Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
tigerfish227
member
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intro... don't know where else to go.
tigerfish227
member
I wasn't going to do this. I didn't want to if this happened but I don't know where else to turn. I'm sorry for the lengthy post but i need to get this out somehow and I feel like except for my SO, everyone just wants to tell me it is common and that it isn't anything to worry about. But I lost my baby 2 weeks ago.
My family has been very supportive in every way that they can but I don't know how to express really how I'm feeling and hearing people tell me they are sorry and that it will all be OK just isn't what I want to hear anymore. In my head I know that it wasn't my fault and that miscarriage is really pretty common. I know that I will never really know why my baby didn't make it but it doesn't make it any easier knowing any of this and I can't help but be terrified that it will happen again. I'm so scared that my worst fear of never being able to have a baby of my own is coming true. I want so badly to try again but I don't know if I can handle it if I have to go thru another loss. I think what makes it hardest for me was having no warning. My body did not recognize that the baby hadn't survived and I still had all the symptoms I should have had. I had no cramps, no spotting. Nothing to indicate any possible problem. If I hadn't gone in for my regular appointment I don't know how long it might have been before my body finally would have done what it was supposed to do.
They told me that since it had been 3 weeks since the baby had stopped growing it was best for me to have a d&c procedure. If I waited for my body to pass the baby naturally then it could have been very painful and I would have a high risk of infection. Now that it is over I just don't feel right. I can't really describe it. I feel like a piece of me is missing somehow. I have to force myself not to try to think back and figure out what I might have done during the week after my ultrasound. I wish they could tell me for sure why my baby didn't survive. I don't even know if it was a boy or girl and that makes it even harder.
I try to take a little comfort in the fact that my sister also lost her first pregnancy but now has 2 beautiful little children. The only issue there is that her body did what it was supposed to do and she had a natural miscarriage at about 5-6 weeks. My baby stopped growing just before 9 weeks and at almost 12 weeks my body gave me no indication that there was any problem at all. It was finally starting to feel real and not like just a dream when it was suddenly ripped away like I stepped into a nightmare.
Anyways, like I said, I've heard enough I'm sorrys and what not. I just want to feel normal again. I want to know that I'm not defective. I want to know that I will be a mommy to a child of my own. It's the one thing that I have always wanted in my life no matter what else has changed. I want to know that it will happen and not just hear people tell me that to make me feel better.
My family has been very supportive in every way that they can but I don't know how to express really how I'm feeling and hearing people tell me they are sorry and that it will all be OK just isn't what I want to hear anymore. In my head I know that it wasn't my fault and that miscarriage is really pretty common. I know that I will never really know why my baby didn't make it but it doesn't make it any easier knowing any of this and I can't help but be terrified that it will happen again. I'm so scared that my worst fear of never being able to have a baby of my own is coming true. I want so badly to try again but I don't know if I can handle it if I have to go thru another loss. I think what makes it hardest for me was having no warning. My body did not recognize that the baby hadn't survived and I still had all the symptoms I should have had. I had no cramps, no spotting. Nothing to indicate any possible problem. If I hadn't gone in for my regular appointment I don't know how long it might have been before my body finally would have done what it was supposed to do.
They told me that since it had been 3 weeks since the baby had stopped growing it was best for me to have a d&c procedure. If I waited for my body to pass the baby naturally then it could have been very painful and I would have a high risk of infection. Now that it is over I just don't feel right. I can't really describe it. I feel like a piece of me is missing somehow. I have to force myself not to try to think back and figure out what I might have done during the week after my ultrasound. I wish they could tell me for sure why my baby didn't survive. I don't even know if it was a boy or girl and that makes it even harder.
I try to take a little comfort in the fact that my sister also lost her first pregnancy but now has 2 beautiful little children. The only issue there is that her body did what it was supposed to do and she had a natural miscarriage at about 5-6 weeks. My baby stopped growing just before 9 weeks and at almost 12 weeks my body gave me no indication that there was any problem at all. It was finally starting to feel real and not like just a dream when it was suddenly ripped away like I stepped into a nightmare.
Anyways, like I said, I've heard enough I'm sorrys and what not. I just want to feel normal again. I want to know that I'm not defective. I want to know that I will be a mommy to a child of my own. It's the one thing that I have always wanted in my life no matter what else has changed. I want to know that it will happen and not just hear people tell me that to make me feel better.
Re: intro... don't know where else to go.
All advice given based on lengthy personal experience.
I am not a doctor, I just have a working medical vocabulary.
Always available to answer questions about loss, infertility, and TRP.
The hubs and I went in for our first ultrasound in our 10th week of pregnancy, all excited and hopeful and even giddy because we were going to see our baby for the first time. Everything shattered to pieces when the ultrasound showed that there was no heartbeat and the baby likely stopped growing at like 6 weeks. It was like my worst nightmare came true, sure you know the statistics and all but I had had no signs, no cramps, no spotting, no nothing and yet still... I felt betrayed by my own body that after all these weeks it had not recognized that the pregnancy wasn't viable but kept me believing I was carrying a healthy pregnancy. It was clear medical intervention was necessary so we opted to induce the miscarriage at home with misoprostol the day after we found out. Sadly I ended up having to undergo a d/c 3 weeks later after all because of an incomplete miscarriage.. which was a disappointment (though even still I'm happy still with the decision to do the misoprostol). I have to say, those weeks in between the ultrasound and the d/c were really rough and I felt so bad, then the day after the d/c physically I felt so much better! It's taken me 2 weeks to stop bleeding after the d/c and once that was finished I finally felt like the physical part of the mc was "complete" and that I could move on to the next phase so to speak, to start healing emotionally.
