Dealing with Grandparents-to-Be (particularly on religious issues) Sorry for the Rant

nnewman4 · April 2015

Recently my husband and I moved across the country to be closer to our parents when the baby is born, but at the moment we're ready to move back. Suddenly, they are full of advice and everything we want to do is wrong. The biggest issues are coming about due to religion. We're Jewish and in theory I am not supposed to purchase anything for the baby, let alone bring it into the house, before he's born. My mother went so far as to remove every going-away present from my co-workers when we moved in so they wouldn't be in the house. We recently purchased an infant car seat and it's taking a lot of effort to keep her from coming up and grabbing it from us. Our plan is to install it soon so it's there when the baby comes. Apparently I'm highly unreasonable.

Then his parents are freaking out over the all religious aspects, especially once he revealed we're 99% certain if we circumcise we're doing it in the hospital rather than with a mohel at our house. Neither my husband or I is overly religious and we both feel more comfortable having this sort of thing done at the hospital. While we "are entitled to make our own choices" they feel the need to remind us every time we talk that I'm doing it wrong.

But no matter what we do or say, both sets of parents will not leave us alone! Does anyone have any advice for dealing with overbearing parents? I'm trying to grin and bear it, but it's really starting to stress me out. I can only imagine it's going to get worse and worse as my third trimester progresses and the baby gets closer and closer.

Katerina&Baby · April 2015

You guys need to set boundaries now or it's only going to get worse. You and your husband should sit down with your parents and then his parents and let them know that that this is YOUR child and you will make decisions regarding your child as you see fit. State that although they may not agree with every choice you guys make, that you expect them to respect your decisions. End with the sentiment that, while there will certainly be times that you will be asking for their advice, if you are not actively soliciting their opinion, they should understand your silence to mean that their opinion on the subject is not requested and to keep it to themselves.

hey&june · April 2015

I agree with PP. This will just continue if you allow it to. You are the parents. They had their chance to be parents and make decisions about their family and kids, and now it is your turn. They need to treat you as grown ups and respect your choices. I know it is tough to lay it out like that when they are your parents, but they need to realize that if they are too overbearing, it may cost them a close relationship with their children and grandchildren.

I find it helpful to stand together with my husband and say, "WE'VE decided...." as a united front when there is something that you may get some negative reactions on. You can also say, "I know that you did____, but we have talked about it and we've decided to ____". We also might say, "We've decided to do this a little differently than you are used to, and you may not like it, but this is what we've chosen and we'd appreciate it if you'd respect our decision." You can put a positive spin on and say that it may not be traditional but you've chosen to celebrate the baby a little differently than they did.

Don't let yourself bottle up anger about it and blow. I think having a conversation ASAP in person will help.

tyke29 · April 2015

I totally agree about setting boundaries. However, I would also take into a count items that are very important to them.

I would want my car seat installed and ready to go by about 36 weeks. So they could get over that.

If they don't want baby items in your house, that is fine but I would the room cleaned out and painted and they have to set up everything the way I request it. Like make a floor plan, etc. You do what I ask or I do it myself now.

If you chose to circumcise at the hospital, can a mohel come to bless the process - sorry if that is not how that works.

Echo1334 · April 2015

I very much agree with whats already been said and am slightly dealing with the same with conservative Christian family. You need to make sure they understand that while they are family this is your child and as such you and your husband are the people making the decisions. If you have unsteady boundaries now it will only get worse as you get closer to your due date and your child grows up. I do think that looking at what is very important to them could help the situation but it could also result in them getting that footing to pry the door even more open. What I personally did was explain to my dad that we do not share his faith/ideals/etc and that while we appreciate his input we will be doing things that we agree on. I did make the concession that rather than having my daughter baptized and dedicated in his faith we will have my daughter baptized in mine and the fathers faith and that if he will show respect he is welcome to come. Hope that helps.

ariejsmom · April 2015

I agree with the boundaries. This is your baby and you make the decisions. But when you sit down with them I would say something like " As our parents you raised us this way religiously and we respect and love you for that BUT as adults it is our choice which path we go and we are not leaving the religion we are just doing it in the 21 century". It's definitely a hard issue bc you love them and they love you but you MUST set the limits and stick with it. I, personally, would sit down with both sets of parents at the same time bc two separate meetings may be to stressful for you. Hope all works out.

nnewman4 · April 2015

Thanks for the advice! My parents are taking things quite a bit easier than his parents are.

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