Husband distant since its a girl

jaallspach · April 2015

My husband and I got married August of 2015 and thinking it would take six months to a year to get pregnant we decided to start trying in November. Little did we know it would only take us one time. My husband wasn't as thrilled as I was when I told him the news on Christmas Eve but slowly started to except he was going to be a dad. I had some light spotting and had an ultrasound around 15 weeks to rule out any problems and the ultrasound tech said she thought we were expecting a little boy. After that day my husband completely changed and was actually excited. This past Friday we had our 20 week scan and found out we are having a little girl. Since then there has been hardly any communication between us and as soon as he gets home from work he finds things to do so he doesn't have to be around me. I've tried talking to him and he says I'm dramatic and emotional and that nothing is different. Anyone else have a similar experience or advice?

lollybeal · April 2015

Oh that's no good, I'm sorry your other half is being difficult. My husband has a tendency to go all quiet as well. We had a similar experience with getting pregnant first try and he was just off for a week or so. I think it just takes men a while to get used to things and the silence helps them figure out there own shit.
If I were you I'd just get excited for myself. A little girl is so exciting. Perhaps if he sees all the bits and can "see" how exciting it is, it may convince him how wonderful it will be. If you use Pinterest, perhaps start a board for you both. There are some brilliant blogs on daddy's girls.
Sorry it's not real advices but I hope it helps. And congratulations on having a little girl! Yay!

jaallspach · April 2015

Thank you : )

Yiggle09 · April 2015

We find out this thursday and DH wants a boy too, I am hoping if its a girl there isn't a change. I hope things work themselves out for you and your husband. He may just be upset at the office for telling him something incorrect.

mrscate88 · April 2015

Awe I'm sorry he's being a butthead! Our situations are similar, we got married a month before you (July 2014) and also decided to start trying in late November and got pregnant right away!! We totally thought it would take 6-12 months to get pregnant, and I "thought" I had my ovulation schedule down, but apparently not haha. He was pretty excited when I told him, but he said right away he wanted a son first. I didn't mind that at all, I kinda wanted a son too. Our ultrasound tech was 100% sure at 13 weeks that it was a girl. She literally placed the wand on my belly and said, "it's a girl." I could see my husband's disappointment, not that he won't love his daughter, but he's just terrified of raising a girl, and I don't blame him at all. He wasn't mean to me, but he was short with me a few days, and then if the sex of baby came up, he would kind of sigh like he didn't want to accept it. We ended up doing a 3D ultrasound just to confirm, and the girl also put the wand right on my belly and said "it's a girl!" Again, he was a little bummed. He's getting used to the idea now. My thinking on it is that you just have to give him time and be patient. Don't baby him, he knew of the 50/50 chance when you guys started trying, but be kind and understanding and give him time. Raising a daughter will be sooo different than raising a son, wonderful in its own way, but different than what our husbands wanted for their first daddy experience. Once she arrives, daddy will be completely wrapped around her finger and will forget he ever wanted a boy. Hang in there mama, all will be okay! :-)

J0C0TX · April 2015

jaallspach - this could change when she arrives as sometimes it's not very real to men until they're holding the baby. If it's bothering you, you could do something to show him how amazing little girls think their daddy's are (maybe a cute onesie or something). Trust me. I have 2 girls and they ADORE their daddy.

JenLovesDesign · April 2015

Oh he's just having a little gender disappointment. My husband had it too when he found out we were having a girl. I think men worry more with girls. My husband keeps saying, I'm not paying for her to go on spring break! And ' now we've got to worry about all the d's instead of just one.' He'll come around. I told my husband if he wants to try for a boy we can, then he confessed that he was afraid to because the second child is always dumber than the first, the dumb baby if you will. Well, me being the second child (and him the first of course) we had a whole discussion about that. Mostly funny though. Anyway, don't worry he'll come around, and don't bring up the dumb baby thing.

valerierose15 · April 2015

I wouldn't let it bother you. When the baby girl comes, he's going to fall head over heels in love. DH was pretty disappointed (throughout the entire pregnancy) when we found out we were having a girl. She's two years old, and he is wrapped around her little finger. He said he wouldn't change having her for the world. He loves that girl to death. Having a girl doesn't mean it's all dress up and foofi-ness.

mybabynumber2 · April 2015

I know it seems a long way away yet, but you just wait and see, when hubby holds your baby, a little tiny being, that you've both created together, the fact that it's a little girl will be irrelevant.

