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June 2015 Moms
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Communicating ground rules and boundaries to inlaws before baby arrives

mrssscott28mrssscott28 member
in June 2015 Moms
I am looking for a way to politely communicate ground rules and boundaries to my inlaws before baby gets here. In my opinion it's important to establish them now, so they are clear and that no feelings get hurt. The best way I can think is to have my husband send out an email to his family (they are rough around the edges and sorry to say, lack class and etiquette - think honey boo boo or duck dynasty). This is what I have drafted so far (see below) - comments and feedback would be greatly appreciated.

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Good Morning All,

Exactly 3 more weeks till our bundle of joy arrives and we couldn't be more excited. With the discussions that we have had with the doctors and medical practitioners, we wanted to communicate this to our family, before baby arrives. While these may seem strict and may potentially offend some people, please keep in mind we are looking out for our sons health and wellbeing.

1) please ensure you are in good health when visiting us and the baby - refrain from visiting if you have a cold, flu, etc. He won't be immunized until he his 2 months old and we are trying to mitigate the amount of exposure to any illness as possible.

2) please ensure you wash your hands prior to handling Baby. This includes after smoke breaks and bathroom usage. Also please maintain proper hygiene.

3) please ensure that when you do smoke, that it is outside and that you have an alternate clothing to wear when carrying Baby. Second hand smoke can be transmitted via clothing, odors etc.

4) refrain from bringing any outside allergens which may potentially trigger any allergic reactions (excessive pet dander, perfume, etc)

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Thoughts would be greatly appreciated!
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Re: Communicating ground rules and boundaries to inlaws before baby arrives

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  • laurendutchlaurendutch member
    Oh my!
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  • mrssscott28mrssscott28 member
    I know that all of the above stated in my message seems to be common sense, but unfortunately it isn't to them. I'm trying to be a proper advocate for my son and look out for his best interests. Thank you so much ladies for your feedback! It is greatly appreciated, I think maybe the best way to approach this and find some common ground, is for my husband to have a chat with his parents.

    Thanks ladies!
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  • WestypetWestypet member
    mellymar said:

    I absolutely agree with every single point you are trying to make and why you are making it. Some people are frickin clueless and have no idea. But, I think hubby having a 'come to baby' speech with them is better. He may have to make the points known a few times before they catch on (they say we need to hear something roughly three times before we 'hear' it) but I would go that route. Also, when the time comes and the inlaws are up in the joint, have him be the 'secret service' man. When they reach for baby after a smoke break, he'll tell them to go wash their hands and change shirts first. He'll quickly but silently move to intercept / body block the cousin who just sneezed all over his hands and is using his sleeves as Kleenex. I suspect he will probably fall into this role naturally, but letting him know ahead of time he should be the baby ninja protector will help keep you from sounding like a crazy new mommy. Not saying you are - but we all know should a new mom say this stuff aloud to in laws she's likely to get the 'you're being overprotective, chill out' bit. For some reason the menfolk can get away with this better.

    Yep, this.
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  • Erinrhea77Erinrhea77 member
    Oh my!!! I agree, I wouldn't ever come visit or have any kind of relationship at all with that child, which seems very sad to me.
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  • obryana6219obryana6219 member
    I totally understand where you're coming from. Most of DH's family and a few members of mine have some serious hygiene issues that must be addressed prior to them coming in contact with the baby. Everyone on my side smokes so that's a problem too. I don't care if they think I'm being overprotective, it's my child and if they had wanted to do the same for there's they would have. But they also smoked while pregnant and with them in the car/room without an ounce of guilt. There are also members of both of our families that will not watch the baby at their house and some other members who will never watch the baby on their own no matter how old the baby is. Sadly most of these family members who we have made these decisions about have young children of their own and based on the way they take care of said children. Sometimes it
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  • goldenmama3goldenmama3 member
    Totally get your intent to communicate your concerns. I've been thinking about it myself. However, I do agree that you should have your husband step in to communicate these points with his family.
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  • mrssscott28mrssscott28 member
    edited April 2015
    Let me clarify to my original post when I say please maintain good hygiene, I am not referring to please take a shower before visiting (which again is common sense). I am relaying it to my inlaws who have lost their teeth due to lack of brushing or proper oral care. These are the individuals that will pet an animal, let them lick and not wash their hands before eating and grabbing food. I have witnessed them go to the bathroom not wash their hands (or forget to even flush) or have soap available in their bathrooms.

    I am not saying please don't have a relationship with their grandchild, I am saying please don't expose my son to your disgusting habits in a direct polite way.
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  • karaelaine1991karaelaine1991 member
    mrssscott28 said:

    Let me clarify to my original post when I say please maintain good hygiene, I am not referring to please take a shower before visiting (which again is common sense). I am relaying it to my inlaws who have lost their teeth due to lack of brushing or proper oral care. These are the individuals that will pet an animal, let them lick and not wash their hands before eating and grabbing food. I have witnessed them go to the bathroom not wash their hands (or forget to even flush) or have soap available in their bathrooms.

    Oh goodness, this does not sound like a fun situation! Totally and completely get why you want to address the situation before baby arrives... I do agree with PP that the email might not be the most effective way to do so. It sounds like this is how these people are accustomed to living - they like it, and that's just the way it is. You've very clearly put a lot of time and effort into making the email as polite as can be, but unfortunately I think that there's no inoffensive way to broach this topic and what's most likely going to happen if you send it is that you'll be written off as "____'s snooty wife." Not fair, but that's how I see this playing out. 

