The SAHM vs. Working mom dilemma: What do we REALLY want?

lopezalonso · April 2015

I am sure that everyone on this board has at some point questioned whether to be a SAHM or working mom. For some, necessity determines that decision... for others, there's a little more wiggle room. For those with wiggle room, how did you make this decision?

I am finishing my PhD this summer and have a job offer for August. I am considering turning it down to be a SAHM with DD and this new LO. However, I am conflicted. On the one hand I feel like after so many years of study, it is not "responsible" to put my career on hold. On the other hand, I have always wanted to be a SAHM and it feels like this is the perfect transition time to take some time off. Plus, my LOs won't be little forever. I really want to be a SAHM but can't figure out how to be OK with letting go of work. It sounds fabulous but I just feel inexplicably guilty. Like I'm doing something wrong. I know it's ridiculous and I guess guilt is a feeling us moms will just have to get used to living with. How did you ladies make this decision and are you happy with the decision you made?

amh0411712 · April 2015

Is there a way you could do PT work? That way you get the best of both worlds??

I definitely hear what your saying tho, I struggle with the choice quite often. I currently work 30 hours a week, but have days where being a SAHM sounds like a dream and then days where it sounds like a nightmare.

Do some praying and soul searching and you'll find what works for you.

maura+c · April 2015

For me personally, I went back only three days a week after a three month maternity leave. I felt like I needed some away time, but still missed my little guy. Working part time gave me the opportunity to still feel like I was helping with the household expenses, but still gave me plenty of time to join mothers groups and spend time with my baby. I understand that you are conflicted and it makes sense after all that school, but like you said they won't be little forever. There is always plenty of time to go back to work when they are older or when you are ready. There is nothing wrong with taking a little time off to be a SAHM!!

ShianeNicole · April 2015

I also just finished college. Graduated in December. I was not planning on being pregnant only 4 months after I got married but I am. I am also making the decision to be a SAHM. It is very important to me. I have decided, for myself, that I can have a career after my children are in school. I just turned 24 so I've got time.

Princessbcw · April 2015

I'd say I would love to be part time because it gets you away from baby that you will appreciate.
I know we love them but it's good to have a place to go where we can focus on something for ourselves.
I think being a SAHM is the hardest job and being able to get away for 8 hours a day gives you a break from doing everything for your LO.

Barker2+1 · April 2015

I got pregnant with my first a month after finishing my masters in biology. I decided to be a SaHM because my specialty was in cancer research and purposefully causing cancer in test cells and growing a human just wasn't a good combo. I thought about going back to the lab after baby was born but the hours you put in a research lab during trials meant 14hr days sometimes and I just didn't want to be away from my child that much. I also wanted my son to learn morals and values from me not a center. Since we could swing it financially we did. I should also mention that my hubs travels frequently for work so there are some weeks when I am a single parent so it just didn't make sense for me to go to work. 7 years later I have 2 sons and am pregnant with number 3 and I have loved being home with them. I have worked some pt teaching as an adjunct professor at community college while my littles were in preschool and k but as of right now (we just moved states) I am staying home and not working. It is a very personal decision and I am not gonna lie it hasn't always been sunshine and roses but it has always been worth the sacrifices I have made. The hardest part for me has been making sure I take time for myself. I make DH take me out once a month for adult time and to eat a meal while it is hot and with no whining and once a month I schedule girl time either by myself or with friends depending on how I feel. Dh also takes me on a mommy and daddy only vacay every two years. It works for us but there were lots of tears and lots of stress while we figured it out. Science will always be there when and if I decide to go back but these guys are only gonna really need me a short amount of time. I love that I have been there for every major milestone in my kiddos life! Good luck deciding

wimamaof2 · April 2015

As of now, I will be a SAHM. We just moved to our new city 4 months ago and I have been busy getting the house ready and job hunting. Also, my hubby travels for work.
Best of luck deciding.

Squirtgun · April 2015

I went back to work from when daughter was about 3months old until she was about 11months old, and then I quit to stay home. You just have to make the decision that is right for your family. No matter which choice you make, someone will tell you that it's the wrong one. When I went back to work, I had people tell me that it was a terrible choice, and my daughter would have attachment issues. When I became a SAHM, I had people tell me that I was making a terrible choice, that daughter would miss her friends and be so bored at home! As long as you and your SO agree that it is the right choice for your family, either way, focus on that and not what everyone else has to say! The only other thing that I would add is that it makes it a lot easier to decide if you make a family budget as if you are not working, and decide if that will work for you.

smnewby · April 2015

I hold a doctorate degree and have 3 years of post doctorate work behind me. I would loooove to be a stay at home mom but frankly I make more $ than my hubby so it makes no sense for me to stay at home. Part time may be an option in the future but not the short term as those years of education came with a hefty student loan!