Promise you that. :-)

mill1020 · April 2015

He might be grieving the son he thought he would have this time around. And he might be avoiding you a little bit just to spare your feelings (even though it doesn't really work that way). It may take some time; try not to push him too hard or take it too personally that he's working through it.

Mehilovna · April 2015

My hubby took a long time to come around. He was actually mad at me for not telling him I was pregnant sooner (I told him at aprox. 6 weeks, cuz there was a time I didn't think I could have children, and was in shock myself) I think he wanted me to not have the child, but as time passes, he's seeing baby bump, and realized it's HIS child, it's HIS happiness to share. I hope for you that your husband comes around the way mine is starting to, because mine didn't talk to me for about 2 weeks, would go out every night, and sparked fear in me that he was cheating. Of course it's irrational fear, and a lot to do with hormones, but still. It sucks not having the man who is supposed to be the there through everything be so inconsiderate to our feelings and at what is supposed to be the happiest moments in our life together be so distant. So I definitely feel your pain, to its fullest extent. I think he needs to come around on his own. No matter what anyone says to try and help him, he's going to have a moment where he realizes what your doing, and how hard it is, and snap out of it. Good luck to the 3 of you

excited2bmommy09 · April 2015

We were the same way. We stopped birth control middle of December thinking if we were lucky we would get pregnant in three to six months. Three weeks later I was holding a positive test and we were both shocked! I was excited right away, he took about a week to calm down and go from freaked out to excited.

I'm a little nervous about this same thing happening with my SO. We have our gender ultrasound this Friday and he wants a boy sooo badly. I'm not worried about him not loving a baby girl once she comes, I'm worried about him crawling into his mental man cave and worrying about it for a few weeks. Once baby is here he will be a big pile of loving goo no matter what it is, I'm sure your husband will be the same! Men just have their own special way of processing things. Congrats on your baby girl!

MrsPyrowiz · April 2015

I'm sorry you're going through that. My husband was excited as can be to have a little boy, now we know it is a boy and he's terrified and already worried about having to have a sex talk with him. Part of him wanted a girl because all the "scary talks" would be on me lol. I'm glad he's being open about everything he's thinking and feel, but I wish he wasn't already planning ten years ahead. Congratulations on your little girl! She will be a princess and your husband will fall head over heels for her!

Knottie96229960 · April 2015

Many people get crushed when they wanted a certain sex and find out they are having opposite. He will come around I'm sure, expecially when he sees his princess. He's probably just having it all sink in and thinking how he has to probably get a gun license, lol. I'm sorry he's not more supportive but give him time. My sis wanted a girl for so long she had 4 boys and pregnant with 5th hoping a girl, she just knew it. When she found out she was pissed whole pregnancy, and pissed with me bc i was having the girl but when she saw her baby she melted and accepted.

str13 · April 2015

DH did this with DD1 (DD2 was a whole different story. Blah) my DH had no real baby experience, he was an only child and only had a half brother late in life. Not only were babies foreign, it girls even more so. Once DD1 got here and he realized there was nothing to it! He was happy when he found out DD2 was a girl!

Your DH will come around, I think it's just hard for guys sometimes to wrap their heads around being dads.

barrelocarol · April 2015

You know, men hate failure. Unknown is pre-failure. Girls are so scary and they represent the possibility of messing up.

Some men think back over how they treated women in their lives. It's a time of real soul searching. He just needs to go into his cave for a bit. He will come back out a better man.

Men don't know how to process and love us simultaneously very well. It's why women have the muti-task gene (literally). So we can process out our feelings while still being somewhat connected.

JenLovesDesign · April 2015

@barrelocarol My husband also mentioned that having a girl could be punishment for all the times he's objectified women. I told him never to think of it as a punishment, but I was really surprised to hear him say that.

jbettles · April 2015

My husband was CRUSHED when we found out baby #1 was a girl. He even talked of how they're wrong on the sonogram sometime, etc, etc... But now he tells his friends how he hopes they all have girls, he loves her so much. She's the sun his world revolves around, and he's very vocal about that. I just hope if this one is also a girl, he remembers those feelings. He wants a boy, and I'm a little scared he will be disappointed if he doesn't get one! (This will be the last baby, we have already decided).
Trust my prior experience - your husband will come around!!

