Out of control MIL

SharLovesAlex · April 2015

Let me start by saying this might be a bit long.

So my MIL loves to control her family. She loves to tell my husband what to do. It drives him nuts, especially now that he has his own family. She tells him to shave for special occasions because she doesn't like his beard, despite me telling her I like his beard. She wants to pick out shirts for him that she likes and tell him when to get a haircut. I find it bothersome because she doesn't respect what I like, but whatever. Now she's trying to tell me about my baby, though. She clucks her tongue when I tell her I still make him a formula bottle when we go out because I'm not comfortable breastfeeding in public yet, even though I ONLY bf when I'm at home. She asks me about my milk, is the baby getting enough? I asked her to place him in his bassinet when he was asleep so he'd get used to it, and she asked me why. I told her that he wasn't sleeping well in there and she told me I should let him sleep with us because that's what she did. I asked her again to put him in there, and she complained that he was sleeping comfortably and didn't want to move him. She bought a pack and play to keep at her place and she had a loose blanket in there and I asked her to take it out and she said that it was my husband's. Instead of just doing as I asked because he could suffocate! The last straw was last weekend, she came to go shopping with us for an outfit for Alex for the meet and greet that she's throwing "us" (but it's really for her because she invited all her friends and none of ours). She kept telling me he was hungry when he fussed. I told her he wasn't, he was just sleepy. She kept taking his stroller from me and going off by herself with him. She tried to get me to buy outfits she wanted him to wear (this all started because she didn't much care for his first outfit I bought him for the meet and greet). We left her with the baby for a few minutes while I went to buy a shirt to match baby's (we're doing photos that day). I come back, and she's feeding him! I'm pissed, but don't say anything...until I see him spitting up! My baby never spit up before! I was so fed up. My husband grabbed the baby and I snapped at her and said "I told you he wasn't hungry! Now he's spitting up because you're overfeeding him." He was probably crying because he wanted me, or he's just sleepy. She doesn't listen! And instead of asking if she can come over and what time is good for us, she just says they're coming or on their way. They're coming tomorrow, and I really don't want to see her. I'm tired of her coming over. The one friend I invited to the meet and greet she doesn't want to come because she's bringing her son (8 mos.) and she didn't want kids there . My husband is fed up with her because she's been doing this to him all his life, but that's their business. It's up to him and her to change that. But I need her to respect me as Alexander's mother. She's always calling him "her baby" and I caught her once leaning over him and saying "Let mommy change you". Total Freudian slip, right?! How do I tell her to back off? My husband has tried talking to her. I feel bad because I do like her, but she's really crossing some lines. I'm afraid if we leave him with her, she won't follow our instructions because she thinks she knows what she's doing..she's raised 2 boys, but things aren't the same as they were 30 years ago. I'm tired of her coming over and making me feel bad for doing things a certain way, and I'm tired of being second guessed. What do I do??!!

jesslynnw90 · April 2015

It sounds like you're just going to have to put your foot down and let her know that she's grandma and you're mom. What you and your husband say goes. I was in almost the exact same situation with my mother in law. She wanted to be called mommy Sophia. It came to the point where I couldn't handle it and I finally put my foot down and would not let her do anything that I didn't like. It did end up in a bit of an arguement but afterwards she understood where her place was and six years later we have a much better relationship. Just remember you are the mom. If she is Doing something you don't like, tell her. Good luck!

leibas · April 2015

I'm in a very similar situation. Ours came to a head on Easter and the air still hasn't been cleared. I feel strongly that my MIL needs to respect that she is the grandmother and I'm the mother. What my husband and I decide for our baby goes. For me it comes down to a matter of respecting my wishes and I feel like she doesn't and won't do it. I hope and pray that things get better for you and for me. Hopefully they will see they light and understand. Also hoping for some good advice from this thread.

SharLovesAlex · April 2015

@leibas I feel the same. I feel like because she thinks she knows best, she won't respect my wishes. I know she raised 2 sons, but that's the point: she raised her kids. She gets to do the fun stuff now. Be a grandparent! Instead, she wants to be a mom and doesn't give me a chance to do things. She even comes into the room when I'm changing him and has to put her hands in the way...like I need help changing him! She puts her hand on the stroller when we're out like I don't know how to push him alone...it's nuts. It needs to stop. She's been doing it to her family for so long, I don't think she knows how to stop herself from being that way. I hope that both of our situations improve or someone offers some advice. I'm not sure if I'm being crazy or if my feelings are justified. I hate my friends saying it's just hormones because I feel that it's not.

leibas · April 2015

@SharLovesAlex our situations sound more similar than I could imagine! My MIL also raised two sons and I feel like she wants to tell me how to raise our son as well instead of just enjoying the fun stuff and doing as we ask as the parents! I don't have the diaper changing/stroller pushing issues but she isn't here that often to have to deal with that. I honestly would go crazy if I had to deal with that. I don't think it's hormones and I'm lucky to say my friends don't think it's hormones either, but my MIL thinks it is and she made that clear during our situation on Easter. Let's continue to hope for good advice here but feel free to PM me if you want/need to vent.

