Mother offended....

lilmama041215 · April 2015

Idk if I am seriously being awful here, but my dad has informed me that I aparently really hurt my moms feelings really bad.. Because she was not in the delivery room as I was pushing my son out she felt "unwanted" and "unneeded." She also had her heart set on being in the room as I was delivering (and I was completely unaware of this as my husband and I made it quite clear to EVERYONE that it would be strictly him and ONLY him in the delivery room with me and that was it). EVERYONE was also notified that nurses and my dr would keep everyone from even coming in. I guess some how my mom missed all this ???? But I really have no sympathy because I felt like the information was clear when it was put out and this is my first baby!! Like excuse me for wanting a special moment between me and my DH and our first born! Am I wrong to be insensitive about this?? Honestly its really frustrating to me that shes making my sons birth about her and her feelings only.....

dmh1687 · April 2015

She needs to get over it. You have nothing to apologize for. Not only is it a special moment for you and your husband, but it's also possibly a totally awkward, mortifying moment for you to have others witness, as you were likely unclothed and in various states of agony and disarray the entire time. I deliver in July and NO ONE will be present for the delivery other than my husband.

lilmama041215 · April 2015

dmh1687 said:
She needs to get over it. You have nothing to apologize for. Not only is it a special moment for you and your husband, but it's also possibly a totally awkward, mortifying moment for you to have others witness, as you were likely unclothed and in various states of agony and disarray the entire time. I deliver in July and NO ONE will be present for the delivery other than my husband.

Oh my goodness yes! But she feels since shes a massage therapist it would have been very beneficial to have had her in there because I would have been in less pain.. Ugh thats why I got an epidural and honestly I didnt even want my dh to touch me, not even hold my hand! All I wanted was to hear his voice thats it! So no!

astrat017 · April 2015

This isn't her baby. My husband was and will be the only one in the room for our children. My mom wasn't there when I made the baby either. She'll get over it

shrkfan · April 2015

My husband was the only one in the room too. I feel exactly the same as you and wanted it to just be a moment between us.. Plus, I just didn't want an audience in the room. There's plenty of time to see their grandkids once they are born

girlygirlk8e · April 2015

my MIL and FIL are all about being at the hospital when baby is born, not sure why bc they can hang out in the waiting area. No one but me and the husband are going to be in the room during the pushing or invasive procedures. I'm sorry about your mom :[[

Rowsdower85 · April 2015

She'll get over it. Do not let yourself feel guilty about this!! You have enough else to focus on right now. I had to tell people that if they weren't in the room when he was made, they won't be in the room when we meet him! They seemed to respect that a bit more. It should be a private moment for you and your husband. Congrats on your little one, by the way!

xuxachi · April 2015

This is not your problem. It's hers, and your father should have kept his mouth shut. Enjoy your little one and don't worry about it. She'll get over it. Congratulations!!!

cperkins6 · April 2015

To be perfectly honest, I don't even care if you had originally planned to have her in the room and changed your mind last minute... It's your choice... You reserve the right to decide if someone gets to experience you pushing a bowling ball out of your hooha!! I have never had anyone in while pushing, except DH and doc... This is my third, I'm more open to it this time, but still not having anyone in... Not only for me, but for my DH... I've always felt that if anyone else were in there, they would over shadow or take over part of his job... We've been carrying the baby for 9 months... This is his first chance (since conception) to have an active role and meet his child for the first time!

houser1406 · April 2015

You're not being insensitive in the least. It's your child and your moment and not your fault that mom, obviously, has selective hearing. At this point in our pregnancies you'd think people would realize that it's not about them...which is my current situation as well! Good luck and hang in there!

slipsintothesea · April 2015

@girlygirlk8e my mil and fil are all about being there while I'm in labor as well. They will not be allowed in the room and mil says she will be ready and waiting in the waiting room. My bil and sil live 3 miles from the hospital and sil has offered for them to hangout there but mil is insisting to be in the waiting room. I think she thinks I'm going to change my mind about allowing her in the room while I'm in labor bc fil keeps insisting I'm not going to care who is in the room. I know she also thinks she is going to get to hold him first but she definitely is not. It's sad people don't respect your privacy or boundaries! I am very anxious about my mil being there with an entourage.

Sorry that turned into a rant. Your mom will get over it. I feel like some people forget that it's not their baby and that it's your baby and your decision about who gets to be around for certain things.

MrsS728 · April 2015

We've made it very clear that my husband will be the only person in the delivery room. While I am in labor, my MIL, mom, and father can be in the room (minus the times that the doctors check me), but once it's time to push, everyone's out! My mom isn't wild about it and keeps trying to sneak her way in. Last night she asked if my husband was going to take pictures once she was born because she could also be the photographer. No. we've got it covered. Thanks!

