothes and crochet stuff.

TyAzaunti · May 2015

I sympathize with you in the fact that your mom bashed your registry that was completely inappropriate if she disagreed with the things on your registry she could've spoke with you privately & enlightened you with motherly advice in a nurturing way.
You can't force anyone to buy off your registry but you can return things at least for store credit & get the things you need.
For the people who posted that you're responsible for providing for your child, I'm not quite sure what that has to do with your post bc nowhere did you state that you weren't willing to purchase the items on the registry or wouldn't be grateful for other items you were just hoping to get the ones you researched & believe are a necessity if possible.
Yes, showers are a gift & but that doesn't mean that our wants can't be taken into consideration & hoping for the things on your registry doesn't make you ungrateful. Ultimately, people will purchase what they choose but it's unfortunate your mother persuaded them not to take your registry into consideration.

gulimz · May 2015

I'm really confused about your post like the others.... first of all 31 is not older ok? Lol. (Pushing 32 here) and if you don't want to ask for gifts, why are you set on people buying off your registry? Not everyone uses or knows how to use a registry. Which is fine. And plus, you throw a shower to celebrate your baby not for gifts (well you do but you don't at the same time ) . But I also feel it's really crappy of your mother to talk badly about your registry... that's not her place to tell people not to shop off of it. I think you should express to your mom how hurt you were and how ridiculous she is.

Savanna111911 · May 2015

That was really crappy of your mom to do and I see why you are upset about it. That being said, you can't expect everyone to buy off the registry. I have a small registry, 20 items or so, because I honestly don't expect many of my shower guests to buy off registry. Many of my guests will be older, which at least in my experience from my wedding those folks typically do their own thing (which is fine!) or younger and more into cutesy and frilly. Personally I didn't always buy off of people's registries until my own wedding where I saw how beneficial it can be. Now I typically do purchase from the registry if I can and maybe give an extra surprise or 2.

Perhaps you could scale your registry back and prioritize so that the folks who do buy off registry will be getting the things you want or need the most? Just make sure you still keep a wide variety of price ranges. I'm keeping mine pretty small and then adding a few more things after the shower for the completion discount.

Try to enjoy your shower and appreciate each gift. They are still meant to honor you and your precious baby.

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