"Are you Married?"

Megan072414 · April 2015

Anyone else get annoyed with this question? I work as a substitute teacher and meet new people all the time. My son will come up in conversations with coworkers and I've.. a couple times.. gotten the response: are you married? (I am not) I just feel like it is a rude question and that I'm being judged for not being married. Then I have to explain myself like, "yes I'm with the father, yes we live together..." When I was pregnant and showing I would get asked that all the time. I'm pregnant again..just not looking forward to when I start to show and random strangers feel like asking this question is necessary

gbbaby15 · April 2015

I totally understand you. I am not married and currently 11 weeks pregnant and I can already hear people telling me "i didn't know you were married" whenever they find out I am expecting. Oh well I need to figure out a smart ass comment to reply back lol

buckwheatpancakes · April 2015

I'll respond proudly "nope! We're not married. We're in love and happy." F- what others think! My pregnancy will cause a riot in my religious family for being out of wedlock. But that's only too bad for them.

Gapeach83 · April 2015

This sounds crazy but go get a cheap walmart ring that looks like an engagement or wedding band. When people see this they don't ask usually. Just wear it when you get your bump.

oliviaann91 · April 2015

I am married, but wasn't with my first baby. I was 17 when I had her. I've always looked younger than my age, which doesn't help. I'm 24 now, have been married 2 years, and we were trying for a baby this time. The question I get tired of is "oh my gosh, how old are you?!" My response is usually "old enough". People are annoying and nosy.

tayzav · April 2015

My boyfriend and I aren't married, on here I refer to him as hubby just cuz it's easier but any other time it's just boyfriend. I had a MMC back in November, was almost 13 weeks so ppl knew, and during that pregnancy it happened a couple times. I got even more offended when the Doctor I worked for's wife had the audacity to take me out of the banquet room during or Christmas party, apologize for my loss which was the week before, and then say "it's ok, you'll get pregnant again, but this time maybe you can get married first." I was so livid, not even offended just maddd! Then to top it off right after that she asked me to introduce her to my BF and before she walked away she said, "get a ring on it before you get busy again, doll," with a wink. I could have thumped her had she been anyone else but my bosses wife haha. I fully intend on saying something smart ass to anyone that has anything to say about it this time around. I'm totally happy and in love and marriage will come if and when we are ready. It doesn't affect our feelings or relationship in any way. We're just concentrating on a successful pregnancy this time along with a happy healthy baby. Whatever comes in the future will come when it's meant to be.

jfrenes23 · April 2015

People need to mind there own business!! I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I wasn't married to my husband when we had our first. We were 16! But plenty of people had there opinions about some how being 16, pregnant, and married then made it all ok. We stuck to our guns and got married when we wanted to!

thegingeravenger · April 2015

@tayzav - I am SO sorry that someone had the audacity to say that to you. What a... You know what, name calling would get me banned. But you have the self control of a saint.

Honestly, I am the queen of not confronting people. I've just been looking at the very few people who ask like their insane, but I'm about to switch up my approach. I'm going to start saying "excuse me?" (Based on a thread in here dealing with another inappropriate question situation that I can't remember for the life of me).

sadyy131 · April 2015

I'm almost 20, in college and it seems like EVERYONE knows exactly what my boyfriend and I need to do. One person says we should get married, another says we should save our money and not move in together blah blah blah. Like please mind your own business! When people judge all I can think is, "well you aren't carrying or raising this child" so clearly their opinions shouldn't matter. But I feel you, even though pregnancy out of wedlock is more common now a days, there always has to be one person to judge.

MadBloom · April 2015

I'm also a substitute teacher and look quite young. I don't necessarily have adults ask me but the kids do all the time! I've mentioned my daughter and they give me very shocked looks and say, "you have a daughter?! Do you have a husband too? You're married??"

The question that I find extremely rude is when adults ask "were you trying?"
How is that anyone's business?!?!
And how if your legal marital status anyone's business?! Annoying.

VexyMommy · April 2015

My boyfriend and I have been together over 4 yrs and I'm 12 weeks pregnant. I've actually been pleasantly surprised by the lack of people asking when we're going to get married.