We have also told everyone that we will not be making phone calls until I'm admitted. Honestly, we won't be making phone calls until I'm in active labor (5-6 cm dilated). We've also made it clear that no one will see the baby before 2 hours. I want to get cleaned up, we want time to bond with the baby and just have mommy, daddy, baby time. We also have to decide between two names that we've picked out.

yellowdaisies84 · April 2015

First of all, you're obviously not alone and so many people have posted about not wanting people in the waiting room let alone the delivery room. I did want my Mom in the delivery room but she really surprised me by not being excited about it and then I felt like she was trying to talk me into doing it alone with my husband. She told me about when she had her babies with my Dad just being the two of them and what a special time that is to start off just the two of you. I think she couldn't relate at all to wanting your Mom to be there. I'm not even sure she would want to be there. I honestly applaud my Mom so much because I have learned from situations like yours her outlook is a very special, unique one with my best interests at heart. And, with time, I have changed my mind anyway. I no longer want her there in the delivery room I just want it to be my husband and I. She was right.

In fact, I think this is interesting- speaking of changing my mind- I am a very 'go-with-the-flow' type of personality and I don't like to stress about something unless I really HAVE to. I find that a lot of people get worked up about things that they don't really have to worry about and I always think they should just relax. I saw a lot of posts on here about moms-to-be being unhappy with the thought- or the fact- that there were going to be people (or certain people) in the waiting room while they were giving birth. Or worried about wanting their Mom but not their MIL. And I just thought- oh I wouldn't worry so much or try to control everything. Let whoever wants to wait in the waiting room wait. It's their call. I saw posts that said "I don't want the pressure of knowing someone is in the waiting room waiting on me." and I thought "Oh I wouldn't worry about that at all. That's the person's choice."

Now, recently, can I ever relate. I think about it all the time. My SIL said she'd come down right away when she hears we're in labour. I told her that there's no rush at all there will be lots of time for her to meet her niece and she insisted and said she's excited and she even told her co-workers that she will have to leave soon last minute. (My SIL is a very nice, sweet person who gets really involved in everything related to family & friends.) After she said that, I had a weird feeling I couldn't shake. I asked my husband if he thought we should just call everyone after the baby is born. Everyone lives 1-2 hours away so that would give us at least an hour or two before anyone would show up. My husband said he'd like to call his Mom and sister and my Mom too before the baby is born just to keep them in the loop- he said not in early labour but when things are getting serious and we know that she's going to be here in like 4 hours (that was his arbitrary number) he'd want to let them know. I told him his sister said she'd come down so maybe we should wait so we get a little time first. He shrugged, didn't seem like a big issue to him. For some reason, I now hate the thought of family being in the waiting room before she comes. And I also am annoyed by the thought of them coming in too fast after the birth and me feeling not ready to see them or to have them hold the baby. I've heard you usually nurse in the first hour and for some reason I don't like the idea of anyone visiting until after that is over and has hopefully gone well. Give us a chance to breathe her in before you come.

To be honest, I feel like a lot of my concerns I'm having now are coming down to control. My MIL said something sweet about Christmas this year- how we'll have a cute baby around to spoil and she may be crawling and she'll be getting into the Christmas tree. She said the baby would get so many gifts from everyone (on both sides) that my husband and I probably shouldn't get her anything because it will be too much! The weird thing is, I actually basically agree with all of that and totally think her comment was meant to be sweet and excited but my mind was full of negative thoughts. I was thinking- "Hey, who says we're coming to your house for Christmas? What if we want to do our own thing this Christmas or have you come to us? And, what if I want to buy my daughter Christmas presents? I'm an Early Childhood Educator and I care about developmentally appropriate toys and gifts and it would drive me crazy if everyone gives her choking hazards or toys I don't agree with. (Honestly, this thought is crazy because I already thought the same thing as her- for her first Christmas my husband and I will definitely not get her much because of exactly what my MIL said PLUS the fact that my pet peeve is when people try to control everything and here I am trying to control everything!) I worried about her comment about the Christmas tree- would there be safety hazards everywhere? Can I trust family not to give her things that they shouldn't? I've already had some flack about safety things that have changed since my MIL had kids. And something that should NOT bother me at all but does is that I registered for a nice high chair and my MIL bought the baby a booster seat instead. Our dining room chairs are light as a feather- thin wrought iron frame and light as can be fabric seats. I have known for a long time they are not child-safe and we should get heavier dining room chairs when she's older but it really bothers me that I wouldn't use a booster seat on such a flimsy, easy-to-tip chair but I'll probably hurt her feelings or make her really question me if I go out and buy a high chair. I told her that (really nicely) but she disagreed that the light chairs were a safety issue. She tends to think all safety issues are over-blown and over-protective. I feel like I wish she had just asked me before she bought it. And I'm annoyed with myself for feeling that way- how bratty and ungrateful is it that I feel that way? But again, I think it's hard to feel any loss of control right now for some reason. Like, I want/need to be in charge of all decisions to do with the baby. And it's not like me to feel this way at all. I don't like it!

