How to approach BM???

annamarie0710 · April 2015

I am 6 months pregnant by my boyfriend. He has a 5 year old daughter that he hasn't seen in about a year (not by his choice). I found his baby mama and want to tell her that her daughter will have a brother in a few months, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't want to tell him about me contacting her because he's really sad about everything. But I'm also worried that she will message him the minute she gets my message and freak out on him. What would you do if you were me?

FinallyHappy84 · April 2015

Welcome to the board! I wouldn't contact BM without letting your BF know. Honesty and communication is your best way to go in a relationship and if you found BM, I feel you should definitely let your BF know. I don't the circumstances as to why he hasn't seen his daughter in a year but this could be the key to get the ball rolling in his court as far as how to contact BM if that's what he wants to do so he can see his child.
Also he would be more his place to let BM and his daughter know know that she would be a sibling. It doesn't sound like there is a good relationship there so you making contact could cause more strain between between BM and your BF.

P.S. - many people prefer the term BM or birth mom to "baby mama" or similar titles, which can be taken offensively

annamarie0710 · April 2015

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. I'm going to talk to SO about me possibly contacting her and go from there. He absolutely won't contact her but knew here she was and how to get ahold of her. He just won't. I didn't know so I searched on my own because I didn't want to ask him about her. But I am going to ask if he would be opposed to me saying something. The situation has me on edge because I want my son to know his sister. If that's not possible, I'd rather know now.

And I'm sorry, the term "baby mama" is the term used where I live, but I will stop using it

hopanka · April 2015

I think the first step would be for your BF to establish visitation as well as child support through the court system. I am not sure why he has not done so or why he does not want to contact BM, but the proper thing on his part would be to re-establish himself in his DD's life. That's on him, it's his DD and there are legal procedures that can and will help him be in her life. The excuse that BM is difficult to deal with is not good enough. That's why there is a court system, which (unless he is proven to be unfit) will ensure he has visitation that is for sure more frequent than what he has now (which is none).

I would advise against you contacting BM about a sibling coming. I am not sure what you are looking to accomplish by doing that, but just to warn you - the result is likely not positive.

The contact should be about your BF re-establishing himself in his DD's life, with the the help of the legal system. This includes taking responsibility financially and emotionally for his first-born.

Everything else will come after that, including building relationships between the siblings.

Good luck!

cole2144 · April 2015

Ok so first of all, if your SO wanted a relationship with his daughter, he would not take no for an answer. The BM in our situation has done everything in her power to push my husband out of his daughter`s life but he has fought not to allow that to happen and we have had 50/50 custody since 2012. I would not be with a man who does not fight for a relationship with his child. He needs to step up and go to court.

Second of all, it is not your place to approach BM about this, especially without SO`s blessing. You will likely make things worse. If I were BM, I would be pissed that BD does not even try and contact his child but now all of a sudden wants contact just because he has another child on the way. I would be even more mad if his girlfriend was doing his dirty work.

l4rk · May 2015

Honestly, I would leave it alone. I think you are well intentioned, but there's a bigger picture.

How do you think BM will actually react? Her ex is about to have a baby with another woman. At best, she won't care--and probably still won't want anything to do with you and your SO. At worst--and more likely--she will feel jealous, angry or resentful, which could stir up some serious drama and stress for everybody. If your SO's BM has pushed him out of her life, she probably doesn't want you or a step-sibling in it either.

Even if this did play out the way you "want", do you really want your SO's ex hanging around him, you and your kid? I know my SO would never get back with his ex, but I still feel sick to my stomach whenever she shows up (uninvited) to our house. Don't put yourself in that situation if you don't have to!

I totally get your desire to connect and empathize with you, but I really don't see this having a positive end-result, and think sensitive situations like this one shouldn't really be meddled with.

peacelovemomandmore · May 2015

I wouldn't contact BM about that at all. That will definitely make things worse.

cerafina205 · June 2015

Don't contact!!!!! That's like opening pandora's box, woman! I'm in a similar situation and decided against it.

mic411 · June 2015

It is not your place to contact BM....especially not being married to him, there are just certain do's & dont's when it comes to these types of situations. Also, if he wants to repair his relationship with his daughter that's the first priority as opposed to letting his BM know that another child is coming into the picture. Order should ne established first and foremost.

WildMagelet · July 2015

Dont' contact BM, it's not your place.

annamarie0710 said:

I am 6 months pregnant by my boyfriend. He has a 5 year old daughter that he hasn't seen in about a year (not by his choice). I found his baby mama and want to tell her that her daughter will have a brother in a few months, but I don't know how to go about it. I don't want to tell him about me contacting her because he's really sad about everything. But I'm also worried that she will message him the minute she gets my message and freak out on him. What would you do if you were me?

I call BS. BM might be difficult, but she can't legally prevent him from seeing his daughter for a year. PPs already addressed what your BF needs to do to ensure legal visitation with his daughter. If he isn't willing to take those steps to ensure he can see her that's on HIM.

Honestly? I'd be a bit concerned about the fact that the man I'm about to have a baby with isn't doing all he can to have relationship with his other child and would be concerned that the behavior would repeat itself if our relationship were to end.

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