I love this article- 49% mother 51% wife

[Deleted User] · April 2015

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KonaCoffeeBean · April 2015

Um, did you catch the part on holding back on the judgement? Why do you care how often your friend has sex with her husband?

alexam2012 · April 2015

Kids come first for me. Husband should be participating not hiding in the basement worrying about his penis.

Addelie · April 2015

I found that article a pretty bizarre read. She sounded almost fanatical about how to structure life - I don't think it sounded healthy.

Then again, I don't think home schooling is healthy, and neither is literally interpreting Genesis (where does she get prioritisation rules from in that quote anyway?!) and so I guess I'll just say "no thanks" to all of this.

virginiaunicorn11 · April 2015

I am not religious or into the author's choices, but agree with the overall message and OP. And I think it's healthy to look around you to consider what does and doesn't work for your own family. We all post on this board to compare notes and figure out the best path for our own pregnancies, which isn't so different. Looking at someone else's choices and saying, "Nope, not for me" can be effective and doesn't necessarily mean judgment.

So for me, I wholeheartedly agree that my marriage will always need to come first, before the kid. It's something DH and I discuss often. I find this article refreshing after the 99% Mommy crap, which really put me off.

To each her own.

ETA: ok, OP's post does come off as judgmental, looking back on it. But the rest of my points stand.

kmama2013 · April 2015

While I do agree with this it is easier said than done. You as a FTM will soon find out that this is the case, but it is good to try your best to keep it that way. At the moment I'm more kid first than husband first and I can tell you it definitely shows but I am working on trying to give 'us' more time together , which is hard when your husband works 12 hour shifts and sleeps on most of his off time. You need to find the right balance to somehow make it work and no ones perfect so its not going to happen All The Time, but it is for sure something you have to consciously decide to do daily.

karaelaine1991 · April 2015

I think the bottom line is to be devoted to both your marriage AND your kid(s). And accept that everyone has different balances that work for them. If the 51/49 balance is ideal for your marriage and this article was helpful to you, awesome! and thanks for sharing it with the group, since there are probably others out there who feel the same way you do. I personally hope to be giving my all to both my husband and my baby - I don't see why my love needs to be quantified or split. But I am a FTM so perhaps my perspective will change with time and experience.

I do have to say, your friend's situation sounds frustrating - although, I do think it's a bit alarming that she shared such an intimate detail of her sex life with you. I get that she probably needs support right now but some things should probably stay private between husband and wife. Just my two cents

aliciaspinnet · April 2015

The thing that bothers me about this article and the 99% mother 1% wife one that inspired it is that there's no percentage left for themselves. I'm about to be a FTM so maybe I'm being naive, but I don't want to lose myself entirely to being a mother. I think that occasionally prioritising myself will enable me to be a better wife and mother.

laurendutch · April 2015

I didn't read the article bc usually they just aggravate me. But when I had my boys the love that I had for my husband grew in a way I couldn't even imagine. He is the best Father! I try not to merit my relationship on just sex alone but rather intimacy (doesn't have to be sex) and communication. For that first year we were both in a survival mode and our sex life suffered. However, our intimacy grew so much bc we were serving each other. He was so great about giving me time to myself and helping with the kids, and me likewise. Our relationship grew so much even though we weren't getting busy. Our favorite dates from that first year were taking our boys for drives and eating In N Out in the car while they napped.

KaLikeAWind · April 2015

aliciaspinnet said:
The thing that bothers me about this article and the 99% mother 1% wife one that inspired it is that there's no percentage left for themselves. I'm about to be a FTM so maybe I'm being naive, but I don't want to lose myself entirely to being a mother. I think that occasionally prioritising myself will enable me to be a better wife and mother.

Well said. I'm myself. I also happen to be a wife, and soon, a mom. I also think that occasionally putting myself first will make all of my other relationships / roles more fulfilling

[Deleted User] · April 2015

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kmama2013 · April 2015

Yes, you definitely also need some 'me' time. I meant to add that in my first comment and completely spaced it! I dont get it often and its funny when I do i find myself missing my baby girl but it just makes me realize how blessed I am to have her and just enough time for me to be refreshed

KaLikeAWind · April 2015

@MrsWilson830 that really is unfortunate for your friend. I'm sorry to hear that, and I certainly hope that doesn't happen with me and my hubs. I'm certainly hoping to connect with him in all new and still some same old ways after baby

mccall35 · April 2015

An interesting read, and definitely to each his own. That being said, as a soon to be STM, I will admit that those first few months are very very hard. You really are in a survival mode and time both flies and stands still all at once. In those first few weeks, I don't think I was giving much thought to anything other than baby. However, DH was feeling the same way, and ironically we bonded and became a better husband and wife team because of our mutual lack of attention to our relationship. It's like an Everest-type of endeavor that you get to embark on with your most trusted ally.

A new baby poses soo many challenges to all of your previous relationships not just the one you share with your partners but friends, co-workers, older children, other family, hairdressers, the mailman etc. While you can choose to let that one relationship consume you, you can also choose to lean on those other people and allow them to help you navigate your changed relationships. It's not the sole responsibility of the mum to figure out how best to maintain her relationships (as they are always a two way street). I don't believe in breaking down life and relationships into percentages, as this is arbitrary and doesn't account for real life. DH and I tackle parenting as a team, so I also find it hard to conceptualize "mothering" as a seperate entity that would be deserving of it's own percentage.

Ultimately, it's up to each family to figure out how a new baby fits best. For our family we prioritize family time and have always brought DS along with us everywhere we go. We throw in a date night every now and then, but that is as much for DS (and my ILs who are always itching for alone time with DS) as it is for us. A combination of open communication, an incredible love for our children and a dash of intimacy are the foundation of our relationship. To all you FTM who are worrying about a baby wedging itself in between you and your partners, I can guarantee he/she will, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Your relationship will evolve and stretch and look completely different a year from now, but change is not a bad thing. Embrace it, embrace your new roles, embrace your new baby, but most importantly embrace each other!

TL/DR: Your relationship with your partner will change after baby. Embrace the change and enjoy the ride!

joyfuljenny · April 2015

I really enjoyed the article and share the same perspective; it's what I want for our family as well, to prioritize God first, my husband second, and children third. My husband and I have talked about this a lot, and it's one of his greatest fears, that after the baby arrives I'll be 100% focused on her and have no time for him. He feels very loved and reassured when I tell him that making time for us and our marriage will always be important to me.

I think it's worthwhile to note that the author of the article doesn't currently have an infant - her youngest is 4, and her oldest are "tweenagers." I'd venture to say that she's past the "survival mode" stage of life with a newborn. Of course there are stages when the physical demands of children will be more immediate than the needs of my husband (and the author mentions this in her article). But I want my overall perspective through the years to be continuing to love and value my husband.

I saw my own parents' marriage crumble because my mom put her children above everything else (not just my dad, but also caring for herself, or maintaining friendships with other women), and now that her children are grown and gone from home, she is miserable. Although they are still married and living under the same roof, my parents have no real relationship with each other; they basically just coexist in the same house and are both lonely, but can't seem to reconnect with each other after years of neglecting their relationship. I certainly don't want that for us, but I think it can be easy to fall into if not intentionally making time to invest in your marriage.

ETA: sorry, my phone kept trying to post before I was finished typing!

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