KD32412 · April 2015

Hmmm... Well first of all, think of the positives: She obviously loves her grandson, she did a pretty good job raising her own sons, and in another few months she will be babysitting for free while you and the hubby have date nights!
That being said, I agree that she's stepping over the line and you need to talk with her about it.
I would focus on the positives first, tell her you are lucky Alex has such a loving grandma, and you appreciate that she cares and wants to help. You can even add in that she did a great job with her kids too. Then you could mention how now it's your turn to be the mommy and you hope she has enough faith in you to do the job.
Just be honest, without being too accusatory -as that may cause her to become defensive.

And as for her calling herself "mommy", that's pretty weird, but I've heard my MIL slip up a few times and refer to herself as "mommy" and grandpa as "daddy". It's a new thing being grandparents, they are learning too. Good luck! Hope things get better for you and the hubby.

secretbaba · April 2015

Gonna throw my 2 cents in and say exactly the same thing - I'm lucky mine lives out of town, but over Easter we were there for 10 days and mine also came to a head on Easter Sunday. By refusing to follow her 'advice' (read - orders) I ruined the atmosphere for Easter dinner and gave her a nosebleed. Things were very tense. She also waits until my husband is out of the room to tell me what to do. I think, unfortunately, a lot of mothers of boys are like this. I have a girl, but I'm going to take what I can from her behaviour and learn from it. My husband gets irritated sometimes with my mother, too, so I'm learning what NOT to do in later life. If we weren't moving half way around the world in August, I'd have more to say to her, but I can keep the peace for a few months until we're out of the way (and yes, that is part of the problem but that's a very long story for another day.)

klcarr19 · April 2015

I think that if you want her to do as you ask have the tough conversation and then say "if you cannot follow this you will no longer be allowed to be alone with our child." Its obviously a last resort... My MIL was obsessed with rice cereal saying my husband used the scream until she put it in him bottle and then he stopped... She keeps trying to tell us that we should do that with our 7 week old daughter (yeah freaking right!). When she kept bringing it up after I said no I finally said "if you can't stop obsessing about this you simply cannot be left alone with her... It will mess up her digestive system and if you bring it up again I am simply going to walk out of the room. Now will you stop." This finally got her to stop. My DH is an only child so imagine how involved she wants to be with us... But we set boundaries and say no a lot. I've also just got to the point where I walk over take the baby and walk out of the room and shut the door when she is being insulting to me. I tried the conversation but that's not how my MIL. She debates everything and jokes around about my feelings and I had enough. It's not hormones and do not let anyone tell you otherwise!

MNGirl106 · April 2015

I am going through the same thing with my SO mother and finally I had to tell her that if she doesn't respect the way that Garrett and I choose to raise our daughter, she can't be trusted to be alone with her.. She tries to change what formula we give her, tells us she won't give the trivisol and dha vitamins we give her, and she puts on Facebook how Olivia's her little girl and her baby...

leibas · April 2015

@klcarr19 ... I'm glad to hear someone has done those things with their MIL. I've always considered it but am scared she will "blow up" when I say that to her. My MIL has a temper and so do I but I'm usually very good at controlling my temper around her. After our situation on Easter we haven't spoken to her and my husband is on the same page as me that they owe us an apology so only time will tell if things will change.

SharLovesAlex · April 2015

Thanks everyone for sharing your similar situations...I feel better about mine so I know I'm not nuts! @KD32412 that is exactly what we tried to do. But it turns into a question of why we want to do what we want or why we want things to be this way. It's so hard with her! They came over today and Alex was crying when she was holding him and she kept telling me his tummy was upset. I told her it wasn't, he was just sleepy. She insisted and put him on her lap on his tummy saying "oh my baby's tummy hurts..." well, I thought maybe he just wanted me to hold him so she gave him to me and he went to sleep! I totally understand she raised 2 boys...2 boys that she drives insane with her overbearing personality! Obviously, I do not want to be that type of mother. And to be honest, I don't want her smothering my son to the point where he doesn't want to go to grandma's house. My mom kinda gets it, she let's us do our thing and does as we ask and never over steps her boundaries. My husband agrees something must be done to change this. @leibas I might if I get too frustrated! Same goes for you! Any time. I know how it gets. Thanks everyone. Anyone else want to share, vent, feel free.