    I agree with PP that having this message come from your husband instead of from you is probably the best way to address it. I wouldn't have him deliver it via email, either, because it's impersonal and, as we all know, it's hard to convey tone through text alone. If you absolutely feel that this needs to be approached prior to baby's arrival, I'd have your husband speak with them - without you - and express these concerns. They need to see that not only is he on board with all of these (entirely reasonable) expectations, but that he's not just being the voice for you. 

    It sounds like you're going to have a frustrating road ahead of you with these relatives. I hope for your sake that these are extended family who won't be around your LO very often, and not your husband's parents or siblings. It sounds like this is an issue that you're going to be dealing with for a long time - unfortunately, we can't change people, as much as we might like to. Good luck coming up with a way to deal with them, in the event that they're not willing to cooperate!
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  • HoosOnFirstHoosOnFirst member
    I agree with others that an live chat will work best - you can make sure the tone doesn't come across as snooty when it's not meant to be.

    This does raise a question I'll be asking my doc - my whole family smokes: they are trying very hard to quit (some of them) but mostly just smoking outside or in certain rooms only. It didn't occur to me to make them change clothes to hold baby. My husband is worried about bringing the baby over at all. I've conceded we won't stay overnight but I can't imagine not bringing the baby over in general! Especially when they are making efforts. I don't want to discourage them. And it's my mom! So, in your guys opinion, what's a reasonable way to handle this? Am I too lax? Is my husband overreacting? Is there a middle ground?
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  • mrssscott28mrssscott28 member
    @mellymar That's a fantastic idea. Thank you for kind response and your genius idea!
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  • WestypetWestypet member
    mellymar said:

    @hoodoll82 @mrssscott28 maybe you could have a 'baby T' - a shirt that you have already washed at home in your detergent and have anyone who wants to hold baby put the T-shirt on before holding? It will be a barrier between smelly smoky clothes, and since you have washed it in the detergent you use at home shouldn't cause a skin reaction for those babies who are super sensitive? My sister had to do this with her son because the boy was just SO sensitive to fragrances and dyes and stuff that anyone who held him as a little baby against their home laundered clothes would make him get a rash. She kept a bunch of oversized tees washed and ready and just had people throw these huge tees on over what they were wearing to hold him. You could even use the whole sensitive skin thing as an angle for compliance.

    Edited - I had extraneous words

    This is brilliant. And could even say something funny like, "this is my baby-holding shirt", or something humorous that the family thinks is cool/witty.
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  • ngaines27ngaines27 member
    @hoodoll82 My DH smoked (outside only) after both of my DDs were born and I wouldn't let him hold them without the "baby T" on. He thought I was crazy and it drove them crazy, but ultimately he understood their health was most important.
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  • henrytviiihenrytviii member
    I agree with everything posted here. Hard topic because you want to protect your child but spelling it out like this will cause some issues. I agree that men are more likely to get away with this and won't be flamed for being a protective Dad, enlist your husband communicate this verbally. I also wanted to suggest baby wearing. Get a fabric wrap that really covers baby and always have it on when people visit. If people ask to hold him, well darn he always just fell asleep, needs to nurse, is too cranky etc. Or you can say "Sure, why don't you wash your hands while I get him out." It slows down the handover so you can remind them politely to wash up and keeps it on your terms. And on the bright side some germs and animal exposure is good for kids. Builds a healthy immune system and reduces asthma. Now if someone lights up a smoke by all means let them see how scary mama bear can be.
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  • jessieR358jessieR358 member
    edited April 2015
    I would definitely let your husband deal with this. The email comes off as very offensive and condescending even though I understand your worries. It actually might piss them off to where they purposefully do stuff to annoy you. If I was sent that email I wouldn't be visiting you at all....so maybe you should send it! Ha. The cigarette smoke would be my biggest pet peeve. Can't stand the smell!
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  • EmilywooddesignEmilywooddesign member
    I can see you have good intentions but the email seems so formal, like you are addressing a client or something- Just make it laid back- no need for bullets.

    Also, I grew up with dogs and they Licked my face probably everyday of my life and I've never been sick and I have a very strong immune system, my parents also were hippies and never vaccinated me- ( I have since been vaccinated) a little dirt or dog slobber is not going to hurt your baby.
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  • cbrtncanadiancbrtncanadian member
    edited April 2015
    You could also mention/reiterate that the hospital values and emphasizes the importance of using hand sanitizer and washing hands etc. for the protection of all patients...

    Or maybe the hospital has a scent free policy as well?

    Couldn't hurt to put it on the hospital a bit..

    Edited - because I forgot to finish my thoughts...
    image

    image
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  • Knottie64157109Knottie64157109 member
    @mrssscott28 my husbands family is the exact same way and YES for the negative Nancy's you do have to spell it out and hide the pills, lol. It's unfortunate but we all don't have stand up family members.

    Remember mrssscott28, don't ever be afraid to offend anyone when it comes to the protection of your child(ren).
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  • 1stnelsonbaby1stnelsonbaby member
    I can relate to this: my husband just spent last weekend at his mom's removing carpet, cleaning up pet nastiness, and de-fleaing the entire house. After his step dad passed MILs house has just become disgusting. I can barely be there without getting flea bites and having an allergy attack so it's in no condition for a baby. I can't imagine sending an email, but our problem is just one person and fortunately my husband is already making it a priority to fix the situation.
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