Rachelsbaby · April 2015

Just a heads up he can be mad at himself he's the one who determine the sex of the baby. Because men carry the x and Y chromosome.

kjs08 · April 2015

I'm sorry to hear that your going through this, but why is he disappointed? If it's because he thinks his daughter won't be able to "run with the boys" let me tell you, I was the FARTHEST thing from girly as you got when I was a kid. I've since toned down my tomboy as I've gotten older (I willingly wear dresses and pink now). My sister on the other hand was the exact opposite. I preferred slinging mud, sis preferred dolls. I hated prints and pink, sis loved them. My dad, who's a mechanic, fireman, and who dabbled in everything "men" do while he was growing up (he even made his own dynamite and blew up a pile of dirt in the backyard once), taught me how to play baseball and basketball, used to race me up the driveway after taking the garbage out, taught me how to fish, use power tools, become a handy-woman, to to basic maintenance to my car (change tire, oil, transmission oil, anti-freeze, replace spark plugs, etc.) and so, so much more. I got to tell you that learning how to care for my car was by far one of the most valuable things I could have learned. You should see the look on the faces of the people who work at a garage when I needed new brakes, tires, or oil changed and would try to rip me off (sorry guys, I know EXACTLY what you're talking about).

I did learn a lot from my mom, like how not to cook (she really was bad when I was a kid. The dog wouldn't eat some of her cooking), how to sew, doing laundry properly, as well as using power tools (my mom had an arts and crafts business) and how to garden (I still suck at gardening). While I love both my parents, I'm very much a daddy's girl, but my dad taught me to be self sufficient and independent.

If all else fails, you could get him one of those plaques or shirts that has the rules for dating his daughter. I sent that to my dad as a joke once and he got a kick out of it.

baker1jm2 · April 2015

Very similar situation. . Went off bc just before thanksgiving with the plan to start trying in the spring.. and bam pregnant instantly! We're having a girl and hubs def had huge gender disappointment for about a week. . He just asked me not to talk about it for a few days and he came around. Now he's picking out dresses and hair bows haha. He'll come around everyone deals with things differently!

dpmm93 · April 2015

My SO was the same way when we found out we were pregnant. It was a complete shock to both of us but I became excited right away and all I could think and talk about was our life with a baby. He would never engage in conversation, and never showed any exciting until we heard baby's heart beat. Since that appointment he has been so excited and talks to my belly every day. He has been referring to it as a boy for weeks now and won't acknowledge it may be a girl. We find out tomorrow the sex of baby so I'm super nervous he'll become distant again if it's a girl. He is the sweetest and never the type to get his hopes up for anything but he's so set on having a boy. I agree with everyone saying it doesn't hit dads until baby arrives - they can't feel the little movements we feel and their bodies aren't changing everyday so it doesn't become real until they hold their baby. I'm sure your SO will be the perfect dad to his little girl

congrats!

missliz53 · April 2015

My dh was a little disappointed when we found out we were having a girl. So I reminded him that he can do everything with a girl that he can do with a boy, and besides how does he even know his son will like fishing and building things? I also reminded him that since he loves to cuddle, a little girl will be perfect for him (I know boys like to cuddle too, but his nephews and my friend's son are more like bull-dozers than cuddlers). Now he's excited to build her a play house.

RositaRae · April 2015

I really don't understand gender disappointment. I went through a year and a half of hell and fertility treatments to conceive this miracle baby so I'm just hoping he/she is healthy. The baby you conceive is the baby you are supposed to have. If you wanted a boy and ended up having a girl would you love them any less? I really doubt it! I apologize if I sound grumpy...these hormones have my emotions all over the place this week.

Izzies · April 2015

My husband was so I insistant with dd that we were having a boy that he argued with the Dr. When we found out she was a girl that the Dr had it wrong. To be honest he was disappointed at first because he had only seen himself as a father to little boys, he had a hard time fitting a girl into that picture.
Once out little girl was born he would not change it for anything. Dd has him wrapped around her finger and he loves it! Give him a little time, guys process differently and while he is being a butt he will come around!

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