When I was pregnant with my first almost 10yrs ago I was married and got a lot of people asking if I was married because I wasn't able to wear my ring. I feel it's more an age issue than anything. People feel they can ask those they deem very young anything.

dhimango · April 2015

Ugh I get that too. My favorite part is after they ask if I'm married, they feel the need to ask "so.....is the father.....involved, or....?" My boyfriend is overjoyed and is so so incredibly excited about baby. I can't imagine him being more involved. But even if he wasn't...it's so rude to ask.

Kitta+1 · April 2015

Lol, like it's anyone else's business. I am not married - we were engaged before I got pregnant, but I decided to push the date back because I didn't want to be pregnant (or still struggling with pregnancy weight) at my wedding.

Shannab1234 · April 2015

even being married doesn't change this let me tell you. "Oh, you're having a baby? How long have you been married for?!" It's just as awkward as saying your not married. The question only changes to 'how long'. Let alone my mother treats me like I committed some horrible sin for getting pregnant so early into our marriage. Our pregnancy wasn't planned but still. Being pregnant is a huge commitment and I admire many women who allow themselves to go through with it whether planned or not. Thanks for letting me vent, and sorry for the annoyance level of this post.

amwright33 · April 2015

Trust me when you are married they find other offending things to say. My fathers family keeps asking if this is going to be our only one and that I shouldn't stay home but work. They think we should only have one. They are still bitter that I eloped. Dated the guy for 4 years and been married 3 years.

knrickert · April 2015

I am married but would never think of asking someone this question! Chances are, if they are rude enough to ask you if you are married and are trying to judge you, they have their own issues. If I were in this situation and someone asked me if I was married I would say "no, we're not married but we're happy. Are you married and are you happy?" Answer their question with the same question and watch them squirm! Just because someone has the piece of paper doesn't make them a happily married couple and usually the ones bold enough to ask have their own insecurities!

VexyMommy · April 2015

^^ These are probably also the people who will try to touch your belly and/or tell you the most horrific labor stories they know later in your pregnancy after you've started to really show. Rude people will always find an excuse to be rude.

knrickert · April 2015

@VexyMommy- so true! Why is it that women like to tell the most awful pregnancy/delivery stories to someone that is pregnant? When I was pregnant with my first, complete strangers would come up to me and start telling me about their previous pregnancies... how long they were in labor, how terrible it was, etc...I learned to tune them out and went on to have a GREAT labor and delivery with my daughter but I still can't understand why they would tell me their horror stories (like I wasn't already terrified being pregnant with my first!) Some people....

AnnamariauDoris · April 2015

Well sometime it just slips out. I actually found myself asking if someone is married, but it wasn't to judge. I wasn't married with my first so....but I think the stupid mentality of the country that I live in is just so around me that sometimes I fall into it without even knowing....here jo date for some time, stay engaged a few good years. Get married , have children. It is so everywhere.

ColoradoHiker · April 2015

Yeah, being married really just leaves you open to other questions you don't want to answer, such as: you didn't tell me you were trying (why would we??), how many months has it been? Followed, or preceded by, were you actually trying or was it a surprise? Are you breastfeeding bc breast really is best. Ugh.

jayleekaye · April 2015

I've had several people ask if my boyfriend and I were going to "try to squeeze a wedding in before the baby". WTF... My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married but it will be on our terms and not just because we're having a child.

Megan072414 · April 2015

Wow, so glad to know I'm not the only one! Can't believe the things people have said to you all! I have the same problem as a lot of you. I'm 24, but get told on a daily basis I look 17/18. So people are always shocked when I say I have a baby. And the people who ask me if I'm married usually have children my age. I mean, I'm sure there are SOME people who don't mean to offend me, but to me, it's impossible to ask that question without me percieving it as rude or judgmental.

babybean0015 · April 2015

Yes! I HATE and LOATHE nosy a** women!!! They just want to know your business so they can gossip behind your back. It's so sad...I hear ladies gossip all the time about martial status, age, number of children, relationship with SO, amount of money they make etc...etc.. I thought this gossip crap was over in JR High. I've just leaned that these women are just asking to be nosy and hurtful. I once had a fellow mom (that I met for the first time from my DD school) ask if my girls have the same dad!!!...so I LITERALLY WALKED AWAY! I may come off as rude but there is no room in my life for these women. Don't get me wrong I feel like if they take the time to know me first and are genuine down to earth people I'm an open book.

