Trust Issues

jkell448 · April 2015

Hey everyone! I've never posted on here nor replied to anyone but I look on here at least 10 times daily, mostly for support. A little background on me is I moved in with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years who lived in a different state which meant I was leaving everything I knew behind. My one rule for moving in with him is that he had to stop smoking weed. Sounds silly but I can't stand it and my opinion is that until it's legal it should not be consumed. Anyway he promised to stop. Just three months after moving in I found out that I was pregnant. As scared as we both were, we were through the roof ecstatic! Now I am 37 weeks and I really thought that everything was perfect.. Until he was sleeping and a text popped up on his phone from his buddy about how he had a good time golfing with him and smoking. I am completely beside myself and don't know what to say to him. Our daughter could be here at any time and I just find out he's been lying to me. This all probably sounds ridiculous I just don't know what to do and I have no one here to talk to.. If anyone has some helpful advice or even wants to tell me I'm crazy id really appreciate it. Rant over.. Thanks everyone

Chichi93 · April 2015

That's not good. If you don't have trust you don't have love and if he's lying to you... he doesn't respect you. Trust me. I've gone through some terrible times here lately with trust issues and being lied to. They don't change.... I'm also 37 weeks and I found out on Christmas that my ex fiance was cheating on me. Talking to girls at stops he services uniforms to. I loved him with all I had but as soon as you lose the trust you lose it all. I suggest you move back home.. I know it's tough but trust me you'll find someone who's right for you and that will treat you with the respect you deserve.

MAranda2427 · April 2015

Oh boy do I know ALL to well about this crap. Living in Colorado, it's legal and I tried this on my ex. Yeah didn't work. I eventually found out working overtime watching my paycheck a disappear. It may be legal but that shit is expensive.
On a helpful note, try talking to him. If to doesn't work, I agree with PP sometimes you have to let things go to be happy and healthy.

bijou1983 · April 2015

I agree with talking to him about it first. It totally sucks that you have to deal with this right now, and I really do understand the feeling of betrayal that goes with this kind of thing (with my SO it was with cigarettes). But try to concentrate on all the good things you have with him. There must be a ton of great reasons you two have lasted these past 2 1/2 years. I say focus on those things while you deal with this bump in the road.

soontobecapek · April 2015

I think you need to do some evaluating. I may be wrong but it sounds like you already had trust issues. Otherwise you wouldn't have read his messages. Evaluate the issue, think about what you can and can't live with, talk to him and make a decision. Nobody can tell you what to do, but ultimately you know what is best for you and baby.

beaseg · April 2015

I guess I am the black sheep here, but I don't think smoking weed once in a while is a deal breaker. If he's been doing it regularly (like more than once a week) then yeah, it's a problem. If he's done it a few times, it's still a problem he lied/kept it from you- but I don't think that would be such a deal breaker for me. The lying/hiding it is more of a problem for me than the actual consumption, again- depending on how much/how frequently he's using.

The fact that it's not legal where you live would bother me also. But I've dated guys that were drinkers and guys that were smokers, and To be 100% honest- the drinking more negatively affects me than my exes smoking weed did. Does that make sense? Like, with drinking it's often more expensive bc they would go out and then there's the issue of the hangover. IDK. I guess if I were in your shoes- I'd be livid he lied. And I'd address that more heavily than the weed. With my ex, I put a limit on how much/often he could smoke. I think it was like $30 worth a month, never during the day, I could always veto and not during the week. And so it worked fine for us.

I don't have to deal with all this now though, dh isn't like this. And I don't know what it's like dealing with it pregnant- so you have more sensitive factors in the mix. I'm sorry he lied to you though. That's the worst.

peteresa · April 2015

One thing I've learned over my 10 yrs with the same man is...whatever they were doing when you met them is what they'll always want to do! This goes for everything like smoking, drinking, using drugs, partying, being a womanizer, being abusive etc.

US ladies always think that the guy they meet "will change" for them but this is NEVER the case! We set ourselves up with dreams, high hopes, and expect them to conform to our lifestyles but in the end, the man will go back to his old ways because that's just WHO HE IS!!!

If you feel the need to CHANGE a man and the way he thinks you might as well just remove yourself from that relationship because a ZEBRA never changes its stripes!

ladyteach0505 · April 2015

I agree with the PP above me. If you're not okay with what he's doing and he lies to you you'll never trust him and the relationship will always be tense to some degree.

jkell448 · April 2015

Thanks guys! I had a long talk with him this morning and he came clean. His reasonings for it was to relieve stress because he's nervous about the baby coming. I focused more on the fact that he lied to me though and he said he just didn't want to disappoint me which is silly because now I'm more disappointed in him. I love him to death and I'm not going to let one thing tear us apart considering the good definitely outweighs the bad but now I feel like we have to build that trust back up which makes me kind of sad. I just want things to be perfect once LO gets here. I appreciate all of the words and advice though

LadyBlood · April 2015

I had a similar issue with my husband. He suddenly turned into a smoker during a deployment, 4 years later and TONS of arguments and lying and going behind my back he is finally quitting. Unfortunately no matter what you say, most guys/people are going to do it anyways until they decide they want to stop. I think the reality that our son would be born soon really helped to motivate my husband to quit. We had an honest conversation, no fighting, about the issue and I explained to him that not only do I despise smoking, but that is not something I want our son around or to look up to a person who smokes. And that I watched my mom fall apart from years of smoking and I'd like him to be healthy for our son. I think it really helped open his eyes and motivate him to change. Good luck

babyboyhoward · April 2015

I've been friends with people on both sides, and I don't think it works to forbid your partner from anything. That said a "pothead" is not an effective parent either. It sounds like talking was really beneficial for you, and men NEED their boy time to detress. If the pot is not in your house and it's an occasional treat for him- I'd turn a blind eye...

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