Thank you for sharing what your mother told you about not having a way to tell for sure when the baby's heart actually stopped and all. I never thought of it that way and now that I have, I have to say it does comfort me to know that perhaps.. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself when it comes to my body not recognizing things had gone wrong. That's really been a struggle, even though I know it wasn't anything I did or could have done to prevent the miscarriage.
I'm currently waiting for my first post-d/c period to start, and it's an odd sensation. On the one hand I'm glad that after 5 weeks I've finally stopped bleeding completely, and that I no longer have to carry pads everywhere - on the other hand I'm so looking forward to my first period as that will feel like yet another new phase is beginning.. that physically I'm ready to start ttc again (though emotionally I'm not quite that far yet and the hubs and I have decided to give ourselves a bit more time before ttc again) and that's a bíg thing. These past weeks I have felt that I wasn't in control of things, and it's not a good feeling. Now I know I can't control ttc either but at least all will be to where we can at least try again? If that makes sense. I'm both impatiently looking forward to that moment as terrified of falling pregnant again cause while I know a new pregnancy is nót the same as this previous one and no doubt/most likely all will go just fine.. I am just scared as I'm not sure I can cope with another loss like this. But I try not to let that get to me to much cause then I'll be living with to much anxiety rather then life in the moment and enjoy all the good things that surround me.
Oops it got lenghty
One small word of advice.. don't google too much on what to expect when you take the medication. There's a lót of horrorstories out there while those women who had a more positive experience (or at least less horrid) don't tend to write about it much. There's a couple of informative posts on the topic and how to prepare for it here on the board (though also bad exeriences) and also some well written blogposts elsewhere online - if you'd be interested in reading some other women's experiences feel free to msg me and I can give you some links if you like. Or share my own story, which was rough but... doable?
Good luck!
I still have a lot of fears about going thru everything again. I'm still terrified that it will happen again but I can't imagine not trying. Maybe it's a bit like falling off a bike or a horse (tho obviously much more painful emotionally) where if you wait too long you may never get up the courage to give it another try. I just can't see myself waiting until I'm not scared because I don't think the fear will ever really go away. I don't know how I will handle another loss if that is what happens but I can't let that fear control me and keep me from the possibility of ever having a successful pregnancy just to prevent the possibility of another unsuccessful one. I know, no matter what, I have my SO and his 2 boys. They will be there for me. And I have the rest of my family that will help me get thru it if I have to do it again.
I too have gotten the whole gambit of responses and even the well you are lucky it didn't take you long to conceive or you are lucky you were only 10 wks into your pregnancy. I sure as hell don't feel lucky. I feel like a walking tomb if that makes sense. Everytime I hug my husband or he touches my belly to hold me I know our little one is still in there and I'm having a very hard time with that.
The doctor went over the options after they told me there was no heartbeat, but I watched the sonogram and knew as soon as they measured him. My worst fears had become a reality. I went numb that day and still am, I didn't bring my husband with me to the appointment because it was just supposed to be bloodwork, telling him was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Knowing in that moment before making the phone call I would change his world.
I'm still very sad and have had absolutely no sign of miscarriage anytime soon. This pain is the worst I've ever felt. I loved our baby so much in the 12 weeks I thought he was there.
Anyway I'm sorry for everyone's losses here. I can relate and I guess only time can heal.
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"
DD1 - BFP 7/23/15 (EDD 3/31/16). "We believe in you rainbow" DOB 4/2/16
DD2 - BFP 2/9/18 (EDD 10/19/18). "Grow baby grow!" DOB 10/24/18
BFP 11/16/20 (EDD 7/31/21). "Round 3 FIGHT!"
A few days later I had a d&c, it was a horrible time for me because I was pregant during my birthday and within that same month I had a d&c- plus it was Thanksgiving week- I was a wreck.
I didn't know what could have gone wrong. But I let my body heal, took baby aspirin everyday (I read online it can help prevent a miscarriage even if that isn't true it helped me believe it)
2 months later I was pregnant again. I couldn't believe how quick and simple it was since the first one took 6 months woth of trying. I went straight to my OBGYN and he checked my levels and told me that my progesterone was low, and as a precaution, I should take progesterone supplements. Well I took the suppositories and pills since my levels were dangerously low. After 10 weeks he took me off them and I actually had a normal, healthy pregnancy.
When I try for my second child I will go back on progesterone pills because I honestly think that had something to do with it. I'm not sure if you had gotten your levels checked or not but it doesn't hurt to take every precaution necessary within the first 3 months since it's super fragile during that time.
My baby was due on the day I had my d&c the previous year, but she came around my birthday instead- she made up for the previous terrible November that we went through.
I have faith you will have your baby when you are suppose to have your baby. ❤️❤️❤️❤️