postpartum anxiety, depression, and an update

So, I posted on this board a while ago. I was pretty down the rabbit hole of ppd. Things have gotten better in the fact that I am more involved and can interact with them more and feel a little less burned out. Things have gotten way worse in the anxiety department. I should say that I have a lengthy history of anxiety and depression and as most people with anxiety and depression, first comes the anxiety and then the depression sets in. For me, I am terrified that my twins (who were born prematurely also I was on 3 meds during my pregnancy, one for antianxiety, one antidepressant, and one for sleep) will have some serious and pervasive lasting effects from either the prematurity, the meds, or the fact that I had a difficult time interacting with them/making eye contact with them for the first few months of their lives. I also am afraid to talk to my pediatrician about it since we take the kids to the doc fairly often ( my mother in law makes me nervous about the kids ie "that cough sounds bad, call your doctor.") I really don't want our pediatrician to know exactly how deep this goes. So instead, I read about it online, go into full fledged panic attack and can''t calm myself down. My son isn't great at maintaining eye contact with me and frequently doesn't want to pay attention to me when I am trying to interact with him. I am concerned about something like autism. Granted, they are only 5 months old for their adjusted age but it still feels like there is something wrong. Everytime I think about it, it makes me go into a full on panic attack. I don't know if other moms go through panic/anxiety attacks over fears like this. I know this sounds selfish but I have a really tough time handling this now, I know I wouldn't be able to handle it if it got worse. I ended up in the ER last week because I absolutely lost my #$@*. I couldn't stop crying or throwing up at the fear that something I had done had caused him to develop the ailment. The really sad part is that even reading about red flags of developmental delays makes my chest tighten. I have had pretty frequent and regular panic attacks since 11/07. They used to be on a daily basis where I would have serious GI issues, cry, and sleep on the couch begging whatever deity there is out there to make it stop. I used to be on them 4 tomes a day at a dose of 1200 for a grand  total of  4800 mg of neurontin. I cut that down to once a day at 600 mg. My psychiatrist who specializes in maternal psychiatry added a low dose of seroquel and a low dose of sertraline. I am absofucking terrified that these drugs caused something to go wrong. I am scheduling an appointment with a developmental specialist. As I write this I realize that I need to talk to my doc about it. I will. I also started seeing a new therapist ( meh). And as I write this my chest is tight from feeling anxious. I dont know if this is in my head or now, and I guess I won't until we see a doc or two.