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He's lying.

CBHoneyBCBHoneyB member
edited April 2015 in June 2015 Moms
I know I'm probably over reacting and my hormones aren't helping. I just need a place to vent where our families aren't involved.

My husband used to rub and It was one thing I always hated but I dealt with it because I love him. He quit when he went to boot camp and he didn't do it for a long time. A few months ago when I washed his uniform I found a can and asked him about it. He said he picked it up off the ground and forgot to throw it out. He hadn't given me a reason to not believe him so I let it go. Well today while cleaning our room I found a half full can he was hiding.

I know that it's not he worst thing he could lie about but the fact is he lied. I could have handled him rubbing again better if he wasn't lying to me about it. Now I know I need to approach him about it because if I don't it will eat me alive and I hate to hide things from him. I'm just very stressed, very pregnant and very emotional.

Thanks ladies for letting me vent.
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Re: He's lying.

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  • CBHoneyBCBHoneyB member
    Yea it is and it's gross but I could have dealt with it better if he had been up front with me instead of hiding it especially now. He knows when I clean ever nook and cranny in this house. I would have found it eventually.
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  • aj1327aj1327 member
    My husband does the same thing. He won't lie to me about it now because that really pisses me off, but I still give him a hard time when he does it in front of me.
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  • Frogger5Frogger5 member
    Tobacco is super addictive - I'd try not to get hung up about the lying, honestly. I hear where you're coming from, but it's probably because he's embarrassed, or something along those lines. Just try to be understanding and helpful if he's ready to try to quit again! It'll stick eventually.
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  • CBHoneyBCBHoneyB member
    edited April 2015
    Frogger5 said:

    Tobacco is super addictive - I'd try not to get hung up about the lying, honestly. I hear where you're coming from, but it's probably because he's embarrassed, or something along those lines. Just try to be understanding and helpful if he's ready to try to quit again! It'll stick eventually.

    The worst part is he went for several years without it. Why would you pick something like that back up after working so hard and staying away for so long.
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  • Frogger5Frogger5 member
    CBHoneyB said:

    Frogger5 said:

    Tobacco is super addictive - I'd try not to get hung up about the lying, honestly. I hear where you're coming from, but it's probably because he's embarrassed, or something along those lines. Just try to be understanding and helpful if he's ready to try to quit again! It'll stick eventually.

    The worst part is he went for several years without it. Why would you pick something like that back up after working so hard and staying away for so long.
    It's a total mind f*$%! I smoked when I found out I was pregnant, had been for 15 years. I finally managed to quit, and I'm confident I won't start again before the baby's born, but after . . . I hope I can stay strong, but it makes me nervous! If he just let his guard down during one trip to the gas station, that could do it.

    I know it doesn't make sense to someone who hasn't felt it first hand, but it truly is crazy. Logic goes right out the window!
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  • karaelaine1991karaelaine1991 member
    edited April 2015
    Frogger5 said:

    CBHoneyB said:

    Frogger5 said:

    Tobacco is super addictive - I'd try not to get hung up about the lying, honestly. I hear where you're coming from, but it's probably because he's embarrassed, or something along those lines. Just try to be understanding and helpful if he's ready to try to quit again! It'll stick eventually.

    The worst part is he went for several years without it. Why would you pick something like that back up after working so hard and staying away for so long.
    It's a total mind f*$%! I smoked when I found out I was pregnant, had been for 15 years. I finally managed to quit, and I'm confident I won't start again before the baby's born, but after . . . I hope I can stay strong, but it makes me nervous! If he just let his guard down during one trip to the gas station, that could do it.

    I know it doesn't make sense to someone who hasn't felt it first hand, but it truly is crazy. Logic goes right out the window!
    This is so true. I have an aunt who smoked for I believe 30+ years. She tried to quit many, many times... her kids would even flush her cigarettes down the toilet, and even with the support of her family, she couldn't do it. What finally made an impact, unfortunately, was when she had to watch her best friend die from pancreatic cancer, which her friend's doctor said was the result of her friend's cigarette habit.

    I completely understand why you're upset by the lying, and I personally think chewing is a disgusting habit, so I get why, even beyond health reasons, you want him to quit. But I agree with @Frogger5, it's very possible that he's trying his very best and is embarrassed that he's struggling.
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  • taboullio84taboullio84 member
    I'd be upset with the lie. Is rather the ugly truth over a pretty lie any day. Having said that... My uncle caught cancer from that stuff. They had to remove half his tongue and jaw.. Maybe you should show him the ugly truth.
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  • HoosOnFirstHoosOnFirst member
    DH used to smoke, quit a few years ago. Then somehow got into snuss, a form of dip. Then quit. Then I found some while doing his laundry. He luckily quit again before I needed to say anything to him - I gave him the benefit of the doubt he would stop when we found out we were pregnant. I agree with prior posters - he's likely embarrassed and he will only be able to quit when he's good and ready. Tobacco is unfortunately highly addictive. I never nagged DH because he's a smart guy - he doesn't need me to tell him he should quit. He knew he should. It's not a logical addiction.

    My parents are both trying to quit smoking before baby is born so that we will bring her over for visits. Unfortunately the house has a smell of smoke ingrained in it - and we will probably not stay over although we will visit. I already feel guilty but it is what it is.
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  • CBHoneyBCBHoneyB member
    I could have handled it like a big girl if he had been honest with me about it. I asked him to his face a few months ago and he straight up lied to me. That's what hurts the most. We have been through a lot together I wish that he would be honest with me. If he really wanted to quit he would have lied he would have asked for help like he has with other things in the past. It's not about being embarrassed there are far worse things we have made It through
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  • KaLikeAWindKaLikeAWind member
    Frogger5 said:

    Tobacco is super addictive - I'd try not to get hung up about the lying, honestly. I hear where you're coming from, but it's probably because he's embarrassed, or something along those lines. Just try to be understanding and helpful if he's ready to try to quit again! It'll stick eventually.