wedding crazed · April 2015

It's a hard decision for sure. After getting my degree and then moving up to corporate level it was a tough decision, but I am a SAHM now of 3, 4 in Nov. After #2 I worked from home doing contract work so I eased into the SAHM life. I had to get involved in other stuff to not go nuts as working gave me a lot as a women/positive re-reinforcement. I coordinate my moms group, which is a lot like working part-time and using some brain power. Got involved in lots of pre-school age activities to meet other moms/kids and not isolate at home. I wouldn't change it for the world now. The plan is to return to work when the kids go back to school, but we will see. Also, I put my license in retirement so I could re-instate if I ever need to return. Do what works for your family and don't feel guilty either way. As long as kids are loved and well cared for that's all that matters working or not.

hanse004 · April 2015

I'm having the same struggle. I'm an accountant and in a job I love but really like the idea of staying at home. I do have another option of working from home in a new and completely different field. My hubby makes way more than me so it almost makes financial sense for me to stay home since daycare and other work related expenses and taxes would basically eliminate my income. I definitely don't want to work for a couple hindered bucks a week. Being away from baby isn't worth that to me. But I struggle so much with the guilt as well. I have student loans to pay back and an expensive car payment to make. We will have to do some adjusting if I decide to stay home. We haven't made a decision, or even sat down and looked at all of our options yet. But I feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. Hopefully others can help us make the best informed decision for our families! Good luck!!

thefithuntress · April 2015

It's true that women really can't have it all (at once, anyway) unless we have a partner willing to make sacrifices. I used to produce TV shows for a living and traveled all over the country. I decided to pick a less stressful job that was easier for me logistically in order to start planning for a family. I love my new job and plan on keeping it- the hours are extremely flexible. I spend most of the time working from home, and when I do go in it's literally across the street. I know that most women don't have the same situation I do but I take pride in the fact that I very intentionally set it up that way, knowing I would have to work less when the baby comes.

Obviously the takeaway is "do what is best for your family," and I don't see anything wrong with making calculated decisions about your career and your life to suit your baby. I will likely be putting my baby in daycare a few days a week in the morning to get stuff done. Once the kid's in school I'll be able to hit the ground running again. I love working and it's important to me to show my child that hard work and a career is rewarding and they need to figure out what they love to do. I grew up with a single working mom and I never felt like her job negatively affected me. It exposed me to new people, education, and experiences that I want my child to have.

Cardiganmom2 · April 2015

I got laid off in the fall so I've been home with my 2 year old since then. I think I'm a better, more patient mom when I'm working. A newborn is a lot easier than a toddler though, I would've loved to have stayed home with her after she was born. But at this age I feel like she needs more than just me at home. And a newborn and two year old? I just don't know if I'd be able to handle it mentally. I don't know what my job situation will be before the baby is born. I'm hoping to be able to be home until the baby is at least 2 months, 3 months would be best. And then I'll either go back to the job I had or find a new one. It'd be right without me working too, so I'd rather live more comfortably. Part time working would be the most ideal though, I'd get some time away and make money and also get extra time with my kids. We will see. I haven't really started a career (just finished some certificates to hopefully help) so I won't have a gap there but the sooner I start a career the better!

HungryRunner76 · April 2015

We made the decision to have me stay at home with our first born. It was an extremely hard choice for numerous reasons but, ultimately, it was the best choice for us.
On the pro-work side, I had a job & coworkers I really liked and it was a fairly flexible job. I like contributing financially and having the independence.
However, thmy husband travels a good bit for work so that would require me to do literally everything for several days each month and with the commute I had, it would have been very rough on everyone. So, that was the main decision maker. Additionally, by the time we would have two kids in daycare, I would only have a few extra hundred dollars from my paycheck after the daycare costs. I wanted to breast feed and cloth diaper as well so staying at home allowed me to do those things with a bit more ease.

jessilee15 · April 2015

My husband makes enough so that I could stay at home, tbh it wouldn't even affect our lifestyle much (we live conservatively by choice already).

But I have worked for over a decade for my job - I'm a doctor. It's not really something I want to give up. I am hoping that once I finish my residency I can cut back to 3-4 days a week instead of 6 usually. I hate missing so much of my son's life and I'm worried about missing baby #2, but I am not cut out for the stay at home mom gig. I feel like I'm a better mom for being able to get out of the house and use my brain. I appreciate every second I get to spend at home!

MarchABC · April 2015

This is a pretty heated topic. I've said it before - the mommy wars are real.

It was the hardest transition of my life (I was a teacher) and it has never been easy but I have no regrets. This time in my kids' lives is so brief and I have had the privilege of getting to enjoy it with them. Ultimately, very hard but very rewarding.

I also work 2 part-time jobs which, for me, has been essential.

Good luck in making your decision.

Bettytteb · April 2015

I too am finishing my PhD this year and have a job lined up to start in September. I thought about whether I wanted to take a year off (knowing that being a long term SAHM is definitey not for me) rather than start the new job 7 months pregnant. But when I sat down and did some soul searching I knew that going continuing working is probably the right choice for me even though I do have some pangs of guilt about it. But in the long run I know that having the balance in my life that work provides (I LOVE my work!) will help keep me sane and happy, which will in turn make me a better mother to the little one.

