Fights with Husband So Stressed Out

Kellie_Rivera372 · April 2015

I'm 38 1/2 weeks pregnant with our first child and have been fighting with my husband all day today. He was in a very bad car accident about a week after we found out I was pregnant and has been in and out of the hospital with surgeries for the past 9 months the most recent of which was a minor knee surgery last Thursday. We are currently living off one income (mine)as his short term disability benefits ended in March and he doesn't qualify for SSI/SSD. He will hopefully be able to return to work in a few months but in the meantime we are under alot of stress both financially and emotionally. He has just been cranky and combative all day today and I am trying to be considerate b/c I know he's in pain from the surgery but I'm also not having the easiest time myself. Our little boy to be is measuring very large and it's taking a real toll on my body on top of the fact I'm working 2 jobs (one full time one part time) which is physically and mentally exhausting. After bickering all day, I broke down tonight and cried and told him all the things I'm afraid of and basically bared my soul when I was done he just looked at me blankly and asked what kind of reaction was I looking for? I am so angry and hurt right now that I don't even know what to do. I feel like I am trying so hard to do everything for him and the one time I show some vulnerability and look for a little support and compassion he just shuts down. I have never posted on one of these blog things before but I just needed an outlet and since I don't know anyone on here I figured it's a safe anonymous place to vent.

MommaAlyx · April 2015

Wow, you're dealing with a lot right now. You seem to me to be doing very well to keep your family afloat, and its really aggravating that you're being treated that way. Don't think for a second that bearing your fears is a sign of weakness. You seem to deserve better, and it seems like you have, for lack of a better word, a shitty support system. That being said, you aknowleged the fact that you're both stressed, and from my experience, when a man can't do much in the way of providing and confiding, they feel belittled (not your fault by any means, but natural none the less). I'd say, best advice being given, tell him he's being a douche and to show a little empathy (in a more polite way of course) and take his reaction with a grain of salt... He'll probably continue to be a douche, but after this very tough stage passes, hopefully things will be better. My SO is always a douche; loving and hard working, but always insensitive and distant... I know in a way how you feel. Men, as cliche as it sounds, can be complete insensitive jack asses. Feel free to vent hun, you've got support here.

larysa&larysa · April 2015

Don't stress your self out, remember it's also our hormones. Sometimes it's better not to say anything than later feel regrets. You are definitely doing a great job keeping everything together!!!! I'm impressed! But you are almost there the hardest time is over, keep your cool girl it'll be alright. Best of luck to you!

mars8k · April 2015

I'm so sorry you have to be in this situation, he's probably very scared and feels bad for not being able to provide for his family and the physical pain just drove him off the edge..

Idk what else you could do though, take some space and try to spend time with other people doing fun things just to find the strength to ride this phase off.

beaseg · April 2015

This sucks. For both of you. but more so you. And it seems he doesn't realize that.

But- as a man, I'm sure he feels soooo emasculated.

The fights suck. I'm sorry. I'd try to take a deep breath and maybe just seek out pregnancy support elsewhere. With my first, DH was ON IT. And awesome. This time? I'm completely ignored. Our daughter and his job comes far before me, and it sucks. But yesterday, I left him just before nap time and went for a pedicure and ice cream and then to buy a loofa and nice smelling body wash. haha, and it was nice! And the best part? He didn't put dd down for a nap bc he wanted to snuggle and play with her. Super sweet, good dad. But bc she missed her nap- she raised hell that evening and he was EXHAUSTED. And then he realized what it's like for me day to day. So for me - it was nice on all fronts. Anyways- just try to cater to yourself. It really sucks, but sometimes- they just don't. I don't think it's fair, but that could just be the pouty prego in me. Not sure. But I do sympathize.

MrsWhiteToBe · April 2015

If he's on harder pain meds like oxycodone those could potentially really mess with his mood. I used to be a pharmacy technician and people taking that stuff would come in and be grumpy and mean, but then when they went off it a few weeks later they would be sweet as pie. If you think it might be his meds ask him to talk to his dr about his moodiness and see if he can switch to something else or if he will be able to go off them completely.

hmcconn · April 2015

I'm so sorry, that must have been so frustrating and hurtful. It sounds like you're both going through real trial times right now, which would put an enormous amount of stress on any relationship.

It's just the truth of our society that lots of men have not been taught how to talk about feelings, or how to interact with people who are talking about feelings. To give him the benefit of the doubt, even though it must have sucked, I would start by giving him a super simple and literal answer to his question of what you are looking for - "You are my partner, and I am looking for your support. I want to hear that you either share my fears, or that you think things are going to be ok, or that you're not sure but you love me. I don't need you to fix everything, but I do need to know how it makes you feel that this has been so hard for me. Has it been hard for you too?" If you see effort from him, even if it's not very eloquent, then you know he cares and is there but just isn't great at this yet. If he blows you off again, then that's kind of cruel when you're so vulnerable and I would try to find a couples therapist for cheap somewhere (although I know time is in a crunch!).

In the meantime talk to someone you trust, do something that makes you feel good, and it really will all be ok. The strength you are learning you have now is going to come in handy when you're a parent, and the strength to be honest and vulnerable is one of the best things your kid can learn from you. Your family is in my prayers!

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