    This. I smoked for almost 10 years, and quit on a dime when I was younger (taxes, man. It got too expensive). Then picked it back up again like 7 years later for about another 7 years. And promptly quit on a dime again when I found out I was pregnant (well, I rationed out my remaining 7 cigarettes over a day and half and just didn't buy any more). But I have no shame in saying that I enjoy it. Not only is it physically addicting, its a soothing mental crutch. Stressed? Need a few minutes to compose yourself? A smoke does wonders, just the repetitive motion of lighting it, blowing it out, hand to mouth. I know chewing is done differently, but I'm sure just having that sensation in your mouth, the motion of spitting - same thing. For me smoking kept my hands and mouth busy (you should see my nails now, and I'm constantly biting the inside of my cheeks). Its not just a chemical thing, its a physical and mental thing, too.

    I'd tell him that you are upset about him lying to you, and while you dislike the chewing and wish he would stop, you'd prefer more that he just not lie about it. (At least, that's how I would feel) Then try to be supportive and helpful about him cutting back and stopping his habit.
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  • NotISaidtheCatNotISaidtheCat member
    Lying really isn't okay, especially in a marriage. Let him know that even though the chewing upsets you, it's his lying about it that's going to cause problems between you two. Be as supportive and understanding as you can be (and let him know that's your intent) with the understanding that you expect honesty and openness on his end.
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  • seeseaseesea member
    Frogger5 said:

    CBHoneyB said:

    Frogger5 said:

    Tobacco is super addictive - I'd try not to get hung up about the lying, honestly. I hear where you're coming from, but it's probably because he's embarrassed, or something along those lines. Just try to be understanding and helpful if he's ready to try to quit again! It'll stick eventually.

    The worst part is he went for several years without it. Why would you pick something like that back up after working so hard and staying away for so long.
    It's a total mind f*$%! I smoked when I found out I was pregnant, had been for 15 years. I finally managed to quit, and I'm confident I won't start again before the baby's born, but after . . . I hope I can stay strong, but it makes me nervous! If he just let his guard down during one trip to the gas station, that could do it.

    I know it doesn't make sense to someone who hasn't felt it first hand, but it truly is crazy. Logic goes right out the window!
    I totally agree with this here along with some PP. Tobacco is really addictive. My parents used to smoke so I grew up around it. I started smoking in high school and smoked for about 20 years. Within those 20 years I'd quit and pick up the habit if I'm stressed out or feeling overwhelmed. So I could understand why your husband would start up again.

    Fortunately, I quit for good before I found out with DS1. I haven't picked up a cigarette since. I read a book that helped me a lot called The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. It's not exactly a quit smoking/ rubbing book but it breaks down how habits are formed and how you can change them.

    I know you're upset and that's totally understandable. It's okay to voice your frustration and express how you feel about it to him. Maybe you can also approach it in a way, where you can find a quitting solution together as a team so he knows he has your support and not feel like he has to hide things from you. Just a suggestion. I hope it works out for you and your husband!
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  • tlindnertlindner member
    Maybe he is feeling a bit pressured or stressed and thAt is his way of coping but he should have been honest with you.
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  • dancegurl1118dancegurl1118 member
    I totally understand your frustration. I used to lie to my husband about my smoking and hide it from him, and it was because I was embarrassed by having such an addiction to something I knew was bad for me. It's crazy how an addiction totally fucks with your head and you do something an otherwise rational person wouldn't do. I quit finally for good the day after I got my BFP...but God damn I loved nicotine. But lying is lying and I still knew it was wrong...
    TTC: 1/2014 BFP: 9/24 EDD: 6/8/2015 Sorry for the poor man's siggy...ticker won't load regardless of how many tips I read.
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  • WestypetWestypet member
    I hate that you're going through this.
    Lying is unacceptable, and hopefully you find a time to broach the subject with him. Okay, so he's dipping again, which is sad and terrible, and he has his reasons, but maybe you can find out why he felt the need to lie about it and try to fix it?
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  • KarasTwinKarasTwin member
    I so understand @CBHoneyB! My DH did the same thing. We've been together a little over 5 years, married almost 2. I went through him quitting 2x, once while we were dating and once since marriage. The 2nd time he got patches through work and quit for about 6 months. A couple months ago I was doing the laundry I felt the unmistakable shape of a dip can in his pants pocket. I totally freaked and threw it at him asking if he was missing anything. I felt so hurt that he kept it from me. It's also very expensive and he's constantly worrying about money. Apparently he only does it at work so I didn't know it was happening for about 6 weeks. He has a huge family history of cancer and it just infuriates me that I fully support him when he quits and then hides it from me when he starts back. I know that's why he's grouchy on the weekends and at night because he's going through withdrawal symptoms. I asked him why he was doing it and his response was to deal with the stress of my pregnancy because he is so worried. I'm sorry, but I can't drink or use nicotine products even if I wanted to so I'm not feeling so sympathetic. I asked last weekend how the quitting was going and he said good, but I did find 2 empty cans in his car. I just want him to quit and stay quit but I'm trying to let it go right now because it's not healthy for me or baby to stress about it. Good luck!
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