Okay, sorry I'm on such a rant- what is my point? Basically that I usually do not like to ever be grumpy about a gift- I think we should appreciate all the gifts we get regardless if it's what we would choose and that we should not try to control everything and should let our families and friends get to experience our child without hindering too much or trying to have everything a certain way. And, here I am believing all of that yet still having all of these thoughts. I think it's a normal part of pregnancy/new motherhood to struggle with control and how much to give up and how much to enforce.

mrsmeyer419 · April 2015

I didn't even think about people being in the room after she's born!! We plan on doing skin to skin for the first hour as long as she's healthy and doesn't need to be whisked away. So I guess that's another issue we will need to address with family.

charlie1993 · April 2015

I was exactly the same only me and my partner in the delivery room and no one came in until we where ready lucky it didn't cause any problems, your mother is trying to put the lime light onto her, tell her to back of and just be a grandma not an overpowering mother

kirstyhart86 · April 2015

I completely agree with you.
You and your partner made this wonderful new creation not you, your partner and your mum.
You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. She really does need to understand that's it's time for you and your partner to bring your little miracle in the world and get over it.
I wouldn't be bothered about offending her if it's over something like that.
I am sure she will be over it after she has spent some time with the little one.

rikkiritterbach · April 2015

Ok, so here are some thoughts for you about your mom. One, you are not being insensitive. This is your moment to shine, not hers. Two, you could tell her that you are sorry that she is offended (NOT that you are sorry that you didn't have her there, but that she feels rejected in some way) but that this was a time for just you and your husband. You're building your family bonds with him and your new little one. And while you appreciate her offer/willingness to be there for you, you needed it to be just you and you man (forced "comforting" is never really comfortable).
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you owe her an explanation or anything.... You don't, but if you think she allowed herself to feel hurt and you want to offer her an olive branch- that's the route I'd take. I would not, however, allow her to try to pin her feelings of disappointment on you! Those are completely hers to own.

adelems · April 2015

Lurking from March 2015 board here.
This exact thing happened with my first DD, apparently my mom really wanted to be in the room and I REALLY only wanted hubby and I in there. It would have been too stressful to have anyone else in there. Especially someone with a bold personality like my mother. I ADORE my mother and she was allowed in as soon as I got to hold the baby and everything. I don't regret a thing. And we made the same decision with our second baby too.

Just explain to her that you love her and realize this is a big moment in her life too, but that you really wanted to experience this moment as a couple and while you didn't mean to exclude her it was a personal decision that was not intended to offend anyone but rather to strengthen your bond as a growing little family.

Maybe write her a letter if that's easier to express without interruption or getting frustrated.

good luck!

amt725 · April 2015

You made a choice that was right for your family. Parents can sometimes forget (especially pre-children) that you are establishing your OWN family and it will take time for them to catch on however never apologize for what you guys think is best for your family. Believe me this is not the last disagreement you will have in regards to how you run your household! (Holiday sharing just got a whole lot more complicated!) If you think your mom will respond well with a conversation or note then speak up and clear the air, if she won't just relax and it will fade away!

sks306 · April 2015

Something I originally found hilarious, but understand more now, was a comment made by an OBGYN when we did our hospital tour. They were talking about the amount of people allowed in the room and he said, "If you want the honest opinions of the Drs here, we all really prefer the only people that are in the delivery room are the ones who were there during the conception." I know it will only be my husband and myself. It's my body, my kid, my say.

Grandma will get over it, for sure.

lilmama041215 · April 2015

Thank you so much ladies for all the encouragement! Mom and I are fine now and she never mentioned anything to me about being hurt. Just as soon as she saw her grandchild she was fine

I really appreciate all of you who can relate and was able to give me some support! You all are great! >:D<

gorguess72 · April 2015

Good! I'm so glad to hear it all blew over.
As I was reading this is dawned on me that my Mom and her husband (4th, married after I was already an adult so not my "Step-Dad") both have been hinting around about being in the delivery room. Not happening!!
I would not mind my Mom visiting me while I'm in labor but Daddy will be there. And he has horrible hospital anxiety. My friend went to childbirth prep classes with me and she is ready to help keep us both calm, breathing, massages etc....my mom just upsets me a lot and talks bad about hubby and my special needs 12 yo behind our backs.....so I don't need that at that time.

We have the right to want to have it be a special, private and as relaxing as possible experience.
I am not going to worry about hurting people's feelings now. Well I'll try anyways

jacquelineemma · April 2015

If your mum wasn't there during the conception then she's not there during the birth is my opinion. Unless you really want her there. I bet her mum wasn't in the room when she gave birth.
It's a special moment for the parents to be. No one else Will be in the room when I give birth

kmerkle1 · April 2015

I agree with everyone-she will get over it, don't feel bad about having and executing YOUR birth plan! My mom and MIL have been told multiple times they should stay home til we are ready for visitors. They are still insisting on being in the waiting room. Ok fine.
This one simple fact is being disregarded here: there's nobody who wants to meet this baby more than me and DH. I hope everything ended up alright between you two!

Mother offended....

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