babyh310 · April 2015

Oh girl. My heart goes out to you!!! First of all, never allow anyone to invalidate your mother's intuition or your instincts of how to care for your child by saying you're hormonal or too this or not enough that. You are his mama and YOU get to carry that God-given role out however you see fit (obviously some people abuse that and are unfit, but clearly you are not!). Secondly, this is a boundary that needs to he firmly in place or you will be doing this miserable dance for the rest of your life. You're family now, so you need to be able to coexist peacefully at the least. I think the way you go about this is probably just as important as what you say. I recommend thinking about what your limits are and what is most important to you that she understand and respect. Then I would ask her to come over or meet somewhere neutral, maybe even have her holding the baby, and validate what a great job she did with her boys and how thankful you are for the man she raised who became your husband and your sons father. Let her know you want her to be involved and you know she is and will be an amazing grandmother and important person in your sons life and you hope they are very close. Then tell her, at the same time when you do the opposite of what I want or tell me I'm wrong about how to go about caring for my baby, I feel like my right to raise my son and parent him how we see fit is not respected, and that is so hurtful and upsetting and sours our time with you. Let her know that every mom has the right to set her own standards, and just like she had that right and needed to do what she felt was best, so do you. Let her know you'd like to come to her for advice at times but that you don't feel safe to do so because it feels like you're always in the wrong. Try really hard to say the hard stuff, and say it clearly and honestly, while peppering it with validation of her and compliments toward her. Like - "you did such a great job with your sons and I know that is going to make you an amazing grandma and someone I could come to for advice when I need it, at the same time I am this little boys mother and I need everyone who cares for him to be respectful of my parenting even if they don't agree with it. I'm responsible for him and if I know someone will not respect my wishes and do the opposite as soon as I'm not looking, I can't allow that person to care for my son." I went through this with my own mother, who for example insisted on using my old crib at her house. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that because I wasn't sure it met current safety standards. She said oh it was fine for you and it's my house, I can have whatever crib I want. I told her he is my son and my responsibility no matter whose home he is in, and that he would not be sleeping in a crib I wasn't comfortable with, and that if she refused to accept that I would simply not allow him to stay at her house. I told her that if she would simply ask me what I thought about something and then share her thoughts rather than forcing them on me as the law I have to follow, and respect it if I disagree and do differently, we would get along much better and that it was important to me that we did becaise I wanted to have her involved and I wanted to share things with her, but wouldn't be keeping her closely in the loop if she was constantly asserting herself as a 3rd parent. She sometimes gets a little carried away but she's been much better. Also, as you validate/compliment then follow it up with your tough stuff, be sure to always say "at the same time" or "and" instead of "but"... 'but' negates whatever was in front of it. It can feel awkward because sometimes BUT is exactly what you mean, at the same time it is a great communication skill! I also encourage you to use "I Messages" - tell her how her actions make you feel rather than what her motives are. For example "i feel disrespected" rather than "you're so disrespectful!" It keeps the other person from feeling attacked and thereby escalating to a fight and also gets them to see your feelings (which they can't argue with because you feel what you feel!) and opens the door to take responsibility for how they are impacting those around them. She may point out that she didn't mean to make you feel that way, which may be entirely true - but good intentions do not equal good outcomes, and we all have to take responsibility for what actually happens instead of what we meant to happen.
I'm sorry this is SO LONG!!!! Haha!!!
Best wishes to you!

mamaskittles09 · April 2015

I feel for you! I love mine, but she likes to try and make me feel bad for having to go back to work after maternity leave. She said she would quit her job and watch her full time so she wouldn't have to go to daycare, but I told her no. She said, "that's fine but she will probably be sick all the time, but if that's what I want that's fine! Also, kids get sexually assaulted and other terrible things in daycare." So frustrating.

SharLovesAlex · April 2015

@babyh310 Great advice about validating her, and about using "I" statements...I sometimes forget these things because I really AM emotional...I feel very protective and blessed that my baby is healthy because for the first 3 months of my pregnancy, I didn't know I was pregnant (I never had regular periods and was spotting during this time). I wasn't very careful. I was already worried that I was a bad mom once I found out. I definitely don't need her taking away from what I've done so far: get a good bf routine with my baby, make sure he eats well and puts on weight. He hasn't been sick. I don't like being made to feel like I don't know what I'm doing or like my decisions won't be respected. Thank you for your advice. After our circus of a meet and greet (planned by her and a guest list of all HER friends, btw), I'm going to talk to her and let her I know I need her to take a step back and let us be his parents.

SharLovesAlex · April 2015

@mamaskittles09 How awful! Mine is the opposite...she keeps asking when I'm going back to work because she wentered back to work right away...well I'm not gping back to work, I'm not putting my son in daycare here. It's too scary. I hear awful things. Not to scare you off of it or anything! It was easy for her, her mother watched the boys. My mom works and so does she. And I just can't imagine leaving him with a stranger and him not being able to talk and tell me what goes on. But, to each their own! You do what's best for you and your child, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

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