WeirdAlice · April 2015

I will be 21 in june.
I was pregnant once got married before the baby arrived was divorced a little later than a year after the baby was here and now 2 years later I'm on my second child with my bf.
We have talked about marriage but neither are ready for it just yet.

IV heard all.the "to young for marriage, to young for kids, to young to..."
I told my great grandmother when she ran her mouth about my life choices that when she writes my biography not to forget to mention the F*cks I don't give.

She almost had a heart attack and now only makes comments behind my back.

So that's my response to everyone that has to ask then get rude when I tell them the truth lmao.

elittler · April 2015

I am married, but there usually comes a point in my pregnancies where my fingers are too swollen to wear my rings.

I don't think I've ever been asked if I was married when I wasn't wearing a ring. I might be really rude if they did. I feel like that's very intrusive and rude and nobody's business. I would say that to the next person who asks. Why the hell do they care if you're married? It doesn't affect their lives in the slightest.

emilyealbers · April 2015

I got married at 21 right after college, and we got pregnant a year later. So I was 22 - 23 when he was born. I got asked all the time how old I was, if I was married, etc. so infuriating. My hubby who is a year and a half older than me, but looks even younger gets called "the baby with the baby" all the time. So annoying. This is # 2 for us, and people still ask us how old we are, how long we have been married, and make weird comments. Makes me want to scream. Ugh.

kbonel · April 2015

I can't wait for all of these terrible questions from my tactless co-workers. My favorites are going to be "was this a surprise?", "won't that suck doing it on your own?" (my husband will be deployed for all of this) "are you going to keep working?"... All none of their business.

thaniaalcantarr · April 2015

Yes happily married for 5 years and my second pregnancy with same offcurs

Kanne0729 · April 2015

Totally weird and inappropriate. I have never been asked this question, ever. If I was I'd probably try to think of something off the wall to say to embarrass them so that they regret ever asking.

rmbuchholz · April 2015

@thegingeravenger Exactly! I was thinking about that other board too about the rude (sister?)-in-law and how us conflict-avoiders sometimes have to stand up for ourselves a little bit more than we tend to.

I'm not showing yet, and no one has asked me if I'm married (though, that may be coming), but TONS of people (both here in Italy where we live now, and in Boston, MA where we came from) act SHOCKED and almost offended when they find out I'm married. I'm 26 now, but I got married when I was 21 and everyone says I look so young, I even had one person (a complete stranger) in the states ask me "why on earth would you want to get married so young? You're trapping yourself!" I had relatives who were also really 'concerned' about how young I was getting married (they called my parents to discuss the 'situation' - fortunately my parents and my in-laws were and are 100% supportive).

I've just been learning (throughout life, I guess) that responding with honesty and firmness to relatives, and pointing out the rudeness with strangers is maybe the best thing I can do. I don't want to make people feel bad, but when they ask incredibly rude or offensive questions I'm trying to learn to say something like "excuse me, but do you realize that is a rude/intrusive/insensitive question to ask/thing to say? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I need to ask that you be a bit more respectful of me." Or something like that. I think sometimes responding with a gentle tone, but very honest words helps people realize the awkwardness that they have created without giving them ammunition to talk about you. Imagine them going to someone else and saying "oh my gosh, I asked so and so if she was married and she asked me to be respectful of her!!! How dare she ask that I respect her!!" Obviously sometimes people lie and twist situations so that others will agree with them, and we shouldn't be controlled by gossipy people, but as someone who is trying to learn to be less and less affected by what people think, this strategy is helping me a bit.

Either way, I'm sorry that people are asking you such an intrusive question. That's frustrating and just upsetting

sherainegordon · April 2015

Yeah. When I told my boss I was pregnant that's the first question she asked, "Oh my goodness!! Where's your ring?" Then she made a face and asked what my dad must think! WTF! I was trying to discuss maternity leave and other work related things and she came out of nowhere with being so judgmental! And now everyone jerks asking if we're getting married soon. Ugh.

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