ShianeNicole · April 2015

BTW I hate when people say "you're just a stay at home mom" There are people who have great work history and/or a college degree and have worked very hard their whole lives but choose to stay home. What exactly is JUST a stay at home mom anyway?? They do ao much! People are so rude!

wulfpackgirl · April 2015

I can not wait to be a SAHM. It will be tight financially I'm sure but I'm so excited about it! It's the one thing I've always known I wanted to do.

Cook3133 · April 2015

With one kid is was easier to still work, with 2 I went part time and with the 3rd cut back even more. With the 4th SAHM is my only way to go and I am loving it! I am doing online schooling and when my babies are a bit older I will jump back into the workforce gradually

. (My kids are 5,3,1)

lulamagoo · April 2015

It really is a personal decision. I don't judge moms that work outside of the home, I think that we all have to do what we need to do to make ourselves and our families happy. Do I sometimes envy families with the extra income or the freedom to take the day off when you are sick, sure. But at the end of the day, I am happy with our decision.

I think you have to look at it from that perspective, what will make you and your family most happy? What will be the best decision for your family?

And like others have said, this doesn't have to be a permanent decision. You may decide to go back and only work for a week. Or you may decide to stay home and end up going back to work when baby is 6 months.

kwaldy · April 2015

My husband and I are both active duty military. Being pregnant, the military provides me an option to get out, no questions asked... however, I think I'm going to stay in. Financially, I think we'd be fine on just my husband's salary, but it's nice to have a secondary income that basically ALL goes to savings for a rainy day. It's nice to have that backup as well, especially for the times that s**t hits the fan.

My biggest worry is that I get six weeks of maternity leave and then would have to put an infant in daycare, and I hate the thought of someone else raising my kids...
I'm very torn, and unfortunately, I don't have the option of "part time" work.

fitmomma1989 · April 2015

I want both! I am a personal trainer/ group fitness instructor. I take clients in the morning & get to bring my kiddo (4) with me when she isn't at preschool. Baby will come along! I love being able to get out of the house and get some paid adult time and then get to spend the rest of my day with my little lady!

ta78 · April 2015

I hate when people say .. "I don't want someone else raising my kids." It is an insult to working moms. I'm not the only one raising our children because my husband is at work everyday. Children in daycare are not being raised by anyone else. Children in school aren't being raised by their teachers. Do these people have an influence on your kids, sure, but so do many people in the lives of those that SAH.

To answer the question though, it depends on your situation. If I were in your situation, assuming you have student loans and will be making a good income, I would probably work. In my situation, I have a bachelors degree and was still working a crappy retail job when I got pregnant with my first. It made more sense for our family for me to stay home than the small amount of my check we'd have after childcare. If you choose to work, don't feel guilty about it. If it's in your heart to stay home, don't feel guilty about it. Either decision will be what is best for your family.

Some things to consider.. How much wiggle room will you have if you don't work? Will you be able to get a job easily when you do decide to go back?

Kitta+1 · April 2015

I love my job, but I do wish I could stay at home for at least the first few years. Money is tight though, so I'll only get the 6 weeks then it's back to the grindstone for me, lol. I also don't want to quit because this place is a nice place to work, and openings are few and far between so I feel like if I am gone too much I'd have to wait until someone retired to get back in.

Michsmelle · April 2015

ta78 said:
I hate when people say .. "I don't want someone else raising my kids." It is an insult to working moms. I'm not the only one raising our children because my husband is at work everyday. Children in daycare are not being raised by anyone else. Children in school aren't being raised by their teachers. Do these people have an influence on your kids, sure, but so do many people in the lives of those that SAH.

PREACH.

kwaldy · April 2015

ta78 said:
I hate when people say .. "I don't want someone else raising my kids." It is an insult to working moms. I'm not the only one raising our children because my husband is at work everyday. Children in daycare are not being raised by anyone else. Children in school aren't being raised by their teachers. Do these people have an influence on your kids, sure, but so do many people in the lives of those that SAH.

To answer the question though, it depends on your situation. If I were in your situation, assuming you have student loans and will be making a good income, I would probably work. In my situation, I have a bachelors degree and was still working a crappy retail job when I got pregnant with my first. It made more sense for our family for me to stay home than the small amount of my check we'd have after childcare. If you choose to work, don't feel guilty about it. If it's in your heart to stay home, don't feel guilty about it. Either decision will be what is best for your family.

Some things to consider.. How much wiggle room will you have if you don't work? Will you be able to get a job easily when you do decide to go back?

I didn't mean to insult any working moms. I'm 99% positive that I will be one. Most of my friends are working moms. And my mom was one, even.

I guess I should have found a better way to express what I want to say. I guess what I mean to say is that it's extremely hard for me to imagine someone beside myself, DH, or immediate family having a serious amount of influence on my child. I know many children are in daycare with working parents and turn out perfectly fine. But as FTM it's hard to stomach someone else spending so much time with MY baby. I guess that sounds selfish, especially the emphasis on "my" ... but I would hope you all understand where I'm coming from.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a SAHM nor do I think there is anything wrong with being a working mom. It comes down to what you personally believe is best for you and your family and it's no one else's business but yours.

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